Reasons: overly analytical or wise?

[PopClick]

It's going to be hard to respond while simultaneously dancing around the question, haha.

In the past, someone being specific about reasons for their interest has knocked a few points off of my cynicism. BUT, it really isn't their job to knock a few points off of my cynicism. If my cynicism shouldn't be there, that it's my job (and God's, of course, but you know what I mean) to deal with and improve it.

If there isn't much information given, we sometimes draw our own conclusioins in one direction or the other, as in, "Oh he's so charming and perfect and I'm in love even though we've only just met" or "That stinky so-and-so is just being manipulative" when the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. We sometimes want more details for the sake of protecting our hearts by not forming a wrong impression. And I think that's fine. But gather those details gradually, you know? Ask God to protect your heart and don't make the guy feel like you're rewarding their courage by giving them the Spanish Inquisition. Because nobody expects that.

 

[PoetMary]

Part of the deal with all this analysis and drive for "answers" is that it's an attempt to mitigate risk and uncertainty.

You're not sure if a person really likes you, so you ask them for their "reasons" for asking you on a date. Their ability to present a list (so long as it's the right list) means that this venture is less scary.

But as someone mentioned, there are plenty of people who experience attraction and don't know or can't articulate why (and, let's be honest, doesn't analyzing it all kind of flatten the experience)?

The truth is dating is risky. Your capacity to be hurt in the process is there. It's not going to be mitigated if he comments on your "fine eyes." We want some assuredness that it will work, but we know that it doesn't exist. Someone can wake up one morning in a 30-year marriage and be told, "I'm done with you," by their spouse. Loving others always involves some kind of risk. There are no guarantees that they will love you back.

You just have to be willing to get in the arena and gut it out...even if it means potentially getting the stuffing beaten out of you.

Ok so we all know I’m overly analytical at times (like always) and I’m wondering if I’m unusually weird here or if this is perfectly reasonable and more normal than not. So, when someone you don't know shows interest in getting to know you better or spending one on one time with you, do you want to know the reasons for their interest? Recent events brought to the forefront that I very much want a reason why a guy would single me out from all the other ladies in the world, and if that guy cannot say anything specific regarding why he wants to know me, I distrust his interest and feel like I’m just a warm body that happens to be female and seem available and that he just wants a girl or a relationship but not necessarily me.


So ladies (or gents) do any of you go through a similar thought process? And gents (or ladies) if the person you are interested in asked you why you were interested, how would you respond?

 

[Faithful_Fay]

So ladies (or gents) do any of you go through a similar thought process? And gents (or ladies) if the person you are interested in asked you why you were interested, how would you respond?

Guilty here. Mostly, I have the thoughts but never actually vocalized the question. I'm not a stranger to guys approaching when you're out and about and it does tend to make me more skeptical. I attribute the reason for interest is purely physical. And, like you mentioned, I figure any semi-attractive female would garner the same attention.

I am not really wired that way. I tend to need time to warm up to people, so the instant attraction bit doesn't work in my mind. Believe it or not, I've had a guy ask me out and when I declined, turned around and asked my sister, who also happens to be my twin, out in the next breath. I'm not normally rude, but I had to ask him if he was serious after that one.

I think it is different when it is a friend or a workmate. They've maybe had a chance to observe something admirable about you other than the obvious? I don't know, there is a slight chance of reassurance of some depth? I never thought of it as being overly analytical but just logical. Or to be attributed to personality type. Who knows.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

I'm over analytical too, and I would wonder the same thing. I have a hard time though sorting out though between what you mentioned about just being THERE, or the phenomenon of "just liking being around you." Like "I can be myself around you" is valid. But if "I want to know you better" is followed by "I dunno just cuz" I'd be wary.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Ok so we all know I’m overly analytical at times (like always) and I’m wondering if I’m unusually weird here or if this is perfectly reasonable and more normal than not. So, when someone you don't know shows interest in getting to know you better or spending one on one time with you, do you want to know the reasons for their interest? Recent events brought to the forefront that I very much want a reason why a guy would single me out from all the other ladies in the world, and if that guy cannot say anything specific regarding why he wants to know me, I distrust his interest and feel like I’m just a warm body that happens to be female and seem available and that he just wants a girl or a relationship but not necessarily me.


So ladies (or gents) do any of you go through a similar thought process? And gents (or ladies) if the person you are interested in asked you why you were interested, how would you respond?

I like you ...and I'm not telling you WHY!

 

[Desdichado]

Human behavior is messy and formless. At the end of the day, motivations and machinations are not as important as we make them out to be, because the response should be the same regardless.

We want to love. We want to be loved. We want to get the most value out of that love.

Analysis is helpful to a point, but it's far more important to get to the crux of the matter and make a decision.

 

[Calmador]

Ok so we all know I’m overly analytical at times (like always) and I’m wondering if I’m unusually weird here or if this is perfectly reasonable and more normal than not. So, when someone you don't know shows interest in getting to know you better or spending one on one time with you, do you want to know the reasons for their interest? Recent events brought to the forefront that I very much want a reason why a guy would single me out from all the other ladies in the world, and if that guy cannot say anything specific regarding why he wants to know me, I distrust his interest and feel like I’m just a warm body that happens to be female and seem available and that he just wants a girl or a relationship but not necessarily me.


So ladies (or gents) do any of you go through a similar thought process? And gents (or ladies) if the person you are interested in asked you why you were interested, how would you respond?

I think I'd be perfectly fine with a woman asking me why. I usually list reasons in my head anyways. I'd respond honestly and plus it's a great opportunity to flirt with her.

I also think instead of being analytical. We should master how to use our intuition greatly in relationships... not think... FEEL the situation and flow into a certain decision and action.

Her glance, tone of voice, word choice, and body language might tell you something you can't "think" through, but you might be able to realize that she (he in your case) is interested.

Lastly, like you might've gotten this from others...but asking why is a bit direct/confrontational. Maybe if you word it differently and asked when your both more comfortable with each other or at a different time ... or if the guy himself relatively talked about it. For example, the guy could say... "You are so smart." You could ask, "Oh, is that why you asked me out?." He could say, "Its one of the reasons. I also like blahablahblah..." You get the idea. That's what I think anyways. lol

 

[cinder]

Wow that's a lot of responses. Thanks for the serious answers. But the other answers spark some more important overly analytical questions like: if you throw that scaldingly hot coffee on a creep, can he sue you for the pain and emotional damage caused by the burns or is that more like he can come after you for assault? Why do Americans have this huge bias in favor of coffee over tea, and what do you do if you don't like coffee? Why won't zero tell me why he likes me ? And most importantly why doesn't anyone expect the Spanish Inquisition (and what's the protocol if the other person doesn't speak spanish but you still want to give them the Spanish Inquisition)?

Good question. It depends on the vibe during the conversation. Is it a buddy conversation or is he slipping in an occasional flirtive sentence here and there?

Personally, when I ping you it is because I find you as crazy as I am, so I enjoy our conversations. Plus, I think you are a good, logical friend!

See mutual insanity that's a good logical reason. That's why we're friends (albeit friends that threaten to sic minions on each other and do other supervillany things in our mutually competitive quest for world domination). But no this thread isn't about you in any way.

 

[PopClick]

what's the protocol if the other person doesn't speak spanish but you still want to give them the Spanish Inquisition?

You may give them the French Inquisition, but first you have to fill out form "5859393-ta mère", and you must have an interpreter nearby at all times, should the need arise.

 

[skylove7]

What confuses me about many people in a wrong relationship....is...when we want a Latte,...we wont even settle for an espresso!. Yet some just settle for the wrong person, for them the rest of their lives? Im sorry...its just patience has been a true friend, that hasnt let me down yet!

 

[Liamson]

I, as the pursuant interlocutor, have wondered the same thing.


If I meet 20 uniquely intelligent and interesting women during a week, what should spark my interest to such a degree that I would set out to choose one above all others?

By what right do I have to convince someone that I am who she should be with?


If I think about it long enough it simply seems arbitrary. Its the same feeling as flipping through a Denny's menu and then asking what everyone else is having. To me that is wrong. So I don't hunt or seek or date or whatever, I wait for the spark.

To complicate matters further, whichever person I select, must then choose from her countless potential suitors, of all people, me. It never works out that way. The person I find fascinating, fancies someone else, meanwhile, I am oblivious to whomever is jockeying for my attention and affection.


So we hope for the Spark, to see and to be seen, doing something which is an intrinsic expression of ourselves, as we know ourselves. It is easy to fall in love with someone in the midst of them expressing their heart in what they do best. Its that authenticity, passion and liberation that moves and inspires us. But this street is one way, the greatest challenge is to see and to be seen. To love and to be loved.

Or as Bob Marley would put it, "Could you be loved, and in love?"




Or perhaps I missed the question entirely, I've been gone for a while.

 

[Shouryu]

Welcome back, Liamson. ^_^

 

[agirlandherguitar]

I am overly analytical (or maybe I should say "critical"). I'm learning that about myself being in a relationship, that I am constantly questioning my boyfriend's motives or the things he says and so far I've always been wrong. I've built up a great mistrust of people in my heart and I never seem to shake that feeling that somebody isn't genuine with me. It's not only my boyfriend but my best friend and family members I do this to, which is obvious that it is an issue within me. It can really damage a good thing! Praying for change is hard because it means God will put these types of situations in your life more and more to exercise out. Changing a character flaw or personality issue is never easy. It's great that you recognize this in yourself.

 

[Breeze7]

If asked why I was interested I would tell the truth. I would also say, "I felt maybe you felt something too".