"DATE" Who should pay Men? women? Shared? or???

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relientkchick_4

Guest
#1
my coworkers and i were discussing this the other day, (they are all women mind you) and they all said that a man should pay, before that (i also read an article on the topic that was rather good) i was under the understanding that they were split. what are your thoughts?
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#2
I like the idea of the woman paying.... unfortunately, it never turned out that way for me.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
Tradition seems to be men pay. But in modern times there seems to be a shift to splitting so that a man, depending on your motives, does not have to spend all his money taking different women out b) that a man can't expect anything in return afterwards.
 
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Tintin

Guest
#4
First and second date, it should probably be the guy. Beyond that, splitting the costs sounds both realistic and appropriate.
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
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#5
First and second date, it should probably be the guy. Beyond that, splitting the costs sounds both realistic and appropriate.
I generally feel this way as well. The guy should pay starting out, and then they work out who pays for what going forward if things get serious.
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#6
I generally feel this way as well. The guy should pay starting out, and then they work out who pays for what going forward if things get serious.
It also makes sense because, generally speaking, girls these day have jobs and can afford to pay, at least for their meal or whatever. The guy shouldn't be lumped with the costs of everything, that's not healthy or fair.
 

ChandlerFan

Senior Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,148
102
63
#7
It also makes sense because, generally speaking, girls these day have jobs and can afford to pay, at least for their meal or whatever. The guy shouldn't be lumped with the costs of everything, that's not healthy or fair.
Yeah...I mean personally, I actually wouldn't be against paying for every date, but I don't want to demonize the couples who don't do that. It seems like the thing that would work best for most is splitting things up once the relationship has taken off.
 
Sep 6, 2013
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#8
If a couple goes out on multiple dates, it's kind of more than just a "date" right? It seems more like a relationship, however casual. And in a relationship, there's a lot of room for informality. :)
 
Mar 22, 2013
4,718
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Indiana
#9
Hey women want equality, they can pay their share. that way it is equal.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
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#10
For some men it seems to be a matter of pride. You can see it when two guys are eating lunch. They'll argue for ten minutes over who gets the check, each insisting he should pay for it. Two women having a power lunch, one picks up the check and the other says "Oh... thanks!" Women don't make it an ego thing.

Personally if I ask a lady out I would feel very odd if she paid for a date I initiated. If we're past the fourth or fifth date and it has become a regular thing for us to go out, well we can talk about that if and when we get there.
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#11
For some men it seems to be a matter of pride. You can see it when two guys are eating lunch. They'll argue for ten minutes over who gets the check, each insisting he should pay for it. Two women having a power lunch, one picks up the check and the other says "Oh... thanks!" Women don't make it an ego thing.

Personally if I ask a lady out I would feel very odd if she paid for a date I initiated. If we're past the fourth or fifth date and it has become a regular thing for us to go out, well we can talk about that if and when we get there.
Weird. I wouldn't offer to pay for someone's meal and they wouldn't offer to pay for me. We would pay our own way (but I'm talking about situations other than dating). I'm not interested in power-trips or ego bollocks.
 
S

StarryEyes

Guest
#12
Honestly, I think that whoever "invites" the other out for the date should at least offer to pay :) They are in a sense "treating" the other to an outing. So if I call a guy and say, "hey would you like to go with me to the beach?" I would offer he drive my car, or pitch in for lunch/ gas/ whatnot because it was my idea to go :) It is up to him if he will let me pay or not, but I will offer.
 
M

musicguy85

Guest
#13
Generally I'm of the opinion that the person doing the asking out pays unless you decide to split things. I'd always go into a date expecting to have to pay, but I'd honestly be offended if it were expected of me even if I didn't request the date.
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#14
i never have an expectation of the guy paying, and i always have cash on hand to pay my share of whatever i'm doing, or i wouldn't go. i think that's a good idea anytime you're going on a date.

but in my experience, the guys wants to pay for the date. when that is the case, i typically make an effort to treat them in some fashion that is in recognition of that fact. so if he pays for dinner, i'll offer to treat for the movie tickets, etc.

more often, the guys rebuff that, however, some are more open to that--especially if it's after the first or second date.

which by the way, is kind of a delicate walk.
it's kind of annoying to me how some guys (such as those in this thread) will talk about how they expect a woman to pay her fair share, yet, others feel quite the opposite--and i get the sense both sides would be offended if there was an expectation differently than what they prefer.

i think i've nearly offended guys in the past when i've tried/offered to pay for part of the date, and felt a little uneasy when i tried to pay for things in later dates. in my experience, most guys want to pay for dates but the majority are fine with me contributing in smaller ways, such as a trip to the concession bar for a couple beers to enjoy during a movie, etc.

after i've been out with a guy a handful of times, i'll usually treat him to a nice home cooked dinner-- as a way to show my appreciation, as well as enjoy a different kind of date.

i think it's important not to make assumptions, and if you're in a relationship with a guy who does tend to pay for things, that you are sensitive for opportunities to contribute.

and i agree, once you're in a relationship, there is a lot of opportunity for more equality and recognition of sharing costs or division of the shared expenses.
 
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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#15
As I've written before, I seem to be the Queen of First Dates, and I always see a first date as kind of a "Meet'n'Greet" casual thing in which we just get to sit and talk and see if we even like each other.

I believe in being fair. I always offer to pay my own way or my half. I've had a couple of first dates where the guy drove an hour to meet me and so I paid the tab for lunch. However, I've also run then run into the problem of the guy thinking I must be totally head over heels infatuated with him because I paid (which is another thread idea I've wanted to write for a while.)

However, if it turned into a relationship, I'd hope for a bit of chivalry... which maybe actually has to be something discussed in advance these days. Money is such a tricky thing. I would be a bit... confused by a man who would say, "I'm going to be the leader of the household, but I expect you to always pay your own way."

I CAN pay my own way, but as written in another thread, I've also been raised to be a helpmate, in which you allow someone else to lead and yes, occasionally pay. But if I asked the person out, I would definitely offer to pay.

The gentlemen here on CC have been a huge influence on me as well. I've read so many of their stories about vampirish, blood-sucking women that I always try to insist on paying my own way simply because I never, ever want a guy to say I used him for anything.

In my past relationships (as I also wrote about recently in Streams), I always found myself in situations where I was always paying for the guy... and his siblings... and his kids... etc. so I would actually be blown away by a guy who could actually pay for himself... and then offer to pay for me? I honestly wouldn't know how to react in some ways. It would be something I'm not familiar with at all.
 
Jan 25, 2015
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#16
If I asked her out: If I liked the girl more than a friend, I would pay.

If she asked me out: I would offer to pay my share...

Friends, we share
 
Jan 25, 2015
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#17
i never have an expectation of the guy paying, and i always have cash on hand to pay my share of whatever i'm doing, or i wouldn't go. i think that's a good idea anytime you're going on a date.

but in my experience, the guys wants to pay for the date. when that is the case, i typically make an effort to treat them in some fashion that is in recognition of that fact. so if he pays for dinner, i'll offer to treat for the movie tickets, etc.

more often, the guys rebuff that, however, some are more open to that--especially if it's after the first or second date.

which by the way, is kind of a delicate walk.
it's kind of annoying to me how some guys (such as those in this thread) will talk about how they expect a woman to pay her fair share, yet, others feel quite the opposite--and i get the sense both sides would be offended if there was an expectation differently than what they prefer.

i think i've nearly offended guys in the past when i've tried/offered to pay for part of the date, and felt a little uneasy when i tried to pay for things in later dates. in my experience, most guys want to pay for dates but the majority are fine with me contributing in smaller ways, such as a trip to the concession bar for a couple beers to enjoy during a movie, etc.

after i've been out with a guy a handful of times, i'll usually treat him to a nice home cooked dinner-- as a way to show my appreciation, as well as enjoy a different kind of date.

i think it's important not to make assumptions, and if you're in a relationship with a guy who does tend to pay for things, that you are sensitive for opportunities to contribute.

and i agree, once you're in a relationship, there is a lot of opportunity for more equality and recognition of sharing costs or division of the shared expenses.
A tip: if a guy REALY likes you he will offer to pay for the first date (dinner and movie etc.) but if he is still "testing the waters" so to speak he will not object if you want to pay something. What I found in the past was that girls would accept you paying for the first date but would want to pay for the second date (if there was one).

This is not an exact science but close :)
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#18
As I've written before, I seem to be the Queen of First Dates, and I always see a first date as kind of a "Meet'n'Greet" casual thing in which we just get to sit and talk and see if we even like each other.

I believe in being fair. I always offer to pay my own way or my half. I've had a couple of first dates where the guy drove an hour to meet me and so I paid the tab for lunch. However, I've also run then run into the problem of the guy thinking I must be totally head over heels infatuated with him because I paid (which is another thread idea I've wanted to write for a while.)

However, if it turned into a relationship, I'd hope for a bit of chivalry... which maybe actually has to be something discussed in advance these days. Money is such a tricky thing. I would be a bit... confused by a man who would say, "I'm going to be the leader of the household, but I expect you to always pay your own way."

I CAN pay my own way, but as written in another thread, I've also been raised to be a helpmate, in which you allow someone else to lead and yes, occasionally pay. But if I asked the person out, I would definitely offer to pay.

The gentlemen here on CC have been a huge influence on me as well. I've read so many of their stories about vampirish, blood-sucking women that I always try to insist on paying my own way simply because I never, ever want a guy to say I used him for anything.

In my past relationships (as I also wrote about recently in Streams), I always found myself in situations where I was always paying for the guy... and his siblings... and his kids... etc. so I would actually be blown away by a guy who could actually pay for himself... and then offer to pay for me? I honestly wouldn't know how to react in some ways. It would be something I'm not familiar with at all.

okay, i'm curious. why are you the Queen of First Dates? : D

and yeah, i agree with you about the chivalry thing, at least on some level. i have to admit, i'd be kind of weirded out a little if from the beginning he was pushing his "everyone pays their own way" from the beginning of the first date.

to me, that's an invitation for friendship. i guess on some level, i kind of believe what we value, we're willing to pursue, and sacrifice for, even in a small way.

a guy who sees me as a zero investment opportunity/risk is kind of a waste of my time (and his).
 

p_rehbein

Senior Member
Sep 4, 2013
30,095
6,479
113
#19
Two simple rules to remember:

1) When dating..........men pay
2) When married........women pay

See............by the time your married, she controls the bank account, check book, and rest of finances......

My advice for the frugal minded guys........make the dating process of a relationship far shorter than the marriage..........
 
Jan 25, 2015
9,213
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#20

and yeah, i agree with you about the chivalry thing, at least on some level. i have to admit, i'd be kind of weirded out a little if from the beginning he was pushing his "everyone pays their own way" from the beginning of the first date.
I am an "old school guy" in the sense that I will open a door for any lady or wait for women and older people before I walk through a door. Also if a lady enters a conversation I will stand-up and if there is not a chair, offer mine to her.

Old school but also good manners.