When People React to Rejection By Insulting the Other Person...

[seoulsearch]

Hey Singles,

A young man made a comment a few days ago that really bothered me: "Yeah... I've been trying to talk to Shelly (not her real name)... but she's such a ho. All the girls around here are just big whores."

For the sake of privacy I don't want to give too many details about the situation, but what I do know is that this particular young man would really, really, REALLY like to have a girlfriend and has talked about that fact quite often. And the young lady he was talking about, for whatever her reasons may be, is just not interested in him. (I wanted to ask him, "If Shelly and all the girls here are of so little value in your eyes, why are you working so hard to try to make one of them your girlfriend?")

I've seen this happen time and time again: Person X likes Person Y. Person X tries to ask Person Y out, but Person Y just isn't interested, for their own reasons. Person X then says vicious things to Person Y or about Person Y to other people.

To be completely honest I don't hear it as much from women ("Wow, I just tried to flirt with him and he totally ignored me... What a male whore!"), though I do know women have their own ways of doing the same thing. I'm not saying women don't do the same, I'm just saying that maybe I hear more men talk about it because men tend to ask women out more than women ask men out (at least, it seems that way around here.)

I have also been in dating chat rooms where, if a person of another color is rejected, he or she will claim that the other person is racist. (Um... that could be a possibility... but maybe it also has to do with the fact that your initial attitude is the assumption that everyone is against you to begin with.)

Worst of all, I hate seeing people play the "You're Not All That" card in order to try to manipulate someone into giving in to what they want.

In my own life, I recently faced a situation in which several people were trying to fix me up with someone I just wasn't interested in. I don't want to go into that person's life details, but they have a lot going on in life, including some things that firmly go against my own personal morals and values.

Now I hear things such as, "Kim is just mean," "She thinks she's too good for anyone else," and, "No one is good enough for her." There are probably worse things that have been said that just haven't gotten back to me yet.

So sorry to disappoint the masses. Have I mentioned I can be a bit stubborn? And this is one of the times when I'm standing my ground and not budging, no matter what people have to say. I haven't always done so, and at least one of my relationships was a cave-in to peer pressure (I've been told for years that I think I'm too good for anyone and that I should "just give so-and-so a chance"... One time I did, even though the entire situation made me deathly uncomfortable... But my friends told me I was being a big snob, and so I gave in. And it was pure hell the entire time.)

I understand that rejection is hard to deal with. I also understand that some people who try to play matchmaker can have good intentions. But it really bothers me that people are so offended by rejection that they resort to heartlessly insulting the other person. If the person they had their eye on is really that terrible, why on earth did they try to talk to them in the first place?

Not that I haven't had my own bad reactions when faced with rejection. I guess for me, when I was younger, I'd take it more as a fault in myself than the other person.

Questions to ponder:

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?
* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?
* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

 

[secularhermit]

Is this gossing, using another name?

 

[Olerica]

Yes, I have been on the receiving end of insults because I've rejected someone. Often times if my own interest *in another is rejected, I question my worth.

Now, I suppose I'll have to go an unpack that. Hmmm....

 

[Olerica]

Is this gossing, using another name?

I don't think so... I think it's understanding motivation and maturity. (Unless you are teasing Seoul and I'm unaware due to lack of tone and unfamiliarity with you as a poster)

 

[seoulsearch]

Yes, I have been on the receiving end of insults because I've rejected someone. Often times if my own interest *in another is rejected, I question my worth.

Now, I suppose I'll have to go an unpack that. Hmmm....

This would make an interesting poll... I wonder if one gender would lean toward this reaction more than the other... maybe not.

But it has me wondering if men and women react to rejection a little differently.

When men are rejected, do they have more of a tendency to question the OTHER person's value?

When women are rejected, do they have more of a tendency to question their OWN value?

 

[Reborn]

I handle it well.
No need to get mad.

Just out of curiosity, would you say that throwing a rock through someones car window after a breakup is unacceptable and taking it 'bad'?
Is that considered not handling it well?


Just wondering?
Because.....l....
just knew a guy who knew a...guy...who....

 

[seoulsearch]

^^^ Well, Reborn... it's said if you have faith like a mustard seed, you can move mountains.

I'm not so sure if chucking rocks through car windows counts, but hey...

Is this gossing, using another name?

Hermit, if it's gossip, you can always ask God to correct me. I'm comfortable with this post, but if He feels otherwise, I'm sure He'll let me know.

In the past several years, one of my goals in posting is to make my stories and examples bland enough that several people who know me could read them but not know whom I'm talking about. My ultimate goal is that even if the people I was thinking of read the post, they still wouldn't realize it was inspired by their story.

My example in the original post of this thread could fit at least half a dozen different guys and gals I'm around every day.

 

[Willie-T]

Of the four basic reaction types, maintaining objective assertiveness seems to be the most elusive.

 

[Lynx]

I'm reminded of a show my brother was watching one day. A girl broke up with a guy and the girl was going on and on about what a twerp the guy was. The old man she was talking to said, "Breaking up is hard to do." A young man who had never so much as been on a date before said glumly, "I wouldn't know."

 

[seoulsearch]

Of the four basic reaction types, maintaining objective assertiveness seems to be the most elusive.

I was thinking of God's various reactions to rejections throughout the Bible as I wrote this, from wanting to annihilate all the children of Israel and begin entirely anew with Moses to Jesus praying, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" on the cross...

Of course, He's God, and has His own right to deal with rejection any way He sees fit...

After all, God blatantly called Israel a whore for constantly running after other gods, stating that they "lusted for their idols and committed adultery with them under every spreading tree." (Isaiah 57:5)

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm reminded of a show my brother was watching one day. A girl broke up with a guy and the girl was going on and on about what a twerp the guy was. The old man she was talking to said, "Breaking up is hard to do." A young man who had never so much as been on a date before said glumly, "I wouldn't know."

It IS hard not having a date when everyone else seems to have one, I know.

But as I wrote in another post, what's even worse--at least I think so--is finding what you think is that one special, unique love... and then watching that person leave in order to give their love to someone else.

 

[Willie-T]

I was thinking of God's various reactions to rejections throughout the Bible as I wrote this, from wanting to annihilate all the children of Israel and begin entirely anew with Moses to Jesus praying, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" on the cross...

Of course, He's God, and has His own right to deal with rejection any way He sees fit...

After all, God blatantly called Israel a whore for constantly running after other gods, stating that they "lusted for their idols and committed adultery with them under every spreading tree." (Isaiah 57:5)

I've got a whole line of thought on much of that. But that is for another thread..... if, at all.

 

[mystikmind]

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?

Generally i feel sad for them and a bit guilty because i know i hurt them.

* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you?

Once i know someone is not interested, i accept it and move on. If i reacted badly then i would be asking myself what is it i need to learn?

*What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?

I think of rejection as something valuable, because it saved me from wasting time with the wrong person.

* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

The goal of dating is to find the right person for you, so you should not be afraid to scare people off or be rejected because it means the system is working!

 

[CatHerder]

Hey Singles,

A young man made a comment a few days ago that really bothered me: "Yeah... I've been trying to talk to Shelly (not her real name)... but she's such a ho. All the girls around here are just big whores." ...

The behavior described is what immature men do when their ego is bruised and they are trying to "save face."

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?

I don't think this has ever happened. When I rejected my one ladyfriend's proposal, she didn't insult me. She just upped the ante by promising sex and sandwiches for life.

* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?

Who would reject me? I am, after all.......me! No. Seriously, I haven't really been actively dating, so it hasn't really come up.

* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

I hear "she's stuck up" more than the whore calling, thankfully. I try to be supportive of the friend or workmate, but if the talk gets a little to mean spirited, I'll say "Just because she's not into you doesn't mean she's stuck up." I tend to say the unpopular thing a lot.

 

[jeremyPJ]

I'm going to explain my irritation on this subject on an instance I dealt with earlier this year.

I was going to a worship group, became interested in someone. Called her after a meeting, had a bit of decent convo, asked her out. She nicely said "after the first of the year". I thought okay, holidays, etc. Makes sense...(my nice guy side kicking in, not good.)

After this, I noticed shrouded discomfort from her toward me, along with her friends doing the same, some laughing behind me about it. Heard in a convo in the background a few meetings later she wasn't interested but didn't have the guts to tell me. This on the same night I had asked for a haircut appt. and got a short quick answer. So obviously I got tired of messing with her. So I skipped the appointment, letting her know I prefer not be made a fool of, and skipped the next two meetings, as I felt badly about it. Next one I went to we celebrated her bday, the leader of the meeting very strongly "uplifted her value" (!), basically let me know where I stood with the group (I was an outsider, not from that town). Totally familiar with that from the past, was hoping Christians would be better.

A big deal around there. So I broke contact with all. I no longer attend church, some have asked me to come back but some from the casual mid-week meeting push me away on FB, so I really am not interested. I felt ostracized and lied to and betrayed. I was a nice guy and that's always what I get, so it seems.

So, ?????
Did I act appropriately? I lust don't understand women's thinking. Perhaps I never will. Makes me feel like giving up, as this has plagued me all my life. It's why I end up settling for crappy women, with bad life results. I just don't understand "the secret code" of women and their strong friends.

 

[cinder]

Questions to ponder:

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?
Sometimes stunned, but honestly, if you're going to get pushy or insulting just because I said no, well that's just going to prove to me that saying no from the start was a very wise decision.

* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?
Well I can definitely be brutally honest about someone's faults, but if I liked said person enough to put myself in the position of being rejected, then I probably have a high opinion of that person and their faults are minor. Usually (as in the one time it actually happened with a guy I kind of liked and also in life and friendship in general) I just accept the fact that not everyone is going to like the strange and wonderful creature that is cinder, and that's ok. No way to make them like what I am if they don't like it and not going to spend my life trying to be someone else so I can impress someone else.

* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?
Well I definitely liked the whole, "If they're so terrible why were you after them?" line. But if I know you well, don't do this around me. I'm likely to point out several very good reasons why that person was right to reject you, and none of them will be failings of the other person.


Also I think we should talk more about the whole stuck up or think you're too good for someone line. I hate that having standards is degraded in such a way. While I agree that someone who is holding out for someone who lives up to standards that they themselves don't follow, is likely (and might even deserve) to end up lonely and disappointed. No one should be pressured into a relationship with a messed up loser just because that messed up loser wants a relationship with them. Maybe all the ladies should make a list of the benefits they'd bring a guy and when someone pulls out this line they can just say, " I am too good for him. Want to debate the point?"

I'm glad people know not to try to set me up with guys. Mostly it's probably because they know I'd ask them to give me reasons why this guy is such a good choice and shoot down all the generic reasons they gave (he's single, good looking, has a job, etc.).

 

[mystikmind]

I'm going to explain my irritation on this subject on an instance I dealt with earlier this year.

I was going to a worship group, became interested in someone. Called her after a meeting, had a bit of decent convo, asked her out. She nicely said "after the first of the year". I thought okay, holidays, etc. Makes sense...(my nice guy side kicking in, not good.)

After this, I noticed shrouded discomfort from her toward me, along with her friends doing the same, some laughing behind me about it. Heard in a convo in the background a few meetings later she wasn't interested but didn't have the guts to tell me. This on the same night I had asked for a haircut appt. and got a short quick answer. So obviously I got tired of messing with her. So I skipped the appointment, letting her know I prefer not be made a fool of, and skipped the next two meetings, as I felt badly about it. Next one I went to we celebrated her bday, the leader of the meeting very strongly "uplifted her value" (!), basically let me know where I stood with the group (I was an outsider, not from that town). Totally familiar with that from the past, was hoping Christians would be better.

A big deal around there. So I broke contact with all. I no longer attend church, some have asked me to come back but some from the casual mid-week meeting push me away on FB, so I really am not interested. I felt ostracized and lied to and betrayed. I was a nice guy and that's always what I get, so it seems.

So, ?????
Did I act appropriately? I lust don't understand women's thinking. Perhaps I never will. Makes me feel like giving up, as this has plagued me all my life. It's why I end up settling for crappy women, with bad life results. I just don't understand "the secret code" of women and their strong friends.

Perhaps a slightly better wording might be that you end up settling for crappy relationships?

 

[Roh_Chris]

Kim, have I told you that your questions are very thought-provoking? Have I told you that, sometimes they make me think so much that I lose my train of thought and it ends up in a train wreck?

Anywho.... back to the the thread topic..

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?

When I reject someone, I will always give them an explanation of why I am not interested in them. Sometimes it can be hurtful because it could be a trait that they don't have but one that I look for. It is up to that person to accept my opinion about her and move on (although she could choose to work on herself). So, if she insults me, I would be surprised.

* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?

I don't tend to cut down people who reject me. If I am rejected by someone, I expect to be told why. So, I would be disappointed if they cannot give me any feedback on why they have rejected me. I understand that they do not owe me an explanation for rejecting me, but it helps to know if there are areas I can improve myself in order to become a better person.

* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

Maybe, I would ask the person who was rejected to ask the other person why he/she rejected her/him.

When men are rejected, do they have more of a tendency to question the OTHER person's value?

Personally, I just consider it as if it was not meant for me. But, if the person gives me a shallow explanation of why she rejected me (my skin colour, etc.), then I may question her value.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hey Singles,

A young man made a comment a few days ago that really bothered me: "Yeah... I've been trying to talk to Shelly (not her real name)... but she's such a ho. All the girls around here are just big whores."

For the sake of privacy I don't want to give too many details about the situation, but what I do know is that this particular young man would really, really, REALLY like to have a girlfriend and has talked about that fact quite often. And the young lady he was talking about, for whatever her reasons may be, is just not interested in him. (I wanted to ask him, "If Shelly and all the girls here are of so little value in your eyes, why are you working so hard to try to make one of them your girlfriend?")

I've seen this happen time and time again: Person X likes Person Y. Person X tries to ask Person Y out, but Person Y just isn't interested, for their own reasons. Person X then says vicious things to Person Y or about Person Y to other people.

To be completely honest I don't hear it as much from women ("Wow, I just tried to flirt with him and he totally ignored me... What a male whore!"), though I do know women have their own ways of doing the same thing. I'm not saying women don't do the same, I'm just saying that maybe I hear more men talk about it because men tend to ask women out more than women ask men out (at least, it seems that way around here.)

I have also been in dating chat rooms where, if a person of another color is rejected, he or she will claim that the other person is racist. (Um... that could be a possibility... but maybe it also has to do with the fact that your initial attitude is the assumption that everyone is against you to begin with.)

Worst of all, I hate seeing people play the "You're Not All That" card in order to try to manipulate someone into giving in to what they want.

In my own life, I recently faced a situation in which several people were trying to fix me up with someone I just wasn't interested in. I don't want to go into that person's life details, but they have a lot going on in life, including some things that firmly go against my own personal morals and values.

Now I hear things such as, "Kim is just mean," "She thinks she's too good for anyone else," and, "No one is good enough for her." There are probably worse things that have been said that just haven't gotten back to me yet.

So sorry to disappoint the masses. Have I mentioned I can be a bit stubborn? And this is one of the times when I'm standing my ground and not budging, no matter what people have to say. I haven't always done so, and at least one of my relationships was a cave-in to peer pressure (I've been told for years that I think I'm too good for anyone and that I should "just give so-and-so a chance"... One time I did, even though the entire situation made me deathly uncomfortable... But my friends told me I was being a big snob, and so I gave in. And it was pure hell the entire time.)

I understand that rejection is hard to deal with. I also understand that some people who try to play matchmaker can have good intentions. But it really bothers me that people are so offended by rejection that they resort to heartlessly insulting the other person. If the person they had their eye on is really that terrible, why on earth did they try to talk to them in the first place?

Not that I haven't had my own bad reactions when faced with rejection. I guess for me, when I was younger, I'd take it more as a fault in myself than the other person.

Questions to ponder:

* How do you react when someone insults you just because you're not interested?
* Do you tend to cut people down who reject you? What is a more constructive way to deal with rejection?
* If you hear someone cutting down another person for rejecting them, what is something you could say to turn the situation around?

Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult. - Prov. 12:16 NIV

(advice I could've probably used..)

 

[seoulsearch]

I don't think this has ever happened. When I rejected my one ladyfriend's proposal, she didn't insult me. She just upped the ante by promising sex and sandwiches for life.

So I'm guessing your reply to this was... "Wait! What kind of sandwiches??!!"