Black and feel invisible

[Anemone24]

Hi guys,

I feel under attack from the enemy and I'd really value some prayer, advice and perhaps words of encouragement.

I'm 24 and I've had huge issues with self confidence and my looks in the past. The grace of God has allowed me to overcome many of these problems. There are still some issues, however that seep away the joy i know Jesus died for me to dwell in and it is preventing me from loving God with all my heart.

I grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood and attended predominantly white schools/universities. Also, as I have a mixed race father, I felt I poked different to other black girls in a bad way. To put it in simple terms, not being around people who looked like me distorted my self perception. I thought I was strange looking and undesirable and any body who said otherwise was mocking me. Furthermore most of the black boys in school/men at university have been very clear in their lack of desire for black women- this made me feel even more ugly. I never wanted to be a different ethnicity, I just wanted to feel beautiful.

Now I feel a lot better and coming to a place of peace with how God has created me. However my old insecurities are surfacing...I'm very attracted to white men and none appear to be overtly interested. I'm told I'm attractive but it's so hard to find strength through faith to not care and just enjoy life. I want to trust in God and his plan. It's just that i look around me and I don't see where I fit in. It's breaking my heart.

Many thanks for reading .

God bless x

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

I'm told I'm attractive but it's so hard to find strength through faith to not care and just enjoy life.

This was very well put, and a struggle I believe so many face, even if in different capacities and from different angles.

Anemone, our self esteem/self worth should not be rooted in others. That was a struggle I had to come to terms with, and it's not an easy one when one of the things you feel you want most in life is to connect with people and feel accepted, even wanted. You said something I think is key, though:

I want to trust in God and his plan.

This implies you don't, or at least not fully. In a roundabout way, this could be a large part of why those insecurities are creeping back up on you. It sounds like you're doing exactly what I did: Desire things from the world and inadvertently reduce God to playing second fiddle to those wants. I think it's okay to want certain things from the world, but as someone of the faith, things─and people, even─should take a back seat to what you can do for God.

I usually don't make posts this long, and could probably wax eloquent on this still, but I'll save me from myself here. I will be praying for your journey, though, and you are welcome to PM anytime. There's a pretty nifty and supportive community here that I'm sure can relate and offer better advice than I can, also.

 

[Sirk]

I'm a white dude who grew up on an Indian reservation. Sorry for not being politically correct but I earned it. I have been incredibly insecure my whole life. The fear of man is an insidious tactic by satan to keep you defeated. Let your light shine because God doesn't make mistakes so just be you. Be bold and confident in who you are as a child of God. You can overcome your fear of man. The awkwardness of dealing with people is probably more them than you anyway. People are just sinners. We are no better and no worse than anyone else.

 

[Shannon50]

I just want to say that I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I believe that you are right, that these feelings of self-loathing aren't from God. Please know that you aren't alone. That being said, there probably isn't going to be an easy fix for this. It is great that you are reaching out-- please continue to have the courage to reach out to your Church family, maybe seek out some counselling from a Christian counsellor, and pray continuously for God to protect you from the Enemy and heal you.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Anemone,

I can relate to your story quite a bit. I'm Asian but was raised in a white family and in an all-white area. My high school had maybe 2 black students and 2 Asians (that would be myself and my brother!!), and absolutely everyone else was white. I've also had white friends who grew up in all-black schools and have mixed children who describe many of the struggles you talked about in your post.

I know Jesus is supposed to be all we need but it's very hard when you always feel like you're on the outside looking in. When I was in high school I wrote a poem about feeling as if I were trapped inside a maze of black and white while everyone else was outside, living in the world of color. As Christians we know Jesus is always with us, but it's hard, because Jesus is with everyone ELSE, too. Jesus was with me, yes, but He was also right there with the boys I had crushes on as they turned me down for school dances and asked out the other girls. It might not always have been because of race but it sure did feel like it at times. And sometimes it WAS blatantly because of race (such as the boyfriend who stopped talking to me because his cousin didn't like the fact that I was of another race.)

Because I grew up around all whites, I just thought my only hope for acceptance was within the white community. Ironically, the biggest issues I've had with acceptance AND rejection has been within white circles. I never saw myself as fitting into any other racial groups because I'd never been around them (I figured they'd just think I was weird and would make fun of me, like so many white kids did in school), so as I got older I was amazed that people such as blacks and Hispanics would talk to me and maybe even see me as a friend. It's an insecurity thing... that feeling of... "You mean... you want to be friends with ME? Really? Nerdy, unpretty, boring little me? Wow!"

In my 20's I married someone who was half-Asian and in a way, he became my security blanket. He knew what it was like to be called things such as "fresh off the boat", have people "slant" their eyes at you, and be told to "go home". He told me, "Baby, we don't wait for people to tell us where we fit in. We make our own place." For the first, and only time in my life, I felt as if I belonged, because up until then, the only men who generally found me attractive were white and old enough to be my father or grandfather, which still happens to this day. It doesn't make me feel attractive at all--it makes me feel dirty and as if I am a lifelong Pedophile Magnet, even in my 40's.

You can imagine how good I felt about myself when my husband left for a tall redhead after 2 years of marriage.

I know our self-esteem isn't supposed to be in looks or whether or not we get dates or if someone finds us attractive, but it sure doesn't feel very good when the person we are attracted to passes us by for someone else. Sure, Jesus is with us all the time. But He's right there alongside all the popular, attractive people as well, so I honestly never felt that having Jesus with me all the time was all that unique. I was grateful for His presence, yes, but I saw it as, "I'm just Another Someone Jesus is with all the time."

I so know that something that has helped me is making friends from a variety of backgrounds who accept me for who I am, and I pray you will be able to do the same. I've also been blessed here on CC to meet other Asians and I hope they know how much their simple gift of friendship has helped me feel more positive about life.

I know you must be a beautiful person, Anemone, and I hope and pray that you will form close, meaningful, supportive connections with a variety of other people, including those have mixed racial backgrounds like yourself.

Please feel free to message me if you would like to talk.

 

[mystikmind]

Some very good advice here, not much i can add except one point about self confidence and attractiveness.....

Self confidence is strongly linked to attractiveness and self confidence has far more power to make you attractive or unattractive than looks.

The trick of the devil here is to get people to loose self confidence because of their looks, and as a result, their attractiveness goes down and reinforces the persons poor self confidence, it is a vicious cycle.

There is not too much you can do about your looks, you need to accept yourself, God does! However, you can greatly improve your attractiveness by gaining self confidence.... but increasing attractiveness is just a by product, the real achievement/reward is being self confident!

 

[Faithful_Fay]

From one misfit to another, I'm sorry for your pain. It's never fun or easy on the confidence, being the odd man out. The only advice that I can give stems from my experience growing up not a native to the US. From having a different culture and language to norms.

One of the things that God taught me when I first came to know Him, is to rely on Him to fill my confidence. I can honestly tell you that if I had waited on the world's definition to build my confidence, it would constantly be shaky and needing to be repaired. Like you, I had people tell me that I looked fine, but what consistency is there in that? When you allow God to write His version of your self worth, the opinion of society starts to slowly fade. If you keep a constant commentary of what God says about you, that starts to become your reality.

If I can be frank, everyone has their preferences, and you have to work hard to make sure that you don't internalize it and find yourself lacking. You have no idea where God is going to take you in the future. Your mate might fit your current ideal, or you might find that your preferences have changed.

When I was younger, I swore up and down that I didn't want to marry a man of my culture because of how conservative/traditionally we were raised. You know, the whole girls stay indoors and clean while boys go outside and play bit. But, as I grew, I learned not to assign all of the guys the same characteristics or traits from my childhood. I'm definitely not saying you are guilty of this, but just sharing an old experience.

Keep turning to God. You're doing an awesome job already, and He'll show you the way let go of insecurity. It's so much more peaceful to take God's definition of beauty rather than the world's ever changing one.

 

[secularhermit]

Hi guys,

I feel under attack from the enemy and I'd really value some prayer, advice and perhaps words of encouragement.

I'm 24 and I've had huge issues with self confidence and my looks in the past. The grace of God has allowed me to overcome many of these problems. There are still some issues, however that seep away the joy i know Jesus died for me to dwell in and it is preventing me from loving God with all my heart.

I grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood and attended predominantly white schools/universities. Also, as I have a mixed race father, I felt I poked different to other black girls in a bad way. To put it in simple terms, not being around people who looked like me distorted my self perception. I thought I was strange looking and undesirable and any body who said otherwise was mocking me. Furthermore most of the black boys in school/men at university have been very clear in their lack of desire for black women- this made me feel even more ugly. I never wanted to be a different ethnicity, I just wanted to feel beautiful.

Now I feel a lot better and coming to a place of peace with how God has created me. However my old insecurities are surfacing...I'm very attracted to white men and none appear to be overtly interested. I'm told I'm attractive but it's so hard to find strength through faith to not care and just enjoy life. I want to trust in God and his plan. It's just that i look around me and I don't see where I fit in. It's breaking my heart.

Many thanks for reading .

God bless x

If you want to make your black skin "invisible" just move to a Latin American country. Once you´ve done that I promise you´ll be very visible if you´re like that...

 

[BibleReader]

I was bullied big time as a child, in middle school and highschool. There came a point and time, I felt pretty much like I deserved it? This was me as a kid who was just being victimized over and over again, and for along time, I allowed that to take hold, so the biggest thing is, we can never allow human judgment to impact our self-worth. Not when we have a clear understanding of Jesus Christ, how much he loved us and equipped us. "Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ." is one of my favorite verses any time I feel insecurity taking hold.

Spiritual warfare is real. Everything that doesn't come from God comes from Satan. Anything you feel that isn't good, I promise you is not from God.

Keep looking to God, keep looking to encouragers in Christ, find more ways to move closer with God.

 

[secularhermit]

Sometimes, the problem with this, is becoming bold and soon after, vain and proud... My daughter was one way, and now, she´s too bold and over concerned, particularly now when she´s attenting a gym and being aware she´s too nice looking... Time will tell?

 

[Pumicestone]

..... seek out some counselling from a Christian counsellor .....

NEWSFLASH !
There are undoubtedly skilled and professional counselors out there who may not be Christian.
There may well be "Christian" counselors out there with dubious qualifications and limited ability to help.

Religious bias is hardly indicative of a true professional.

 

[Desdichado]

Hi guys,

I feel under attack from the enemy and I'd really value some prayer, advice and perhaps words of encouragement.

I'm 24 and I've had huge issues with self confidence and my looks in the past. The grace of God has allowed me to overcome many of these problems. There are still some issues, however that seep away the joy i know Jesus died for me to dwell in and it is preventing me from loving God with all my heart.

I grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood and attended predominantly white schools/universities. Also, as I have a mixed race father, I felt I poked different to other black girls in a bad way. To put it in simple terms, not being around people who looked like me distorted my self perception. I thought I was strange looking and undesirable and any body who said otherwise was mocking me. Furthermore most of the black boys in school/men at university have been very clear in their lack of desire for black women- this made me feel even more ugly. I never wanted to be a different ethnicity, I just wanted to feel beautiful.

Now I feel a lot better and coming to a place of peace with how God has created me. However my old insecurities are surfacing...I'm very attracted to white men and none appear to be overtly interested. I'm told I'm attractive but it's so hard to find strength through faith to not care and just enjoy life. I want to trust in God and his plan. It's just that i look around me and I don't see where I fit in. It's breaking my heart.

Many thanks for reading .

God bless x

Move to the US. Men here tend to dig black women with British accents.

 

[rachelsedge]

My heart hurts for you, Anenome24. I love all ethnicities, I just think it's so cool how we're all humans but God made us all so different (as much as we may wish He didn't sometimes), so I hate that instead of being celebrated, your ethnicity was rejected/teased.

My heart also hurts for you because, while my circumstances are different, I know how you feel. When you feel unwanted and unloved because of your looks, or maybe you feel like there must be something wrong with you if no one is interested. So then you start to be down on yourself, feel insecure, and maybe even find it harder to trust others because they probably aren't invested in you, not really. That's how I feel/felt, at least. Keeping people at arm's distance for a certain length of time until you're sure they're legit about their interest (be it in a romantic way or friendship-level).

It's easier said than done, but we can't base our value off our looks. It is not a stable foundation to build value off of. If that were the case, then when I have the flu and I look like death, I am less of a person than when I've got my hair and makeup done and someone compliments me. Seems kind of shallow when thought about that way, right? And so breakable. Like if my entire feeling of self-worth can be shattered just by one bad look from a guy...what kind of self-worth is that? The only stable foundation is Christ, because He is the only unchanging thing.

It's hard, it's HARD to really live that out. When we're rejected for one reason or another, or when we aren't feeling attractive, or loved, or liked, it's hard to feel we're still valued. We may wish to be different than how God made us, but we can't change that, we can only change our perspective.

Besides, you never know when/who will come along for you. Kind of a silly example, but I adopted my very first ferret in 2003. I distinctly remember going to the shelter with a ferret in mind: Miss Binkie. I saw her picture on the internet and she looked so cute. When I got there, I found her hidden under a blanket, sleeping. Half the fur on her tail was shaved off because she'd just had a surgery to have a tumor at the end removed. The shelter guy said she had been passed over a lot; she didn't look like a normal ferret because of that. But my heart just swelled for her. She was so sweet, and perfect for me, and I did not care that half her tail fur was gone. I put the blanket back on her and took a look at the other ferrets, but I eventually went back for her because I knew I wanted her, because even though she was flawed, her personality as a ferret mattered more to me. And she was the perfect first ferret.

So, I'm not trying to compare you to a ferret, NOR am I trying to say that your ethnicity is a flaw. Only that the right person will find you beautiful, and will not find whatever flaws or differences we have to be as repulsive as we believe them to be, because true love and compassion takes the whole package. And I'm going to be silly and put myself in the ferret shoes (even though I know they don't think like this) for a second, because I am this way sometimes, but she could have been thinking, "No one has taken me home. No one loves me as I am, therefore I am unlovable." But REALLY, it's just that *I* hadn't come along yet. Does that make sense?

Basically, Jesus should be your foundation and if you do find that person, they will be attracted to you for the right reasons and you (shouldn't) feel insecure about the way God designed you.

Sorry for my weird analogies. It's how I think through things. And I'm preaching to myself, here, too.

 

[MyLighthouse]

Reading some of this I had to be like "When did I type this? Haha"

Lord knows I've had the worse problems with insecurities and self confidence. I was bullied bad for everything, yes everything! My height, weight, smile, being mixed, even the way I'd color. Everything I did wasn't good enough, everything I was, was ugly and worthless.

Being that your mixed it's normal to feel like you don't belong. I grew up in what is call the pit of Tennessee. I was one of like 5 ethnic kids in the whole k-8 (maybe the whole town, lol) I grew up with different races so this never bothered me, but I did face problems with hair, and what is pretty stuff.

I've heard of "Black Women" are the ugliest race and aren't pretty junk. Yes, junk. Everyone human is beautiful and unique and I'm thankful for that. You are attractive to someone, maybe a lot of someones. But your insecurities are getting in the way. I know I was told no one likes black women, the moment I gave up and was like "who cares what other think, God says I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. I'm staying single and will be happy that way." Then they came *jazz hands* I've been asked out and flirted by guys of all ethnicities and some really cute, ok, they were hot, really hot, haha! But I made up my mind.

Anyways moral of the story. Others have been there. Don't buy in to societies lies. You are beautiful because God says you are, does anyone else opinion matter in comparison to that? Don't look for a guy to make you feel beautiful, look to God. Flunt it! *z snap* (why am I putting in some many expressions...geez I need some sleep)

 

[Miri]

Hi,

just wanted to say be proud of who you are from one Brit to another.

i'm mixed race my mother is British and white, my father unknown but he gave me a wonderful
sun tan. I had the same problem with being the odd one out in school and bullies.
In my years at primary school there was only one other non white kid.

But you know what I've learnt to love my skin colour. Only yesterday I was speaking
to someone who spends loads of money on fake tans, basically she is white but wants
to be just like me!

I told her I'm glad I don't have that problem, just think of all the money you are saving and
all those people who spend hours in the sun wanting your skin colour. Think of all
the wonderful clothes you can wear to match your skin colour.

Be yourself, don't try to be someone else after all there is only one race - the human race.

 

[Desdichado]

Hi,

just wanted to say be proud of who you are from one Brit to another.

i'm mixed race my mother is British and white, my father unknown but he gave me a wonderful
sun tan. I had the same problem with being the odd one out in school and bullies.
In my years at primary school there was only one other non white kid.

But you know what I've learnt to love my skin colour. Only yesterday I was speaking
to someone who spends loads of money on fake tans, basically she is white but wants
to be just like me!

I told her I'm glad I don't have that problem, just think of all the money you are saving and
all those people who spend hours in the sun wanting your skin colour. Think of all
the wonderful clothes you can wear to match your skin colour.

Be yourself, don't try to be someone else after all there is only one race - the human race.

Wrong. There are two races- Jews and everyone else.

Oh the fun I have.

 

[Desdichado]

It's almost a running joke on the other sub-forums, but to be clear I'm a self-deprecating (or self-aggrandizing) (very white) Halakhic Jew who thinks Jesus rocks.

That and girls with most foreign accents. They're cool too.

 

[Anemone24]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm really overwhelmed! I have taken note of all you have to say. Has anyone got bits of the bible that may be of use (even though I'm sure all of it is, technically...)?

I remember when I read Song of Songs for the first time I wept like a baby- "I am dark but I am beautiful..."

 

[Anemone24]

It's almost a running joke on the other sub-forums, but to be clear I'm a self-deprecating (or self-aggrandizing) (very white) Halakhic Jew who thinks Jesus rocks.

That and girls with most foreign accents. They're cool too.

Haha! Ok, Desdichado. Note taken

 

[Hurting]

Hi, I got a Scripture for You that I like a lot, It doesn't bring me out of the dumps but it refocuses when I need it which is all the time; Philipians 1:27. Whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Hope you can use it. God Bless Always