The Right Thing?

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MissCris

Guest
#1
I'll try to keep this short, but...we'll see how it goes.

So, I'm currently dealing with the repercussions of a choice I recently made, a choice I felt sure was right at the time, but now I think the whole thing should have been done differently.

I have been part of two small, separate groups of friends who are all part of a larger group who enjoy the same hobby. For clarity, I'll label them groups A and B. Here's the thing: I was friends with the women in group A for longer, but was given sort of a manager/leader position in group B, despite not really knowing the other women very well. This was all fine- I spent time with both groups, everyone was getting along, it was all sunshine and daisies. However, I started noticing that any conversations I had with people in group B centered around other members of the main group. One woman in particular seemed to have all the "info" on pretty much every person there, and had no qualms sharing it. She also had a habit of embellishing the stories and expected the rest of us in group B to cut all contact with whoever she happened to be bad mouthing that day. It was all very...junior high. I got tired of it pretty fast, but I was done when she started in on my friends from group A.

I gave up the leadership position, only saying I didn't really have time anymore (which was true, just not the whole truth). I omitted the part about being uncomfortable with the constant gossip and the part about disagreeing with the one woman's treatment of people because I didn't want to start a fight, and I felt I could still help out in group B to support the other girls as long as I steered clear of the gossipers.

But then, the main instigator in group B went online and posted something untrue and damaging about my closest friend from group A, for all the members of the entire group to see...except she did it under someone else's name.

Confusion and wrongful accusations and cat fights and pettiness ensued. Feelings were hurt. Reputations were in mortal peril (ok, not quite, but it was fun to type). Anyway, I was one of the only people who knew exactly what was going on, and I thought it would be right to help if I could. So I went to my friend and told her who was actually behind the drama. I simply told her basically what I've shared here- the woman from group B enjoys gossip, tells stories, and also that she isn't trustworthy.

My friend was then able to go to this other woman and try to sort it out. Unfortunately, it turned into a nasty fight, in which my name was brought up (which was fine, I wasn't trying to be all sneaky or anything). Buuuut, thanks to this, I now have several women from group B very angry at me, and I've been called some pretty fun names, the mildest of them being 'snitch'.

I did make the effort to sit down with three ladies (not the main instigator, who is the one doing most of the name calling) and apologize to them for what they felt was a betrayal of their trust-

One woman just said Hey, don't worry about it.
One woman said Hey, I totally get why you did what you did.
The other woman said That's fine but...(and proceeded to tell me I had behaved very wrongly and immaturely, so I apologized again, to which she replied That's fine but...(more repeating of my crimes as she saw them)).

Anyway! If you're still with me...

I've alienated all of group B, and part of that is due to being bad mouthed by the one lady (possibly-probably- at least two of the women I apologized to as well).
The women in group A, including my friend, are very warm towards me, and have expressed gratitude for me having "helped", and also complimented my "strength of character" for extracting myself from such a negative situation.

And I'm over here feeling terrible because I had thought it was the right thing to do, but now I feel more like I should have either kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it altogether, or else I should have gone directly to the woman from group B and confronted her. My intent was never to go behind anyone's back, or to rat anyone out, but simply to get away from the vicious gossip and to warn a friend and give her the tool she needed to be able to defend herself against damaging lies. But I feel like...a snitch. It's all that much worse for me because I so rarely get that involved with new people or friendships, and now that I've tried, I'm regretting it.

What would have been right to do?
 

hoss2576

Senior Member
May 10, 2014
552
23
18
#2
I honestly think it is a completely mixed bag. The first and to me the most important thing you need to remember is that you can do all of the right things and still have bad results. I think about all of the different ways you could have addressed it, but it doesn't change that you are dealing with the unpredictable nature of people. There is no way to predict how people are going to react no matter how you try to address the problem.

I think it is admirable what you tried to do. I probably would have tried to approach the gossip directly, but I am unsure, even doubtful, it would have changed the outcome.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#3
I think Hoss hit the nail on the head when he said that confronting the gossip directly probably wouldn't have even changed the outcome.

I personally believe that people who gossip will continue to do so no matter how much they're confronted--it's just what they do. Some like th attention, some don't know any better, some are addicted to the power they feel from "always being in the know" about other people's lives. It's not that people can't change but for some reason, gossip seems to be a lot like smoking and drinking. People have a really, really hard time giving it up and it can be addictive. The only thing I've learned to do is remove myself from the situations whenever possible (and sometimes, church groups are the worst.)

To be honest, Cristen, I probably would have pretty much done exactly what you did. I couldn't stand to sit back and watch someone lie about one of my friends either. I can't say there would have been any better way to handle it.

I've been in similar situations and my experience was that all I could do is wait for the fallout to cloud over and see who was left standing. It totally sucks, I know. The one good thing is that when it's all over, you know who your actual friends are. I'm sorry you're going through this and I can't say there was a right or wrong way to handle it--we're here for you and will do our best to be your long-distance support.

P.S. If I were there I'd take you out for coffee and try to bribe you into being MY friend instead!! :p (I'm thinking that you just might agree to it in the middle of a caffeinated haze.)
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,358
113
#4
You've done all you can do (and probably handled it better than I would have). If people want to be vicious gossipy jerks, there isn't a lot you can do except avoid them and warn others.

Me? If someone viscously lied about one of my friends publicly and I knew who it was and that they had that kind of character, I would have called them out on it just as publicly in the same venue. Actually, if I'd had the authority with some kind of leadership position (not sure what authority you actually had), I would have confronted the main instigator long ago and let her know that if she was going to continue to lie about people then she would no longer be welcome in our group. Of course some people would still have gotten mad at you, but that's because people are selfish and want to have things their way not because you were doing something wrong.
 

Shannon50

Senior Member
May 9, 2015
184
2
18
#5
Well... There are two ways that people go about feeling better about themselves-- bragging themselves up or putting another down. Either way, there is an ego that's trying to be protected here. I'd like to say that I would confront the gossip head on, but it depends on how comfortable I was in group B. Sometimes peer pressure wins, at least for awhile.

The good thing is though, you are not in Junior High. For you, this issue can be over, understanding what you do about this person's personality. Still, protect your heart and the relationships you care about. Take a step back from this person, at least for awhile. I think of this Bible verse, :Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." Matt 7:6
 
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MissCris

Guest
#6
Thank you guys, I feel a lot better after reading your replies. I just kept kicking myself for not doing it differently, so it's good to know it probably wouldn't have made a huge difference. It's so frustrating that one of the few times in my life I put myself out there to make friends, this happens. But, on the bright side, I Do still have the awesome women in the other group. Hopefully there won't be any more issues. If there are, I'm liable to give up and become a hermit (kidding. Sort of).

Anyway, y'all have really helped :)
 

gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
48
#7
cris, i agree with much has been shared.

you were in a difficult situation. and further, while i don't believe in "throwing away" friends (well, doing it less than extreme examples), i do believe in limiting my time with people who are as childish, vindictive and plainly trouble-making as the woman who was so out of line.

there is a ton of scripture that relates to "bad company corrupts morals" and i think it's something to be considered. you can't fix what a rebellious heart leads to, either.

i don't think you did anything wrong. though, as cinder said, i wouldn't have felt the need to defend outing sin.

plus, it sounds like God might be toughening you up. or preparing you for the future. : D

i'm glad you shared this. : )