Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For You?

seoulsearch · Mar 7, 2015

Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For You?

Hello, all you talented, beautiful single people out there!

Ok, now that I've duly flattered everyone...

How do you personally react to reading about what singles are looking for in other singles?

What I mean is that, as can be expected, questions such as, "What Are You Looking For In Someone?" are always common here in Singles.

However, is it just me, or does reading about all the qualities people are looking for in a significant other... make you feel as if no one will ever be looking for you??!! I've come to realize that over time, as I read everyone's lists (and especially the gentlemen's, of course!), I find myself thinking, "Hmm... Well, I could maybe be seen as kind of being #'s 3, 5, and 18 on this person's list, and I could kinda sorta maybe-on-windy-day-with-no-rain-and-partly-cloudy-skies be seen as partially qualifying for Characteristics #'s 4, 7, and 32... But there's no way I fit all 47 (or 58, give or take) characteristics this person is looking for so... NO WONDER I'M SINGLE!" (And maybe always will be, and that's ok, but...)

The thing is, I'm not even meaning any of this in a self-pitying or "looking down at myself" way at all. I am who I am, nothing more, and nothing less. But I'm also trying to be realistic according to what I read, and I'm just saying... that I think the things we (myself included) all want in another person can be downright intimidating at times. I often find myself struggling with the definition of the line between realistic and "just settling."

Even the "simplest, most basic" qualities can be a breaking point. For instance, every Christian here will say they want someone who is "God-centered" or a "a true Christian." But the definitions of what that means can be very different among different people.

I have been around people who expect "a real Christian" to be someone who literally spends all their free time at the church and is constantly receiving "communication from God", such as an elder who would regularly have "dreams from God" and would interpret every last detail, including the time ("I had this dream at 7:10, and the number 7 means X, while the number 10 means Y, so obviously, God is telling us all Z with the time of the dream.")

This person would not have married anyone of "lesser faith", and not because they thought they were better than anyone else, but because they sincerely, truly believed that this is what it was to really serve God and be a TRUE Christian.

Sigh. There are countless other examples... and I guess in the long run it doesn't matter in the sense that you obviously don't have to meet the qualifications of EVERYONE'S list, but rather, just ONE person... who hopefully has enough leeway to see that you just might be the one he or she is looking for.

And, I'm speaking to myself as well in what I'M looking for in another person.

But after taking in what people do and don't want in a significant other... It makes me pause just a bit and wonder how realistic I myself am being in my "list" of what I'm looking for in someone... And I also have to wonder if someone, anyone at all is even considering looking for (or at) ME!

How about the rest of you? Do you ever feel intimidated by the threads that talk about what men and women are looking for? Do you feel like someone will come looking for you someday? And how does it also affect your own list of what you are looking for in another person?

Do you feel there is line, and what is it, between being realistic and finally having to "settle"? If so, what is that line?

Lynx · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

seoulsearch it's always a bit of a mental disconnect when I read your OPs because I usually just skim through long posts like that - most people who make walls of text just ramble - but I find when I skim through your posts I regret it because you actually have something to say.

To the thread topic: I usually find myself agreeing with most of the lists, and meeting all of some people's requirements. I don't usually say anything in the spirit of not tooting my own horn... although my pastor's wife says "he who tooteth his own horn, it shall be tooted." Hmm, maybe that's why I'm still single...

For the things I have posted in those threads, I consider my list of requirements reasonable. I know many women who meet those standards. Unfortunately all the women around here are already married. Maybe that's the real reason I'm still single.

seoulsearch · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Lynx said:

Yahoo!!! I actually qualify for something on someone's list!!!

Er... Lynx just said I had something to say. He didn't say that's one of the qualities he's looking for.

D'OH!!! FOILED AGAIN!!!

Lynx · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Take it as a compliment and move on. Having something to say automatically puts you a cut above many people on forums.

seoulsearch · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Lynx said:

I have something to say about that but I shall indeed move on!

cmarieh · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I sometimes feel intimidated when I read what someone else posts, but then again I compare what qualities I do have to offer and what they listed. As a person who has struggled with their weight, I definitely feel intimidated because from my experience guys want someone who is thin and beautiful and I am don't see myself ever being that way. My desire is to find someone who makes me feel like I am an important part of his life and makes me feel that I am the only person in the room. I am by no means perfect and will never be that way. I mean, how boring would that be? I do have a list that I wrote up when I was sixteen and critiqued it about a year ago with more important qualities that I need, like I need a guy who has a relationship with Jesus, his parents are an important part of who he is, smart, funny, and caring. I don't think I ask for a lot, but it seems that guys for the most part want something that is too far out of reach. I have been praying that God prepares his heart for me since I was sixteen.

I do think there is a thin line between being realistic and having to settle. I feel as though the qualities I desire to have in a man are realistic and I don't want to settle for nothing less. I hope I don't sound selfish because of this. I believe that appearances are not important, as long as they are willing to put their best foot forward in that area. I would love a man's perspective on this.

Lynx · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

For sure I am looking forward to the responses to this thread, but I'm really hoping it doesn't turn into yet another list of what people want in a partner...

hoss2576 · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

If I was reading someone's list, but I felt unsure because it seemed ambiguous, I would be okay. That is what the dating process is all about. I mean a person can say that they need "a strong communicator" as part of a relationship. In dating you have the opportunity to gauge what level of communication this person is talking about and if you are able to communicate at that level as well. If you are able to match them great, if not, you say so and keep looking for the person whose list you match and who matches yours. This also allows you to re-evaluate your own needs and list.

CatHerder · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I think that any Christian's "list" should contain certain givens, such as "love the Lord more than me..." etc., and I'm glad they pop up on these threads. Still, I wonder what this actually means to some of the people who post this stuff. Some of these things make me wonder - what if his idea of spiritual headship is different than hers - bigger than the box she has put it in? What if her supporting, nurturing and respecting him means she has to separate from him for a season? What if him loving her as Christ loved the church means saying the modern day equivalents of some of the seemingly harsh things that Jesus said to those who followed him - "Get behind me, Satan!" and "Foolish Galatians" come to mind... Being loving or respectful toward one another means that we need to be able to take correction sometimes. I don't think people think of these things when they make their lists.

There should be a short list of other characteristics beyond the spiritual, such as those to assure mutual getting-along, enjoying one another's interests to whatever degree is deemed healthy by both parties.

I take issue with lists that are too long; a list with 20 different requirements tells me that that people who do this have a lost love in mind that they are not over. Either that, or it tells me that these people will always be in a relationship with themselves primarily, as these lists tend to focus on what one gets from the relationship rather than what one gives. It is important to remember than while one may have his or her list, they may also need to fulfill the requirements on their potential partner's list as well.

My own list is rather fluid. Outside of certain spiritual requirements, I see my list as preferences rather than non-negotiable demands. I have also found that I enjoy being taken by surprise and becoming attracted to a lady who does not meet my "list" standards. So far, I haven't been moved to pursue a woman with whom I have such an encounter; they have just been enjoyable experiences in the grocery store line and other such occasions.

Having said that, I have to admit that your liking of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga have deterred me from asking you out for coffee.

Grace-Like-Rain · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

cmarieh said:

As Maghan Trainor would say,

"So, if that's what's you're into
Then go ahead and move along"

I love what you say here about finding someone who makes you feel like you're the only person in the room, cmarieh. I like reading through people's lists (all so different and unique), and sometimes I place myself hypothetically into the situation just to see if I would fit. How much would I need to change? How much would come naturally? How much just isn't possible no matter what?

And I love the idea of "go ahead and move along". Not as a bitter response to someone's expected rejection, but as a realistic approach to finding someone who will value all that we are as a person and a spouse. There are many many people in the world. I feel quite certain that there's one out there who will make you feel like you're the only one in the room, and that's the one worth waiting for.

seoulsearch · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

CatHerder said:

Well Cat, unfortunately for you, #21 on my list is, "Someone Who Likes that I Kinda Like Katy Perry" and #37 on my list is, "Someone Who Accepts That Yes, I Have Listened to Lady Gaga... and Liked It."

Obviously, we are totally NOT compatible in ANY way.

P.S. Am I allowed to derail my own thread for a minute?

No, I don't listen to said pop stars because obviously the lyrics to their music are terrible. BUT, the reason I have a (somewhat) closeted liking for artists like Madonna, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga is because of interviews I have read with them.

Madonna's mother was devoutly Catholic and died while Madonna was still a very young girl. I read in interview in which she said she often witnessed her mother's relationship with God, and as a little girl, saw her mother do things such as kneel on uncooked rice while praying and whip herself with wire coat hangers as a way to "punish herself for her sins." This was Madonna's view of God--someone you severely hurt yourself for in order to please.

Katy Perry's parents are both ministers and basically grew up under house arrest. And Lady Gaga went to an all-girls Catholic school. I read an interview with her as well in which she was made to change the shirt of the her Catholic school uniform--she was a bit more... "grown" that some of the other girls, and the nuns were basically trying to shame her because of her body.

I'm not saying that any of this in any way excuses what they produce in their careers.

But the reason I have a secret admiration... or maybe it would be better labeled as empathy for these ladies is because I very much see a part of ME in them, and, in the right circumstances, I would have turned out to be a lot like them.

I also pray for pop stars like this on a regular basis. They were probably deeply hurt by religion when they were young, and that's part of why they're rebelling so much. And, in my own heart, I am, and probably always will be a bit of a rebel, too.

Siberian_Khatru · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

seoulsearch said:

Usually by skipping over a thread/post.

seoulsearch said:

It's just you!

I suspect that lists get kicked to the curb a lot when two people connect, regardless of how many qualities they do or don't satisfy on somebody's "list." I've been with a girl that met nearly every quality I was hoping for, yet there was a certain area we just didn't connect in that made the relationship feel stagnant and me unfulfilled.

So yeah, lists schmists.

As for someone looking for me, I don't believe that ever happens/will happen unless there's a stalker about. People just find each other.

"But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
We can find someone to love
And make it last"

JonahLynx · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

They are mostly just entertaining for me. I wouldn't feel as though the lists are standards, not to mention most of us don't even know what we want.

IMO, as long as your focus is on God and doing what He wills, your character will be everything the person needs (maybe not everything they want), if He gifts you a new relationship.

ServantStrike · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

cmarieh said:

I think I might be able to help here, which is nice because it sounds like your heart is in the right place. In fact I'd swear you might have linked to an external blog a few months ago about your weight loss journey and I remember thinking at the time "wow that's some dedication."

Being overweight and not caring, versus realizing there is an issue are two very different sets of circumstances. If a woman is working on her weight, I think that's a serious plus, and as long as an effort is being made to correct a perceived flaw, then she'd have to be really heavy for a decent human being to say she has no promise and she's not dating material.

Really, I just want a woman who will work out with me. If a woman will do that, then the weight isn't really an issue for me. I just don't like sitting. I mean shoot, if it was too much of an issue then I'd be a hypocrite. I need to lose about 40 lbs myself - a target that I won't reach for at least a year and I lift like a crazy person (which is also why it takes so long to lose weight - any faster and I get weak).

So yeah, nothing to worry about.

wisebeardman · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

well I ain't talented nor beautiful, but as for being intimidated by someone thread of some silly list? nyet. do I feel like someone is going to come looking for me? nyet. as for my lists, don't have one and wouldn't waste me time making one.

melita916 · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

to be honest, i have found the lists to be encouraging lol i'm far from perfect (it's true! lol) but i gots some good qualities hehe.

now do i feel someone is looking for/at me? not really. i've always felt overlooked - the girl who is always the friend, which isn't a bad thing

maybe i just live in the wrong place lol jk

jeremyPJ · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

I understand what you're saying Seoulsearch... it can be daunting to see all the requirements one feels they need from a potential mate. And many of these feelings come from what we've dealt with in the past.

And like someone mentioned, when we meet someone it's easy to kick old expectations to the curb. I've done this before, and since I wasn't Christ-centered at that time, the resulting relationship was far less acceptable than I liked. In the last one, far less acceptable. I really think that many of us have experienced some of this in our lives, and this is what scares Christians enough to make their list so long.

Basically, my list is 1) Christ-centered as a lifestyle. Not to mean we have to go to meetings all the time, or get involved in this or that. Unless it's a mutual agreement. I'm not one who, in my Mom's words, goes around "beating his chest" about religion. I just want to be in a good, honest, respectful relationship with my love. I don't want to have to look behind my or her back all the time, to see which "friend" or acquaintance is trying to stir up trouble.

I want someone who values our relationship better than just turn it loose to the wolves, to satisfy them. I've seen a lot of this unfortunately, as I'm sure some others here have too.

It shouldn't be that difficult, however the world has changed a lot in the last X amount of years, and expectations can be met with stunning resistance. Many factors here, which I won't go into. I want to keep this simple.

Attraction, like-mindedness enough to be compatible. Good values. Willingness to stand by your partner through thick and thin. Of course there will be storms, but good couples fight through them together and win. This is hard to achieve without Godly principles. It's why marriages used to last, and now half of them get tossed aside like they were just a past "whim".

I hope I've made it understandable...

Lynx · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

wisebeardman said:

*Lynx calls up some people to make prank calls on wisebeardman from many locations, just to make him feel like someone is going to come looking for him.

Grace-Like-Rain · Mar 7, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Lynx said:

*backs away from Lynx quickly, scanning the sky, the ground, and all four directions to ascertain impending and immediate retaliation*

zeroturbulence · Mar 8, 2015

Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For

Everything makes me feel like no one's looking for me. Probably because its true!

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