"Not ready for a relationship" success stories??

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NFD33

Guest
#1
I thought about typing out my whole situation..but like most it is really complicated. There are so many factors that can change the advice that someone may give me and I probably wouldn't remember to say a lot of it. So, my brief situation is a girl and I had been talking for around 3 months. She is truly an amazing woman and we had a very special connection. We both said we did and talked a lot about the future. She took on a promotion which had a lot of extra responsibility. I'm very proud of her for it! But, a month into it she says she doesn't think she is ready for the relationship she thought she was and had a lot going on that she needed to focus on. I really want to be there for her, any way I can. That's my brief situation if anyone wants to comment on it.

What I'm actually wondering about is if anyone here has a story where someone told them they were not ready for a relationship where it eventually worked out. Id be interested in the brief situation, how long it took for the relationship to get back on track, and anything you did (or didn't do) that you think helped the relationship.

Thanks for any advice!
 
Apr 15, 2014
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#2
Are you only looking for success stories or do you want opinion?

My experience is that if a relationship is worth it to both parties, an effort is made despite time or other constraints.
 
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NFD33

Guest
#3
I'm interested in any advice. The general response is "move on" and "it will never work out" etc. I'm not gonna fool myself into thinking there are any guarantees. I just hear so much negative and was just wondering if anyone had some positive stories to share.
 
Apr 15, 2014
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#4
I would say to move on. It might be that your absence makes her realize that you are who she wants, but I wouldn't sit around waiting for it. I'm sorry, NFD. If someone tells me that I'm not who they want, I have to respect their decision.

(I wish I could protect people's hearts... mine too... from the inevitable heartache that even successful relationships have)
 
May 16, 2015
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#5
If people want to be in a relationship with someone, they will always find a way to make time for them. Sound like this girl is putting her career first. So many people put work before family and significant others. Like Olerica said move on, in the long run you will be better off.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,358
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#6
I thought about typing out my whole situation..but like most it is really complicated. There are so many factors that can change the advice that someone may give me and I probably wouldn't remember to say a lot of it. So, my brief situation is a girl and I had been talking for around 3 months. She is truly an amazing woman and we had a very special connection. We both said we did and talked a lot about the future. She took on a promotion which had a lot of extra responsibility. I'm very proud of her for it! But, a month into it she says she doesn't think she is ready for the relationship she thought she was and had a lot going on that she needed to focus on. I really want to be there for her, any way I can. That's my brief situation if anyone wants to comment on it.

What I'm actually wondering about is if anyone here has a story where someone told them they were not ready for a relationship where it eventually worked out. Id be interested in the brief situation, how long it took for the relationship to get back on track, and anything you did (or didn't do) that you think helped the relationship.

Thanks for any advice!
Well from your brief summary, what she has said is pretty inconclusive. Is she just feeling overwhelmed adjusting to some of the new responsibilities of her promotion? Now I'm prone to being overly direct, but if I were in your situation I would be asking for a bit more definition. I.E. Does she's not ready mean she wants to slow things down and back off for a month or two and then you should call her? or does it mean that she's feeling so unsure about life, the universe, and everything that she's starting to isolate herself from any close connections with people? Does she want you gone or does she just find thinking about a future with you a bit daunting right now? Answers might be painful, but the uncertainty can also drive you crazy if you let it.

While I would recommend beginning to emotionally detach, it is your choice whether you want to still try to be there for her or not. Just be wary of becoming the pseudo-relationship guy (the guy friend she gets most of the emotional benefits of having a relationship from without committing to a relationship) or being otherwise drug along indefinitely by her indecisiveness. And above all, if she doesn't come out and say she thinks you could have a relationship in the future once she "is ready" don't expect her to change her mind about it.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#7
I was into a chick who told me that. Told me she was 'years away' from being ready for a relationship, despite having told me she came close to dating me, or wanting to. A few months later i saw a friend of hers blatantly hitting on her. She gave him the same speech, but also encouraged his behavior. A week or two later she posted they were in a relationship. I banished her from my life without a word.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#8
I was into a chick who told me that. Told me she was 'years away' from being ready for a relationship, despite having told me she came close to dating me, or wanting to. A few months later i saw a friend of hers blatantly hitting on her. She gave him the same speech, but also encouraged his behavior. A week or two later she posted they were in a relationship. I banished her from my life without a word.
Well that is one of the classic mysteries of women.... sometimes they do not realize what they want unless you show them the right reason to want it!
 
Apr 15, 2014
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#9
Well that is one of the classic mysteries of women.... sometimes they do not realize what they want unless you show them the right reason to want it!
That's true of all people, Mysticmind. Sometimes, the person isn't right... or she had romantic feelings for this friend for awhile and was being patient and hopeful for him.

I'm sorry you were hurt, Ugly. It happens to all of us.
 
Sep 6, 2013
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#10
To the OP, she sounds kind of overwhelmed with her job and life right now, so there's hope I think, that once things settle down and she feels less stressed she might not be so wary of a relationship. I would advise being very casual with her, letting her know that you understand and if she ever needs to talk, etc, you are around. Give her space. She may just be panicking at her new responsibilities and wondering how she could ever manage to have free time again, when in reality - hopefully - she will settle into her position and things will get easier, giving her more peace about things.

I disagree that she is putting her career first as someone else mentioned. She took a promotion, and ended up busier and more stressed than she probably anticipated. You were just getting to know each other. It would be strange for her to turn down a promotion because of that, at this very early stage in your relationship.

To Ugly: I'm probably guilty of what you mentioned myself... having said on this very forum for a solid year that I wasn't ready, wasn't going to date, wasn't interested in any relationship. And I meant it. But as we grow and progress and become closer to people, things can change in ways we never expected.
 
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NFD33

Guest
#11
Grace--I hope you're right!

In my original post, I was intentionally vague due to wanting some success stories. However, I will elaborate a little on my situation. She and I both work for a State University. We both work for the same division but in different departments. While we ultimately answer to the same boss, we don't interact very much. She is considered middle management, answering only to top brass. I am much newer and am much lower on the totem poll. I have a lot of bosses before getting to our main boss. I should note she in no way supervises me though even though she is high in the food chain. Her new job is very stressful and she has even had some health issues from stress that have affected her, which worries me. We are not prohibited from dating, however we have to be very careful. We don't cross paths much, however we do occasionally work events together. I am very proud of her for her accomplishments and want to support her in any way I can. I had a much better post but I lost it, so this is where I'll leave it. I hope this helps for any advice someone may give. Also, any success stories would be appreciated.

My trust being in God, my faith is well founded and I trust the Lord has a plan for me no matter how this turns out.
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
837
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#12
I have a success story for you buddy. I was stuck on a girl. She wasn't ready. I agonized for months over her.

Then I found a fun job and another woman.

Today's lesson is never let a possible significant other make you put a pause button on life. Take it as an opportunity to invest time in yourself and in your relationship with God. Endeavor to build your character, become more interesting, and find someone open enough to be worthy of your affection.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#13
I have a success story for you buddy. I was stuck on a girl. She wasn't ready. I agonized for months over her.

Then I found a fun job and another woman.

Today's lesson is never let a possible significant other make you put a pause button on life. Take it as an opportunity to invest time in yourself and in your relationship with God. Endeavor to build your character, become more interesting, and find someone open enough to be worthy of your affection.
Yes! very good answer :) ,,,, very good.