Male/Female friendships (no this is not a debate)

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zaoman32

Guest
#1
#1
So last night, I was recounting my friendships over the years and remembering the most meaningful ones I have had and do have. Three of the most meaningful friendships I had were with girls. Once any tension of one of us or the other wanting to "date" was gone, and we were simply content being friends, it led to a great friendship. In every case one of us always went through something really difficult, and the other was always there just to listen, and give encouragement. I value those friendships so much, there was such a closeness, and intimacy there, while still being completely respectful and decent. No pressuring to go on a date, no pressuring to be something more. We knew we would be friends and absolutely nothing more, and we were happy with that.

At this point in my life, I really don't know if I'll find anyone or not, and to be honest, I would really be happy to stay on my own I think. But here's the thing, even with someone being single and possibly staying single, I think we need people of the opposite sex. Not because we need to do the wild dirty. Not because I think we're required to get married. But God made two genders for a reason. We complete each other. Even if there is nothing more than friendship going on, it's beneficial for that contact and that kind of friendship to take place I think. I had some great male friends, and I still do, but I could not connect with them on the same level I connected with my female friends. I can't explain it, it is what it is.
(P.S. No, I don't think this is a license for married couples to hang out with the opposite sex. It's meant for singles)

Anyone else have/had a friend like this? How did you feel about it?
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#2
Aug 13, 2014
24,913
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#2
I have three friends who are women. I could probably talk to them about anything. I don't hang out with them alone (two are married, one is single and has a lot of stuff going on) but we chat about all kinds of stuff when we're at church or in a group doing something together. If I ever had a problem I know I could count on them just as much as I could count on my guy friends, and they know they can count on me.

And yeah, sometimes I ask them for advice on stuff that women are just plain better at. Like aesthetics.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#3
Mar 13, 2014
41,313
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Tennessee
#3
My wife is my best friend. Being married, I would not be comfortable to have any female friends. It just looks bad and I want to avoid any hint of impropriety. This is just me and I am sure that others who are married might be perfectly comfortable to be friends with members of the opposite sex.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#5
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
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#5
I think it depends on particular experiences. Men can be friends with women and there not be any problems. But once the man or woman starts confiding more in them rather than the man or woman's boyfriend or girlfriend, then you start having a problem. For those in a relationship or married, I think if you're going to have a friend of the opposite sex, it should be a mutual friend d where both of you have. There shouldn't be anything you tell that friend that you couldn't tell your boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife. I agree though with the premise that even though not all are called for marriage, men and women are called to serve the Lord together. And in that process brings friendships. How deep? Depends on the individual, as I'm not sure if Scripture has a standpoint answer to it.
 
JonahLynx

JonahLynx

Senior Member
#6
Dec 28, 2014
1,017
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#6
Yeah it's great when you can have a close friend of the opposite gender without having to worry about flirting. Women always seem to have a slightly different perspective than men and vice-versa. I agree with jsr1221 though, you get problems when someone tries to make a move. Then you either wind up in a psuedo-relationship or a dangerously complicated friendship. I don't think it's a great idea to have conversations on sex or intimacy.
 
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zaoman32

Guest
#7
#7
Yeah, that's why I was clear about mentioning that this was meant for singles. I understand everyone is different, and every couple handles things differently, and maybe in some cases they can trust their partners to have those kinds of friends without being unfaithful, physically AND emotionally. But I think as a general rule it's just best to avoid.

I think once both sides in the friendship understand that it is just a friendship, any idea of lust or anything like that is gone. You can cover uncomfortable topics and still be respectful of each other, and not deal with any kind of impure thoughts or anything like that, because you don't view them that way.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#8
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
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#8
Yeah I have a history of close guy friends and getting along better with guys than the ladies. Unfortunately I tend to feel connected to guys who leave a lot unsaid and while I'm pretty sure I understand where things stand, I can also drive myself crazy with speculations about what if I have it wrong. And the emotional intimacy side can get you into trouble as it can create a very strong bond that becomes for sure inappropriate if you are dating someone else or married (and if you are single and just friends you might start asking yourself how appropriate it is for you to have this level of intimacy with just a friend, when you couldn't maintain the same level of intimacy if you were romantically involved with someone else).

For me I guess it's kind of a two edged sword. I love the feeling of being connected and understood, but I can easily over stress myself with speculations and when the guy goes on to fall in love and get married, well there is a loss involved on my part no matter how happy I am for him.

I like to think I'm a good friend to the guys I've known, but you'd probably have to ask them to get conclusive proof of that. And for reasons I do not understand, seems like I have known more than my share of really good guys, and managed to avoid the jerks and ones who are out to just use women. I'll give God the credit for that, but I am most definitely grateful.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#9
Aug 13, 2014
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#9
For some reason Fred Rogers keeps singing in my head... "Please won't you be... my neighbor..."
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#10
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
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#10
zaoman32 said:
So last night, I was recounting my friendships over the years and remembering the most meaningful ones I have had and do have. Three of the most meaningful friendships I had were with girls. Once any tension of one of us or the other wanting to "date" was gone, and we were simply content being friends, it led to a great friendship. In every case one of us always went through something really difficult, and the other was always there just to listen, and give encouragement. I value those friendships so much, there was such a closeness, and intimacy there, while still being completely respectful and decent. No pressuring to go on a date, no pressuring to be something more. We knew we would be friends and absolutely nothing more, and we were happy with that.

At this point in my life, I really don't know if I'll find anyone or not, and to be honest, I would really be happy to stay on my own I think. But here's the thing, even with someone being single and possibly staying single, I think we need people of the opposite sex. Not because we need to do the wild dirty. Not because I think we're required to get married. But God made two genders for a reason. We complete each other. Even if there is nothing more than friendship going on, it's beneficial for that contact and that kind of friendship to take place I think. I had some great male friends, and I still do, but I could not connect with them on the same level I connected with my female friends. I can't explain it, it is what it is.
(P.S. No, I don't think this is a license for married couples to hang out with the opposite sex. It's meant for singles)

Anyone else have/had a friend like this? How did you feel about it?
Click to expand...
My wife and I dated, and even lived together for 4 years. We broke up and went on to have other girl/boyfriends, but as they came and went we remained friends. 12 years later we found ourselves consoling each other over another set of breakups, and we came to the realization that it didn't matter if we vowed or not, if we dated or not, that we were going to be together till death does us part. So our wedding was not about a promise for the future, it was an acknowledgment of something that already existed. That was 10 years ago and we're still good.

Seek thee not a mate; see the mate that is already there. Or that God will put before you when the time comes. Nothing clouds our vision of something more than wantin' it. It should just naturally be there.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#11
May 3, 2013
8,719
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0
#11
JonahLynx

JonahLynx

Senior Member
#12
Dec 28, 2014
1,017
30
48
#12
zaoman32 said:
I think once both sides in the friendship understand that it is just a friendship, any idea of lust or anything like that is gone. You can cover uncomfortable topics and still be respectful of each other, and not deal with any kind of impure thoughts or anything like that, because you don't view them that way.
Click to expand...
I hope that's the case for most people but it's always been a slippery slope just in my personal experience. I'm sure that's not the case for absolutely everyone though.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#13
Aug 2, 2009
24,580
4,269
113
#13
I don't have any friends, but if I did.. I'd want them to be women.

 
D

Deliver

Guest
#14
#14
If I'm perfectly honest, I think I like the attention that male friends give me. It's different attention than what my female friends give me. It makes me feel more special and like what I say is important as being a female perspective.
Your girlfriends are the same, same... You usually get along because you're so similar, whereas with males, there's this different, almost revered appreciation for each other.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#15
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#15
zaoman32 said:
So last night, I was recounting my friendships over the years and remembering the most meaningful ones I have had and do have. Three of the most meaningful friendships I had were with girls. Once any tension of one of us or the other wanting to "date" was gone, and we were simply content being friends, it led to a great friendship. In every case one of us always went through something really difficult, and the other was always there just to listen, and give encouragement. I value those friendships so much, there was such a closeness, and intimacy there, while still being completely respectful and decent. No pressuring to go on a date, no pressuring to be something more. We knew we would be friends and absolutely nothing more, and we were happy with that.

At this point in my life, I really don't know if I'll find anyone or not, and to be honest, I would really be happy to stay on my own I think. But here's the thing, even with someone being single and possibly staying single, I think we need people of the opposite sex. Not because we need to do the wild dirty. Not because I think we're required to get married. But God made two genders for a reason. We complete each other. Even if there is nothing more than friendship going on, it's beneficial for that contact and that kind of friendship to take place I think. I had some great male friends, and I still do, but I could not connect with them on the same level I connected with my female friends. I can't explain it, it is what it is.
(P.S. No, I don't think this is a license for married couples to hang out with the opposite sex. It's meant for singles)

Anyone else have/had a friend like this? How did you feel about it?
Click to expand...
Yes yes yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. During my marriage, I never had (or needed) close male friends (unless they were the spouses of my friends), but in my time of singleness I struggled so much at first with this sense of yearning for something I couldn't really define. I was drawn to on-line dating before realizing that what I needed was NOT romantic involvement, but just male companionship. It was so hard for me to even understand that.

But it's true... men and women need one another, even on a purely platonic level. We help balance one another out. It's important. I learned that here at CC. The friendships I've made here, and camaraderie with both women AND men, helped me to understand that I didn't need a date at all. I needed friends. And if one of those especially close friends slowly turned into more, so much the better. :cool:
 
C

cmarieh

Guest
#16
#16
In my history, I find that I get along much better with guys than with other women. It just seems as though I can open up easier to guys because I am not afraid with how they view me, whereas I feel that women judge me on my appearances more than the guys do. Am I the only one that feels this way about guys?
 
gypsygirl

gypsygirl

Senior Member
#17
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
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#17
yes! as others have said, my male friendships have been very significant to me and in many ways, have grown closer than i could have ever imagined.

as a general rule, i find it easier to be friends with guys, probably because of interests and discussion topics. and interestingly enough, the very qualities that make me LESS compatible for female friendships tend to be MORE appreciated by male friends.

also, as a general rule, i tend to have an easier time trusting men (and male friends) than women because of my own history.

that said, i think we were designed to "get along" better with the opposite gender. if we were any better at getting along with our OWN gender, i don't think the birthrate would be as high as it is. : D
 
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didymos

Guest
#18
#18
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zaoman32

Guest
#19
#19
JonahLynx said:
I hope that's the case for most people but it's always been a slippery slope just in my personal experience. I'm sure that's not the case for absolutely everyone though.
Click to expand...
Here's the thing, the topic of "dating" will inevitably come up at some point or another. With one friend I had we were seriously discussing and considering a courtship, we talked about it a lot. Then one week I went to a church camp and God told me no, I came back to find that God told her the same thing. The idea of dating was done, and we still remained very close friends without having those "desires" I guess you could call them. In a couple others, I've been extremely attracted to girls, but for whatever reason they are absolutely not available for dating, so dealing with it in prayer and lifting it up, I was able to get past those feelings.

It can be a slippery slope yes, but with self-control, it is possible. There's definitely the proverbial hump to get over, but it's possible
 
Jay_too

Jay_too

Junior Member
#20
Apr 18, 2015
19
0
1
#20
I would only form a friendship with a woman if it was a potential courtship. Otherwise, I don't even bother with having female friends. The only female friend I currently have is about 40 years older than me. But all my other friends are guys. I didn't manage to stay celibate for 30 years by hanging around women.
 
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