Difficult Friends - When to Help Those Who Hurt, When to Cut Ties?

[gypsygirl]

yeah, i can really understand where you're coming from. a lot of the advice you've been given is really great, but i'd also include a little more:

you seem like someone who might have some trouble being really honest with people--not calling you a liar, but being direct and forthcoming when there is a need to do so. i may have a frustration, but when those feelings persist and i'm feeling the need to vent to others, that is usually a good sign for me that i should consider talking to that person, and share my heart with them.

it can be really hard to do that, but in these kind of circumstances, honesty is the best way of letting people know where your boundaries are.

how about simply saying:

john, as much as i enjoy being around you and your wife, it makes me uncomfortable when you talk about sex--it's really awkward for me to hear those personal details about your private life. also, another thing that makes me uncomfortable is when you try to set me up with other women. i really am not interested in being set up with someone. thought i do appreciate your intentions--that's just not where i am at, and i would be grateful if you'd stop. but, i'll let you know when and if those circumstances change.

so often people will simply avoid and never say a word. you are not only protecting yourself, but being a better friend by holding up a mirror to that inappropriate behavior so that they can realize what they're doing and how it sounds and appears to you. if they do it with you, they probably do similarly inappropriate things and this is something they need to hear from a friend who loves them.

it's not easy to do, but it's well worth the courage it takes to do such a thing. usually, my friendships are greatly improved by the additional trust that is gained when either or both parties finds the courage to be honest and loving. in fact, i'd go as far as saying that i probably only measure the strength of my relationships by the honesty that exists between us.

if i can't be honest and open with a friend then i also know that we don't really have the capacity for us to be good friends.

 

[Tintin]

Thanks, Gypsy. You make some excellent points. The weird thing though, is that I am honest with people (here online as much as offline), I just don't like too much conflict. And some friends allow you to speak into their lives in firm and loving ways (people have done that to me sometimes and it's been difficult, but I grew as a result). I've done the same for them and they've grown too. But it's really difficult, in a situation like this, with a friend like this (I'm focusing on the one at the moment) who feels every time she's challenged on something, either runs away or becomes super upset and thinks you're the enemy. That said, you're right. I need to be more honest and more firm and more regular in admonishing her inappropriate behaviour and speech etc.

I'm taking her husband out to a BBQ tea tonight, for a few hours with some other friends. Hopefully that will be a positive experience for him, away from his wife, if even just for a time (he hasn't had that in ages). That might be a good step forward, without requiring me to have to take on the world.

But yes, boundaries, tough love and honesty are called for with difficult friends. Thanks, my dear sister.

 

[Fenner]

I have a friend who my Husband isn't crazy about. She sounds a bit like this woman Tintin. She and her Husband have been separated for some time now. It wasn't a separation that ended with mutual respect, it's sad. She has been dating someone who let me try to put this nicely, doesn't put up with crap. He's not mean, he's a nice person, he just doesn't play games and won't be walked over.


I care for her and love her but for a time I kept my distance because of some behavior. Eventually my feelings of feeling stressed out and hurt by some of the stuff she was saying and doing came out. Our friendship is better for it.

There is this old song that's called, It's Cruel to be kind. I can't remember the name of the group, but you know sometimes you might have to be cruel, or somewhat brutally honest, to be kind.