I've given up, need advice or prayer

[XD005]

Hello guys. I'm really going through a tough time. I'm sure some of you may remember my posts about my ex girlfriend. If you haven't, in a nutshell, it ended badly cause I couldn't make peace with her past, emotionally. Well fast forward, 2 years, and it's still an issue. I've learned that I need to stick to my guns though and not settle. But I'm just so extremely depressed, I've met many great young women since then but none of them really make me feel like my ex did, and the ones who came close were not virgins. I'm starting to become a little worried that I won't meet someone who's waited for me. Sometimes I even long for my ex. I dunno sometimes I feel so lonely that I don't feel I have any reason to live, like if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't contest it.
Does not help that I don't have a social life or any friends to hang out with, really. I dunno, I need help guys. Sorry if this wrong.section

 

[bowharp]

Social aspects:

- Join a church with home groups, that does fellowship and bible studies
- Find something you are interested and join that club
- Look around your circle, get in touch with those you call family and 'friends'.
- Try social sites like meet up.
- Get involve in servicing the church, you'll meet people..e.g. ushering

Those are just what I can thing of for now. I am sure there's many ways.

Remember being friends is a 'two-way street', you need to invest.

Don't forget about Jesus, He's not just your Lord but your best buddy. So talk to Him also.

 

[cinder]

Giving up on thinking that finding a romantic partner will somehow be the cure for loneliness would be a good idea. Sounds like you need to figure out how to feel more connected with people in general. Hanging around here and typing out my opinions has helped me do that some, and I've made a few good friends in the process. So find ways (volunteer, post in singles forum, join a club or sports team or class or whatever, etc) to connect with people. It alleviates the loneliness quite a bit. About the worst thing you can do at this point will be to isolate yourself more. That always increases my negative thinking.

As far as wanting someone who has waited for you: as a 32 year old virgin, I can tell you that 10-15 years ago I thought a lot like you, probably wouldn't have given a guy who hadn't waited a second look. But now, well I think it a bit unrealistic of an expectation. If I meet a wonderful godly man that I really like, finding out that he hasn't always waited for his wife won't be an automatic deal breaker. If he has waited, well that's icing on the cake and an extra blessing. His current attitude about such things and the lessons he has learned from his past, ultimately the man he is now and is working to become, will be more important than the man he used to be.

Secondly, I've learned to move on from the thinking that makes waiting some kind of bargain. If your commitment to wait is based on "I'm waiting for my spouse so my spouse will wait for me," at some point you will get discouraged by the sheer number of people who haven't and aren't waiting. If you haven't found a deeper motivation to wait, there's a high likelihood you will abandon your own commitment to wait when that discouragement hits. So I encourage you to learn to wait for yourself: because you want to honor God and yourself, as a way of affirming your own value and that giving the ultimate gift of yourself to someone is worthy of a lifelong commitment, as a way of guarding all of your relationships and your future marriage.

And one more word of encouragement, there are a lot of us around here who are committed to waiting for marriage. Some have always waited and some have renewed their commitment to wait, but this is a great place to find people who are like minded when you start to feel like you are the only one who values waiting.

 

[mochi]

what is her past?? not virgin?? is she regret and will wait until marriage to do that??? or not??
if she isnt regret and her life/attitude not showing about Christianity then you should let her go..
if she is best of the best, regret and could wait patiently until marriage, etc etc.. hmmm well, it happened!! you both already part.. focus on other thing.. you never know that one day you both will meet again (maybe not)..

For now, set your heart and mind freely and move on.. realize that there is no turning back.. i remember some quotes: the pain of letting go is less than the pain of missing your destiny
hth.. (or makes you more confused.. lol)
i will pray for you

 

[Lynx]

That first line of cinder's post is it right there.

"Giving up on thinking that finding a romantic partner will somehow be the cure for loneliness would be a good idea."

Yeah, that.

Yes yes yes I KNOW all kinds of people and all kinds of movies tell you that your primary objective in life is to find a spouse. They're wrong. Find out what your real first goal in life is and your life will make a lot more sense.

 

[Blooming_Violet]

Thanks Mochi I needed that quote.

XD ...when I was younger I felt like you do. I thought that love would pass me by. It made me susceptible to an evil man whom I married. Because of my faith I stayed married for 19 years praying always while enduring evil. God finally granted my freedom.

I have learned it is better to be single than wishing you were.

The depression you are experiencing is anger turned inward. Turn your eyes to God. He has a fabulous plan. Trust Him. It's when we try to fix things on our own that misfortune happens. Just like Sarah giving her husband a wife because she did not trust God to give her a child.

Do an inventory on what makes you happy. Do those things and expand on them. Happy people attract others.

Hang in there. Trust your gut. It's usually correct.

 

[Roseanna]

What you need is to change your focus point. You cannot live to make someone else happy, nor can someone make you happy. Happiness comes within. You are only 22, you have a lot of offer the world. In my darkest time, I chose to do volunteer work at the seniors center. It helped me to take the focus off of myself and I realized that there is always someone that is worse off than I am. Think of a way that you can reach out and help someone. Maybe there is a young child that needs a mentor such as a brother that you can reach out to. (such as the big brother's association, or whatever they have in your area)

 

[mitchiko]

Hi.. You and your ex must had a great time together. But there are things that are not meant to be. Maybe God put her in your life to prepare you for the right woman. I'm sure there are thinhs you've learn in that relationship. You have to learn to let go of your past because that is the only way for you to have a great future. When God ask you to surrender your past (your memories with your ex) it is because He has prepared someone (ur future wife) much better for you. She may be the opposite of your ex but definitely the best one for you. Give yourself the chance o know other woman and don't compare your ex with them because tendency is you will not like her. Don't also try to find the character of ur ex to any woman u meet..try to look deeper and find what makes her a great woman.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

You have not given up. That much is self evident.

If you were to die tomorrow, you couldn't contest it.

Some changes come, whether you want them to or not, without any intervention on your end. Other changes are ones you have to initialize. If you don't have a social life, and if you want one: strive towards developing one. If you haven't met "the one," keep praying and continue talking to different women.

Don't surround yourself with yourself.

I'm keeping you in prayers, XD005. I've been in a low place lately as well and I think I have a sense of what you're feeling. Time in the gutter is rough, but you can make things better.

 

[ServantStrike]

Hello guys. I'm really going through a tough time. I'm sure some of you may remember my posts about my ex girlfriend. If you haven't, in a nutshell, it ended badly cause I couldn't make peace with her past, emotionally. Well fast forward, 2 years, and it's still an issue. I've learned that I need to stick to my guns though and not settle. But I'm just so extremely depressed, I've met many great young women since then but none of them really make me feel like my ex did, and the ones who came close were not virgins. I'm starting to become a little worried that I won't meet someone who's waited for me. Sometimes I even long for my ex. I dunno sometimes I feel so lonely that I don't feel I have any reason to live, like if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't contest it.
Does not help that I don't have a social life or any friends to hang out with, really. I dunno, I need help guys. Sorry if this wrong.section

I'll pray for you, and please don't take your own life, you are worth more than that. You aren't the first one who cursed the day he was born over not finding a woman, nor will you be the last.

I've been broken so much that I know what I'm talking about here - far too much to even list. You need to be strong on your own, or a relationship is going to be too one sided. This isn't a criticism, it's just a friendly pointer. If you fix what's broken inside, you will be stronger, and it will be easier to find a woman, and if you do find one, it will be a lot more fun for both of you.

If you don't have any friends, you're setting yourself up for failure in a relationship. You need friends who you aren't romantically involved with to talk to when you get frustrated (which does happen from time to time in a relationship). Frankly you need some Christians in your life so they can help keep you from getting shipwrecked along the way. You could find an abstinent woman who is a "Christian" who can still destroy you utterly from the inside out - you need other Christians to help you avoid getting dashed upon the rocks.


You're quite young, you should be fine if you wait a while, and you can probably get fixed up a lot faster than it took me - no that I had a choice.


I'm also concerned with your preoccupation with a woman's virginity. It's kind of creepy, and I was abstinent before I was saved. It's important, but you're judging entire human beings based upon one sin that you've probably committed, just not physically with a woman.

 

[XD005]

@ServantStrike
Without going into excessive detail, I have actually managed to stay a virgin.
And it is indeed something I've struggled with in the past, and it just is something hard for me to accept emotionally.
Been there, done that. Simple as that, its not to say that there are not a lot of great non-virgins, just something I've learned I can't deal with.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice you guys, I'm picking up a second job so I don't have so much free time to think about it.
I've met a couple new Christian friends at a new church I just joined, although I don't talk to them often, its still a start I suppose. I do still worry about meeting my future wife, especially because I am rather introverted but I've also realized just how long its been since I've actually prayed for god to send me my wife. I do feel much better though about the situation.

 

[pwrnJC]

GOD bless you, brother. I too was a virgin when I got married...but most of my friends would tease me, etc. Keep in mind..the girl that you would 'deflower' is someone's sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, neice, etc. I am a licensed minister..and I have yet to perform a wedding in which the couple are NOT living together or either have children. I Did pray for GOD to show me the one special woman that was meant just for me..it worked! I fell in love with her at first sight..it took her a little while to realize it. My family moved away and we lived several states from each other right after we met.I would travel to see her and her parents would vacation nearby so that we could see each other. We will soon celebrate our 40th anniversary! Besides, you are young and there is NO pressure to marry before a certain age like it used to be a generation ago.

 

[ServantStrike]

@ServantStrike
Without going into excessive detail, I have actually managed to stay a virgin.
And it is indeed something I've struggled with in the past, and it just is something hard for me to accept emotionally.
Been there, done that. Simple as that, its not to say that there are not a lot of great non-virgins, just something I've learned I can't deal with.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice you guys, I'm picking up a second job so I don't have so much free time to think about it.
I've met a couple new Christian friends at a new church I just joined, although I don't talk to them often, its still a start I suppose. I do still worry about meeting my future wife, especially because I am rather introverted but I've also realized just how long its been since I've actually prayed for god to send me my wife. I do feel much better though about the situation.

You didn't address the main body of my post.

I don't go around saying this all of the time, but there was a point in my life that I wasn't sure I'd ever make it. Really and truly in a way that most people never have to deal with in their lives. You might do well to listen to what someone who's been knocked around a lot has to say - if you want find a strong person, look for the scars.

I know no one ever likes being told to wait, but you will be much happier if you shelf the dating concept for 3, 6, 12 months until you sort your own affairs out.

How do you expect to be the spiritual leader in a relationship if you haven't sorted your own issues first? You need to be very strong to be a leader. You never know what strength you'll need or when. Matthew 24:23

But know this, that if the master of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into.


You sound like you're looking for another human being to complete you. Human beings are fallible creatures - even the best of them will let you down some times. What you need is a network of human beings around you and a church body to call home. Then, and only then can you consider dating, and only after you're sure you're darn well ready.

For the record, when I said I was abstinent before I was saved, that means I'm a virgin too. I've never so much as had my pants off in front of a woman. I don't think that makes me a better man or a better Christian, it just means that's one of the few things God told us not to do that I haven't done. Matthew 5:28 makes it pretty clear that I still failed in that arena.

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh after a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her in his heart. It's a pretty brutal verse is it not?

 

[clee356]

that is so true about waiting, servantstrike. I wish I had waited & focused on having the right motive for wanting a relationship. Maybe if I had, my first relationship wouldn't have ended the way it did... and I've realized why people tell you to wait to date. You've gotta go into it with the attitude of "how can I love this person?" Instead of "love me, give me love!" And while I believe age doesn't define a person, it doesn't hurt to have more experience and understanding.

xd005, I felt the same way when my first relationship ended. I was convinced it was the end of the world, and the end of my world. I know how lonely it feels, and all the different thoughts that seem to come crashing down on you. But you're gonna make it. Whether you guys get back together or not, you are going to make it and you are going to be happy. Try not to make impulsive decisions due to loneliness, at those times just let out your feelings. Cry if you feel the need. But don't you think for one second that you don't deserve love. I sincerely hope you have some good people in your life who can be a shoulder for you, and I'll keep you in my prayers. Just take it one day at a time, you can do it

 

[MessengerAddis]

Well, was your ex your first before YOU met her?

And for all the other women, you were not a virgin for them either...

 

[Olerica]

Well, was your ex your first before YOU met her?

And for all the other women, you were not a virgin for them either...

Perhaps you missed it, but he is saying that he IS a virgin.

 

[MessengerAddis]

Perhaps you missed it, but he is saying that he IS a virgin.

Oh, is that what he's saying..? I'm sorry....

Well, think of it this way, according to Aristophanes in Plato's book, everyone was born with your other half cut off from you that could have made you whole...

You ex was not going through a smooth time either being separated from you before she finally met her destined other half, which was you~! And instead of comforting her for all the trials and tribulations that she went through according to God's purposes, you couldn't forgive her and make peace with her that could have made her feel so much better.

You are the lucky one that didn't have to go through all these troubles... But being a virgin should not grant you the higher moral status that you could look down on other people. Those non-virgins might be as pure as you are. They truly loved before, as you did.

 

[ChandlerFan]

I am sorry that you have felt depressed. That is difficult for sure. I do hope that you will see and experience that there is hope and that God is near to the brokenhearted.

And I don't mean to come across as harsh but I do want to shoot straight. It bothers me a great deal that you would reject someone because they are not a virgin. If a person has made that mistake in the past and they are repentant of it, they are forgiven by God. They are white as snow in His sight. If God doesn't hold her past sin against her, what makes you think that you can? I think you need to get this issue straightened out in your heart. A person's virginity or lack thereof does not make them more or less worthy of anyone's love.

What it really boils down to is that if you would reject a woman based on her not being a virgin, you don't truly understand the gospel, and that is concerning.

 

[XD005]

Thanks for the replies. I've said numerous times im coming from a purely emotional standpoint. I guess what I really need to do is surround myself with likeminded people though. It makes sense that the type of woman I desire would be likely at church, as one of you said.