Should I give him another chance?

[kitkat771]

Hello, I am 38 years old. I have a 17 and 15 year old. I've been divorced for 15 years. I hadn't found anyone worth introducing to my girls let alone marry. I've also been busy raising kids and working. I also homeschool. I put myself through college when the girls were little.
Anyway, I met a man 12 years older than me a year ago. He is also a Christian and one of his master's degrees in chaplain. Anyway, we met last summer as his parents live here. He is finishing up his doctorate degree in another state and teaching hs. He comes here at Christmas and summer. He will live here permanently next June.
We agreed to be friends and build on the friendship with the purpose to see if it would lead to marriage.
My problem is that he rarely called or texted when away. I really didn't plan on talking to him again, but did when he came this summer.
I've talked to him about my concerns. He acknowledges that his behavior was unacceptable and wrong. He also dated someone else for awhile. I told him we can now only be friends with no intention of more. He's not in agreement. It's really hard because I did fall for him....He doesn't know.
Did I do the right thing or should I wait and still be open to all possibilities?
I feel like he just dismissed me and I wasn't important enough to call.

 

[tourist]

Yeah, I think that the guy dissed you. He doesn't sound like a bad guy but perhaps a busy one. It seems to me that he is not sure what he wants as far as romance is concerned. Welcome to CC.

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

He may have been busy (as tourist said), but evidently not too busy to date someone else.

He put you on hold.

I'd let it go. You're not a priority for him.

 

[kitkat771]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't add that we did discuss dating others if we meet someone. He said he briefly dated her. He said the sermons at church from Andy Stanley spoke to him and he's going to do things right this time.
He said he's going to call me often and text me as he wants me.
I'm torn as I forgive him, but not sure I want to do it again. I also don't want to miss out on something great. He thinks by contacting me often he will prove to me he's serious, but not sure that matters at this point. Calling me daily doesn't mean he's not seeing others. At this point I don't want to invest time and energy into him if he's also seeing others...I agreed to that before but not now. I guess I answered my own question.

 

[violakat]

Have you told him that you don't want to date him if he's seeing other people? Also, is this the only reason you are hesitant to date him, or are there other reasons? Is it you heart, head, or gut that's telling you not to date him?

Thanks for the replies. I didn't add that we did discuss dating others if we meet someone. He said he briefly dated her. He said the sermons at church from Andy Stanley spoke to him and he's going to do things right this time.
He said he's going to call me often and text me as he wants me.
I'm torn as I forgive him, but not sure I want to do it again. I also don't want to miss out on something great. He thinks by contacting me often he will prove to me he's serious, but not sure that matters at this point. Calling me daily doesn't mean he's not seeing others. At this point I don't want to invest time and energy into him if he's also seeing others...I agreed to that before but not now. I guess I answered my own question.

 

[kitkat771]

I don't know I think fear has me wanting to walk. My husband cheated on me which lead to divorce 15 years ago.. I know this guy didn't technically cheat and he has been honest about dating. However, he told me at Christmas that I am important to him and he cares about me etc. If that was true why date? He said he wanted to be friends due to the distance.
I guess I don't see how we can determine if we are compatible for marriage if there are other people involved.
I'm not getting married again until I'm 100% sure. I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

 

[maxwel]

He may have been busy (as tourist said), but evidently not too busy to date someone else.

He put you on hold.

I'd let it go. You're not a priority for him.

Ouch.
But true.

 

[kenthomas27]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't add that we did discuss dating others if we meet someone. He said he briefly dated her. He said the sermons at church from Andy Stanley spoke to him and he's going to do things right this time.
He said he's going to call me often and text me as he wants me.
I'm torn as I forgive him, but not sure I want to do it again. I also don't want to miss out on something great. He thinks by contacting me often he will prove to me he's serious, but not sure that matters at this point. Calling me daily doesn't mean he's not seeing others. At this point I don't want to invest time and energy into him if he's also seeing others...I agreed to that before but not now. I guess I answered my own question.

I don't know kitkat! Seems like you moved the goal post a little. Ya'll did talk about being ok dating others, so when he does, you're not ok with it? You were kidding? I'm with you a hundred percent and know it's a bitter pill when you feel like you've got more invested in a relationship than the other does, but it still sounds like this relationship is pretty young and neither of you have had much physical contact - I'm just feeling like you might not be giving this thing a chance. Now, if that's fear of your being hurt or whatever, then ok. That's on you to figure out, but that can't be some back handed way to blame him for ruining the relation ship.

Concerning your past hurt - a very special friend taught me this. It's best expressed by 1 Peter 1:7 which talks about gold being refined by fire. So, trials - like a husband's betrayal - are the fire. You were thrown into that furnace and not by your own doing. Well, as it turns out Ms. Kitkat wasn't consumed by that fire because I'm writing her 15 years later, so she's got to decide - did she come out refined gold? Or did she just get burnt up.

I'll pray for your situation here, but I sure hope you give this a chance for you both. It's a heck of a hurdle maybe, but it's growth even if it's nothing else.

 

[blue_ladybug]

As another poster pointed out, he was too busy to call you, but not too busy to date other women. That right there should speak volumes to you and raise red flags.. Obviously you're NOT high on his priority list.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I'm kinda with Kenthomas on this one... it sounds like you had a very casual arrangement that included the possibility of dating others - because he wasn't living in your area at the time - and he was honest about those encounters. You were in "friend" stage at that time, as agreed to by both of you.

I don't think his behavior is cause to dismiss him. There are reasons he may have been keeping his distance. One being, as he mentioned, actual physical distance. Distance is really hard for some people when maintaining a relationship. It sounds like he was being cautious and careful. Since he's moving into the area now, there's a chance for you both to explore what the possibilities are.

Don't let your fear keep you from giving him a chance. If you were to see any hint of duplicity in him, that's another story, but he has been open and honest about his intentions given the limitations that were involved. That's my take on it based on what you have shared.

 

[violakat]

It sounds like it's mostly fear that's preventing you from being willing to date him. Have you ever sought professional counseling in regards to your ex-husband's affair? If not, you should consider it, as it sounds like it will cripple any potential relationships you might have in the future with anyone.

As for whether you should date him or not, that's up to you. If it is fear holding you back, is he worth letting go of your fears, or are your fears more important to you then him? Keep in mind, he didn't cheat on you since you were not dating. Nor did he not agree to not date anyone. Also, did you contact him much while he lived in another town, or did you expect him to do all the communicating? (Of course, if you didn't have his number, that's a different story.) Also, since you mentioned in your original post that you hadn't planned on seeing him again, what changed this time?

 

[jb]

We agreed to be friends and build on the friendship with the purpose to see if it would lead to marriage.

My problem is that he rarely called or texted when away. I really didn't plan on talking to him again, but did when he came this summer.

He also dated someone else for awhile.

I told him we can now only be friends with no intention of more.

Did I do the right thing?

Yes, I think you have done the right thing, He's unreliable for a start!

Stick to your guns and someone else who is right for you will come along. Rom 8v32, Phil 4v19

God is FAR more interested in whom you marry than you are, He'll show you whom the right person is when he appears!

Yahweh Shalom

 

[blondieindahouse]

Hello, I am 38 years old. I have a 17 and 15 year old. I've been divorced for 15 years. I hadn't found anyone worth introducing to my girls let alone marry. I've also been busy raising kids and working. I also homeschool. I put myself through college when the girls were little.
Anyway, I met a man 12 years older than me a year ago. He is also a Christian and one of his master's degrees in chaplain. Anyway, we met last summer as his parents live here. He is finishing up his doctorate degree in another state and teaching hs. He comes here at Christmas and summer. He will live here permanently next June.
We agreed to be friends and build on the friendship with the purpose to see if it would lead to marriage.
My problem is that he rarely called or texted when away. I really didn't plan on talking to him again, but did when he came this summer.
I've talked to him about my concerns. He acknowledges that his behavior was unacceptable and wrong. He also dated someone else for awhile. I told him we can now only be friends with no intention of more. He's not in agreement. It's really hard because I did fall for him....He doesn't know.
Did I do the right thing or should I wait and still be open to all possibilities?
I feel like he just dismissed me and I wasn't important enough to call.

To all things there is a season.
I think you should give him another chance. Dont hold on to what he did in past and your feelings as a result of his actions. God may not have wanted the two of you together yet. Perhaps God has put the two of you back together. Pray on it and let God lead you. Sometimes our flesh gets in the way of what God wants. Just focus on Christ and let God lead your heart.
If I were you Id keep my heart open for God has . Let this guy court you. Be honest with him about your feelings. Its not good to go on with a lie. Tell him you fell for him. Be open and honest and be in Gods will.
You said you fell for him right? It appears that you still have a thing for this man. Just let God lead your heart.
Do not lean on your own understanding or any other persons for that matter! Just imagine if this is the guy and he learned his lesson and you let him go? Like I said; God may have not wanted you to be with him earlier as he and you too were still sowing your oats.

Hang out at his church and his friends. Get a feel for what others think about his character.

Extend some grace! Men dont mature as fast as women do!
Gods grace to you

 

[blondieindahouse]

As another poster pointed out, he was too busy to call you, but not too busy to date other women. That right there should speak volumes to you and raise red flags.. Obviously you're NOT high on his priority list.

Here you are with your red flag rhetoric again. You told a sister yesterday (the doctor) that her husband PROBABLY cheated and now you are telling this gal she OBVIOUSLY isnt high on his priorities! IDK ,I sorta cringe now when I see you doling out advice. You seem to focus on the negative and not what God can do in the situation! How do you know he didnt learn a lesson with his bad actions? I try to look for what God can do if its his divine will. I find it best to focus on the positive. Im sorry if I seem brazenly truthful. I think it best to be that way. I gotta call it as I see it. Im telling you in love! I expect the same actions if I have stepped out of line!
May the Lord guide you to be an encourager and cautious with your words. Amen~
Gods grace abides

 

[MultilingualMessenger]

Hang out at his church and his friends. Get a feel for what others think about his character.

Ooo. This is actually pretty good advice. *note to self for the future*

 

[kitkat771]

Thanks for all the replies. I prayed about the situation and feel God wants me to remain his friend. I don't know why, but I knwo when I ignored what I was told it didn't work out well for me! lol I'm just maintaing a friendship with him and what comes out of that...only God knows! Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Here you are with your red flag rhetoric again. You told a sister yesterday (the doctor) that her husband PROBABLY cheated and now you are telling this gal she OBVIOUSLY isnt high on his priorities! IDK ,I sorta cringe now when I see you doling out advice. You seem to focus on the negative and not what God can do in the situation! How do you know he didnt learn a lesson with his bad actions? I try to look for what God can do if its his divine will. I find it best to focus on the positive. Im sorry if I seem brazenly truthful. I think it best to be that way. I gotta call it as I see it. Im telling you in love! I expect the same actions if I have stepped out of line!
May the Lord guide you to be an encourager and cautious with your words. Amen~
Gods grace abides

It's not rhetoric, it's truth. Even though he dated others and was busy, he still COULD have made time to keep in touch with her. The fact that he didn't speaks volumes about him. Btw, "probably" means "maybe". I did NOT say he cheated on her for sure. (referring to the doctor) I always look for what God can do in situations, but sometimes he allows relationships to fall apart for reasons only HE understands.

kitkat herself said, and I quote " I feel just like he dismissed me and wasn't important enough to call." Hence, MY statement of her NOT being up high on his priority list. I was totally justified in saying that, because she said herself that she didn't feel important to him. So OBVIOUSLY what I wrote is true.

I don't pussyfoot around and sugar-coat things on here like some others do. I tell it how I see it, and if the people who come here asking for opinions and advice can't handle what we say to them, then that's on them and not me. I believe in being blatantly honest, because sometimes being that honest with someone is the best thing for them, because we can see things that they maybe cannot, being that their so close to the situation. I think they should still remain friends, but definitely NOT lovers or spouses. I think God would prefer them to be just friends, and I'm sure He has someone in mind for each of them.

 

[kaylagrl]

Thanks for all the replies. I prayed about the situation and feel God wants me to remain his friend. I don't know why, but I knwo when I ignored what I was told it didn't work out well for me! lol I'm just maintaing a friendship with him and what comes out of that...only God knows! Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

Im not sure if you have solved your issue or not. But if you visit again well Im hearing something no one else has seemed to.I had a doctor once tell me Im a big "read between the lines" person.Now I may be way out in left field here but here goes ...You mentioned a couple times you were testing this relationship to see if marriage would follow.To me you are a little ahead of the game.You are looking at this man and judging him as husband material when you havent first seen if he can be good friend material first. Men know when a woman is wanting a deeper relationship and they back off when they are not ready. Cues are that he dated someone else and didnt call often.Also he was long distance and focusing on his work as men tend to do,focus in on one thing at a time.That was what was most pressing and important at the time.So my advice is that you need to back way off and let him pursue you. Dont call or text,let him do the leading then you will know if he is serious about wanting a long term relationship with you.Take marriage off the table and out of your mind.Start at friendship,let him make the next move.If he is half hearted,doesnt take time for you then you will know.If he makes excuses you will know.But you need to lay back,forget marriage and let him do the work.Then you will know how he feels about you and if he is trustworthy. Just my take on what you have said so far.Best of luck.