Emotional Intimacy: How Much Sharing Is Too Much Sharing?

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K

Kaycie

Guest
#21
#21
These are my thoughts, it doesn't make it necessarily true, they are just my thoughts...

Holding back (creating mystery) in an intimate relationship is holding back love. "For better or worse, this is me, this is who I am." Being completely open, honest, and vulnerable is true marriage- "I share absolutely everything with you, even my body and my mind." You should know your spouse like the back of your hand, only then can you truly be one with them, and reach a level of love that is ocean-deep instead of pond-deep. Mystery means that parts of me I purposely keep separate from you. It is like two rain drops on a window- they may be in the same place, but they need to be close enough to touch hearts, that's when they become one. Whoever is not in a marriage like this is missing out, they are just co-existing with benefits, how shallow. Mystery in an intimate relationship, I think leads to kinky, lustful, muck.

Marriage, in it's best sense, is patterned after the relationship with Christ and His Bride the church. It is truly intimate and loving. John 15:15 says that servants don't know their master's business, but that we are no longer servants but friends, and therefore He shares everything with us. Love is complete trust and communication. When you know all my ways, you know me. And if you truly know me, and still accept me, then you truly love me. "I know you, and it is the things that make you 'you' that I love."
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#22
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
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#22
Kaycie said:
These are my thoughts, it doesn't make it necessarily true, they are just my thoughts...

Holding back (creating mystery) in an intimate relationship is holding back love. "For better or worse, this is me, this is who I am." Being completely open, honest, and vulnerable is true marriage- "I share absolutely everything with you, even my body and my mind." You should know your spouse like the back of your hand, only then can you truly be one with them, and reach a level of love that is ocean-deep instead of pond-deep. Mystery means that parts of me I purposely keep separate from you. It is like two rain drops on a window- they may be in the same place, but they need to be close enough to touch hearts, that's when they become one. Whoever is not in a marriage like this is missing out, they are just co-existing with benefits, how shallow. Mystery in an intimate relationship, I think leads to kinky, lustful, muck.

Marriage, in it's best sense, is patterned after the relationship with Christ and His Bride the church. It is truly intimate and loving. John 15:15 says that servants don't know their master's business, but that we are no longer servants but friends, and therefore He shares everything with us. Love is complete trust and communication. When you know all my ways, you know me. And if you truly know me, and still accept me, then you truly love me. "I know you, and it is the things that make you 'you' that I love."
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Marriage definitely needs to be completely intimate and giving. I think most of these posts are referring to new relationships, in the "getting to know you" phase. :)
 
K

Kaycie

Guest
#23
#23
Grace-Like-Rain said:
Marriage definitely needs to be completely intimate and giving. I think most of these posts are referring to new relationships, in the "getting to know you" phase. :)
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Oh, I'm tired and guess I didn't pay attention. I'm doing so many other things on the computer at the same time, I was just skim-reading.
 
Gary

Gary

Senior Member
#24
Oct 23, 2011
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#24
"For example: I greatly value honesty and openness, and if I trust you, I'll share much of myself with you. So, I'm a little confused. Any help would be awesome. Thanks."

Trust can't be emphasized enough, but how do you know you can trust someone?
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#25
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
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#25
Kaycie said:
Oh, I'm tired and guess I didn't pay attention. I'm doing so many other things on the computer at the same time, I was just skim-reading.
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That sounds like me! Maybe we're related?? :rolleyes:
 
Cee

Cee

Senior Member
#26
May 14, 2010
2,169
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#26
I don't think there is anything wrong with mystery, in fact it's in the Scripture:
What Does the Bible Say About Mystery?

Scripture even says that God hides things and it's the glory of kings to search it out.

Jesus said it's not for them to know the things of God, but it is for you.

Mystery is simply deciding what this person should know about you, in regards to the intimacy you currently share with them. As we become more intimate with Christ, He shares more with us. He had his 12, and He had His 3. And He had His 1 (John).

In a relationship, there is such a thing as honor. Honor says, I value you, I value what you say, and what you're currently sharing. Honor tugs and pulls more out of you. It draws out more because the person is hungry for more. They want to know you.
 
J

jeremyPJ

Guest
#27
#27
Not sure how to say what I feel here, since I have not had a relationship with a Christian lady yet, but here goes...

I have learned from my own experience as well as others not to share too much too quick.
And feelings of negativity about anything is a no-no. Except food dislikes or movies you didn't like...
past relationships are definitely off-limits. And not just during the dating phase either.
Plan on being your best around their friends and family too.
other than that, Godspeed! :)
 
S

StarryEyes

Guest
#28
#28
Cee said:
DISCLAIMER: I'm a big believer in people being themselves. I think the issue a lot of times is that people don't want to be themselves. So then they either a) attract the wrong people b) don't attract the right people c) don't attract anyone :D Solution? Be you at a high level! If you don't know who "you" are. Ask people around you who you trust enough to let your hair down. Get specific examples. Look at your past. Look at where you are happiest, who you are happiest with, what type of people you've been attracted to, why you were attracted to them, etc.

How does this all relate with mystery? A lot of times I think people want to talk about who they are, rather than displaying it. This is of course just my opinion from my own personal interactions.

Here's a clue: if the person I am talking to looks uninterested, I assume they likely are. If they aren't asking me questions about what I'm talking about they probably aren't very interested or I lost them along the way. If I stop talking to breathe and they change the subject, that's a clue I'm over-sharing or not relevant lol.

When people ask me questions, I sometimes give simple answers to make sure they are actually interested. Or I ask them to tell me first, based on what they share with me, gives me an idea of where we are in intimacy.

Here's another guide I like, I learned this from Danny Silk who wrote a lot of amazing relationship books.

Intimacy Levels
1. Cliche
2. Facts
3. Thoughts/Opinions
4. Feelings
5. Needs

Based on that, I can get an idea of how much the person knows I care, feels safe, and trusts me. And this is very important in relationships. At level 3 is when we can begin to disagree. And that's why a lot of people stick with 1 and 2. If the person is still on level 1 and 2. It might not make sense for me to begin sharing everything about myself.

C.
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I really like the way you outlined this, and I think there is a lot to be learned from these ideas. I am really happy to have found this thread! Thank you for sharing :)


Kimber
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#29
Mar 13, 2014
41,312
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Tennessee
#29
Jilly81 said:
I just wanted to amend my original comment a wee bit after some thinking over dinner. When I mentioned sharing only things I'd be fine with the guy knowing about me even if we later part ways, that's only good up to a certain point in the relationship. Before talking about marriage seriously, some rather personal things will have to be shared, even without a ring around one's finger This especially goes for things one would rather not tell, but that the other person will have to live with if the two marry, assuming each are interested in marriage as a potential option. Good thread, TinTin :).
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This is an outstanding post. You are correct in that there may come a point where you have to disclose very personal information that the other person must know in order to make an informed choice on whether or not to pursue marriage. It very much a pivotal point - it is the moment of truth. Scary perhaps, but necessary to protect the heart of the one that you love.
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#30
#30
I would say that the answer is different for everyone and every relationship. You could share certain things with your mom and other things with your best friend. But I do believe that the closest relationship (beside the one you have with the Lord) should be with your spouse.

I suppose it wouldn't be right to share absolutely everything with your spouse. Maybe certain topics should be left to same sex relationships. Like if a woman has a womanly problem, it's best that she go talk to her mom or her female friends.
Same thing with the man, if he has a problem that only a man could give him advice for, then so be it.

And I think Tintin brings up a good point. There should be emotional and spiritual boundaries in relationships, especially if they are premarital.
I don't think it's about "keeping the mystery" I think this has more to do with practicing wisdom and looking to the future. If the relationship where you are getting to know each other doesn't work out, what will you do with all the information that you shared? Will you be emotionally distraught if said person left? It's best to save some things for marriage and that goes with physical intimacy, emotions and spirituality.
:)
 
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rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#31
Oct 15, 2012
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#31
Jilly81 said:
Yes on both accounts. At least for the guy God would have for you, and 99.9% of the wrong ones as well :).
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So...I wait until he's in love with me before dropping bombs?

I don't know how I feel about that, ha.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#32
#32
rachelsedge said:
So...I wait until he's in love with me before dropping bombs?

I don't know how I feel about that, ha.
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Well, would you tell the next stranger you see while out shopping? If not, that's a starting point for every single relationship - start at what you'd tell a random stranger and work your way forwards.

I mean he doesn't have to say "I love you" before you drop tiny bombs - just maybe not the really big ones.

Plus, you could break the news like you would to a child. Just make sure to bring him to an amusement park first and get him filled up on candy and ice cream before you tell him that you think the newest three Star Wars movies were the best of all of them, or that you think heavy machinery is ugly.


MollyConnor said:
I suppose it wouldn't be right to share absolutely everything with your spouse. Maybe certain topics should be left to same sex relationships. Like if a woman has a womanly problem, it's best that she go talk to her mom or her female friends.
Same thing with the man, if he has a problem that only a man could give him advice for, then so be it.
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The list of things not said in a marriage needs to be extremely short. Literally about as short as "I'm sorry, for a second my eye wandered and I glanced at another woman inappropriately."

That would be hurtful, and the solution is to avert your dang eyes (especially when you weren't even looking intentionally to begin with, nor did you dwell on it). Other than that, there isn't a single thing that I can think of that couldn't be said if it was said early enough on.

Having to go to a same sex friend to talk about it probably means one party waited too long to talk about it, so it went from minor annoyance to potential problem.

The whole point of being married is you do inherit some shared problems and some shared risk. You might as well mitigate that risk together.
 
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