Sharing is relating

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cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,359
113
#1
So there are a lot of thoughts that I tried to share in singles chat tonight floating around in my mind. It started over e-mail when I was talking with a friend about sharing and about how I rarely share anything with anyone until I have it all figured out and need to communicate the information about my decision to someone (leading to more than one conversation with my parents that has gone, I’m going to do X and they say, we didn’t even know you were thinking about X). My friend responded that sharing like any other form of externalizing thoughts helps us think through things, but it is also important for building relationships. A reluctance to share, therefore can actually cheat us out of opportunities to build relationships.


This has not convinced me to share everything yet, but it has gotten me thinking about sharing more and about letting people in before I have everything wrapped up in a nice little package. Then I thought about being single, and thought a great thread topic would be who do you as a single person share your stuff with (ideally that would be built in in marriage). Then I thought about things that make me more willing to share with someone or less willing to share with someone and wondered what other peoples lists would look like.


And I also think about the close relationships I’ve had in the past, and how many of them started when someone shared their pain or their yuck with me (because I hate looking weak and needy and you are pretty special (or I am extremely desperate) if I’ll share any of that with you). I realize that those are often the people I felt most connected with and wonder if I am keeping people from connecting with me by not being willing to be honest about when I’m not perfect.


So questions for discussion (because I always prefer to discuss issues and ideas rather than my personal stuff):

How does sharing (or a lack thereof) affect the growth of your relationships?


At what point in your decision making process do you share your ideas with others?


Who do you share with? What attitudes or behaviors will make you more or less likely to open up?


 

egeiro

Senior Member
Mar 17, 2015
331
44
28
#2
Cinder. I can absolutely relate to those feelings, it almost feels like you've stolen the words out of my mouth. For so long I was too afraid to admit to people that I'm 'messy' and my life is usually that way, too. I still loved getting raw with people and sharing my life, but when I shared seasons of valleys, I quickly chimed in with the victory that came, and 'It's all okay, it's all together now.' I never spoke of my current struggles or the journey I am on that doesn't have any answers yet.

And it's funny because at that time, I thought to myself, "I'm so frustrated that all these people around me who seem to be just 'playing church', these are my brothers and sisters and I don't even -know-them." That's when I realised, I'm the biggest 'big-grins and happy-glad hands' person around and if I want to see us walking in love, as a family willing to get vulnerable with each other, then I need to take that leap of faith and let people in to see my 'mess'. Soon enough I realised vulnerability provokes vulnerability, and this deep sigh of relief soon entered the atmosphere as my friends and I took those baby steps to a new level of depth in our friendships.

And people hate that word. Most people are afraid of vulnerability, and yet the only way to truly love is to be vulnerable.

I don't share everything with everyone, just a couple of people I am close to, but I am slowly allowing them to walk with me in the process. Sometimes the breakthrough you are looking for in your life can be found in the person right next to you who can see the victory available when you can't see it for yourself.

I learnt that sometimes when you open up your weaknesses to people, something awakens in them and they arise in strength and become amazing brother and sister warriors willing to fight on your behalf. I shared this huge struggle I was dealing with with some close friends, and instantly they arose as prayer warriors, bathing me in prayers and declaring who I was in Christ and the freedom that was at hand. Another brother in Christ walked me through this lengthy healing process through facebook chat that left me with a saturated t-shirt covered in tears. It was such a week of healing and overcoming.

I had this lie in my head that everyone was going to turn away if they see that I don't have it together, when in fact, the exact opposite happened. And you know what, if someone came to me sharing their struggles, I would be a force to be reckoned with, covering them in prayers and love and drawing the world changer I can see inside of them, waiting to burst out of them with a new song of freedom.
 

Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
945
40
28
#3
So there are a lot of thoughts that I tried to share in singles chat tonight floating around in my mind. It started over e-mail when I was talking with a friend about sharing and about how I rarely share anything with anyone until I have it all figured out and need to communicate the information about my decision to someone (leading to more than one conversation with my parents that has gone, I’m going to do X and they say, we didn’t even know you were thinking about X). My friend responded that sharing like any other form of externalizing thoughts helps us think through things, but it is also important for building relationships. A reluctance to share, therefore can actually cheat us out of opportunities to build relationships.


This has not convinced me to share everything yet, but it has gotten me thinking about sharing more and about letting people in before I have everything wrapped up in a nice little package. Then I thought about being single, and thought a great thread topic would be who do you as a single person share your stuff with (ideally that would be built in in marriage). Then I thought about things that make me more willing to share with someone or less willing to share with someone and wondered what other peoples lists would look like.


And I also think about the close relationships I’ve had in the past, and how many of them started when someone shared their pain or their yuck with me (because I hate looking weak and needy and you are pretty special (or I am extremely desperate) if I’ll share any of that with you). I realize that those are often the people I felt most connected with and wonder if I am keeping people from connecting with me by not being willing to be honest about when I’m not perfect.


So questions for discussion (because I always prefer to discuss issues and ideas rather than my personal stuff):

How does sharing (or a lack thereof) affect the growth of your relationships?


At what point in your decision making process do you share your ideas with others?


Who do you share with? What attitudes or behaviors will make you more or less likely to open up?


I sort of already knew this... it's so true... if we let ourselves be known, people can more easily connect with you.

How does sharing (or a lack thereof) affect the growth of your relationships?

I'd think it depends if people are looking for growth or not... so chances are the people who are not looking for growth will probably just stay away... where as people who are looking for growth will have that much more of an opportunity. On the other hand... when you share... you may also be shutting doors for relationships. For example, if I said... "I'm a Christain," then people who discriminate against Christians may never even give me a chance to talk to them properly. So, sharing is great... but we may want to be careful about what we say. You want to be tact too.


At what point in your decision making process do you share your ideas with others?

It varies... it's random. Sometimes at the beginning... sometimes middle.... sometimes when the decision has already been made.

Who do you share with? What attitudes or behaviors will make you more or less likely to open up?


Most things, except some personal things.
 

Calmador

Senior Member
Jun 23, 2011
945
40
28
#4
Cinder...

Egeiro...

Wow, good posts ladies, both of you are deep... very cool. :)
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#5
Sharing involves trust, and a lot of people are not prone to trusting others. As I recently mentioned in the Streams thread, people also tend to relate to weakness. When we share something, it can make for a sense of vulnerability, and with that I believe we connect. People don't connect or relate as much or as easily to someone who's inclination is apt to being callous.

I had another thought but I got distracted by something shiny.
 
B

Breeze7

Guest
#6
I feel sharing always makes relationships better.

It takes some time before I share certain things with folks. I wont share deep things with someone that isn't a close best friend or marriage candidate.

I've come to share a lot with my brother but when he was young I didn't at all really. Nine years difference between us so... that's a reason there.

good forum post.
 

DuchessAimee

Senior Member
Apr 27, 2011
3,922
129
63
#7
1) How does sharing (or a lack thereof) affect the growth of your relationships?

2) At what point in your decision making process do you share your ideas with others?


3) Who do you share with? What attitudes or behaviors will make you more or less likely to open up?


1) I was raised to keep my mouth shut about myself. My mother would repeat over and over "Discretion is the better part of valor." Or she'd say, "Aimee, be careful what you tell other people. They'll rip apart your dreams and who you are." And you know what? She's not entirely wrong. Granted, she could have said it better, but she thought she was protecting me. So I'm extremely careful in what I reveal about myself. People may know elements of my life, but there are few people who can claim to know ME. I share all the time, I share a lot of myself, but the truly intimate things of me, the things that make me cry... that's for those few. It effects the growth of relationships, but it's supposed to. That's the entire point.

2) When I trust someone, I'll share. I have a bulls eye type of thing. The outer ring is an acquaintance type of thing. The next in is friendship/best friends, and the bulls eye is where my husband would be. There are levels of trust there. And it's possible to love someone and not trust them or trust them very much.

3) I have a couple people I share with, but not many. I won't trust someone until they've proven they're consistent and my spidey sense says they're okay. I listen to their stories about how they've treated other people, their family, etc. Those are huge indicators.