Hi Jbergeron,
Welcome to CC and I hope you find friendship and comfort here.
Olerica and gypsy have already expressed much of what I wanted to say--professional help with experienced or specialized clergy or counselors would be the best initial steps you can take--but I would like to add a few more things.
I think that the bottom line, after all is said and done, is that a victim of abuse is left wondering, "Can anyone love me?" And the answer is, absolutely, yes. I know it can be very hard to accept. Many of us here have been through varying forms of abuse and I know the Supreme Christian answer is that God Loves You, and of course He does, but for me, that was never a comfort, because God loves even our abusers, and I have never found any comfort in that.
I always have this picture in my mind of God wrapping His arms around the abusive person and telling him or her, "I love you, my precious child!!! You are perfect in my eyes!" in just the very same manner as what He would say to me, and I am still in the process of accepting that.
Now, before all the Bible Discussion Militants completely condemn what I have to say, understand that I am NOT trying to undermine God's love at all. Sometimes, all we will find in this life is God's love.
But I do want to give victims of abuse the hope that sometimes we are also able to find human love as well. I want to emphasize that it may not be in the form of romance or marriage, but please don't think it is impossible for others to love you.
One of the most pervasive questions I'm sure a person in your situation asks if whether they can be accepted, let alone loved. I've been in dating situations with 3 guys in the past (at very different times in my life) who told me about their past sexual abuse. One I was engaged to, and we broke up for other reasons that had no direct ties with what happened to him. The second guy had several other things going on in his life and became addicted to several substances, which was the main reason for our breakup.
The third had a history very much like what you describe. He grew up in two different households and so during the week, he was physically abused by a woman (to the point of needing stitches but he was too scared to tell the truth when the doctors asked him about it) and on the weekends, was put into the hands of an male adult who combined both physical and sexual abuse of every kind, including involving his adult male friends. I also once knew a guy whose father was a drug addict and so he would sell his own children's bodies as a way of fueling his habits. I have also known plenty of others within the church, including a beloved pastor, who have gone through what you describe, all throughout their childhoods, sometimes at the hands of other ministers.
I say this not to undermine your post in any way, but to let you know that you are not alone. So many think that such things only happened to them, and that certainly isn't true. Unfortunately, it seems to happen all too commonly.
In some of these last situations I just mentioned, hardcore drugs, alcohol, and addictions to unconventional sex (including forcing sex on other people) became the coping mechanisms of choice. Now, I am in NO way, shape, or form saying that abuse victims will become addicts or will abuse others. Others I've known have also coped by becoming workaholics and/or immensely successful, but the pain behind what occurred in the past is still their driving force.
I have deeply loved and cared for many people who have gone through such terrible abuses. A romantic relationship was not the not the best choice in some situations, but it did not stop me from caring about and loving them.
Obviously, events such as this have the capacity to open the door to a myriad of destructive forces in our lives, and it is very important to seek help while we can to hopefully reverse and prevent any further damage. If cost is a concern, I would spend some time looking up online resources that can point you to low-cost or even free programs run by people who are familiar with helping someone who's been through as much as you have. As Olerica said, we are not qualified to provide the role of healers in your life, but we can certainly be a support network and do our best to encourage, pray for, and support you along the way.
Thank you for being brave enough to post here. I know you're not the only one who's going through this and others will appreciate that you were willing to share, and more importantly, ask for help.
