Attraction. need help from both ladies and gents

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love7

Guest
#1
#1
Hi everyone. I'm struggling to understand something. Attraction. How important is it in relationships; what is ok and not ok? Why do I ask? Well it was a hot topic between me and my ex boyfriend. I was in a relationship with a great young man of God but I felt like he wasn't particullary attracted to me. I have a tendency of feeling things; maybe its the holy spirit; I don't know but I could feel it. So I asked him; are you attracted to me? His answer: "No" free advice:" young men NEVER EVER say that to your lady" . I'm sure all yal ladies can guess that my heart broke; shattered; bleed to death! Here is this man that I love and I'm completly attracted to who says he is not attracted to me. He goes on to say that I'm not "beyonce beautyful" but I'm also not ugly. He explains that he doesn't like to date women who are particulary stunning as he feels that they will probably cheat on him and that guys will always be looking at that type of women. That made sense in a way. There are certain extremly good looking men I would never entertain but it would be because they are players and not Godly men. It would be because I could tell that he would not be focused on God but on how many women fall at his feet. I would not avoid such a man because of a majority of women noticing such a mans looks. For me it hurt cause all I understood was that he is "settling" for me. I'm "ok" for him.that's all I understood. He goes on to say that he's fallen inlove with all the other things about me and that's what makes me the best for him. I'm confused. Does he have jealosuy issues. Pain from past relationships? Insecurity about a womens commitment to him? What does the bible say about attraction. Shouldn't we all want the best and trust God to provide us with a Godly spouse who is also really good looking? I personally want to look at my husband and proclaim what a fine artist my God is. Doesn't God want his children to be paired with a person who appreciates EVERY detail that he has created? What's your take and standard on attraction to the opposite sex? What are the rules you live by? Any point of views will be greatly appreciated.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#2
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#2
Snicker....... Give yourself a few more years of living. LOL
 
M

Miri

Guest
#4
#4
Hi love7, you have raised a big subject and I am sure everyone will have their own opinion.

Attractiveness is a very subjective matter. Someone can look physically very stunning but have such an awful personality
that they seem to be a really ugly awful person for example. Other people can be "aesthetically challenged but have such a shining beautiful personality that it's all you can see.

I remember years ago there was a man who use to be a volunteer at a children's camp who had a rare hormone deficiency. He had to inject himself several times a day including during the night. I can't remember exactly what it was but it seemed to relate to formation and growth. As a result of this he had very large clubby hands and feet and a protruding forehead. He was also very stocky. People who did not know him often use to stop and stare, but you know what, he had a heart of gold and the children loved him. Do you think God did not see the beauty in him?

If he had been older then who knows....ah those, were the days. Sorry I'm getting distracted back to the answer!

I have also met people who have unfortunately received bad burns, does God consider them to be spoilt! Are they unlovable, I think not.

I tend to think ugly personality/spirit = ugly person

beautiful personality/spirit = beautiful person

I have heard of stories of woman being abused by their husbands, but to look at the husbands you would think butter would it melt in their mouths etc and they look attractive etc.

You say he had fallen in love with all the things about you, this being the case then you were blessed! If the only thing you like about a person is their looks and you have not learnt to appreciate them as a human being, the relationship will not last. What happens when you both grow old and wrinkly, assuming the relationship lasts that long.

Ps I am giving this from a woman's perspective but I am sure there are men also who can say similar things about women.

They also say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what one person likes, another might hate etc.


You are probably at an age where you are still discovering what you want and where you want to see your life going.
To be honest that never stops, different stages of life bring different perspectives.

If you really want a lasting true relationship, give yourself a little more time to grow and mature and meanwhile seek a relationship with God, learn of Him, ask Him for wisdom. Then when it comes to husbands ask for God's guidance on the matter.
 
C

cmarieh

Guest
#5
#5
One thing to remember is that God created you and because of that you are beautiful. No man or person can take that from you. It seems as though this guy had a lot of problems of his own and think of it this way, it was his loss. You will find someone who will find you beautiful both inside and out just give it God and all the pieces will fit together. I think every woman wants her man to be attracted to her as goes she is with him. Just because a man may not be attracted to you at first doesn't mean he never would be. I believe real attraction comes from the heart and I believe those are the most sincere compliments you could ever receive. Think of it this way a couple has been married over 50 years and of course they are not as attractive when they first met and married, but they are still attracted to each other even though they have gray hair and wrinkled because they love their heart.
 
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love7

Guest
#6
#6
Wow. This has really opened my mind. I feel very stupid for all the drama I caused because of this. I guess it all went down to communication. My own insercurities outshadowed what a blessing was to have a man with such a mind set. Thank you
 
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love7

Guest
#7
#7
cmarieh said:
One thing to remember is that God created you and because of that you are beautiful. No man or person can take that from you. It seems as though this guy had a lot of problems of his own and think of it this way, it was his loss. You will find someone who will find you beautiful both inside and out just give it God and all the pieces will fit together. I think every woman wants her man to be attracted to her as goes she is with him. Just because a man may not be attracted to you at first doesn't mean he never would be. I believe real attraction comes from the heart and I believe those are the most sincere compliments you could ever receive. Think of it this way a couple has been married over 50 years and of course they are not as attractive when they first met and married, but they are still attracted to each other even though they have gray hair and wrinkled because they love their heart.
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That was my problem. I still wanted to atleast know that he is physically attracted to me. I wanted him to praise my beauty; I had the wrong version of love; I had the worlds version of what attracts a man to a woman. Only now do I understand. Its ok to want to be physically attractive to your spouse but that should never out weigh his love for you as Gods child.
 
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Breeze7

Guest
#8
#8
what can be attractive to one may not be attractive to another. I like personalities. Some don't care so much. I also like a ladies thighs for some reason but whatever, I hope jesus didn't hear me share this. Ahh, I always thought my smile was goofy looking or at least not pretty but I have had a lot of ladies tell me they like my smile and they like my dimples, I can't understand this. Anyway Love7 you are right what you said in your last post about love as gods child. Love7 Lord Knows...
 
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love7

Guest
#9
#9
Breeze7 said:
what can be attractive to one may not be attractive to another. I like personalities. Some don't care so much. I also like a ladies thighs for some reason but whatever, I hope jesus didn't hear me share this. Ahh, I always thought my smile was goofy looking or at least not pretty but I have had a lot of ladies tell me they like my smile and they like my dimples, I can't understand this. Anyway Love7 you are right what you said in your last post about love as gods child. Love7 Lord Knows...
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Thank you Breeze7 for your response and for the laugh I got from reading your truth filled response. I like the way you write
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#10
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#10
love7 said:
...He explains that he doesn't like to date women who are particulary stunning as he feels that they will probably cheat on him and that guys will always be looking at that type of women. That made sense in a way. There are certain extremly good looking men I would never entertain but it would be because they are players and not Godly men...
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Why does he assume beauty = unfaithfulness?
His method of thinking is insulting to the many physically beautiful and godly women out there, many of whom frequent this forum.

Heck. As a beautiful man (just ask everyone), I'M insulted!
 
Roh_Chris

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
#11
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#11
CatHerder said:
Heck. As a beautiful man (just ask everyone), I'M insulted!
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I agree because I have seen him. Steve is so handsome that he could make a mirror glow when he passes by. The shopping malls love him because he brings them good business. The corporates named an entire range of shoes after him (Steve Madden.....).
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#12
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#12
love7 said:
Hi everyone. I'm struggling to understand something. Attraction. How important is it in relationships; what is ok and not ok? Why do I ask? Well it was a hot topic between me and my ex boyfriend. I was in a relationship with a great young man of God but I felt like he wasn't particullary attracted to me. I have a tendency of feeling things; maybe its the holy spirit; I don't know but I could feel it. So I asked him; are you attracted to me? His answer: "No" free advice:" young men NEVER EVER say that to your lady" . I'm sure all yal ladies can guess that my heart broke; shattered; bleed to death! Here is this man that I love and I'm completly attracted to who says he is not attracted to me. He goes on to say that I'm not "beyonce beautyful" but I'm also not ugly. He explains that he doesn't like to date women who are particulary stunning as he feels that they will probably cheat on him and that guys will always be looking at that type of women. That made sense in a way. There are certain extremly good looking men I would never entertain but it would be because they are players and not Godly men. It would be because I could tell that he would not be focused on God but on how many women fall at his feet. I would not avoid such a man because of a majority of women noticing such a mans looks. For me it hurt cause all I understood was that he is "settling" for me. I'm "ok" for him.that's all I understood. He goes on to say that he's fallen inlove with all the other things about me and that's what makes me the best for him. I'm confused. Does he have jealosuy issues. Pain from past relationships? Insecurity about a womens commitment to him? What does the bible say about attraction. Shouldn't we all want the best and trust God to provide us with a Godly spouse who is also really good looking? I personally want to look at my husband and proclaim what a fine artist my God is. Doesn't God want his children to be paired with a person who appreciates EVERY detail that he has created? What's your take and standard on attraction to the opposite sex? What are the rules you live by? Any point of views will be greatly appreciated.
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Love7, I would have been hurt by your boyfriend's comment as well. It is rather insulting... though I can appreciate that he was at least being honest, if not very tactful or loving in his words to you.

As a woman, I would not want to be with a guy who wasn't attracted to me. And being with one who chose me partially because he didn't find me attractive is a little disturbing too... I think it's good that he loved you for other qualities though. And wild passionate attraction isn't the most important thing by a long shot. But some attraction is necessary for a good marriage, I think.
 
K

Kaycie

Guest
#13
#13
1 I definitely want him to be honest with me- even if the truth hurts.

2 No one is perfect, but if he can live without you, let him. Marriage is a bond that must remain strong, and if the strength isn't even there to begin with, how can it work? I don't want to be with a guy who don't want to be with me. No benefit is worth that in my book.
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#14
#14
I wanted to share this song with you guys and it is beautifully written and I too want a man that is captivated by me and I don't mean that to be conceited either. Please watch this.

[video=youtube;V5jg_PKbrhE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5jg_PKbrhE[/video]
 
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love7

Guest
#15
#15
CatHerder said:
Why does he assume beauty = unfaithfulness?
His method of thinking is insulting to the many physically beautiful and godly women out there, many of whom frequent this forum.

Heck. As a beautiful man (just ask everyone), I'M insulted!
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Wow! Lol! You just made my morning! That's funny! On a serious note though I'm glad to find out that its not all men a mindset like his.
 
L

love7

Guest
#16
#16
Roh_Chris said:
I agree because I have seen him. Steve is so handsome that he could make a mirror glow when he passes by. The shopping malls love him because he brings them good business. The corporates named an entire range of shoes after him (Steve Madden.....).
Click to expand...
Wow! Yal are very fuuny
 
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love7

Guest
#17
#17
Grace-Like-Rain said:
Love7, I would have been hurt by your boyfriend's comment as well. It is rather insulting... though I can appreciate that he was at least being honest, if not very tactful or loving in his words to you.

As a woman, I would not want to be with a guy who wasn't attracted to me. And being with one who chose me partially because he didn't find me attractive is a little disturbing too... I think it's good that he loved you for other qualities though. And wild passionate attraction isn't the most important thing by a long shot. But some attraction is necessary for a good marriage, I think.
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I'm glad someone else feels the same way. The way you explain it is EXACTLY how I feel. Its confusing and quit disturbing but yet makes sense to SOME degree.
 
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love7

Guest
#18
#18
Kaycie said:
1 I definitely want him to be honest with me- even if the truth hurts.

2 No one is perfect, but if he can live without you, let him. Marriage is a bond that must remain strong, and if the strength isn't even there to begin with, how can it work? I don't want to be with a guy who don't want to be with me. No benefit is worth that in my book.
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I agree with you. I really really loved how honest he always was with me. And your second point is exactly what I'm slowly learning. He has broken up with me so many times and each time I begged and pleaded for us to try again until I finally looked at myself as God sees me. That a woman should be persued and should never be running after a man. I had to let go and trust God. I had to fall inlove with Jesus. Thank you for your reply
 
MrsRoseTreasure

MrsRoseTreasure

Banned
#19
Feb 8, 2014
325
22
0
#19
love7 said:
Hi everyone. I'm struggling to understand something. Attraction. How important is it in relationships; what is ok and not ok? Why do I ask? Well it was a hot topic between me and my ex boyfriend. I was in a relationship with a great young man of God but I felt like he wasn't particullary attracted to me. I have a tendency of feeling things; maybe its the holy spirit; I don't know but I could feel it. So I asked him; are you attracted to me? His answer: "No" free advice:" young men NEVER EVER say that to your lady" . I'm sure all yal ladies can guess that my heart broke; shattered; bleed to death! Here is this man that I love and I'm completly attracted to who says he is not attracted to me. He goes on to say that I'm not "beyonce beautyful" but I'm also not ugly. He explains that he doesn't like to date women who are particulary stunning as he feels that they will probably cheat on him and that guys will always be looking at that type of women. That made sense in a way. There are certain extremly good looking men I would never entertain but it would be because they are players and not Godly men. It would be because I could tell that he would not be focused on God but on how many women fall at his feet. I would not avoid such a man because of a majority of women noticing such a mans looks. For me it hurt cause all I understood was that he is "settling" for me. I'm "ok" for him.that's all I understood. He goes on to say that he's fallen inlove with all the other things about me and that's what makes me the best for him. I'm confused. Does he have jealosuy issues. Pain from past relationships? Insecurity about a womens commitment to him? What does the bible say about attraction. Shouldn't we all want the best and trust God to provide us with a Godly spouse who is also really good looking? I personally want to look at my husband and proclaim what a fine artist my God is. Doesn't God want his children to be paired with a person who appreciates EVERY detail that he has created? What's your take and standard on attraction to the opposite sex? What are the rules you live by? Any point of views will be greatly appreciated.
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A lot of these questions no one can answer but him, such as his motivations and his past experiences. I can tell you what my opinion is.

This relationship doesn't sound very...healthy. Let me explain. This man wants to be with you because you are NOT the woman of his dreams? Because HE'S afraid that someone else might think you're attractive? Is that really what you want out of life? Do you really want to be married to a man who doesn't think that you are the cat's meow? Don't you want to be with a man who is attracted to you?

I wouldn't want to be with a man who was not attracted to me. My husband died recently. He loved me with all of his heart. Our sex life was very active, and it was very important to our intimacy and emotional well-being. If I ever marry again, I will definitely want to be attractive to the man I am with.

I do have a tiny rant, as well. This guy doesn't think you are "Beyonce beautiful?" Beauty is entirely subjective. To sit in front of a girl and tear down her self-esteem like that shows a lack of compassion that is stunning. Not only that, this man is really in need of a reality check in terms of how to live life. No one is Beyonce beautiful except her, and frankly, I find her thinnness a little freaky. Just saying. It ain't natural. Also, exactly what kind of great catch does he think he is that he has to "stoop" to being with you so that he doesn't have to worry about another man's eye. This is really kind of controlling and weird. If I were you, I would gather up the last vestiges of my self-esteem, tell this guy to kick rocks, and exit stage left.

That's just my opinion.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#20
#20
I don't think most average people would expect their partners to find them as attractive as movie stars or super models, we just seem to accept it and trust that our partners love us and we don't even give it a second thought that we are not each others ultimate choice so far as attractiveness goes. Do we feel second best because of it? Mostly, no!

However - there is a big difference between finding someone 'less' attractive and 'unattractive' ..... and if you chose to date someone you find unattractive, it can be a wonderful thing, but also you have to ask yourself, are you diverting that person from a course where they would find someone who does find them attractive?
 
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