What Happens When One's Sex Drive Is In The Driver's Seat?

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#1
Hello Singles!

It's been a typical 2 weeks in Seoulsearch's World of Online Dating. You know how it goes... a view from an 84-year-old... then a view from an 81-year-old who keeps creeping my profile without saying anything...

And then, maybe... Someone my own age? A seemingly nice guy a few years older than me wrote a very thoughtful, considerate message in which he asked several questions about some things I'd written in my profile. I'm always thankful to have anyone even READ my profile, let alone ask me about it. We exchanged messages for a few weeks (I limited my messages to about half a page, believe it or not) but this was because he would write replies of a similar length and detail.

Until... he asked me why I wasn't in a relationship and I told him I just hadn't met the right person or it wasn't God's timing, and that I'm more into just meeting people and if something happens along the way, great. We'd also had an interesting exchange about experiences with Asian culture, work situations, and moving. I wrote another half-page or so that talked about all these really neat things we seemed to have in common.

I was more than disappointed when his only response to everything I had written was, "Why aren't you into romance and relationships? Don't you have any kind of sex drive at all? You're still young, aren't you?" (And yes, this is on a Christian site.)

Now, with as long as I've been in the dating game, NOTHING should shock me, but somehow, some off-the-wall response always manages to sneak up on me. (I told him, "Out of everything I wrote, that's all you could think to ask me?" I asked him not to write me again and blocked him as a precaution.) And this is a man in his mid-40's. I wanted to be open-minded and compassionate, because I understand those feelings are hard to deal with, and I'm not someone who shies away from tough topics. However, the fact that he completely ignored EVERYTHING ELSE I had taken the time to write is what made up my mind that this would never go anywhere.

I understand sex is important, especially to men (and if someone says I'm stereotyping, I apologize.) But it also made me feel as if this guy saw the only purpose of seeking a relationship was because one's sex drive is in the driver's seat, leading the race. And it made me feel like nothing more than a finish line he was looking to cross.

If we're all honest, I think most people, single or not, have times when sexuality can be a struggle. But if one is honest with his or herself, is it their heart, or their sexuality that's leading them to work so hard at finding someone? And I'm NOT saying this to condemn anyone. We have all kinds of threads here asking if it's better to marry than burn with passion.

Here are some questions that were going through my head:

* If someone is looking to find someone primarily because of their sexual feelings, what's the best thing to do as far as dating?

* Should they be honest and upfront about their feelings? "I'm looking to have feelings for someone and marry them as soon as possible because my sex drive is overwhelming."

* Should they stay out of the dating game altogether until they believe God has helped them overcome it?

* Should they just go ahead and date anyway, hoping somehow that everything will work out for the best, without telling the person what's driving them most? Should they just hope that somehow through dating or finding someone, the temptations will be overcome, or that they will find someone to marry as soon as possible in order to try to meet the desire?

I would personally rather have someone tell me upfront and be honest with me, even if it makes the situation complicated.

And, I'm also writing this thread for those who are new to online dating, because these are some of the questions you might get asked. I've had similar comments made to me before, and when I try to explain my stance, sometimes the person will say something like, "Well, I'm a grown adult who doesn't run from sex. It's a part of life."

For anyone out there who is just starting out in the dating world, NO ONE has the right to expect, demand, or bully you into answering these types of questions.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I would love to hear your thoughts.
 
Apr 15, 2014
2,050
38
0
#2
Well, huh. I guess my response to those types of questions is a bit different, but maybe my perspective is different (not better, not worse, just different).

I think his question was abrupt, HORRIBLY written, and on the offensive side. That said, I would probably redirected it with a more appropriate way to ask the question, and then answered THAT question. "You asked about my sex drive, which is a private matter between God and me at this time, as I am not in a marital relationship where sexual expression is appropriate. However, I will say that I do miss romance and am looking forward to that being a part of my life again, should (re)marriage be one of the ways in which God blesses me."

Hopefully, he was torn as to how to ask if you were (appropriately) saving yourself for marriage as he is. I know that not every man or woman on the Christian dating sites feels it's necessary to wait though. I mean, I suspect that's NOT what he was asking, but I can be hopeful.

How to deal with it? I guess I'm honest. I want the whole package when/if I remarry. I want a man with God's heart, a brain, a great sense of humor, etc, and... well... do I have to say it? I mean, it's on the back burner, but it still simmers. Attraction in that area is natural, but I want to be attracted to the whole man.

I'm sure I'm digging myself a huge hole here. Perhaps I should shut up.
 
C

Cruisyazz

Guest
#3
I would maybe operate on the cautious side of online dating if I where you, even Christian ones. Sure there are genuine like yourself on there but honestly i think most guys will have sex as a main agender online. If not sex be cautious of the scam artists that will seduce you into giving money or something like that, for any reason!
You seem nice so don't lower your standards to accept anything less. Find a nice, shy type of guy is my 2 cents.
 

Shannon50

Senior Member
May 9, 2015
184
2
18
#4
This girl did a social experiment once, where she put a pic of her best friend, who is a model up on a dating site (not a Christian one). She made up a fake profile, and put things in it purposely displaying herself as racist, a gold digger, selfish, and self-seeking. She had over 100 responses from men in one day. She blogged her conversations with these men, and she would say horrible, nasty things, but the men didn't care. All they cared about was that she was beautiful and they might get some.

I don't paint all men with the same brush, but since my ex husband was a part of many online dating sites (and also ones that you could meet ppl for the purpose of sex only) then I am wary. One of the reasons why, even on this site, I don't have a picture of myself. I'd like for ppl to like me for me, not what I look like.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,358
113
#5
Hello Singles!

Until... he asked me why I wasn't in a relationship and I told him I just hadn't met the right person or it wasn't God's timing, and that I'm more into just meeting people and if something happens along the way, great. We'd also had an interesting exchange about experiences with Asian culture, work situations, and moving. I wrote another half-page or so that talked about all these really neat things we seemed to have in common.

I was more than disappointed when his only response to everything I had written was, "Why aren't you into romance and relationships? Don't you have any kind of sex drive at all? You're still young, aren't you?" (And yes, this is on a Christian site.)

Now, with as long as I've been in the dating game, NOTHING should shock me, but somehow, some off-the-wall response always manages to sneak up on me. (I told him, "Out of everything I wrote, that's all you could think to ask me?" I asked him not to write me again and blocked him as a precaution.) And this is a man in his mid-40's. I wanted to be open-minded and compassionate, because I understand those feelings are hard to deal with, and I'm not someone who shies away from tough topics. However, the fact that he completely ignored EVERYTHING ELSE I had taken the time to write is what made up my mind that this would never go anywhere.

I understand sex is important, especially to men (and if someone says I'm stereotyping, I apologize.) But it also made me feel as if this guy saw the only purpose of seeking a relationship was because one's sex drive is in the driver's seat, leading the race. And it made me feel like nothing more than a finish line he was looking to cross.

If we're all honest, I think most people, single or not, have times when sexuality can be a struggle. But if one is honest with his or herself, is it their heart, or their sexuality that's leading them to work so hard at finding someone? And I'm NOT saying this to condemn anyone. We have all kinds of threads here asking if it's better to marry than burn with passion.

Here are some questions that were going through my head:

* If someone is looking to find someone primarily because of their sexual feelings, what's the best thing to do as far as dating?

* Should they be honest and upfront about their feelings? "I'm looking to have feelings for someone and marry them as soon as possible because my sex drive is overwhelming."

* Should they stay out of the dating game altogether until they believe God has helped them overcome it?

* Should they just go ahead and date anyway, hoping somehow that everything will work out for the best, without telling the person what's driving them most? Should they just hope that somehow through dating or finding someone, the temptations will be overcome, or that they will find someone to marry as soon as possible in order to try to meet the desire?

I would personally rather have someone tell me upfront and be honest with me, even if it makes the situation complicated.

And, I'm also writing this thread for those who are new to online dating, because these are some of the questions you might get asked. I've had similar comments made to me before, and when I try to explain my stance, sometimes the person will say something like, "Well, I'm a grown adult who doesn't run from sex. It's a part of life."

For anyone out there who is just starting out in the dating world, NO ONE has the right to expect, demand, or bully you into answering these types of questions.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I would love to hear your thoughts.
You sure know how to tell the stories that make me want to avoid getting started in online dating seoul. But you also always manage to turn your experiences into thought provoking topics.

Seems like the real question here is how do we handle our sex drive in a Godly way while in pursuit of romance and relationships. Certainly it seems completely foolish to wait to pursue relationships until we don't really care about having sex that much (is that even a reasonably attainable goal). Disregarding God's design and commands is even more foolish.

I read a book that greatly influenced my thinking by framing the whole idea of sexualitiy and sexual expression in terms of value. Ultimately, I think most of us want to feel valued; we don't want to feel used or like we're just a means to an end. So if someone's struggles cause them to see others primarily in terms of getting their own sexual desires fulfilled, then they have no business pursing relationships. But if those same desires cause someone to want to get to know how incredible another person is and to get close to them and become a part of their life, and as that process happens the desire for physical intimacy grows, well isn't that kind of how it was designed to work? Isn't that what is supposed to happen? Regardless of all those teenage purity talks that left us with the impression that if we were really godly we wouldn't want sex until we were married.

And an important part of this whole value this is to respect and value another person's standards. I value honesty hugely and though it would be insanely awkward, I think I would prefer a guy I was dating to be up front about such struggles with me, but I'd want him to talk about it in a way that showed respect and honor. Abandon me in the middle of a date because you aren't sure you can maintain your self control, tell me up front and it will be awkward but we can probably get past it and I'll respect you more. Tell me you're tired of me being such prude or running from sex, or pretty much anything that makes it sound like I'm the problem, and the relationship will be over pretty quick.

So yeah the point in just one sentence: if you value sex more than you value the person, you've got it wrong and you shouldn't be dating.

And as always, these opinions are backed by absolutely 0 real life dating experience. But that's never stopped me from having an opinion.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#6
I'm not a good person to ask this question, as I have pretty much ignored everything related to the topic. I drifted through high school without really connecting with any of my peers (mostly because I have a habit of taking cues from those older than I, and my peers' main interests were all things my elders didn't deem important) and I never really made a serious effort to form a close romantic relationship with anyone.

Can it be in the driver's seat when the car isn't going anywhere? Car's not out of gas, just don't have a destination. And if I did have a destination, I don't think it would be driving.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#7
In answer to the question I would say be careful or otherwise you may end up in a collision.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#8
Hi everyone, thank you so much for responding and I hope everyone will continue to do so. You've all had some really great, thought-provoking responses that I appreciate very much.

I've been part of the dating world for a long time... Since I was about 29, and I'm 41 now. In that time I've been part of several online dating services as well as one "real-life" matchmaking company, as well as blind dates, "come along with us because you might meet someone" dates, singles mixers at churches... Let's just say I've had a few experiences.

Which also teaches me when to bail and when to hold out. I actually had thought of trying to redirect the conversation as Olerica suggested, and I agree with her, but there were other telltale warning signs, such as sending me several messages, sometimes a couple times day, and ignoring other things I wrote as well because he would write things such as, "I'd love to hear the sound of your voice," and "I'd love to see you in person."

Which could be fine but not after it's only been a few days. It's also important to me that a person responds to what I'm saying, because if they're not "listening" to my words, I have a hard time believing they would listen to me in person as well.

Cinder, I love that you brought up the point that waiting to date until one has NO interest in sex at all until they can date--I personally feel too that this is unrealistic and unfair. However, there also has to be a way to go about it without making dates feel like potential sexual thirst quenchers.

Several years ago I met a guy on a Christian dating site and we were good friends for about a year and a half. We had long phone conversations and had a lot in common, such as growing up in similar families and churches. It never became romantic and we never even met in person. But because we had invested so much time in email and talking, we eventually started talking about some really personal things.

He told me at one point that being alone with a woman was a real temptation for him. We had planned to meet at one point and he clearly stated that if we were to spend time together, it absolutely must be in a public place in order for him to feel comfortable with keeping his thoughts and actions at bay. I was really touched by his raw honesty and the length he'd go to in order to keep both me, and himself, out of a "danger zone."

We never did get to meet in person (there was about a 4-hour distance) and eventually lost touch, but I'll always remember his honesty and will always admire him for it.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#9
P.S. Again, I don't write these things to scare anyone (sorry if I do! :eek:)

But the reason I write out about them is because I'd like to think it helps prepare others, especially our younger friends here, for what they might encounter, and the fact that they have every right to stand up for themselves in such situations.
 

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#10
Sex is important, and we all have urges. Trust me, though, if lust is ruling your life...Get out now.

You in a prison dawg, and you don't even realize it...because you like it. Gotta wake up one day, though...

[video=youtube;YVi0kEJT6rQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVi0kEJT6rQ[/video]


These aren't idle words either. I'm praying I finally fell so far and hard, that I was able to crawl face down to the feet of Jesus, and that by Him, (God help me, please) I've finally been able to leave that prison...of my own making, and sin's design.
 
Last edited:
Nov 25, 2014
942
44
0
#11
* If someone is looking to find someone primarily because of their sexual feelings, what's the best thing to do as far as dating?

* Should they be honest and upfront about their feelings? "I'm looking to have feelings for someone and marry them as soon as possible because my sex drive is overwhelming."

* Should they stay out of the dating game altogether until they believe God has helped them overcome it?

* Should they just go ahead and date anyway, hoping somehow that everything will work out for the best, without telling the person what's driving them most? Should they just hope that somehow through dating or finding someone, the temptations will be overcome, or that they will find someone to marry as soon as possible in order to try to meet the desire?
If someone is dating as an attempt to seek a sexual partner, they're not really reflecting God's value of humankind. They're basically seeing other humans as a kind of consumer product. Plus, they're obviously highly focused on their own needs instead of being servant-hearted. It's this underlying utilitarian philosophy of humanity--people are only good if they are useful to me in some way.

If someone is overwhelmed by their sex drive, they pretty much have two choices: Just go out and have sex already, or learn to self-regulate. Self-control is part of the Fruit of the Holy Spirit. I think if someone is truly seeking after God and wanting to live a God-centered life, they'd throw themselves on the mercy of God and ask for the Holy Spirit to stir up their self-control.

I'm not sure it's wise for anyone to be dating if they view other humans as products to meet their needs. Even if no sexual intercourse happens, they're still cutting a swathe of sin that's going to hurt other people and diminish their own humanity.

Unfortunately, a goodly number of people don't engage much with self-reflection and so will date (and probably marry) anyway. Their underlying philosophy of "humans as product" will be continually challenged as they build (or, likely fail to build) a relationship with their spouse. Once their sexual needs are met, they'll move on to other ways that their spouse should prove to be useful. They'll also have to confront this idea as they raise children. Hopefully, they'll come to realize the underlying error in their thinking. Otherwise, they'll be another person with a stilted marriage, or they'll end up divorced, and they'll alienate their children.

Honestly, the pragmatic part of me just wants to say, "If you want sex that badly go and have it already." What's the point of having a sense of spiritual superiority about remaining chaste if you're going to view other humans as products? In some ways, going out and having a lot of sex would be more in keeping with their ACTUAL values as opposed to their stated values.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#12
You know - just because he asked that question doesn't necessary mean he's trying to get in your pants. He might be genuinely concerned about it, and also an idiot.

Honestly there not that many things that you can get in a spouse you can't get in a couple of close friends and a walk with Christ. Sometimes, it's a lot easier with friends because you don't live along side them.

Sex is a terrible reason to get married, but it ought to rank among the top five good reasons or the person getting married is looking for someone to complete them rather than to compliment who they already are as a person.

Abstinent guy who has Matthew 5:28 on his mind at least once or twice a day weighing in.

Seriously, I can think of a few big reasons why I want marriage:
- Someone to come home to and hold at night
- Someone to pray with
- Someone to be vulnerable with
- Someone to have children with
- Someone to fantasize about at least 5 times a day, and probably have sex with (just not necessarily every night)



Some of us are terrified of marrying a frigid girl, we're just smart enough not to mention it pretty much.... ever. It would really suck if sex wasn't in the picture inside of my marriage.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#13
I totally get where you're coming from, Servant, and I had thought about that too. I've had close guy friends who have asked me questions over the years that would give most Christians hives (one of my guy friends asked me once if, because I'm a "smaller girl"--short--does that mean I'd have to be with, ahem, a much smaller guy--let's not get graphic--because of it?) He meant it as a genuine question.

I won't post my answer because it's obviously a super personal question and was just between him and I, answered on the basis of a long-time friendship with someone I trusted and respected.

I'm not meaning to sound like someone who flies off the handle every time sex is mentioned at all. If anyone wants to get some practice having raw conversations about the most personal subjects, write to inmates for an extended amount of time. I guarantee some will try to test each and every boundary. But a few have very genuine questions.

The reason I decided as I did in this case is because after exchanging several messages in which I shared a lot of things about my life, interests, etc., he would often not even acknowledge what I said and would go back to the the kinds of issues I'm asking about in this thread. Over the years, having someone completely ignore my attempts and conversation about normal things--getting to know each other BEFORE really personal subjects surface--is a personal turn-off. Why bother telling myself about the person if his biggest concern right off the bat is my sex drive?

I DO understand what you're saying about Christian guys being afraid of marrying frigid women--I've heard that a lot. I've also heard Christian guys say they want to marry a woman outside the church because "church women" are so pious that they have an image of Godly women agreeing to only "purified" sex with enough restrictions to outnumber the 10 Commandments.

On the flipside, I for one worry about marrying a guy who is only interested in his own needs in that area and doesn't realize that women are very different--what works for one might not appeal a all to another--and, this may be only my opinion, it takes a bit more time and effort (aka, listening to what she's really telling you about herself) in order to catch her interest.

A man who pays attention to what I say and listens to who I am, and shares his own thoughts about my concerns as well? All I can say is, I've always loved extended road trips. :) (I was married once. I have a good idea of who am I and who I am not in that particular area of life.)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#14
P.S. I think what I'm trying to say, Servant, is that once a solid, trusted friendship is established, there pretty much isn't any topic or question I won't attempt to answer if it's a genuine question and out of mutual respect.

However, I'm not very keen on anyone who wants to cut out "building a solid, trustworthy friendship" FIRST and just tries to ask all the ridiculously personal questions right away.

I have no problems AT ALL talking about personal subjects. But as you said, men are afraid of MARRYING a frigid woman. Likewise, I would think, asking about the level of one's sex drive should be reserved for if two people are TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE or at least headed in a serious direction, not after meeting on the internet and exchanging messages for a week or two. Maybe I'm just stuffy and old-fashioned--some have certainly told me that over the years.

However, as I said, it can also be someone whom I trust and has taken the time to build a real friendship with me--if we get to that level, he can pretty much ask me any question he wants.

Just my personal opinion though.
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#15
P.S. I think what I'm trying to say, Servant, is that once a solid, trusted friendship is established, there pretty much isn't any topic or question I won't attempt to answer if it's a genuine question and out of mutual respect.

However, I'm not very keen on anyone who wants to cut out "building a solid, trustworthy friendship" FIRST and just tries to ask all the ridiculously personal questions right away.

I have no problems AT ALL talking about personal subjects. But as you said, men are afraid of MARRYING a frigid woman. Likewise, I would think, asking about the level of one's sex drive should be reserved for if two people are TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE or at least headed in a serious direction, not after meeting on the internet and exchanging messages for a week or two. Maybe I'm just stuffy and old-fashioned--some have certainly told me that over the years.

However, as I said, it can also be someone whom I trust and has taken the time to build a real friendship with me--if we get to that level, he can pretty much ask me any question he wants.

Just my personal opinion though.
I've never asked a woman what her sex drive is like.... ever. I usually make it abundantly clear that she's not going to get anywhere near mine and she'd better not even try or it's going to be a short relationship.

I do ask all kinds of doctrinal questions pretty quickly, and I figure out what she wants very quickly. Probative personal questions... I play those by ear.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,860
9,579
113
#17
my sex drive is in the driver's seat..it drove away years ago and never came back..lol.. :)
 

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#18
If your partner's sex drive is in the driver's seat, then sabotage the drive!
 
S

ServantStrike

Guest
#19
If your partner's sex drive is in the driver's seat, then sabotage the drive!
Is this a manual transmission or an automatic? You do realize with an automatic transmission that's a pretty expensive repair.
 

Roh_Chris

Senior Member
Jun 15, 2014
4,728
58
48
#20
Is this a manual transmission or an automatic? You do realize with an automatic transmission that's a pretty expensive repair.
Pull up the hand brake. Then open the door and bolt for your life.