The Nice Guy

crosstweed · Oct 9, 2015

The love of God makes people not want to hurt anyone unnecessarily... ergo, you will be loving, and as nice as you can possibly be without weakening God's message. But love also hates anything that will hurt its beloved... and if the love of God fills your heart then you feel pain when you see things that hurt God, and if you love God you have a love and concern for your fellow man, which means that you hate anything (sin) that will stand between them and their best interest and ultimate happiness... namely, a right relationship with God.

sassylady · Oct 9, 2015

The word nice is not in the Bible. But it does say to speak the truth in love.

jeremyPJ · Oct 9, 2015

Lynx said:

Basically Ayn Rand starts with the premise "There is no God, we are here as an accident of random evolution" and concludes all her arguments with, "And therefore what you do doesn't matter so you might as well be self-serving and be a total jerk to everyone." Loosely paraphrased of course. Her book is hard for even atheists to read because they agree with 96% of what she says, but usually disagree with the "be a jerk" part.

Wow...you just described my ex and most of her friends who decided I wasn't "right" for her lol...

and they were all jerks to me except her, until I started calling her out on everything. I really think she believed I'd stick around for it all. She seemed surprised when I left.

jeremyPJ · Oct 9, 2015

So...about this "nice guy" thing.

I really think we need an adequate description as to what a "nice guy" is. And what defines those who aren't, but good women see as more desirable than "nice guys". These are the qualities I want to concentrate on. I know from life that just being a nice guy can lead to a dull, boring life that goes nowhere. (not just my opinion, I've heard this from plenty of guys, and seen much mention of it on other sites). And I've lived it too.

To go to the meaning of this thread, what qualities are women truly looking for in a man. That's the real question...

Utah · Oct 9, 2015

We are instructed to be kind and gentle. That sounds like nice to me.

nw2u · Oct 9, 2015

A "nice guy" is usually not very nice. They don't do anything for themselves and are a doormat for others to walk on. By doing so, they end up becoming bitter and not nice at all. They can't love properly because they are not taking care of their own needs. Each of us has to take care of our own needs, but not to the detriment of others. That's what I can remember, anyway. The thing is, I think Jesus was the preeminent man. I think He is our model as men. I wish I could be more like him. Brave, compassionate, caring, loving, but also doing what needed done without whining, but with passion and commitment to His goal. I remember thinking all of that when I read the books. I think those books can be good, but like the one about Rand, must be read with caution, always keeping in mind what the Lord wants, not some author. I think all the best traits will line up with Jesus. I just haven't checked on it. I don't really know how.

jeremyPJ · Oct 9, 2015

nw2u said:

A "nice guy" is usually not very nice. They don't do anything for themselves and are a doormat for others to walk on. By doing so, they end up becoming bitter and not nice at all. They can't love properly because they are not taking care of their own needs. Each of us has to take care of our own needs, but not to the detriment of others. That's what I can remember, anyway. The thing is, I think Jesus was the preeminent man. I think He is our model as men. I wish I could be more like him. Brave, compassionate, caring, loving, but also doing what needed done without whining, but with passion and commitment to His goal. I remember thinking all of that when I read the books. I think those books can be good, but like the one about Rand, must be read with caution, always keeping in mind what the Lord wants, not some author. I think all the best traits will line up with Jesus. I just haven't checked on it. I don't really know how.

I believe you are spot-on correct. Thanks

jsr1221 · Oct 10, 2015

Siberian_Khatru said:

Being passive. Avoiding conflict. Putting people's needs all the time over your own. Never knowing when to say no. Just some of those things that have already been touched on.

Utah · Oct 10, 2015

nw2u said:

Your logic is illogical. You can set up boundaries for yourself and still be nice and still love others. Sometimes the answer in life is no, its that simple. Nice guys can say no as often as necessary and still be nice. God does it every day.

setapartgirl · Oct 10, 2015

Nice guy, they are the men who treats the people around him with high respect especially women.

jeremyPJ · Oct 10, 2015

setapartgirl said:

theoretically that is correct. However it's just not that clearcut in real life.

there is another element that is the difference between being treated with respect, and apparently being nice enough to lead folks to be suspicious of you because you're nice. This I've encountered many times. Leaves me thinking, What the #^@% ??

nw2u · Oct 10, 2015

Utah said:

Okay...? No problem. Nice guys can say no, but usually don't. That's the trouble with the definition. If you want to talk about it, we have to all have the same definition or we think each other is wrong and only our own opinions are correct.

maxwel · Oct 10, 2015

Utah said:

This is the way I see things.

But again, this is how I see things based on my OWN DEFINITION of what a "nice guy" means.

If we use a different definition... then I would NECESSARILY have a different point of view, and be forced to agree with someone else.

-----

We're all still debating a term that we all define differently.
So in reality, we're all debating lots of DIFFERENT TERMS... and we're not really discussing the same thing.

Maybe instead of using the term "nice guy", we could just find some term in the bible.
Then we could all be on the same page.

nw2u · Oct 10, 2015

maxwel said:

That would be good, because having boundaries is part of not being a "nice guy". I don't actually disagree with Utah, just that what I said was illogical. And, that is simply due to personal definitions and usually thinking that the traditional nice guy is the same as today's "nice guy".

maxwel · Oct 10, 2015

nw2u said:

Maybe instead of "nice guy", we could find some biblical terms instead.

There are lots of good words in the bible, and I'm not sure which is closest to "nice guy".
But if we use the bible, instead of a term from POP CULTURE, that is emotionally charged...
we're probably better off.

Here are a few quick ideas:
- virtuous
- godly
- loving
- meek
- gentle
- kind
- wise
- prudent
- discerning
- courageous
- bold
- strong

Take your pick.
There are lots of good words in the bible, describing attributes men should have.
Maybe we should use some bible terms... so we can stay on track.

VanyaHristova · Oct 10, 2015

Lord create us ,He made us different in mind,different in outside and in our views too..so that the beauty can be showed in so much things,like truly love can. Specialy for me everybody can be nice ,when he want,trust and listen God...In my opinion we have to decrate us with spiritual gifts and benefactors,but that doesnt mean that we have to stop care for our look . I know christians who are more interested in outside, than me but I cant judje them ...eventualy everybody found what he was searching (sorry for my bad english people, be blessed

)

nw2u · Oct 10, 2015

maxwel said:

Actually, none of those words is the same as "nice guy". A "nice guy" would be outwardly giving beyond his boundaries and do things that would irritate himself. He would do things for others to the point that he'd neglect his own duties or lose an opportunity that's important to him. He'd be passive aggressive because he needed to set limits or boundaries, as Utah put it.

How do you avoid doing that? Well, that's what that book is about. I'm sure the one in the op is from a religious or Christian standpoint and the one I read was from a secular standpoint. In fact "Boundaries" by, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is, I think, based on Christian values. You can look it up for yourself to verify.

That's as much as I can offer.

Utah · Oct 10, 2015

nw2u said:

It does indeed take some effort and life experience to be able to say no. I didn't say no until I was about 35, and once I did, it was liberating. I'm still a nice guy, but now I have boundaries. And I know what you mean in post 26, sometimes we can definitely feel a little inner angst when we feel we can't say no. And if this is not handled correctly, it can indeed manifest itself into a snowball of negativity.

Kaycie · Oct 11, 2015

I can see that. If a kidnapper tried to take my daughter, and I had ahold of her leg, it wouldn't be nice that I held on so tight that it hurt her, but it would be good. It would be better to take her to a hospital with a broken leg, than to never see her again, and not be able to protect her from all the evil plans he had in his mind.

chickwithsticks · Oct 11, 2015

jsr1221 said:

JSR..I have thought a lot about this post as I have definite thoughts but have hesitated to respond as I didn't want to derail your thread as I was not clear on what you were looking for. My apologies up front if I missed your point.

Everyone is is correct that there are so many different definitions of nice and good that it makes it difficult but I view and define the "nice guy" or woman as that person that often is taken advantage of due to their nature. Which is not what God has called us to do, he expects us to take up our armor and advance His kingdom. However you define it, "nice" behavior falls short as we are called to exemplify Gods grace and the commandment to love others as Christ loves the church. If we are truly seeking to live up to that commandment the rest falls into place.

The rub, again in my opinion comes into play when we lose control of our egos and our tongues. Scripture calls us to have control over our tongue as it IS a weapon. I grow tired of Christians who repeatedly show a lack of control by speaking the "truth" to someone without control. It is possible to speak the truth to someone in love and grace. Do not hide behind your commitment to being truthful after being rude, offensive, condescending, and belittling to a another child of God. You are speaking to Gods daughter or son during those conversations and character attacks or emotional battering are not in line with the commandments given to us period. Don't miss an opportunity to minister to someone out of paralysis of wanting to be "nice" either.

So the "nice" Christian guy that allows others to take advantage of them or others is not only not serving the Lord, but also hasn't grown to the level of Christian maturity we all should be striving for. The Bold Christian man is one who has a firm grasp of the scriptures and is walking in faith while serving the Lord which is evidence by his control over his grace filled actions and grace drenched words. This Bold Christian man who may be described as being "nice" is rarely taken advantage of as he clearly sets boundaries and wears the full armor of God brilliantly.

To me, these are two different men. On the same path but in very different stages of their walk with Christ.

I do not believe I answered your question at all and while composing my thoughts have realized how difficult this question is.

I apologize but I did try to give it my best effort.

The Nice Guy

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