Reasons: overly analytical or wise?

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cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#1
Mar 26, 2014
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#1
Ok so we all know I’m overly analytical at times (like always) and I’m wondering if I’m unusually weird here or if this is perfectly reasonable and more normal than not. So, when someone you don't know shows interest in getting to know you better or spending one on one time with you, do you want to know the reasons for their interest? Recent events brought to the forefront that I very much want a reason why a guy would single me out from all the other ladies in the world, and if that guy cannot say anything specific regarding why he wants to know me, I distrust his interest and feel like I’m just a warm body that happens to be female and seem available and that he just wants a girl or a relationship but not necessarily me.


So ladies (or gents) do any of you go through a similar thought process? And gents (or ladies) if the person you are interested in asked you why you were interested, how would you respond?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
Id say give it time. Maybe there is something about you they like and want to get to know you more first, to see if there is a real spark there, or if you seem to feel something towards them. So they may not yet feel comfortable sharing their real motivations. Often saying too much too soon messes things up and they may be trying to avoid that.

But it really I don't much have this problem. Unless it's someone that shows an unrealistic amount of interest to me in a short time then I don't question it.
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#3
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
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#3
Oh, Cinder...Relax. It's just coffee.

I would think that if someone you don't know shows interest in getting to know you better, then that IS the reason for their interest. Reasons for the initial attraction will vary from your looks to such quirks as the way you have to eat with all your food not touching each other. He might not even know why he is attracted to you. If he does know, he may not always be able to articulate it.

Confronting him about why he asked you out and not all those other women will kill any budding relationship. So while it may be normal to wonder about motives, it's not always best to do or say something that can be interpreted as a challenge. It took some guts to ask you out in the first place. So, relax It's just coffee. If he's a nice guy, then great! You made a new friend or endured a "meh" moment with a nice guy you have no connection with. No harm done. If he's a creep...well, it was just coffee.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#4
Apr 18, 2013
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#4
If I asked a girl out and she said, "Why?"...
that statement would answer all my questions about any possible relationship.

I would immediately cancel the offer.

"Why" is at the very top of my list of wrong answers.
: )
 
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S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#5
#5
Do we need to catalog specifics for engaging people, or for showing casual interest? If so, that seems awfully guarded.

I engage complete strangers all the time with varying intrigue. I don't have any motives other than to break social boundaries to learn about and from people.
 
B

biabia

Guest
#6
#6
cinder said:
Ok so we all know I’m overly analytical at times (like always) and I’m wondering if I’m unusually weird here or if this is perfectly reasonable and more normal than not. So, when someone you don't know shows interest in getting to know you better or spending one on one time with you, do you want to know the reasons for their interest? Recent events brought to the forefront that I very much want a reason why a guy would single me out from all the other ladies in the world, and if that guy cannot say anything specific regarding why he wants to know me, I distrust his interest and feel like I’m just a warm body that happens to be female and seem available and that he just wants a girl or a relationship but not necessarily me.


So ladies (or gents) do any of you go through a similar thought process? And gents (or ladies) if the person you are interested in asked you why you were interested, how would you respond?
Click to expand...
Like you, I too have an overly analytical mind. I personally feel you aren't weird but than again.. I don't know you for a very long time...Sorry, that was my analytical mind playing up again.

So anyway, if I was in your shoes, I would question his motive. Profile him and maybe do a little interrogation(kidding). But seriously, I would trust in your women's intuition.. or in christian words, your holy spirit.. do you have peace about it, on the matter? If so, why not? Pray about it, ask for wisdom and maybe talk to another wise older christian lady.
 
B

biabia

Guest
#7
#7
CatHerder said:
Oh, Cinder...Relax. It's just coffee.

I would think that if someone you don't know shows interest in getting to know you better, then that IS the reason for their interest. Reasons for the initial attraction will vary from your looks to such quirks as the way you have to eat with all your food not touching each other. He might not even know why he is attracted to you. If he does know, he may not always be able to articulate it.

Confronting him about why he asked you out and not all those other women will kill any budding relationship. So while it may be normal to wonder about motives, it's not always best to do or say something that can be interpreted as a challenge. It took some guts to ask you out in the first place. So, relax It's just coffee. If he's a nice guy, then great! You made a new friend or endured a "meh" moment with a nice guy you have no connection with. No harm done. If he's a creep...well, it was just coffee.
Click to expand...
"Relax. It's just coffee." That's what they all say :p

Next minute...

*Wahh..Wahh* , baby.

Okay, I was kidding about the baby part. - disclaimer
 
Reborn

Reborn

Senior Member
#8
Nov 16, 2014
4,087
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#8
Purchase a lie detector kit. :)

I find it speeds up the entire process when interrogating a potential girlfriend.( tedious things like getting to know each other)
You should hold off until after dinner though, its hard for them to eat with that sensor on their finger.


Actually, l think its sort of normal to wonder and question a tiny bit.
You have to know if it's worth pursuing.
 
proverbs35

proverbs35

Senior Member
#9
Nov 10, 2012
825
239
43
#9
maxwel said:
If I asked a girl out and she said, "Why?"...
that statement would answer all my questions about any possible relationship.

I would immediately cancel the offer.

"Why" is at the very top of my list of wrong answers.
: )
Click to expand...
why? Why would asking why be a deal breaker?
 
melita916

melita916

Senior Member
#10
Aug 12, 2011
10,418
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#10
cinder said:
do you want to know the reasons for their interest?
Click to expand...
honestly, yes because a guy showing interest in me rarely happens lol but i just keep it to myself.
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#11
Mar 20, 2013
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#11
I think there are non confrontational ways to ask someone why they expressed interest in you. I think this is more a "second date" thing than the initial "getting-to-know-you chat." Or, say if that initial cup of coffee (or tea) turns into a 90 minute conversation and you are really connecting, then go ahead and ask. But rather than interrogate, say something like "Now, what was it about me that made you choose me from among this sea of beautiful, single women?"I

would just caution against being too suspicious. If a relationship buds, let him buy you flowers "just because." If he thinks you are the suspicious sort and that you will think he has an ulterior motive for buying flowers, then he will never buy them but for anniversaries and other special occasions. Suspicion and insecurity can easily kill spontaneity and fun.
 
S

skylove7

Guest
#12
#12
Reborn said:
Purchase a lie detector kit. :)

I find it speeds up the entire process when interrogating a potential girlfriend.( tedious things like getting to know each other)
You should hold off until after dinner though, its hard for them to eat with that sensor on their finger.


Actually, l think its sort of normal to wonder and question a tiny bit.
You have to know if it's worth pursuing.
Click to expand...
lol...remember my friend, the Holy Spirit is cheaper than a detector test :) lol
 
C

cmarieh

Guest
#13
#13
maxwel said:
If I asked a girl out and she said, "Why?"...
that statement would answer all my questions about any possible relationship.

I would immediately cancel the offer.

"Why" is at the very top of my list of wrong answers.
: )
Click to expand...
My personal opinion on this matter is that if a man showed interest in me that I don't see anything wrong with asking why when he asked me out, although I think it should be more of a second date type of thing. The reasons why is that like myself many women see themselves settling down, getting married, and having a family and if the guy is not interested in that it is better to know that upfront than to waste a part of your life wanting something that was never going to happen and who knows what you could be missing out on if you are with the wrong person. I hope this makes more sense.
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#14
Mar 20, 2013
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#14
cmarieh said:
My personal opinion on this matter is that if a man showed interest in me that I don't see anything wrong with asking why when he asked me out, although I think it should be more of a second date type of thing. The reasons why is that like myself many women see themselves settling down, getting married, and having a family and if the guy is not interested in that it is better to know that upfront than to waste a part of your life wanting something that was never going to happen and who knows what you could be missing out on if you are with the wrong person. I hope this makes more sense.
Click to expand...
I saw the OP as asking "What is it about ME that made you ask me out (as opposed to these other available women)."

To cmarieh - Your response seems more "What are your intentions in asking me out?" This is a valid question, but a very different one from the OP. And yes, while you don't want to scare someone off who you just met by talking marriage, you do want to know if your relational goals and his match up somewhat.
 
C

cmarieh

Guest
#15
#15
I believe that I am overly analytical at almost everything because when I put myself in a friendship I put my entire heart and soul into it and it makes me vulnerable to the point where I end up getting hurt as a result. I have always had low self-esteem and this site has helped me out tremendously with that, but in the back of my head I think there is a hidden agenda when someone is showing interest in a friendship whether it is a guy or a girl. I have learned to let it go because God would not want me to do this and I know that he never disappoints. I hope I didn't hurt any feelings here because since I have joined CC you all have been genuine and I feel safe to open up about myself. I just struggle being vulnerable.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#16
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,584
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#16
CatHerder said:
If he's a creep...well, it was just coffee.
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I like the idea of "just coffee."

That way, if he does indeed turn out to be a creep, you as least have something to throw at him (or her, if a gentleman out there happens to share the company of beverages with a creep-ette.)

I may or may not have a more serious answer for this later on. (Wait... that WAS my serious answer...)
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#17
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#17
cmarieh said:
I believe that I am overly analytical at almost everything because when I put myself in a friendship I put my entire heart and soul into it and it makes me vulnerable to the point where I end up getting hurt as a result. I have always had low self-esteem and this site has helped me out tremendously with that, but in the back of my head I think there is a hidden agenda when someone is showing interest in a friendship whether it is a guy or a girl. I have learned to let it go because God would not want me to do this and I know that he never disappoints. I hope I didn't hurt any feelings here because since I have joined CC you all have been genuine and I feel safe to open up about myself. I just struggle being vulnerable.
Click to expand...
I don't see how any feeling would be hurt or anyone could be offended by anything you wrote here. It is wise to be somewhat guarded in a relationship, especially a new relationship. I see this thread (and a very good thread it is, Cinder!) as being about balancing finding out each other's motives and when it is appropriate to let our guard down a little, despite our own insecurities. We can't really be true in a relationship when we show no vulnerability. "Is this person someone who is "safe" if I let my guard down?" is really the question we want to know once we find out what sparked that initial attraction and if we want to pursue the relationship.


ETA: There's more I want to say, but have to go to work! Boo!!
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#18
Apr 18, 2013
9,324
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#18
proverbs35 said:
why? Why would asking why be a deal breaker?
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It means we aren't even on the same page.

It means we haven't even gone on the first date, and we ALREADY don't understand each other.



If someone doesn't intuitively understand you, and "get you"...
don't bother trying to start a relationship with that person.

It is guaranteed to fail.

Life is too short to waste your time.


And seriously, if a girl REALLY likes you...
she is NEVER going to ask "why" when you ask her out.
If she's "into" you, she won't be asking dumb questions, she'll be planning her clothes and makeup.


Guys, we just really make this stuff too hard.
If someone isn't into you, that's fine... just move on.
It's alright.
No big deal.
 
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H

Hellooo

Guest
#19
#19
Cinder - if anything you should point up-and-down at yourself and ask, "uh, why HAVEN'T you asked me out sooner?"
 
Roh_Chris

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
#20
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
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#20
cinder said:
So ladies (or gents) do any of you go through a similar thought process? And gents (or ladies) if the person you are interested in asked you why you were interested, how would you respond?
Click to expand...
Good question. It depends on the vibe during the conversation. Is it a buddy conversation or is he slipping in an occasional flirtive sentence here and there?

Personally, when I ping you it is because I find you as crazy as I am, so I enjoy our conversations. Plus, I think you are a good, logical friend! :)
 
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