Should the church be doing something to support 'singleness'?

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C

cazbelle

Guest
#1
#1
So here is a discussion topic

I'm a single girl who from a young age has very much had a heart to be married and have a large family. I became a christian just before i was 21 after some rocky teenage years with drink and drugs. I committed my life to Christ and have never really looked back. Scoot forward 11 years and I am now almost 32 and single. In face i haven't really been on a proper date since i became a christian. I have been active in my church and lead a full life. I have a big friendship group and its quite rare for me to have an evening in (but when i do they are the best!) I digress. My point being i'm a normal girl just serving God and living life right. Hoping and praying that one day i will meet someone special who will reciprocate feelings.

But then there is this part of me which is sooo conflicted. I trust God for my future but this journey of 'singleness' is a hard and lonely road to walk. If you have been there then you know that sometimes being in the middle of your friendship group and feeling totally along is a true feeling.

Back to the discussion point ... The church, my church, my great church (that i love), my active church. My church that runs courses for teens, for youth, for young adults, for women, for men, for pre marriage , for marriage, courses for raising up toddlers, for parenting teens. Well what about those that walk a path that isn't the 'norm'?

My church, and rightfully so celebrates when couples get engaged and are married, the new dynamic duo are highly praised and are told they can achieve so much as God is FOR marriage, and of course He is and they can. But they aren't the only ones. Where is the public praise for the single girl who made it through another week of crazy hormones without saying yes to the non-christian who asked her out... seriously, let's be real, it's hard! Good job me!

Some people, although they desire it, never get married. Does that mean they have failed, absolutely not, but it does mean that they are walking in a future that they never planned for. More often than not, a lonely one, even if surrounded by many.

I want to talk about this because recently my pastor asked me if the church should throw a speed dating night so that i (and others like me) might be able to meet someone. I was horrified. This journey is not something I often discuss with people so i'm not sure where it came from in him. Should church's be looking to marry people off, or should they be looking to affirm us where we are in whatever stage we are in.

Thoughts?
 
Jilly81

Jilly81

Senior Member
#2
Jan 16, 2011
2,365
136
63
#2
cazbelle said:
Should church's be looking to marry people off, or should they be looking to affirm us where we are in whatever stage we are in.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I agree with the part in red, so long as it's not one of those people who is sinning yet still insisting that "I'm fine because God still loves me", when we have been commanded to chasten each other in the Lord as needed (that's not an exact quote; I can look it up later if needed). A singles' group for the church is a good thing, so long as it is led by the Holy Spirit and things are done decently and in order. Considering what Paul said about it being better not to marry (granted, it was for the "current distress", but still), churches need to stop trying so hard to match up the single peeps. It's not a problem we have that needs to be "fixed" by pastoral intervention, but rather a life stage that for a few of us lasts a lifetime.
 
Jilly81

Jilly81

Senior Member
#3
Jan 16, 2011
2,365
136
63
#3
Also, welcome to the site, my sister :).
 
p_rehbein

p_rehbein

Senior Member
#4
Sep 4, 2013
30,179
6,529
113
#4
In my opinion, the church/Pastor should not be running a "dating service." However, they should have support groups/classes for all peoples of their congregation, regardless of what status they are. Young, old, married, single, whatever.

Now, I wish to say that we should not be seeking "public praise." All glory and praise should be directed at God. Not meaning to hurt your feelings, but we shouldn't be expecting to receive the "praise" of other members of our church for living as God called us to live.

If your heart desires to be married and have a family, keep your eyes and heart on Christ, and if it is His will, He will provide.

God bless
 
C

cazbelle

Guest
#5
#5
To clarify, I'm not after praise from church members at all, I'm just saying that I've seen it when couples are celebrated publicly because they got engaged, or are expecting or whatever the reason. But it doesn't happen all that often when a single person moves from one stage of life to another. It's not that I need about a pat on the back it's more like if you are going to celebrate one person's achievements then celebrate everyone's... not just the married persons.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#6
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#6
Welcome to CC singles cazbelle. You've come to the right place. You know that place where you can talk to your fellow singles about being single without people thinking that singleness is a problem that needs fixing and trying to set you up with someone.

Many of us have run into the same frustrations that you are talking about. I don't have a lot of solutions, but I think part of the place churches, and people outside the church too, should start is by actually asking singles what they want and need for support and listening to the answers instead of thinking that a relationship will solve everything. Relationships are messy and a lot of work. I am rather adamant that not everyone should currently be in a relationship, but I'm becoming just as adamant that normal Christian singles should not be discouraged from being intentional and diligent about pursuing a godly relationship.

It's great for the church to have singles fellowship events, but even then the events should be about fellowship first, not about matching people up. Giving people the chance to meet and get to know each other casually and then they should be mature enough to decide for themselves if they want to take it to one on one dating type stuff or not. Though one thing churches probably could do and many don't do well is provide relationship mentoring for singles throughout the whole dating process. Too often there is a shortage of people who will step in and point out the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship to you.
 
Z

zaoman32

Guest
#7
#7
I think the reason singles get overlooked more often is because the demographic of christian singles in the church over 21 is so small. I look at my own church, which has absolutely nothing for singles. We have probably around 200 members or so, even those I don't know I'm familiar with, and as far as I know the only singles at my church over 18 are myself and the pastors daughter.

There's also a very good friend of mine who feels called to stay single. There's nothing wrong with that, and I imagine it has its difficulties, but a lot of people don't understand it. When I tell people I don't care if I stay single or not, I would really be fine staying single, I get that comforting smile and the "just be patient and God will send you someone in His time." How can I be patient if I don't care to begin with?

Marriage is strongly emphasized and supported in the church, but I think that leads to the danger that you mentioned of just over looking singles, and misinterpreting what they want in life. Do I think the church SHOULD do more? Yes. But it's definitely not easy with such a small number of people. If I had the solutions, I'd be a pastor.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#8
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#8
cazbelle said:
So here is a discussion topic

I'm a single girl who from a young age has very much had a heart to be married and have a large family. I became a christian just before i was 21 after some rocky teenage years with drink and drugs. I committed my life to Christ and have never really looked back. Scoot forward 11 years and I am now almost 32 and single. In face i haven't really been on a proper date since i became a christian. I have been active in my church and lead a full life. I have a big friendship group and its quite rare for me to have an evening in (but when i do they are the best!) I digress. My point being i'm a normal girl just serving God and living life right. Hoping and praying that one day i will meet someone special who will reciprocate feelings.

But then there is this part of me which is sooo conflicted. I trust God for my future but this journey of 'singleness' is a hard and lonely road to walk. If you have been there then you know that sometimes being in the middle of your friendship group and feeling totally along is a true feeling.

Back to the discussion point ... The church, my church, my great church (that i love), my active church. My church that runs courses for teens, for youth, for young adults, for women, for men, for pre marriage , for marriage, courses for raising up toddlers, for parenting teens. Well what about those that walk a path that isn't the 'norm'?

My church, and rightfully so celebrates when couples get engaged and are married, the new dynamic duo are highly praised and are told they can achieve so much as God is FOR marriage, and of course He is and they can. But they aren't the only ones. Where is the public praise for the single girl who made it through another week of crazy hormones without saying yes to the non-christian who asked her out... seriously, let's be real, it's hard! Good job me!

Some people, although they desire it, never get married. Does that mean they have failed, absolutely not, but it does mean that they are walking in a future that they never planned for. More often than not, a lonely one, even if surrounded by many.

I want to talk about this because recently my pastor asked me if the church should throw a speed dating night so that i (and others like me) might be able to meet someone. I was horrified. This journey is not something I often discuss with people so i'm not sure where it came from in him. Should church's be looking to marry people off, or should they be looking to affirm us where we are in whatever stage we are in.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
What's the primary motive of the church? Is it to make disciples? Spread God's Word? Making sure the singleness amongst members goes down lower? If we are concerned more about not having a mate rather than spreading the Gospel, I think we have our priorities out of order.
 
passing_through

passing_through

Banned
#9
Feb 1, 2015
1,198
15
0
#9
cazbelle said:
To clarify, I'm not after praise from church members at all, I'm just saying that I've seen it when couples are celebrated publicly because they got engaged, or are expecting or whatever the reason. But it doesn't happen all that often when a single person moves from one stage of life to another. It's not that I need about a pat on the back it's more like if you are going to celebrate one person's achievements then celebrate everyone's... not just the married persons.
Click to expand...
I understand in part, it seems that the married with children have more friendship, gets selected for leadership in the church, and is in the core group of the church and not the fringe.
 
C

cazbelle

Guest
#10
#10
All good points all. Thanks for contributing

Zaoman, sorry to hear there are not too many single in your area .. or i suppose that is a good thing? But in London there are sooooo many singles it is like an epidemic and the majority are ladies. I suppose the ratio etc will depend where you are reading this from
 
D

DCrawshawJr

Guest
#11
#11
I totally agree that there should be more support for those who choose to be and stay single. Hey, if you're fine with it, keep going! (see I Corinthians 7:32-35,38,40) Only those who aren't OK with staying single should pursue marriage. (See verse 9.) For those like you, after prayer, I would suggest talking to your pastor, or if that doesn't work, start your own fellowship group of singles! However, if you do, make sure you let them know that these are ONLY for single people NOT interested in a relationship or marriage.

jsr1221, the primary motive of the Church must be to make disciples. However, we are also called to minister to the needs of the people, and for some, that is finding spouses for them. Not for the sake of status, but for the sake of avoiding fornication. Because, as verses 32-35 points out, marriage is a distraction from serving the Lord. Not a sin, but a distraction. I have always said to myself, while 1 focus (Jesus) is better than 2 (Jesus and a family), 2 is better than 20. You're right, the main focus must be on loving God and loving others. This is why I say while 1 is better than 2, 2 is better than 20.
 
thecreationtutor

thecreationtutor

Senior Member
#12
Jun 30, 2011
2,521
35
0
#12
There is no money in singles, families will pay money because your taking care of their kids
 
Z

zaoman32

Guest
#14
#14
cazbelle said:
All good points all. Thanks for contributing

Zaoman, sorry to hear there are not too many single in your area .. or i suppose that is a good thing? But in London there are sooooo many singles it is like an epidemic and the majority are ladies. I suppose the ratio etc will depend where you are reading this from
Click to expand...
Yeah, it's good for a number of reasons, not the least of which, if a single girl shows up around my age with similar interests, I know she'll be my wife hahaha
 
C

cazbelle

Guest
#15
#15
thecreationtutor are you suggesting that families only tithe because they send their kids to sunday school?
 
thecreationtutor

thecreationtutor

Senior Member
#17
Jun 30, 2011
2,521
35
0
#17
cazbelle said:
thecreationtutor are you suggesting that families only tithe because they send their kids to sunday school?
Click to expand...

I would be surprised, i have seen churches named "family first" - churches use marketing strategies like businesses, so those who are invested as far as use of services - children's ministry etc - are they more likely to give - possibly

I don't think it's a rediculous - I would not be surprised if this was a reasoning used
 
PoetMary

PoetMary

Banned
#18
Nov 25, 2014
942
44
0
#18
I think there are a couple of underlying philosophies at work:

1. Marriages/families need support AND
2. Most single people want to get married anyway

And, it IS true that marriages and families need support culturally. We live in a time when marriages are frivolously made and easily broken, and when the family structure can become a bit...chaotic. It makes sense that churches would be invested in helping people build strong marriages and raise their children.

It's also true that the vast majority of single people probably do want to marry. So, once you move into the first category, you'll have full access to all the supports the church offers.

However, here is how those philosophies are flawed: Most churches offer little support to singles in the "meantime." They put their resources into spiritually uplifting and strengthening families. If you're single, you're pretty much on your own.

This is also why singles don't need church-sanctioned dating opportunities, or singles' groups that substitute for bars. What single Christians need are spiritual disciplines that will help them on their walk. So, churches should be focused on building and encouraging these disciplines.

(As an aside: this also means that the Singles Ministry probably doesn't need to be led by a married couple that married at like age 19 and were single for like 15mins).
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#19
Aug 13, 2014
24,895
8,156
113
#19
passing_through said:
I understand in part, it seems that the married with children have more friendship, gets selected for leadership in the church, and is in the core group of the church and not the fringe.
Click to expand...
Hmm, yes... about that. There are many leadership positions I would technically be capable of filling - yet as a single guy it would put me in a dangerous position. satan is always looking to pull leaders down and as a single young minister in my church anybody who wanted to cause trouble could claim I behaved improperly to a lady. Had I a wife, I would have a bit of protection from such.

Not that I'm impatient to be a leader. It's a pain.
 
p_rehbein

p_rehbein

Senior Member
#20
Sep 4, 2013
30,179
6,529
113
#20
thecreationtutor said:
I would be surprised, i have seen churches named "family first" - churches use marketing strategies like businesses, so those who are invested as far as use of services - children's ministry etc - are they more likely to give - possibly

I don't think it's a rediculous - I would not be surprised if this was a reasoning used
Click to expand...
Anyone sees a church with a name like this...........turn quickly around and go the other way. ANY church that does not consider GOD FIRST is not a church of His.

(well, in my opinion anyway)
 
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