Should I go after this girl?

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ToBeWithHim

Guest
#1
Coming from Hong Kong in 1997 and becoming a christian in 2009. My goal to going to church is always be with God. My previous experience in another church has taught me a lesson, never creep someone up and lost my chance. And here is the link to my previous problem. If anyone care to read them

http://christianchat.com/christian-...-girls-same-time-consequences.html#post917742


Anyways, i have been attending the new church for quite a while now, and before i sat my foot to this new church i tell myself that i will NEVER repeat the same mistake that i have made in my previous church. Therefore, whenever I approached a girl, i would simply focus on their weakness instead of their positive side, and because no girl is perfect and there must be something wrong with everyone of them. When I did that, i find my interest to peruse that particular girl vanishes. The cons for using this strategy is that it made me bitter and sad because i only focus on their negatives I can see nothing good out of any females.

I think I am a bit more matured now (Age 30), and I think that I have more idea on what i want in my life now. I think its time to abolish such stupid rules and then just try to be myself. There is one girl that I really would like to peruse. First of all, I set up a racism rule not to go after any Chinese because i am racist against them. (Not true at all, l just make this lie to reject girls before they reject me), so if I go after this girl i would have no justification to be "racist" against Chinese. Secondly, she is absolutely beautiful, not just beautiful but also very cheerful. She is that kind of person that makes me want to know more about her. I think I would have done the same if she happens to be a man, just without the relationship part. Thirdly, she is around my age while make her a perfect wife for me (once again i will abolished my age rule, which i want girls from 17-18 years old . Not true at all, I just want to reject any girls before they even have the chance to reject me). I have reject girls for varies reasons, such as wrinkles, their voice, their age, their habit. Every single flaws (just lies, not really true at all) gave me a reason to say no. I really would like to abandon rules just so i can peruse this relationship with her. Frankly, I would like to abolish my own rule simply because sometimes the lies has become real, and sometimes i do feel the hate toward some Chinese girl, and that is not healthy. The rule needs to go regardless.

Here comes the problem though. I design such moronic rule is to protect myself and the girls. If I open up myself to go after this girl, and this girl reject me again. I might go ahead and isolate myself even further, which is something i do't want to do. I have been praying to God about this but so far no answer whether i should proceed or not. I felt like a gamble, a dangerous gamble to make. Not quite sure what to do.

Here comes another problem. I am ugly, very ugly. So ugly I cannot face myself in the mirror. FACT. My friends and family told me that I do not look ugly at all. Frankly I do not believe in them, not to say they are lying but rather I think they are just saying it to make me feel better. Because if i am not ugly, how come I am still single at age 30? I know in God everyone is beautiful. Even Jesus wasn't that good looking, but yet he has a lot of followers. However, Jesus doesn't need to have a relationship with a woman, of course he can look average.

Anyways, thanks for reading and may God bless you!
 
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Sadkitty

Senior Member
Jun 11, 2015
111
3
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#2
Trust God and just be yourself. If God has a woman out there for you then it will happen. Just relax. As for you being ugly. Beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder. Also you being single, I'm sure, has nothing to do with your looks. Especially with the type of woman you want in your life. Gbu.
 
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gypsygirl

Senior Member
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
60
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#3
*blinks*

um, i don't think your focus should be on finding a woman, or a wife. i would encourage you to focus on your relationship with God.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,359
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#4
Gotta agree with gypsygirl on this one. You sound like you don't have a very healthy self image and like you are ambivalent at best towards relationships. If you had to make your case to a girl about why she should consider dating you, what reasons would you give her? If you don't see yourself as having anything to offer someone else, it will be extremely difficult for you to have a healthy romantic relationship with a woman.

The one thing you have said that's true is that you are believing a lot of lies. So start digging into the Bible to fill your mind with truth. And yes its time to mature and get rid of all those foolish conditions you set up to keep yourself from being interested in women. And here's a principle that helped me get over some negative thinking about myself, when everyone who knows you is saying the same thing about you but you don't believe it, consider the fact that you could be the one who's got it wrong. I doubt you are really all that ugly (average looking is not ugly); just from what you've written I'm convinced that your physical appearance has very little to do with why you are single at age 30.

So what you should do: talk to your pastor or another trusted Christian adult / mentor and tell them everything you've posted here. Pray with them and be willing to be guided by their wisdom and life experience. Practice finding the good in people. And stay out of any serious romantic relationship until you feel like there's more to life than being in a romantic relationship. Or at least that's the best advice I have to give.
 
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ToBeWithHim

Guest
#5
Gotta agree with gypsygirl on this one. You sound like you don't have a very healthy self image and like you are ambivalent at best towards relationships. If you had to make your case to a girl about why she should consider dating you, what reasons would you give her? If you don't see yourself as having anything to offer someone else, it will be extremely difficult for you to have a healthy romantic relationship with a woman.

The one thing you have said that's true is that you are believing a lot of lies. So start digging into the Bible to fill your mind with truth. And yes its time to mature and get rid of all those foolish conditions you set up to keep yourself from being interested in women. And here's a principle that helped me get over some negative thinking about myself, when everyone who knows you is saying the same thing about you but you don't believe it, consider the fact that you could be the one who's got it wrong. I doubt you are really all that ugly (average looking is not ugly); just from what you've written I'm convinced that your physical appearance has very little to do with why you are single at age 30.

So what you should do: talk to your pastor or another trusted Christian adult / mentor and tell them everything you've posted here. Pray with them and be willing to be guided by their wisdom and life experience. Practice finding the good in people. And stay out of any serious romantic relationship until you feel like there's more to life than being in a romantic relationship. Or at least that's the best advice I have to give.
I know i will have to abandon those rules eventually because its just a temporary means to stop myself from going after multiple girls like i have done in previous church. Thanks for the confirmation that this is the right time to abandon such rule, regardless i am going after any woman at all. As my understanding for the bible, Satan is the father of all lies, i cannot defeat evil with evil. Only with the word of God.

I did talked to a pastor's wife before, she told me i am like a flower that has yet to be open, and i need to be patient and wait for the right opportunity, that is what she have told me after she prayed with me. My cell group leader has said the same thing, but using different terms. I guess the main challenge is to wait, wait and wait. Some of my friends is already a dad. Not that i want to become a dad when i get married but that shows i am way behind schedule.
 
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ToBeWithHim

Guest
#6
Since i cannot edit my post, here is the updated version
I know i will have to abandon those rules eventually because its just a temporary means to stop myself from going after multiple girls like i have done in previous church. Thanks for the confirmation that this is the right time to abandon such rule, regardless i am going after any woman at all. As my understanding for the bible, Satan is the father of all lies, i cannot defeat evil with evil. Only with the word of God. Moreover, my church always teach us to look at people from God's point of view, so all those years i have been acting in the opposite direction against my church's teaching. So definitely will practice to find good on people instead of letting my hate roam free on my brain.

I did talked to a pastor's wife before, she told me i am like a flower that has yet to be open, and i need to be patient and wait for the right opportunity, that is what she have told me after she prayed with me. My cell group leader has said the same thing, but using different terms. I guess the main challenge is to wait, wait and wait. Some of my friends is already a dad. Not that i want to become a dad when i get married but that shows i am way behind schedule.
 

Sadkitty

Senior Member
Jun 11, 2015
111
3
18
#7
I agree with everyone else. God really should be your first priority. I use to tell myself lies to avoid heartbreak, but it really does distort your way of thinking. With any relationship there is that risk of hurt, but there is also the risk of the better outcome.That's why I said just relax and trust God. When you trust God, everything really does fall into place. :) Gbu!
 
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ToBeWithHim

Guest
#8
Thanks for the encouragement! Definitely God should be my first priority. In fact, I never really look for job myself, job always find me through varies method when i pray for it. For that alone I should be grateful.

Anyways, God bless you too!
 
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Kaycie

Guest
#9
I love how honest you are being with yourself. I know being vulnerable to someone else is scary, but you can't have love without opening up. And like you admit, making up all these rules are really guards blocking your heart from the chance of getting hurt. It's likely that she's just as scared as you are. But if you keep locking others out, no one will get in. And sometimes that's a bad thing. And you could miss out on growing old with someone who loves you, and just grow old alone. And as I always say, if you don't love, then you're dead already. Love is the only purpose of life.
 
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ToBeWithHim

Guest
#10
Gotta agree with gypsygirl on this one. You sound like you don't have a very healthy self image and like you are ambivalent at best towards relationships. If you had to make your case to a girl about why she should consider dating you, what reasons would you give her? If you don't see yourself as having anything to offer someone else, it will be extremely difficult for you to have a healthy romantic relationship with a woman.
I was planning to reply to you, but something gets in the way. Anyways, you are absolutely correct. Why should she consider dating me? There are a lot more good looking guys in church, and there are a lot of more guys who make more money than i do, and there are more guys driving a better car than i do. The only thing i can offer is that i no longer have a dead end job, and i will attend school in the near future to improve myself. Hopefully a degree soon enough so i can make a decent wage.

I love how honest you are being with yourself. I know being vulnerable to someone else is scary, but you can't have love without opening up. And like you admit, making up all these rules are really guards blocking your heart from the chance of getting hurt. It's likely that she's just as scared as you are. But if you keep locking others out, no one will get in. And sometimes that's a bad thing. And you could miss out on growing old with someone who loves you, and just grow old alone. And as I always say, if you don't love, then you're dead already. Love is the only purpose of life.
Thanks, and this is why i am abolishing my wall now.
 
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Apr 15, 2014
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#11
May I encourage you with this? A mature Christian woman isn't looking for the best looking, wealthiest, best-car-driving man. We're looking for men who have a heart for Jesus, excellent character, make us think and laugh, can be supportive of our emotions and vulnerable with their own.

Similar to what a mature Christian man should look for in a spouse... not to say that attraction isn't part of the equation.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,359
113
#12
I was planning to reply to you, but something gets in the way. Anyways, you are absolutely correct. Why should she consider dating me? There are a lot more good looking guys in church, and there are a lot of more guys who make more money than i do, and there are more guys driving a better car than i do. The only thing i can offer is that i no longer have a dead end job, and i will attend school in the near future to improve myself. Hopefully a degree soon enough so i can make a decent wage.
Truth is average looking people and below average looking people are in relationships every day. How much money you make also isn't an important factor (though how well you manage it can be). As for the car you drive, any woman worth having will care more that you aren't in debt over it than that it looks cool. But the question wasn't what are all your shortcomings, it was what reasons can you give in your favor? And while I tend to be the kind of person that would rather warn you about all my potential failures than spend time assuring you I can fulfill expectations that I know won't be a problem for me to fulfill, listing all the potential disappointments up front usually makes people think there will be nothing but problems and scares them off. Lead with your strengths not your weaknesses

So I'll put this bluntly, the shallow reasons you think you are single have nothing to do with why you are actually single. Actually they are excuses because by blaming things outside of your control, you abdicate the responsibility to change your situation. You're single because when you look at yourself you see mainly problems and failures and you are blind to your own strengths and value. I'm willing to bet you wouldn't believe a woman if she walked up to you and said she wanted to spend time with you and get to know you; you'd probably try to talk her out of it. So like several of us have said, you should work on developing a better self image (and by all means go to school and work on some practical aspects of life too) before you even think about getting into a relationship. It won't go well if you are always looking to your future girlfriend to prove to you that you are valuable and lovable.

Sorry if this feels like you're being attacked, but you have some pretty firmly entrenched lies that need to be attacked and removed. I'm over 30 and never dated either so I do understand the whole feeling like there must be something wrong with you dynamic. Happens to me sometimes too.
 
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ToBeWithHim

Guest
#13
No, why would i felt like i am being attacked. Actually thanks for the comments, i will take them very seriously
 

Agricola

Senior Member
Dec 10, 2012
2,638
88
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#14
May I encourage you with this? A mature Christian woman isn't looking for the best looking, wealthiest, best-car-driving man. We're looking for men who have a heart for Jesus, excellent character, make us think and laugh, can be supportive of our emotions and vulnerable with their own.

Similar to what a mature Christian man should look for in a spouse... not to say that attraction isn't part of the equation.
Guess I have not met any mature Christian women then, and maybe the ones God sent my way and the one he showed me would make an excellent wife were not either.
 
Apr 15, 2014
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#15
Guess I have not met any mature Christian women then, and maybe the ones God sent my way and the one he showed me would make an excellent wife were not either.
Could be. Did this woman (or women) come out and tell you that you were being rejected because of looks, wealth, car/other status symbol? Or are you presuming that the above is true because she married a man who seems to have the things you think you lack?
 
May 14, 2015
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#16
Here comes another problem. I am ugly, very ugly. So ugly I cannot face myself in the mirror. FACT. My friends and family told me that I do not look ugly at all. Frankly I do not believe in them, not to say they are lying but rather I think they are just saying it to make me feel better. Because if i am not ugly, how come I am still single at age 30? I know in God everyone is beautiful. Even Jesus wasn't that good looking, but yet he has a lot of followers. However, Jesus doesn't need to have a relationship with a woman, of course he can look average.

Anyways, thanks for reading and may God bless you!
This verse sprang to mind:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
; Proverbs 3:5

 
May 3, 2013
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#17
Ugliness is inside us, as humans... ("White Snow" movie can give us a lecture on that matter)

Beauty spurs a lot of things in male minds (also in hers) but that is not the real source of such "rejection", as you called it.

Meanwhile you get her (whomever comes and whomever she might be) -and advise I had to use just for me:

a) Build your own business, to get the money she would "need" (as your children, as well)

b) Build a house she can call her home (However, find the peace of your bodily home, 1st)

c) Learn as much as you can from whatever situation you´re in: You will help more ppl than you could possible think of.

Allow me to share this I learned (I´ll try to make it short):

Several decades I met a missionary. He thought he was ugly and he was not (except for being somewhat fat).

He changed his look, he went to a gym (loosing that fat he gained) and married a Colombian girl I wanted (but not as much as he wanted her).

What was it that he had I hadn´t?

1) Money

2) Another citizenship I lacked

3) A real motivation to be married (I was too used to be reluctant to get married... that I sinned for "free") and more important that THOSE EXCUSES I showed:

4) He honored God and served his wife well (I simply wanted to please my body and its selfish biological "reasons").

AS an old man I beg: Keep notes of YOUR own journey to be engaged and married (they will keep on teaching you what to learn)

Thanks for sharing! :eek:
 

Agricola

Senior Member
Dec 10, 2012
2,638
88
48
#18
Could be. Did this woman (or women) come out and tell you that you were being rejected because of looks, wealth, car/other status symbol? Or are you presuming that the above is true because she married a man who seems to have the things you think you lack?
NOt presuming at all, got to know one woman from a Christian chat room, not this one I hasten to add, got on well with her and we had an instant liking for each other, a couple of weeks later she told me that she was coming over from US to UK because God told her she must, she could pursue her gifts and use them here and to study, which co-incided with things I can do and love as well, not to mention my church and network would have been perfect for her.

Not being good at geography of the UK, she asked me if I lived anywhere near XXXX I said of course I do! that is only 20 mins car journey from me. found out she was staying with someone I know as well. A week later and she was off, we spent a lot of time on webcam as well, so it was exciting times.

I asked God if she was right one, numerous times I got a huge "YES!" including from other people getting that message, when I just asked them to pray about it, however when she arrived she refused to met me, I never did meet her and I was devastated.

3 weeks later she was back in the USA her ambitions and plans shattered and destroyed. She married some time ago, someone with money and good looking, typical magazine American hero guy.


Another one God showed me in vision, the vision happened exactly a couple of days later at church, I knew this was the one, I spoke to her a few times, but would she even just have a meal with me... NO. After 18 months she just stopped talking to me, stopped coming to my church removed me from Facebook etc. I still could see her profile though and she kept on how she would like a hunky man to marry. I have my suspicions that God told her that I was the one, but I did not conform to her "type" so she just exercised her free will and rejected me.

I could go on, but its all same theme here, so when people say "God has someone planned for you", yes God does, but God still allows us that free will to choose.
 
May 3, 2013
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#19
Maturity or "spiritual maturity" I overheard?

I have a friend pastoring a church and he also has a brother pastoring another church... I know his human stature and his Christina walk but, each time he regrets his sister-in-law regrets to comb or to attend the church well-dressed, I know where his mind is and -of course- spirituality is humanly linked to our bodies...

Who is willing to marry an spiritual man in a situation like this?



Who is going to marry -lighly- a lady like this?



Who will be -quickly- engaged with a person like this?



Maturity seeks for "the best" and each person thinks what the best is for each of them (selfishly).
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#20
So your catch 22 is you either isolate yourself with your rules or you isolate yourself when a women says no ─ not a great method. Your rules are not protecting you, they're protecting others from you.

Love is a gamble! People are volatile and strange and wonderful. I understand that it's a hard pill to swallow, especially if you have low self esteem, but that's how it is, and that's why it's all the more important to nurture a relationship with God - who isn't so volatile and strange.

And while this is less imperative than the rest: If you don't believe your friends and family about their remarks, you believe they're lying. A little white lie still isn't devoid of the truth. But you have to ask yourself whether you think they're lying out of kindness to you, or you think they're lying because you're insecure. Just a little food for thought.

Hoping for all the best for you!