Our parents don't approve of our relationship

[nevaeh2289]

I've been seeing the son of my mums friend. Both our mums are friends and have been for a number of years. Although we have known each other for a number of years too we bare spoke and only said hello and a kiss on the cheek (cultural thing).

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]We both have a bad past I'm a divorcee with a toddler and he's an ex alcoholic and drug user (Went to a Christian rehab for 2 years and has been clean for 3 years). We've both however changed, and now focus on our Christian faith being obedient towards the Lord. We both work, have cars, I live at home with my parents and he rents a room at a relatives. [/FONT]

The past couple of months, we've been getting to know each other and we go out, spend a lot of time together and what not and both generally want to be with each but are taking as it comes, which is nice.

[FONT=Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]The problem we both have is our mums, who to be honest are both very judgemental, even though they too are Christians. I know his mum won't accept me because I have a child and my mum won't accept him because he's an ex alcoholic and drug.user. I'm 26 and he's 30 and it's so hard being the age we are and having to sneak around and tell lies. His mum saw us together at church on Sunday and mentioned to his sister in law what was going on with us and how we looked like we have known each other for years. We don't talk at church and Sunday just gone literally just smiled at each other. [/FONT]

We said that we would continue to see other because we really like each other. We also said we prayed for a spouse and that by us being together felt like God brought us together for a reason. The only problem we said is when we get too attached and grow deep feelings what are we going to do? Help Please!!

 

[maxwel]

If you both go to the same church, you should go get counseling from your pastor.

Someone who knows you both can give you much better advice than an anonymous internet forum.

 

[Willie-T]

If you both go to the same church, you should go get counseling from your pastor.

Someone who knows you both can give you much better advice than an anonymous internet forum.

Some of the best advice you will get.

 

[blue_ladybug]

umm, if you're lying and sneaking around, then OBVIOUSLY neither of you are who God intends for each other.. You won't have to lie about the one God has intended for you each. :/ As to the feelings getting stronger and what will you do, I'd say nip it in the butt NOW and leave each other alone.. This can only end one way: BADLY..

 

[nevaeh2289]

umm, if you're lying and sneaking around, then OBVIOUSLY neither of you are who God intends for each other.. You won't have to lie about the one God has intended for you each. :/ As to the feelings getting stronger and what will you do, I'd say nip it in the butt NOW and leave each other alone.. This can only end one way: BADLY..

The reason we are lying and sneaking around is because we know how our mums are like. It is also based on our culture where you are not allowed to tell of whom you are seeing, unless you are getting married to them.

 

[Jilly81]

I will say that I'm disappointed to read what each of your moms apparently has been thinking/saying about her child's friend/friend's child .

I do agree that you guys need to stop lying about being with each other. Would also be good to not see each other at all for at least a week (don't have any contact w/ each other during that time; no email or texting or anything). During this time, pray about what to do. Pray for the Holy spirit's guidance first, and spend the time seeking Jesus and His will FERVENTLY. This includes spending as much time with Him during that week as you can. Ask Him to make each of you willing to accept what He says regardless of what each of you want. If He wants you two to be together, let Him make it obvious. If He says "yes", it may not be right away. He may want you to wait until later when you've saved up enough money that you can get married and get out from under your parents' rooves so you won't have to follow their rules.

I also agree that it would probably be very wise to talk to the pastor about it, though please do not take what he says as Gospel. Pastors are often wrong, and you do get false shepards sometimes. However, the Bible mentions that there is safely in a multitude of counsel.

One more thing: if the relationship itself stops being peaceful, it's time to stop the romance. I don't think I've ever seen that philosophy not hold true in dating circumstances ...

 

[lil_christian]

Lying is still lying and it's a sin. If you're gonna be in a relationship you need to be honest. Not just to your significant other, but to those around you. Lying to them WILL NOT help your situation. In fact I'd think it'd make it worse. If you're going to be with him, claim it. Own up to it. You're 26 years old. There's no need for any of that.

 

[Miri]

The reason we are lying and sneaking around is because we know how our mums are like. It is also based on our culture where you are not allowed to tell of whom you are seeing, unless you are getting married to them.

Have never heard of such a culture in the UK, unless you are talking about the
specific culture of your church or your country of origin. Do you go to a brethren church?

My feelings are that you are both grown ups, you don't need to ask permission from
your parents to marry. As for your parents not approving because each of you has a
past - well that's kind of like them calling the kettle black. But in any case the past
is the past if you have both moved on and turned your lives around then good on you both.


I cannot understand why you feel there is a need to be sneaky about this unless there
is another reason.

Especially as you have a child (a bad decision will affect an innocent person) I think
the advice about counselling is the best, you both need to be sure of each other and
that this is a relationship with God at the centre.

 

[Olerica]

umm, if you're lying and sneaking around, then OBVIOUSLY neither of you are who God intends for each other.. You won't have to lie about the one God has intended for you each. :/ As to the feelings getting stronger and what will you do, I'd say nip it in the butt NOW and leave each other alone.. This can only end one way: BADLY..

This seems really harsh to me. (...and by-the-by, it's "nip it in the bud" as in don't let it fully flower.)

OP, as you know there will be objections, were I you, I would seek counsel with your pastor. (Excellent advice Maxwell). Yeah, I know that it's a cultural thing to not say anything till it's very serious, but I think battling the issues that are really brought up over ones you presume will be there, is a wiser course of action.

 

[Olerica]

Wanted to point this out too: not saying your man friend is a bad guy, but coming from a place of substance abuse, I would think that transparency would be very important to him as it would be to you as a mum. I think there is a reason this bothers you (and him, hopefully) .

We we all have pasts, and at 26 and 30, you really don't need you parents' approval.

 

[blue_ladybug]

This seems really harsh to me. (...and by-the-by, it's "nip it in the bud" as in don't let it fully flower.)

OP, as you know there will be objections, were I you, I would seek counsel with your pastor. (Excellent advice Maxwell). Yeah, I know that it's a cultural thing to not say anything till it's very serious, but I think battling the issues that are really brought up over ones you presume will be there, is a wiser course of action.

What's harsh about it? It's true, they need to end the romance before they develop feelings they can't handle.. Not to mention they both have baggage, she has a kid and he's an alcoholic and drug user.. And if they're sneaking around and lying, then that doesn't bode well for their credibility OR this relationship.

 

[Hellooo]

What's harsh about it? It's true, they need to end the romance before they develop feelings they can't handle.. Not to mention they both have baggage, she has a kid and he's an alcoholic and drug user.. And if they're sneaking around and lying, then that doesn't bode well for their credibility OR this relationship.

A kid isn't baggage.
Everyone's got issues, even if it isn't drugs.
You don't know them enough to say that they should throw their relationship away. As many have suggested, seeking local counsel and coming clean may help them find a clearer direction.

 

[Misty77]

I understand not being able to be honest with judgy people. You're both adults, so really it's just your business.

Now, if either of you are dependent on your parents, then your decisions DO affect them. And sometimes parents actually have good opinions that should be listened to. Ideally, they should support you if you are making wise decisions.

If your only real connection is emotional, then you should rethink this, especially with a kid involved. But if moving forward in your relationship is a WISE choice, then go ahead. It's no one else's business. You're adults, so "sneaking" or lying by omission doesn't really apply to you. Own your decisions.

 

[Olerica]

A kid isn't baggage.
Everyone's got issues, even if it isn't drugs.
You don't know them enough to say that they should throw their relationship away. As many have suggested, seeking local counsel and coming clean may help them find a clearer direction.

THIS. Thanks Hello, I don't have to type more.

 

[nevaeh2289]

Have never heard of such a culture in the UK, unless you are talking about the
specific culture of your church or your country of origin. Do you go to a brethren church?

My feelings are that you are both grown ups, you don't need to ask permission from
your parents to marry. As for your parents not approving because each of you has a
past - well that's kind of like them calling the kettle black. But in any case the past
is the past if you have both moved on and turned your lives around then good on you both.


I cannot understand why you feel there is a need to be sneaky about this unless there
is another reason.

Especially as you have a child (a bad decision will affect an innocent person) I think
the advice about counselling is the best, you both need to be sure of each other and
that this is a relationship with God at the centre.

Thank you for your advice Miri. Yes, by culture I mean country of origin. We both are from Asian backgrounds. No reason for being sneaky apart from scared of what our parents will say. We both want to prove to our parents that we have changed for the better and that we have a good future ahead of us.

 

[MissCris]

My thoughts on this...

1. Stop being sneaky and lying to your parents- I totally understand not wanting to hear a lecture from your mothers about a decision you're making as an adult, but you're both adults and need to act like it. I kind of wonder if part of the appeal of this relationship is the sneakiness itself...put it out in the open, take away that factor, and see if you still want to be together.

2. Also suggest speaking to your pastor. And prayer. And slowing down and taking a step back for clarity.

3. If you are living under your parents' roof, even as an adult, it is very important to still show respect. I'm not saying that you aren't being respectful...though you would do better to be honest with your mother...but I can imagine that this whole situation is creating tension between you and I am simply saying be careful not to let it turn into outright fights and rebellion. A romance that may or may not have a future isn't worth pushing away the person who is giving you and your child a home.

4. You have a child to think of above yourself. That doesn't mean you should never date. That doesn't even mean that you shouldn't date this particular guy. But it does mean that at this point in your life, given your situation, you have a responsibility to put God first and foremost in yours and your child's lives, and then your kid's needs above your wants. If this relationship- or rather, the tension it's causing in your home- endangers your child's welfare in any way...it needs to be set aside.

Honestly, only you and those who know you both can accurately gauge the situation- we can offer what we hope is sound advice here, but I hope you at least listen to those who say to seek counsel from your pastor.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank you for your advice Miri. Yes, by culture I mean country of origin. We both are from Asian backgrounds. No reason for being sneaky apart from scared of what our parents will say. We both want to prove to our parents that we have changed for the better and that we have a good future ahead of us.

The best way to prove to each of your parents that you have changed for the better, would be to stop lying to them. Lying is an excellent indication that someone has NOT changed their ways..

 

[hoss2576]

The best way to prove to each of your parents that you have changed for the better, would be to stop lying to them. Lying is an excellent indication that someone has NOT changed their ways..

I do find a little humor in reading your posts in this thread and am reminded of what you said in my thread yesterday about not throwing things in people's faces or "judge not, lest ye be judged."

 

[blue_ladybug]

I do find a little humor in reading your posts in this thread and am reminded of what you said in my thread yesterday about not throwing things in people's faces or "judge not, lest ye be judged."

I'm not judging them at all. Simply stating a fact. That if they want to be taken seriously by their parents then they need to stop lying and pussy-footing around.. the same advice that many here have given the OP.

 

[Miri]

Thank you for your advice Miri. Yes, by culture I mean country of origin. We both are from Asian backgrounds. No reason for being sneaky apart from scared of what our parents will say. We both want to prove to our parents that we have changed for the better and that we have a good future ahead of us.

Hi thanks for the clarification. Does, you, this person and your parents all go to a church,
are you all Christians may I ask and do you have any other family members who you both
feel accountable to.

I understand the cultural ties Asian Christians have in the UK and the difficulties.
Some of my friends are Asian Christians - all lovely people I might add.

Is there any way you can both sit down with your parents and both explain
your feelings to them.

You will need to show them that you have moved forward and that you
both are wanting to make a good life together.

Its good to hear your friend has gone through rehab and has been clean for 3 years,
that is a big thing and is a credit to him.

I think you both need to prayer about this, take an honest hard look at things
from everyone's view point.

First God's are you both born again Christians, you mention church but do not
make it clear how you both stand spiritually.

If you are both Christians and so are your parents, then maybe you can speak
to your parents and ask them to prayer about this situation with you, include them
in this, don't exclude them as it will make things worse.

You both will need to show that your child is important to both of you and
loved by both of you. I understand that sometimes this is not always the case
with step mothers/fathers in Asian communities, is that why your mum is concerned?
What about his family will they accept your child fully into the extended family. Or
would they be treated differently to any other children you might have together?

The difficulties are not insurmountable as you need to over come the cultural differences as
well as the past you both have. You both need to look honestly at things.

If this is God's plan for both of you, he will work things out for you.

God bless
x