A Pastor’s Apology To The Single Community

[Misty77]

by John Pavlovitz

This is a message to all those who are single or who have spent any years in the Church as a single person.

As a pastor who has served in local church ministry for the past 17 years, I wanted to apologize to you on behalf of so many of us who minister and who too often have failed you.

• I am deeply sorry.
• I’m sorry for the ways we unintentionally distanced you from community; the times that we overlooked your deep needs and your unique challenges as we planned and prepared.
• I’m sorry for the times we relegated you to the segregated ghettos of Singles Ministry, making you feel that was enough to hold you over until you eventually graduated from your relational purgatory.
• I’m sorry for the times you felt like an afterthought in our worship services.
• I’m sorry for the times you felt unwelcome or extraneous in our small groups.
• I’m sorry for depriving you of the great richness of multigenerational ministry.
• I’m sorry for the many times our sermon series lifted up Marriage and Family, and in the process ignored the awkwardness that might create for you.
• I’m sorry for the way our programming and event schedules might have accidentally diminished your contributions and your worth.
• I’m sorry for the way we so easily defaulted to lazy language that so often excluded you.
• You need to know that this was never intentional, but even still, I know it is incredibly painful.
• You need to know that you are valued and treasured and appreciated, even when we have failed to let you know.
• You are The Church.
• You are not second class Christians.
• You are not inferior members of our communities.
• You are not worth less than those who have found married life a reality.
• Your singleness is not a temporary affliction that you need to be healed of, or a sad fate you need to be rescued from.
• It is not a sign that your faith is suspect or that your prayers are not earnest or that your goodness is at all in doubt.
• It is not proof of your character flaws or your moral failings or your lack of value.
• It is simply this place and time in your story.
• You may not remain single forever, however if you do, that is not a defeat and it is not a compromise.
• You are a child of God. There is never wrong or loss or failure in that.
• You are not currently incomplete, biding time, just awaiting to be made half of something else.
• You are a beautiful whole human being, made singularly and perfectly in the image of God.
• We in leadership in the Church have often failed to really see you or have fallen short of pastoring you well.
• We may do it again, and for that too I ask for forgiveness.
• Never ever doubt how priceless your life is.
• You are deeply and fully loved; every single one of you.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Seventy percent of American males between the ages of 20 and 34 are not married and about half of them say they NEVER intend to.

Record Share of Americans Have Never Married | Pew Research Center

Factor in that Christianity is declining along with church attendance and American churches are starting to wake up to the fact that many of them aren't going to survive to mid-century, much less the end of the century, unless they find a way to successfully address the "millennial problem" of both young people staying away from church and young men saying no to the feminist state legal contract which is based on the "progressive" child support model and refusing to form nuclear families.

But it may already be too late for many of these churches though they don't yet realize it. In just a few decades their existing base will have largely died off, the question is has the numerical momentum of young millennials who have internalized a worldview which no longer includes a local church crossed the line of no return.

If it has, apologizes won't change a thing. People don't form the core internalized worldview which guides their decision-making and behavior on the apologies of others.

Apologies only work to change the behavior of people who already share the same worldview that harbor resentments which are keeping them away.

Feel me?

 

[cmarieh]

You have nothing to apologize for. I feel that I was blessed hearing the sermons about marriage and families because without them I wouldn't have the mindset I do have regarding those things. Yes, I know what it says in the bible however hearing someone else talk about them makes me feel at ease. Again you have nothing to apologize for. May God Bless You

 

[p_rehbein]

I don't think she was apologizing, but quoting a statement written by John Pavlovtiz.

I would like to say that not ALL church congregations ignore "singles" in such a manner though. In my opinion, "singles" within the congregation are to be "celebrated," for they ARE the FUTURE of the congregation. My church certainly celebrates singles, as we do all other members. They are excluded from no part of our service.

 

[Desdichado]

Again, this pastor merely points out the problems associated with a church radically distancing itself from the liturgy.

Obviously, this was not his intention, but I do think a lot of the problems he cites would be taken care of.