Emotional Intimacy: How Much Sharing Is Too Much Sharing?

Tintin · Feb 18, 2015

Brother Cee mentioned this in another thread and it got me thinking.

I think sometimes it's possible to communicate too much and lose all the mystery in a relationship. So there is a tension both ways.

C.

Here's my question/thoughts:
In the past I would never have considered this a possibility, that you can communicate too much and lose all of the mystery in a relationship (I had no experience in this arena, so everything was new), but I had heard others mention it a few times before (family, a friend or two) that it can happen. I see now that this is quite possible, but for future reference, how does one avoid over sharing with their loved one? If you're honest with each other and passionate about each other and just want to share with each other, what are some steps you can take to share at a more considered pace? I see the value of mystery in the relationship, but I'm not sure how this would play out when we should be open and honest with each other etc. For example: I greatly value honesty and openness, and if I trust you, I'll share much of myself with you. So, I'm a little confused. Any help would be awesome. Thanks.

jsr1221 · Feb 18, 2015

I've always wondered this too. Sometimes you share a Lil too much and it comes off as coming on too strong. Which then stops any potential of a relationship. Yet women want open communication. *Sigh* if only there was something of a manual to guide us.

Jilly81 · Feb 18, 2015

Christian, I agree that sharing too much isn't wise, while sharing too little strains the bonding process. For a short answer, "if I wouldn't mind him/her knowing this even if we part, it's okay to share." I also recommend specifically praying and asking for Holy Spirit guidance on what to share and that you feel peaceful about sharing what's appropriate at that point in the relationship. That's another thing; as people grow closer, they tend to feel safer sharing more, and I think that was built into us, rather than it being wrong to hold back on personal info with someone you don't know very well. It's the same way with friends. There are some things that I'd tell you that I wouldn't post publicly; same way with many folks here. Although we haven't talked much, I trust you to a certain point because I've read your posts and they aren't creepy

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Lynx · Feb 18, 2015

Hmm...

"Whenever I pee it smells funny, but I never eat asparagus." That's probably a bit much to share on a first date.

"I'm really into music. Many call me a music nut." That's probably something that should have been shared before getting engaged.

Between those two parameters is a very large grey area that cannot be defined. There is no real guideline, no manual to read, no map to follow.

tourist · Feb 18, 2015

I greatly value honesty and openness in a relationship also. To reciprocate you must leave yourself vulnerable. I don't believe in holding back part of yourself un-necessarily just to remain mysterious. No, there really isn't a manual to guide you in a relationship other than common sense from the bible. Initiating a relationship is a risk and sustaining one often requires sacrifice but in my opinion it is well worth it because the reward is great.

Cee · Feb 18, 2015

DISCLAIMER: I'm a big believer in people being themselves. I think the issue a lot of times is that people don't want to be themselves. So then they either a) attract the wrong people b) don't attract the right people c) don't attract anyone

Solution? Be you at a high level! If you don't know who "you" are. Ask people around you who you trust enough to let your hair down. Get specific examples. Look at your past. Look at where you are happiest, who you are happiest with, what type of people you've been attracted to, why you were attracted to them, etc.

How does this all relate with mystery? A lot of times I think people want to talk about who they are, rather than displaying it. This is of course just my opinion from my own personal interactions.

Here's a clue: if the person I am talking to looks uninterested, I assume they likely are. If they aren't asking me questions about what I'm talking about they probably aren't very interested or I lost them along the way. If I stop talking to breathe and they change the subject, that's a clue I'm over-sharing or not relevant lol.

When people ask me questions, I sometimes give simple answers to make sure they are actually interested. Or I ask them to tell me first, based on what they share with me, gives me an idea of where we are in intimacy.

Here's another guide I like, I learned this from Danny Silk who wrote a lot of amazing relationship books.

Intimacy Levels
1. Cliche
2. Facts
3. Thoughts/Opinions
4. Feelings
5. Needs

Based on that, I can get an idea of how much the person knows I care, feels safe, and trusts me. And this is very important in relationships. At level 3 is when we can begin to disagree. And that's why a lot of people stick with 1 and 2. If the person is still on level 1 and 2. It might not make sense for me to begin sharing everything about myself.

C.

Cee · Feb 18, 2015

By the way Tintin, I made that comment in the thought process of finding someone to "date". I've seen both guys and girls who over-share before the person is interested. For people like you who already have a relationship, I would simply advise giving feedback to each other. Making sure communication and relationship is open. Which from my interactions with you, you do marvelously.

C.

Fenner · Feb 18, 2015

I guess since I don't date anymore I've forgotten a lot of things about new relationships. I do know that getting to know someone is a gradual process. I mean you can tell someone about all of your favorite things, your childhood and you do get to know if this person is someone you're compatible with.

I knew my Husband most of his likes and dislikes. I knew his favorite song, I knew his favorite Chinese food, but once you're into something new together like having a child, you get to know that person in different way. Different life situations change people sometimes.

What I'm trying to say is, you can know a person very well, but years to come if you're married age, circumstances and time change people, not always for the bad but I can almost guarantee that you'll learn new things about that person all the time.

Tintin · Feb 18, 2015

Cheers, guys. I totally understand the need to be vulnerable and to be myself, those have never been struggles of mine (no matter how much crap/rejection I have received because of it in the past), but there are also appropriate boundaries within relationships and I'm still learning them (whether it's friendship, especially with 'difficult' friends etc.). We often hear a lot about sexual intimacy, and to avoid it before marriage, but emotional intimacy is another important one, perhaps even spiritual intimacy comes in to play. Maybe there are some emotional and spiritual things you should only share at the point where you've committed to each other for life, I don't know. Thanks for you help, brothers and sisters.

Human · Feb 18, 2015

Tintin said:

Crossing the boundary between partner and counsellor is definitely too much sharing. Crossing the boundary between partner and one of the guys is too much sharing. Crossing the boundary between self reliant man and the inner child with unresolved issue is too much sharing.

Generally, for most other things, it depends on the person/people.

My bottom line is: if you're thinking about whether you shared too much, you probably did, and if you're looking for one fits all formulas for every man or woman, they don't exist I'm afraid.

Jilly81 · Feb 18, 2015

Jilly81 said:

I just wanted to amend my original comment a wee bit after some thinking over dinner. When I mentioned sharing only things I'd be fine with the guy knowing about me even if we later part ways, that's only good up to a certain point in the relationship. Before talking about marriage seriously, some rather personal things will have to be shared, even without a ring around one's finger This especially goes for things one would rather not tell, but that the other person will have to live with if the two marry, assuming each are interested in marriage as a potential option. Good thread, TinTin

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stabbo · Feb 18, 2015

Tintin said:

Brother Cee mentioned this in another thread and it got me thinking.

I think sometimes it's possible to communicate too much and lose all the mystery in a relationship. So there is a tension both ways.

C.

Here's my question/thoughts:
In the past I would never have considered this a possibility, that you can communicate too much and lose all of the mystery in a relationship (I had no experience in this arena, so everything was new), but I had heard others mention it a few times before (family, a friend or two) that it can happen. I see now that this is quite possible, but for future reference, how does one avoid over sharing with their loved one? If you're honest with each other and passionate about each other and just want to share with each other, what are some steps you can take to share at a more considered pace? I see the value of mystery in the relationship, but I'm not sure how this would play out when we should be open and honest with each other etc. For example: I greatly value honesty and openness, and if I trust you, I'll share much of myself with you. So, I'm a little confused. Any help would be awesome. Thanks.

Over sharing, i've never thought that that could be a problem. Hmm, I wlll enjoy thiking about this idea now.

ServantStrike · Feb 18, 2015

I think the amount of personal detail you share with someone should be proportional to the amount of time you've spent with them, but at the same time there reaches a point where exchange isn't linear.

At first, you spend time with someone just to see whether or not you're compatible - there are some issues that a person just can't compromise on, and it's usually quite possible to find out what those are without going on the warpath (or putting the other person on the defensive).

Sex is one of them - it's going to become pretty obvious in a fairly short period of time if someone else is on the same wavelength about not having it. I use it because it's a pretty clear cut example. So in that example, it might be a bit premature to tell someone you're a virgin (or that you aren't but you wish you were). That's the kind of thing that doesn't need to be said early on, and it's certain to be discussed as the relationship turns serious.

Money is another one. No one needs to know how much you make at first - in fact they shouldn't know for a long time as it tends to cloud judgment (whether you make a lot or a little). It's just not relevant romantically to most people as long as you fall somewhere on the "not starving to death" bell curve, and for the few people that care, they will bring it up in short order in one way or another so you'll know that you're just going to be viewed as a collection of assets. Bringing it up sooner can only serve to cloud all but the most determined of minds if you make more than they expected.

These are polarizing examples. More subtle ones would be when you really start to see yourself connecting with someone. It's not a good strategy to tell them "I really think I can see myself falling for you" - they can figure that out when you return their calls and ask them out on another date. Hold on to that thought until they've had time to process how they feel too, then slowly start letting them know you really appreciate them in your life. Dropping the L word too fast is going to scare off an aloof person, and it's going to scare someone who guards their heart too - some people wait a while before making that decision.

So, share how you feel, but don't share every single detail all the time. Reserve that for one of two occasions - one is when you've decided that you're not romantically interested in someone and you just want a friend to talk to, and the other is when you have spent a lot of time with someone and you have thoughtfully and prayerfully considered whether it's that important to you that they know this particular piece of information about you.

If it's a relationship that's really going to last, you really ought to eventually spill 90 percent of your dark secrets, but it takes many months to reach that point (any less than 6 is pushing it, and really it ought to be longer). Most people need time to process things, and sharing too much too fast either scares people away, or even worse, you end up in a relationship with someone else who does the same thing (and you end up married 3 months later).

Tintin · Feb 18, 2015

And then there are long-distance relationships, where you can build the emotional and spiritual foundations quite quickly (provided both parties are trusting each other and willing to be vulnerable) and the physical comes later. I guess there are pros and cons to both kinds of relationships. Either way, it's important to know yourself, who you are in Christ (the one who is Love).

rachelsedge · Feb 18, 2015

I'm naive to this in regards to romantic relationships, so this has been helpful to read. I sometimes wonder (worry?) when I should tell my future someone certain things about myself. I want it to be early enough in the relationship that they can run if they want, but late enough to where I trust them with it.

Though I suppose said things are worse in my head than the way someone would actually perceive them? Or if we got to the point in the relationship where the guy just...didn't even care about said things because he likes me/loves me enough?

Jilly81 · Feb 18, 2015

rachelsedge said:

Yes on both accounts. At least for the guy God would have for you, and 99.9% of the wrong ones as well

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cinder · Feb 18, 2015

Well I have been thinking about this topic too, mostly because I tend to get myself into situations where too much is being shared and emotional bonds are forming. And part of me really likes it because people are wired for intimacy (and I have a bit of the whole rescuer, fixer, need to be needed mentality in me which makes people opening up to me and seeking my input a huge ego boost) even while I question the wisdom of it. Sometimes it's just really nice to have someone to listen and care or to be the person who is trusted with another's secrets.

I think I'll piggyback off of Cee's comment about the levels of intimacy (1- cliches, 2- facts, 3- thoughts/opinions, 4- feelings, 5-needs). Level 1 and non-personal 2's (where's that Bible verse located, how does a refrigerator work, or any other factoid collected in my brain) I'll share with just about anyone. The personal level 2 stuff (facts about me and my history, what my job is, where I went to school, the degree I got, how big my family is, etc.) is the stuff I'll share when I'm first starting to let someone get to know me and those are the questions I ask and the information I want when I'm first getting to know someone. I would say Level 3 is where most of friendship takes place (and I would say if you are just friends with someone of the opposite sex this is the level sharing should stop at) we can probably add shared activities somewhere between level 2 and 3 since those are an important part of building relationships. However just like at level 2 some thoughts and opinions are more personal and therefore more intimacy building than others (and these can vary from person to person). For me to share beyond level 3 stuff would require a great deal of trust and some sort of assurance that the person I'm sharing with is going to stick out the emotional journey with me. It will create a bond that will be painful to break. People sharing stuff beyond that level with me usually leads me to feel an obligation to be there and support them, it's a precious gift I don't want to despise or make light of.

As far as practical steps, I highly recommend making others ask for deeper information. Start with a generic statement and wait for the other person's questions to expound. example: I went to the movies last night. What did you see? (insert name of movie here) What did you think about it? How did the story personally impact you? Did it make you want something (or want to get rid of something) in your life? (and again most people I would ask or answer up to what did you think about it, but only special people would get asked or told about any personal reaction)

I think another thing the might help is what you have already done and bring up the topic of oversharing so people can be thinking and talking about it. It is difficult in the middle of a moment of deep sharing to say something like I think you are oversharing, without the other person feeling rejected (and from personal experience if you say nothing to stem it with someone who feels a need to share you may get overshared on a whole lot). Much better to have a standard in place so just like you can say you think things are crossing a line physically, you can also say you think things are going too far emotionally. Not that I have practiced these things in my life, but it sounds like some good ideas to try.

ServantStrike · Feb 18, 2015

rachelsedge said:

When to tell someone has everything to do with how mature the other person is, and how badly you want things to work. The more you want things to work, the more likely you are to slip up (that's the way most people are wired). This is true in professional settings too - not just in the dating arena.

Things are also always a lot worse in our heads than they actually sound. After the fact, we often play things over time and time again, when really, unless it was a really bad faux pas, it probably gets forgotten. At least tell yourself it probably got forgotten, because trying to bring it up again to fix it just makes it worse.

Plus in your case you have a gorgeous smile (you said you were naive, so maybe you haven't been told that enough, but seriously it's true). So, for you, just smile if you say something you think was too over the top and whoever you're talking to will forget whatever it is you just said. 9 times out of 10 it should work. That doesn't work for all of us, but I'm pretty sure you could get away with it.

Grace-Like-Rain · Feb 19, 2015

Cee said:

This is great stuff Cee. I try to be in tune with how the other person is responding. Whether they are asking questions or interacting on a level that shows me they are interested. I try to also use this method to gauge how much interest I should show. I don't want to ask questions that are of a deeper intimacy than the other person is comfortable with (or the relationship is ready for). I like the thought of asking them to answer first, to get an idea of how deep they plan to go, and respond accordingly. These (above) tips are ideal for any sort of relationship.

1still_waters · Feb 19, 2015

Tintin said:

If you're in a scenario where it's understood you're getting to know each other and you're both an open book, I don't think there is such a thing as over sharing. I mean over sharing appears it's something to avoid, because sharing too much ruins "mystery". So to protect "mystery" you have to purposely make sure you don't share too much? The idea that you purposely withhold information to maintain an air of "mystery", well that seems odd.

Listen, if someone you're getting to know all the sudden becomes boring, that just means they've become boring, and it's a sign they aren't for you. People shouldn't be afraid of sharing information because it will ruin mystery. If you're afraid you're a boring person, then read more books, or do things to become more interesting. Rationing your life story to maintain mystery doesn't make sense...in my opinion.

Emotional Intimacy: How Much Sharing Is Too Much Sharing?

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