Is there a divorce time limit?

[hoss2576]

I have been reading a lot lately about people who were wanting divorces, and I began to wonder something based on them.

Is there a time limit on using adultery as a reason for a biblical divorce?

Let me explain. Picture a couple who get married and their first years are rocky and during the first three years, the husband has an affair. The couple works through it though, goes to counseling, the marriage continues and improves. Six years later, the wife is feeling burdened by the marriage, doesn't feel supported by her husband emotionally anymore, and feels under constant tension. She now wants a divorce, not because of the affair years earlier, but due to all of the current issues she is having within the marriage.

I think (really don't know) by the letter of the law, so to speak, she has biblical grounds for divorce. However, is getting a divorce now reconciled with the spirit of the Bible?



(I realize we're all singles, but I am not about to start a thread in the Bible Argument Forum)

 

[tourist]

You raise an interesting point. I would say that as long as the affair is a source of pain and anxiety divorce would be acceptable. The spirit of the law reflects the intent of the letter of the law.

 

[gypsygirl]

i have wondered that too. my sort of random thoughts on the topic, organized as best as time allows. : )

i believe this is one of those times where you have to really check your spirit and heart, more than waving the letter of the law.

while there may be grounds for divorce "legal" on technicality, i think that the bible teaches us that the spirit of the law is more important than technical obedience.

1) first question: do both parties adhere and participate in reconciliation?

i think the rebuilding after divorce requires two parties:

one who is forgiving and willing to examine ways he/she could do their part. willing to change and grow for the needs of the spouse. to fully re-invest where hurt and offense has taken place.

another spouse who is willing to do the difficult steps to rebuild trust. that means, a concerted and humbling effort to show even more transparency, communicate things that probably were never said, and put your heart and affections in a direction that might feel plain awkward or even forced. accept necessary guardrails that are designed to prevent this from happening again. i think the reconciliations usually fail become the adulterous one feels injured by the behavior prior to marriage and somewhat justified in their choice, and feels like the effort required to re-establish trust is far too humbling. it's unfair and one sided. the problem is, for all this to play out, along with sufficient distraction and time out for "events" can take a little while.

you could burn a couple years easily with two spouses who are doing their part but either not at the same time, or halfhearted. people who are more committed to their children, jobs, and interests as opposed to the work of the marital union. years of earnest effort made by one (or both) that fail for unspecified reasons, without ever achieving what was before the adultery

i could easily see how two to three years later, a spouse who was "cheated up" could say the following:

i have tried. OH how i have tried. i overlooked, forgave, and tried anew. i lost the "baby" weight, took up your hobbies and even burned my sweatpants. you tried for awhile, too. but soon, it was back to what things were like before. except now it's worse because i trust you even less than before. you never really came back. you don't tell me what you think, and you still keep too many secrets. are you cheating? probably not. but i wouldn't know whether you just learned from your mistakes and became a better cheater, or no longer care about such things, because you're not "doing it" with me. do you even love me???

you have become my roommate. and i'm now a fortysomething chick who is interesting and smart and wants a full life that you're unwilling to have with me. and i can take this hot body, education, and interesting life that i've worked oh-so-hard for and find someone who is crazy about me, wants to spend his time with. someone who he'll treat with more affection than his fantasy football league. someone who wants a God-centered marriage that fulfills intention of what fidelity and commitment both require and enjoy.

i want out. you cheated, and i tried again. but when you broke our vows, they became irretrievably lost. you can't say i didn't try. but now, i'm cashing and tapping out.

and let me just say right now, as a single woman who has never been married, writing all that stuff up there (actual stuff that i have heard first hand, not just once or twice...). oh so painful. never, ever, ever, God willing! but, i digress...

part of what i hate about the above is because it is ridiculously common (both genders have sterotypical stories) and technically it speaks to the fractured marriage from the point of when the adultery happened. i think the cheated upon spouse has the TECHNICAL freedom to leave and can present a very good case for that. but i really can't say what the spirit of the law says about those two.

at the end of the day, i still believe that two spouses who are WILLING to work towards any kind of resolution and stay in the marriage should be given the preference. i don't think we get to leave our marriage because we feel "unfulfilled". but that's my value (more than something i can biblically stand on) when adultery happened.

more points of consideration about exercising the freedom to exit the marriage regardless of time limit (or other factors):
2) you've elected to not separate and have re-established living as a couple or family. you're having sex and in a sense, re-consummating that which was broken. that becomes a point of consideration. it's one thing if you are unaware, but when you choose to re-group and soldier on, that is a choice.

OR as a result of the "re-consummating" your broken union, your family has changed. i can't exactly explain why (at this time) but i feel quite strongly that following the period of adultery and both have elected to stay in the union up to the point that child(ren) are conceived and born, things have kind of shifted. if you chose to stay. your family dynamic has re-established and grown. even if the child was unintended.

3) re-establishment of the affair, even if it hasn't been "reunited" but is clearly moving in that direction. in my opinion, anyone who has cheated with someone should be willing to agree to discontinue any/all contact with that person. even it it requires gaining a new job, or putting in rules to avoid that contact, for safety and the sake of the spouse who was cheated upon.

4) showing clear and undisputed evidence that they are establishing a new affair with someone else and abandoning the guardrails that were put in place prior to the adultery or after, in the attempt to rebuild the marriage. then, the previous cheating and pattern becomes entirely relevant.

i feel extremely inclined to point out that i've never been married, and i really don't know exactly how i would handle all these things. my strong opinions come from my complete admiration and longing for the ideals of marriage while aware of the fact that i grew up witnessing the carnage of several marriage failures and the pain (and fear, frankly) that came from the body of those experiences.

but yeah, those are my opinions with what i've seen and know. i have a lot of sympathy and compassion for those folks who have been put in such difficult positions. i have always said that because i don't believe in divorce, i wouldn't divorce a cheating spouse before i gave him ample time to repent and turn from that sin. however, i really don't know what i would do with an UNREPENTANT spouse. that is a whole different matter. i have often thought i would just separate and see what time/God reveals. but who knows. i can't really say for sure.

p.s. i want to make clear i wrote this as a woman speaking from my perspective as likely, the one "cheated upon". my decision to do so was not because i think men cheat more, or women cheat more. they both screw it up. thus, to be quite clear that none of my examples or words were intended to infer one bias over another. there has been a lot of pain felt by many christians who suffer painful marital events, and i realize that no gender has a lock on adultery, sin in marriage or depth of pain felt by spouse's choices.

edit: good gravy, this is long! if i had more time, it would be shorter. : )

 

[Lynx]

Interesting question. Basically what is the statute of limitations on infidelity?

I don't have an answer but I thought the rephrase was quite interesting.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

As always, the heart is what matters. If her reasons for wanting to divorce truly have to do with the previously broken covenant, I believe she would have grounds in God's eyes. If she was using that as a loophole to divorce for other unrelated reasons, the situation gets a lot more complicated.

 

[JackRT]

Marriage is a covenant between two loving people. When that covenant is broken even after every effort to redeem it, then it is time to sadly walk away. Ben there, done that.

 

[gypsygirl]

Marriage is a covenant between two loving people. When that covenant is broken even after every effort to redeem it, then it is time to sadly walk away. Ben there, done that.

so you don't support any kind of reconciliation? i would love to hear what others think about the obligation we have as christians to "resume" a broken marriage when the spouse who cheated is repentant and willing to participate in the necessary effort required to heal. does anyone think we're obligated to choose that effort when the opportunity is presented?

and by the way, that covenant isn't just with two. it's with God as well. : )

 

[JackRT]

so you don't support any kind of reconciliation? i would love to hear what others think about the obligation we have as christians to "resume" a broken marriage when the spouse who cheated is repentant and willing to participate in the necessary effort required to heal. does anyone think we're obligated to choose that effort when the opportunity is presented?

and by the way, that covenant isn't just with two. it's with God as well. : )

What part of "even after every effort to redeem it" di you not understand?

 

[gypsygirl]

What part of "even after every effort to redeem it" di you not understand?

sir, i did not fail to understand it. but even now, i can see think of multiple ways that statement could be construed.

but in the effort to avoid assumption and offense, it was my preference to not put words in your mouth and allow you to speak for yourself. i have found it to be a practice that has rewarded me with more peaceable interaction and avoid being on the receiving end of patronizing statements that can offend some folks. : )

 

[VioletReigns]

I have been reading a lot lately about people who were wanting divorces, and I began to wonder something based on them.

Is there a time limit on using adultery as a reason for a biblical divorce?

Let me explain. Picture a couple who get married and their first years are rocky and during the first three years, the husband has an affair. The couple works through it though, goes to counseling, the marriage continues and improves. Six years later, the wife is feeling burdened by the marriage, doesn't feel supported by her husband emotionally anymore, and feels under constant tension. She now wants a divorce, not because of the affair years earlier, but due to all of the current issues she is having within the marriage.

I think (really don't know) by the letter of the law, so to speak, she has biblical grounds for divorce. However, is getting a divorce now reconciled with the spirit of the Bible?



(I realize we're all singles, but I am not about to start a thread in the Bible Argument Forum)

I don't know... Too many times people divorce because they want to be free to find another to love them and heal their broken heart. I would suggest she separate from her husband and let the Lord search her heart and heal her before she puts an ax to the marriage.

 

[cinder]

I have been reading a lot lately about people who were wanting divorces, and I began to wonder something based on them.

Is there a time limit on using adultery as a reason for a biblical divorce?

Let me explain. Picture a couple who get married and their first years are rocky and during the first three years, the husband has an affair. The couple works through it though, goes to counseling, the marriage continues and improves. Six years later, the wife is feeling burdened by the marriage, doesn't feel supported by her husband emotionally anymore, and feels under constant tension. She now wants a divorce, not because of the affair years earlier, but due to all of the current issues she is having within the marriage.

I think (really don't know) by the letter of the law, so to speak, she has biblical grounds for divorce. However, is getting a divorce now reconciled with the spirit of the Bible?



(I realize we're all singles, but I am not about to start a thread in the Bible Argument Forum)

While this is a situation I hope I never face personally, my opinion on the matter would go something like this:

If when you found out about being cheated on and betrayed you took stock and decided that the marriage was worth fighting for and saving (and we'll have the grace to say this is a process since the initial shock of betrayal and fear of being alone could well cloud immediate judgements and decisions so it may take a person a year or more to really come to this decision), you decided to keep your vows even though your partner had broken theirs. The choice to stay in the marriage has been made and assuming no further cheating has occurred and both parties are making the effort to live out their vows, breaking that whole for better or worse until death do us part vow just because it is more difficult than you thought it would be to keep it is not justifiable. Nor is it a path to a better marriage since not dealing with those problems now, means that they would be more likely to resurface in the next marriage. Commitment means commitment and recommitment means you are just as committed, you aren't leaving yourself an out for when it gets tough.

 

[Dino246]

Hi All,
In reference to the original post (which I won't quote at length), there are a few biblical passages which speak to this. In the OT, it basically states that if a person sins, and another in relationship with them becomes aware of the sin but does not address it, the offended person may not bring it up at a later date. In the NT, there is instruction in the parables about forgiveness. It appears, as is so common, that biblical forgiveness (which incorporates putting the offense "away") was not practiced in this case. Yes, the covenant was broken, however, IMHO, the choice to end a marriage several years later cannot rightly be based on "old sin". That should have been forgiven already.

That said, every marriage is vastly complex, and I suspect that there are other hurts. No condemnation to either party, rather I hope they choose to seek the Lord's healing and strength.

Blessings,
Dino

 

[gypsygirl]

Hi All,
In reference to the original post (which I won't quote at length), there are a few biblical passages which speak to this. In the OT, it basically states that if a person sins, and another in relationship with them becomes aware of the sin but does not address it, the offended person may not bring it up at a later date. In the NT, there is instruction in the parables about forgiveness. It appears, as is so common, that biblical forgiveness (which incorporates putting the offense "away") was not practiced in this case. Yes, the covenant was broken, however, IMHO, the choice to end a marriage several years later cannot rightly be based on "old sin". That should have been forgiven already.

That said, every marriage is vastly complex, and I suspect that there are other hurts. No condemnation to either party, rather I hope they choose to seek the Lord's healing and strength.

Blessings,
Dino

dino, thanks for your reply. would you mind sharing your references? i'm less interested in vague forgiveness NT scripture because i am pretty sure what scripture you're referencing. but in your OT references, i'd love to see what you have, as well as anything else that you think is especially relevant.

thanks! ~gypsy

 

[Dino246]

Hi Gypsygirl,
My memory did not serve me well. The OT passage I was drawing from is Numbers 30. It doesn't address sin particularly, as I thought, but vows... my mistake, sorry. Clearly I must check references before writing!
Regarding the NT, I was thinking particularly of the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18.

I lived through an unpleasant prequel to marital separation, wherein my ex brought up junk from years past, for which I had long ago apologized. There had been no forgiveness, just sweeping under the rug. I have seen this kind of false forgiveness many times; it isn't healthy, and the results are usually bad. I sometimes need to remind myself that I have forgiven another person (or should!). I would apply the Numbers passage in this way: If someone confesses a sin and seeks forgiveness, and I don't directly address it but continue relationship with that person, I have functionally forgiven them, and have no right to bring it up later.

To return to the original post, the wife was not claiming that the adultery was the issue, but that the junk had built up. While I don't think there is a time limit on unconfessed or unknown sin, by extension of principle, it would seem that there is on confessed or known sin. Our role is to forgive, by God's strength, and seek His healing for the wounds caused by the sin.

Hope this helps, and that I haven't alienated anyone!

Blessings,
Dino

 

[sassylady]

For myself personally I would want to be sure everything possible has been done to keep the marriage together. I would say in the instance you posted that would not be a reason to divorce, as long as the infidelity has ceased. You can personally go through something that your spouse is not dealing with, doesn't seem it would be right to divorce because of it. It is a good time to be seeking God about what is going on. But I don't doubt that if there is damage done by the infidelity and it does not seem to be something that can be resolved, it would be better to divorce. Always pray about it first.

 

[Misty77]

There are so many contingencies on why a marriage may not end immediately after the covenant is broken, especially if they make an attempt at reconciliation. The not-cheater could be staying until some financial issues clear up or the kids get a little older. Or they may just not be healthy enough to stand up for themselves. Even after a lot of time, the cheater could prove that they aren't really repentant and continue to stir up problems.

 

[Atwood]

Yes, there is a time limit. After you die marriage is over. Just when you could actually have a
perfectly harmonious marriage (he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin) because your
indwelling sin is gone; you no longer have an old man (or vieja) around. But the marriage relationship is no longer possible.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Pope Francis said: Pope Francis says church must welcome divorced, remarried Catholics - Religion News Service

Yes, there is a time limit. After you die marriage is over. Just when you could actually have a
perfectly harmonious marriage (he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin) because your
indwelling sin is gone; you no longer have an old man (or vieja) around. But the marriage relationship is no longer possible.

 

[Kaycie]

The whole point of divorcing when your spouse is unfaithful, is because when you have sex with someone who had sex with someone else, germ wise you are having sex with them too, and whoever had sex with them, and whoever had sex with them. You shouldn't get an std when you are being faithful, but they are not. So the point is to not have sex with a cheater. But if you decide to stay, and you continue to have sex with your spouse, trusting they won't cheat again, then the purpose of divorce is gone. That's like saying you don't want sour cream in your mashed potatoes, yet knowingly eat it that way for years, just to one day say I'm not eating it because it has sour cream in it. Yep, the reason for divorce has come and gone, unless cheating is a problem again.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

The whole point of divorcing when your spouse is unfaithful, is because when you have sex with someone who had sex with someone else, germ wise you are having sex with them too, and whoever had sex with them, and whoever had sex with them. You shouldn't get an std when you are being faithful, but they are not. So the point is to not have sex with a cheater. But if you decide to stay, and you continue to have sex with your spouse, trusting they won't cheat again, then the purpose of divorce is gone. That's like saying you don't want sour cream in your mashed potatoes, yet knowingly eat it that way for years, just to one day say I'm not eating it because it has sour cream in it. Yep, the reason for divorce has come and gone, unless cheating is a problem again.

I am afraid it's sooooo much deeper than that. It's about betrayal, broken covenants, broken trust, broken hearts, physical or emotional or spiritual abandonment.

It's not about germs.

If only it were about germs. That would be simple.