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Thread: So here's my story...

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    Default So here's my story...

    Went out with this girl for 7 years... I had my air force career and I was waiting for her to finish college. We never had sex because we were trying to do "the right thing" and wait for marriage. We got engaged. She ends up leaving me for some other guy.

    Ever since then I have tried to move on but realized I have an issue with women who have slept with hundreds of guys. I seem less excited knowing that there has been a plethora men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.

    Anywhoo, I am now 38. No kids. No family. No wife. I have prayed over my situation and have tried to move on but it pretty much looks like it's never going to happen.

    There is no easy answer here. I must move on and accept my situation.

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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Yeah I'm 37 and still haven't found the one for me. Best thing I can tell you is to live life as it is. Whatever you have, you have. Whatever you don't have, you don't have. Life is still pretty good.

    (Not that you were asking for advice, but that works for me.)
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    Went out with this girl for 7 years... I had my air force career and I was waiting for her to finish college. We never had sex because we were trying to do "the right thing" and wait for marriage. We got engaged. She ends up leaving me for some other guy.

    Ever since then I have tried to move on but realized I have an issue with women who have slept with hundreds of guys. I seem less excited knowing that there has been a plethora men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.

    Anywhoo, I am now 38. No kids. No family. No wife. I have prayed over my situation and have tried to move on but it pretty much looks like it's never going to happen.

    There is no easy answer here. I must move on and accept my situation.
    I think you may have a deeper problem than you realize. You used one phrase that sends up red flags for me.

    Let's wait and see if anyone else noticed the same thing.
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    I guess I'm not perfect.
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    None of us are. That's one of the reasons we need to learn to do as the Bible keeps saying, and concentrate our inspection upon mainly, ourselves.
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    I guess I'm not perfect.
    Defensive statement that people use to excuse their behavior rather than deal with it. No one is perfect. If you feel you need to point that out about yourself then you are simply either having a pity party or trying to get sympathy. Usually it doesn't get you either because no one is ever talking about perfection when someone uses it.
    Perfection is our goal, though we will never reach it in these bodies. Not until we die.
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    I am not here to offer up rhetoric for the masses of amature psychology to pick apart my statements, nor will I make any attempt to filter or scrutinize my writing. (although this is everything I expected... keep up the good work.)

    Specifically, I am here for three reasons:

    1. Perhaps someone in a similar situation can offer a solution based on their own personal experiences.

    2. Get a biblical insight into my situation.. because to some extent I feel as although maybe not necessarily being "punished" per se, but 'tested' for following church instruction and keeping it in my pants for years.. which in retrospect may not have been the right thing to do.

    3. Get encouragement from the christian population that God has a plan for me although he states early on in his book that "it's not good for man to be alone."

    Although there is some therapeutic value to sharing my very unique situation, I am in general a very happy and content person and have achieved everything in life I have set out to do.. except for one thing that is kinda out of my control. And because it's out of my control I will continue to be happy and content with myself and live life to the fullest.

    Now it's your turn to attack; look for signs of weakness, a physiological explanation, a key phrase, red flags, etc. Get me to own my situation and take the blame for myself for my current situation.

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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    You may find some solice in 1 Cor 7, I won't post the scripture because I believe it should be read in context.
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    Post Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    I am not here to offer up rhetoric for the masses of amature psychology to pick apart my statements, nor will I make any attempt to filter or scrutinize my writing. (although this is everything I expected... keep up the good work.)

    Specifically, I am here for three reasons:

    1. Perhaps someone in a similar situation can offer a solution based on their own personal experiences.

    2. Get a biblical insight into my situation.. because to some extent I feel as although maybe not necessarily being "punished" per se, but 'tested' for following church instruction and keeping it in my pants for years.. which in retrospect may not have been the right thing to do.

    3. Get encouragement from the christian population that God has a plan for me although he states early on in his book that "it's not good for man to be alone."

    Although there is some therapeutic value to sharing my very unique situation, I am in general a very happy and content person and have achieved everything in life I have set out to do.. except for one thing that is kinda out of my control. And because it's out of my control I will continue to be happy and content with myself and live life to the fullest.

    Now it's your turn to attack; look for signs of weakness, a physiological explanation, a key phrase, red flags, etc. Get me to own my situation and take the blame for myself for my current situation.


    From the Bible

    “Behold, what manner of love the father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of god” (1 John 3:1).

    “I am come that they might have life, and might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).
    “These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full” (John 15:11).
    “He that toucheth you toucheth the apple of his eye” (Zechariah 2:8).
    “This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience—it looks for a way of being constructive. It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.
    “Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy. It does not keep account of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good men when truth prevails.
    “Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Phillips).
    “The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn thee” (Jeremiah 31:3).
    “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, “nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38, 39).



    Keep your wants, your joys, your sorrows, your cares, and your fears before God. You cannot burden him; you cannot weary him. He who numbers the hairs of your head is not indifferent to the wants of His children. “The Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.” James 5:11. His heart of love is touched by our sorrows and even by our utterances of them. Take to him everything that perplexes the mind. Nothing is too great for him to bear, for He holds up worlds, He rules over all the affairs of the universe. Nothing that in any way concerns our peace is too small for him to notice. There is no chapter in our experience too dark for him to read; there is no perplexity too difficult for him to unravel. No calamity can befall the least of His children, no anxiety harass the soul, no joy cheer, no sincere prayer escape the lips, of which our heavenly Father is unobservant, or in which He takes no immediate interest. “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3. The relations between God and each soul are as distinct and full as though there were not another soul upon the earth to share His watchcare, nor another soul for whom He gave His beloved Son.—Steps to Christ, 100.

    A Foretaste of Heaven

    Man was not made to dwell in solitude; he was to be a social being. Without companionship the beautiful scenes and delightful employments of Eden would have failed to yield perfect happiness. Even communion with angels could not have satisfied his desire for sympathy and companionship. There was none of the same nature to love and to be loved.
    God himself gave Adam a companion. He provided “an help meet for him”—a helper corresponding to him—one who was fitted to be his companion, and who could be one with him in love and sympathy. Eve was created from a rib taken from the side of Adam, signifying that she was not to control him as the head, nor to be trampled under his feet as an inferior, but to stand by his side as an equal, to be loved and protected by him. A part of man, bone of his bone, and flesh of his flesh, she was his second self, showing the close union and the affectionate attachment that should exist in this relation. “For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it.” Ephesians 5:29. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one.”

    God celebrated the first marriage. Thus the institution has for its originator the Creator of the universe. “Marriage is honorable”


    (Hebrews 13:4); it was one of the first gifts of God to man, and it is one of the two institutions that, after the Fall, Adam brought with him beyond the gates of Paradise. When the divine principles are recognized and obeyed in this relation, marriage is a blessing; it guards the purity and happiness of the race, it provides for man’s social needs, it elevates the physical, the intellectual, and the moral nature.
    As the Creator joined the hands of the holy pair [Adam and Eve] in wedlock, saying, A man shall “leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one” (Genesis 2:24), He enunciated for all the children of Adam.
    That which the Eternal Father Himself had pronounced good was the law of highest blessing and development for man.”


    Be Practical

    Before assuming the responsibilities involved in marriage, young men and young women should have such an experience in practical life as will prepare them for its duties and its burdens.
    Since both men and women have a part in homemaking, boys as well as girls should gain a knowledge of household duties. To make a bed and put a room in order, to wash dishes, to prepare a meal, to wash and repair his own clothing, is a training that need not make any boy less manly; it will make him happier and more useful.
    There are very many girls who have married and have families, who have but little practical knowledge of the duties devolving upon a wife and mother. They can read, and play upon an instrument of music; but they cannot cook. They cannot make good bread, which is very essential to the health of the family. They cannot cut and make garments, for they never learned how. They considered these things unessential, and in their married life they are as dependent upon some one to do these things for them as are their own little children.

    What a Young Man Should Look for in a Wife

    Let a young man seek one to stand by his side who is fitted to bear her share of life’s burdens, one whose influence will ennoble and refine him, and who will make him happy in her love.
    “A prudent wife is from the Lord.” “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” “She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.” “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.” Proverbs 19:14; 31:11, 12, 26-29; 18:22.
    Rolf was the son of a leading minister in Europe. The girl he wanted to marry was not sure if she loved him, but he was urging her to make a commitment to him.
    There were other problems that indicate she was not ready to take on the responsibilities of married life, either by temperament or by training. Ellen White asks some questions of Rolf that should be answered by every young man who plans for marriage.



    Great Grimsby, England,
    September 23, 1886
    Dear Rolf,
    While at Basel I had some conversation with Edith in regard to your attentions to her. I asked her if her mind was fully made up that she loves you well enough to link her interests with you for life. She answered that she was not fully settled upon this point. I told her that she should know just what steps she was taking; that she should give no encouragement to the attentions of any young man showing him preference unless she loved him.
    She plainly stated that she did not know as she did love you, but thought if she were engaged to you she might become acquainted with you. But as it was you both had no opportunity to become acquainted.
    I had reason to think that she disliked domestic labor, and I knew that you should have a wife that could make you a happy home. I asked her if she had any experience in those duties that make a home. She answered that she had done housework at home in her father’s family. I asked these questions because as her character had been presented to me she needed special education in practical duties of life, but had no taste or inclination for these things.


    She told me that she was not decided in anything, that you were very urgent and loved her, but she could not say that she loved you although you were very kind and attentive. Said I, “Then come to an understanding. Do not lead him on.”
    I told her she should consider the object of a marriage with you, whether by such a step you could both glorify God; whether you would be more spiritual; and whether your lives would be more useful. Marriages that are impulsive and selfishly planned generally do not result well but often turn out miserable failures.
    Now, Rolf, I cannot say that it is my business to say that you shall not marry Edith, but I will say that I have an interest in you. Here are things which should be considered: Will the one you marry bring happiness to your home? Is Edith an economist, or will she if married not only use up all her own earnings, but all of yours to gratify a vanity, a love of appearance? Are her principles correct in this direction?


    I do not think Edith knows what self-denial is. If she had the opportunity she would find ways to spend even more means than she has done. With her, selfish gratifications have never been overcome, and this natural self-indulgence has become a part of her life. She desires an easy, pleasant time.

    I must speak plainly. I know, Rolf, that should you marry her you would be mated, but not matched. There would be something wanting in the one you make your wife. And as far as Christian devotion and piety is concerned, that can never grow where so great selfishness possesses the soul.


    I will write to you, Rolf, just as I would write to my son. There is a great and noble work lying just before us, and the part we shall act in this world depends wholly upon our aims and purposes in life. We may be following impulse. You have the qualities in you to make a useful man, but if you follow inclination, this strong current of self-will will sweep you away. Place for yourself a high standard, and earnestly strive to reach it.
    Let it become the ruling purpose of your heart to grow to a complete man in Christ Jesus. In Christ you can do valiantly; without Christ you can do nothing as you should. You have a determination to carry out that which you purpose. This is not an objectionable feature in your character if all your powers are surrendered to God. Please bear this in mind, that you are not at liberty to dispose of yourself as your fancy may dictate. Christ has purchased you with a price that is infinite. You are His property, and in all your plans you must take this into account.
    Especially in your marriage relations, be careful to get one who will stand shoulder to shoulder with you in spiritual growth.
    Rolf, I want you to consider all these things. God help you to pray over this matter. Angels are watching this struggle. I leave you with this matter to consider and decide for yourself.
    Ellen G. White.
    Letter 23, 1886
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Yes.... thank you both.

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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Questions a Girl Should Ask Before Marriage


    Before giving her hand in marriage, every woman should inquire whether he with whom she is about to unite her destiny is worthy. What has been his past record? Is his life pure? Is the love which he expresses of a noble, elevated character, or is it a mere emotional fondness? Has he the traits of character that will make her happy? Can she find true peace and joy in his affection? Will she be allowed to preserve her individuality, or must her judgment and conscience be surrendered to the control of her husband? As a disciple of Christ, she is not her own; she has been bought with a price. Can she honor the Saviour’s claims as supreme? Will body and soul, thoughts and purposes, be preserved pure and holy? These questions have a vital bearing upon the well-being of every woman who enters the marriage relation.

    Let the questions be raised, Will this union help me heavenward? will it increase my love for God? and will it enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life? If these reflections present no drawback, then in the fear of God move forward.


    True love is a plant that needs culture. Let the woman who desires a peaceful, happy union, who would escape future misery and sorrow, inquire before she yields her affections, Has my lover a mother? What is the stamp of her character? Does he recognize his obligations to her? Is he mindful of her wishes and happiness? If he does not respect and honor his mother, will he manifest respect and love, kindness and attention, toward his wife? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he love me still? Will he be patient with my mistakes, or will he be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial? True affection will overlook many mistakes; love will not discern them.
    Let a young woman accept as a life companion only one who possesses pure, manly traits of character, one who is diligent, aspiring and honest, one who loves and fears God.
    This letter to Nellie looks at some of the same questions as the earlier one to Rolf. The crowd she is associating with is not good. Her special friend is irreverent, lazy, and uses foul language as well. Other habits are questionable also. Ellen White asks some very straightforward questions that might well apply to you as you read this letter.



    Norfolk Villa, Prospect St. Granville, N.S.W.,
    August 9, 1894.
    Dear Nellie,
    I am thankful to God that you love the truth, that you love Jesus, and I am anxious that you should press your way forward and upward in order that you shall reach the standard of Christian character that is revealed in the word of God. Let the word of God be your guidebook that in everything you may be molded in conduct and character according to its requirements.
    You are the Lord’s property both by creation and redemption. You may be a light in your home, and may continually exercise a saving influence in living out the truth. When the truth is in the heart its saving influence will be felt by all that are in the house. A sacred responsibility is resting upon you, and one that requires that you keep your soul pure by consecrating yourself to be wholly the Lord’s.


    Your acquaintances who are utterly averse to spiritual things, are not refined, ennobled, and elevated by the practice of the truth. They are not under the leadership of Christ, but under the black banner of the prince of darkness. To associate with those who neither fear nor love God—unless you associate with them for the purpose of winning them to Jesus—will be a detriment to your spirituality. If you cannot lift them up, their influence will tell upon you in corrupting and tainting your faith. It is right for you to treat them kindly, but not well for you to love and choose their society; for if you choose the atmosphere that surrounds their souls, you will forfeit the companionship of Jesus.
    From the light which the Lord has been pleased to give me, I warn you that you are in danger of being deceived by the enemy. You are in danger of choosing your own way and of not following the counsel of God and not walking in obedience to His will. The Holy One has given rules for the guidance of every soul so that no one need miss his way. These directions mean everything to us, for they form the standard to which every son and daughter of Adam should conform.


    You are just entering upon womanhood, and if you seek the grace of Christ, if you follow the path where Jesus leads the way, you will become more and more a true woman. You will grow in grace, become wiser by experience, and as you advance from light to a greater light you will become happier. Remember your life belongs to Jesus, and that you are not to live for yourself alone.
    Shun those who are irreverent. Shun one who is a lover of idleness; shun the one who is a scoffer of hallowed things. Avoid the society of one who uses profane language or is addicted to the use of even one glass of liquor. Listen not to the proposals of a man who has no realization of his responsibility to God. The pure truth which sanctifies the soul will give you courage to cut yourself loose from the most pleasing acquaintance whom you know does not love and fear God, and knows nothing of the principles of true righteousness. We may always bear with a friend’s infirmities and with his ignorance, but never with his vices.
    Be cautious every step that you advance; you need Jesus at every step. Your life is too precious a thing to be treated as of little worth. Calvary testifies to you of the value of your soul. Consult the word of God in order that you may know how you should use the life that has been purchased for you at infinite cost. As a child of God you are permitted to contract marriage only in the Lord. Be sure that you do not follow the imagination of your own heart, but move in the fear of God.
    If believers associate with unbelievers for the purpose of winning them to Christ, they will be witnesses for Christ, and having fulfilled their mission, will withdraw themselves in order to breathe in a pure and holy atmosphere. When in the society of unbelievers, ever remember that in character you are a representative of Jesus Christ, and let no light and trifling words, no cheap conversation be upon your lips.
    Keep in mind the value of the soul, and remember that it is your privilege and your duty to be in every possible way a laborer together with God. You are not to lower yourself to the same level as that of unbelievers, and laugh and make the same cheap speeches.






    He [Satan] is busily engaged in influencing those who are wholly unsuited to each other to unite their interests. He exults in this work, for by it he can produce more misery and hopeless woe to the human family than by exercising his skill in any other direction.
    Many marriages can only be productive of misery; and yet the minds of the youth run in this channel because Satan leads them there, making them believe that they must be married in order to be happy, when they have not the ability to control themselves or support a family. Those who are not willing to adapt themselves to each other’s disposition, so as to avoid unpleasant differences and contentions, should not take the step.
    This question of marriage should be a study instead of a matter of impulse.


    Is It True Love?

    True love is a high and holy principle, altogether different in character from that love which is awakened by impulse and which suddenly dies when severely tested.

    True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding.

    Love is a precious gift, which we receive from Jesus. Pure and holy affection is not a feeling, but a principle. Those who are actuated by true love are neither unreasonable nor blind.
    Mildness, gentleness, forbearance, long-suffering, being not easily provoked, bearing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things—these are the fruit growing upon the precious tree of love, which is of heavenly growth. This tree, if nourished, will prove to be an evergreen. Its branches will not decay, its leaves will not wither. It is immortal, eternal watered continually by the dew's of heaven.


    These quotes are from a book called "Letters To Young Lovers" by Ellen G. White...After reading these quotes...I pray that you will desire to search more deeply into what she is saying.
    If you are interested, let me know how it goes.
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    Went out with this girl for 7 years... I had my air force career and I was waiting for her to finish college. We never had sex because we were trying to do "the right thing" and wait for marriage. We got engaged. She ends up leaving me for some other guy.

    Ever since then I have tried to move on but realized I have an issue with women who have slept with hundreds of guys. I seem less excited knowing that there has been a plethora men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.

    Anywhoo, I am now 38. No kids. No family. No wife. I have prayed over my situation and have tried to move on but it pretty much looks like it's never going to happen.

    There is no easy answer here. I must move on and accept my situation.
    It may seem hard for the now, but I believe you have done prudently if it is as you say here. Even Isaac had to wait until he was 40 to marry. Hold fast in Jesus as you have done so far and I will hope good in Jesus for you.
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Hi Hand of God,

    I was wondering if, from your original post, if what you are trying to say is that you are turned off by the thought of a woman who, as stated in your first post, actually has been with "hundreds" of guys, or has any kind of sexual history at all?

    Are you saying that what the issue is for you is that you'd like to find someone who has never been with anyone? There are many people who have posted on this site who feel the same way as you do. They don't want the comparisons to others or feel that their own virginity puts them in a unique class and only want to marry someone in the same pool. That's understandable and not altogether unheard of. Kudos to you for waiting for the special person and may God be with you in your search.

    I can relate to your story in a small way. I was married and divorced by age 25. I know very well what it's like to feel left behind. Though I have been married, if God has it for me to marry again, I would definitely hope to find someone who hasn't just given himself away to anyone and everyone who was available. I understand life's temptations and can certainly be friends with most anyone, but when it comes to the seriousness of marriage, I would feel totally uneasy with the thought of marrying someone who could compare me to scores of other women.

    I do think that as we get older, it gets a lot harder if we're looking for someone with limited or no experience when it comes to personal relationships. I was raised in church and had many well-meaning people tell me or even claim to prophesy that I'd be remarried in a few years and would even have kids.

    As you can see... here I am, and I am like you in that I have no spouse and no kids (and I'm going to be 42 early next year.) Sometimes it feels like a never-ending maze of despair. I've dated but have found that things are much more complicated now with challenges such as distance, care-taking (children, grandchildren, aging parents, or all of the above!), and different places in life or careers. It's not that these things CAN'T be worked out, but for my own personal life, it just hasn't, and so, I know the feeling you're describing very well (the thought of, "I'm alone, and I have to face the reality that it looks like I will always be alone... So... what do I do now?")

    I used to be terrified at the thought of being alone (I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying that's how I used to be) but over the years, I've found a lot of peace and even happiness. Sometimes though, I admit that I feel like I'm trying to run ahead of the void so that it won't catch up to me and engulf my soul.

    I've done my best to follow all the good Christian advice and have dutifully filled the time with work, volunteer activities, ministry, classes, care-taking, and travel. There are good days and then there are more challenging times... And all I know to do is to take it day by day and set both short and long term goals in the hopes of keeping my sights set forward. Up until I was around 38 I still held on to the life I saw when I was 18--marriage and a family--but I've kind of let that notion go and am just kind of seeing where God takes me.

    I guess I'm thinking of Abraham--the Bible says God told him to get up and go but that he didn't even know where he was going, only that God was leading and he had made up his mind to follow, no matter where he wound up.

    I know that one thing that's helped me has been meeting people who are in similar places in life and are living well-rounded happy lives. Some of the people who have really inspired me and become good friends are right here on CC--and I hope you find inspiration and encouragement here as well.

    Best wishes to you!
    If it feels like you can't feel anything, are you still feeling something?


  14. #14
    Senior Member cinder's Avatar
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    Went out with this girl for 7 years... I had my air force career and I was waiting for her to finish college. We never had sex because we were trying to do "the right thing" and wait for marriage. We got engaged. She ends up leaving me for some other guy.

    Ever since then I have tried to move on but realized I have an issue with women who have slept with hundreds of guys. I seem less excited knowing that there has been a plethora men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.

    Anywhoo, I am now 38. No kids. No family. No wife. I have prayed over my situation and have tried to move on but it pretty much looks like it's never going to happen.

    There is no easy answer here. I must move on and accept my situation.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    I am not here to offer up rhetoric for the masses of amature psychology to pick apart my statements, nor will I make any attempt to filter or scrutinize my writing. (although this is everything I expected... keep up the good work.)

    Specifically, I am here for three reasons:

    1. Perhaps someone in a similar situation can offer a solution based on their own personal experiences.

    2. Get a biblical insight into my situation.. because to some extent I feel as although maybe not necessarily being "punished" per se, but 'tested' for following church instruction and keeping it in my pants for years.. which in retrospect may not have been the right thing to do.

    3. Get encouragement from the christian population that God has a plan for me although he states early on in his book that "it's not good for man to be alone."

    Although there is some therapeutic value to sharing my very unique situation, I am in general a very happy and content person and have achieved everything in life I have set out to do.. except for one thing that is kinda out of my control. And because it's out of my control I will continue to be happy and content with myself and live life to the fullest.

    Now it's your turn to attack; look for signs of weakness, a physiological explanation, a key phrase, red flags, etc. Get me to own my situation and take the blame for myself for my current situation.
    Welcome to the singles forum hand of God. If you're looking for a place where you can receive encouragement, fellowship and support while living out the challenges of being a single Christian who truly desires to follow God, you've come to the right place.

    How long ago did this engagement break up? It's important to give yourself enough time to grieve the loss of that relationship and the hopes and dreams you invested in it. A friend I have who also went through an engagement breaking up took the better part of a year to really get past it and be ready to move on. Be wise and don't let the loss or fear of it never happening make you desperate and lead you into another ill fated relationship.

    I totally understand the mentality of "I've waited all this time; I want someone who has waited as well.", but realistically, there are very few believers who are 30+ and still virgins. So you may well have to make the choice between severely limiting your options and possibly never marrying as a result, and forgiving a wonderful godly woman's sexual past. And if you can't forgive it or feel superior because you successfully waited and she didn't, don't you dare marry that woman. Such an attitude will destroy your marriage. Ultimately that's your choice, but don't blame God for not bringing you a wife if you won't even consider a woman who is not a virgin, your standards will have a lot to do with that.

    Biblically, marriage is not a requirement or a promise. It's not good for man to be alone and that's why God put woman in the world, but it doesn't mean that God wants or promises every man will get married. And you are right, it's not really something you have control over, but no woman wants to just be the checkmark on your to accomplish list next to get married.

    As to what you can do, keep living your life. Remind yourself that it is so much better and more pleasant to be single than to be in a bad relationship. Read some good Christian books that will give you a better perspective on single celibacy and choosing someone to marry ( I'd recommend Your single treasure by Rick Steadman and The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas to start with) because the whole waiting just to keep God from being mad at me or waiting so God will give me a virgin mentality will eventually not be enough to sustain a commitment to waiting. And when all else fails, we vent to the internet to get it all out and receive some encouragement (which may or may not help as there are times when it's better to just say nothing to me than to try to encourage me with crap that I've heard plenty of times before).
    When you do love a thing, its gladness is a reason for loving it, and its sadness a reason for loving it more. - GK Chesterton

    The true definition of love is sacrifice.

    Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling. - Prov 20:3

  15. #15
    Senior Member RickyZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    I am not here to offer up rhetoric for the masses of amature psychology to pick apart my statements, nor will I make any attempt to filter or scrutinize my writing. (although this is everything I expected... keep up the good work.)

    Specifically, I am here for three reasons:

    1. Perhaps someone in a similar situation can offer a solution based on their own personal experiences.

    2. Get a biblical insight into my situation.. because to some extent I feel as although maybe not necessarily being "punished" per se, but 'tested' for following church instruction and keeping it in my pants for years.. which in retrospect may not have been the right thing to do.

    3. Get encouragement from the christian population that God has a plan for me although he states early on in his book that "it's not good for man to be alone."

    Although there is some therapeutic value to sharing my very unique situation, I am in general a very happy and content person and have achieved everything in life I have set out to do.. except for one thing that is kinda out of my control. And because it's out of my control I will continue to be happy and content with myself and live life to the fullest.

    Now it's your turn to attack; look for signs of weakness, a physiological explanation, a key phrase, red flags, etc. Get me to own my situation and take the blame for myself for my current situation.
    You came here asking for comments and advice, but are only going to accept the comments and advice that tickle your ears?

    Willie is this the red flag you were mentioning?
    Demi777 likes this.

    Truth is available only to those who have the courage to question whatever they think they know.

    It's hard to learn anything when you always feel the need to be the expert.

    Mark 7:34 “Ephphatha,” that is, “Be opened.”

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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hand_Of_God View Post
    Went out with this girl for 7 years... I had my air force career and I was waiting for her to finish college. We never had sex because we were trying to do "the right thing" and wait for marriage. We got engaged. She ends up leaving me for some other guy.

    Ever since then I have tried to move on but realized I have an issue with women who have slept with hundreds of guys. I seem less excited knowing that there has been a plethora men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.

    Anywhoo, I am now 38. No kids. No family. No wife. I have prayed over my situation and have tried to move on but it pretty much looks like it's never going to happen.

    There is no easy answer here. I must move on and accept my situation.
    There seems to be some slightly exaggerated thinking here. Is a woman either untouched or she's "slept with hundreds?" What about the woman who has slept with a few? Like a woman who is divorced or widowed? Or a woman who had a bit of a past before she came to the Lord?

    Everyone is entitled to their preferences, but Hosea's wife wasn't a virgin, nor was C.S. Lewis's. If you desire for your wife to be a virgin (and certainly you can desire that), then you need to know that it's cutting the herd thin. Also, it might be useful to ask yourself if this is your requirement because you feel God is leading you in this way, or out of your own preferences. Sometimes I wonder how many singles are crying out to the Lord, "When is my time???" And all the while God keeps sending great Christian people their direction, but they're too blinded by their preferences to see this.
    RickyZ, Willie-T and biblicalsandy like this.

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    Senior Member RickyZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by PoetMary View Post
    Sometimes I wonder how many singles are crying out to the Lord, "When is my time???" And all the while God keeps sending great Christian people their direction, but they're too blinded by their desires (my edit) to see this.
    Here's an experiment for you that will prove this point... get a woman (or a man) to make a detailed list of everything they want in a mate. Go find the person who completely embodies these traits. Arrange for them to innocently 'run into each other'. My money says they won't give each other the time of day.
    violakat likes this.

    Truth is available only to those who have the courage to question whatever they think they know.

    It's hard to learn anything when you always feel the need to be the expert.

    Mark 7:34 “Ephphatha,” that is, “Be opened.”

  18. #18
    Senior Member RickyZ's Avatar
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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Boy, I AM jaded!
    tourist likes this.

    Truth is available only to those who have the courage to question whatever they think they know.

    It's hard to learn anything when you always feel the need to be the expert.

    Mark 7:34 “Ephphatha,” that is, “Be opened.”

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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by RickyZ View Post
    You came here asking for comments and advice, but are only going to accept the comments and advice that tickle your ears?

    Willie is this the red flag you were mentioning?
    No, I was seeing something a bit beyond that, I'm afraid. Something that could be a little disturbing. It was the last sentence of the second paragraph.
    I seem less excited knowing that there has been a plethora men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.
    To be honest with you, the reference to, "...men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.", would ring the ears of almost any clinical psychologist, even if they didn't have the background in abnormal sexual deviancy that I have had.

    I'm not saying this indicates any particular propensity for dangerous or destructive behavior, but it is very definitely a suggestion that the OP might want to seriously evaluate how he sees women, and the value he gives them in a relationship.

    This is the kind of comment you learn not to overlook or dismiss, even though the average person might scoff at it being no more than a simple descriptive phrase.

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    Default Re: So here's my story...

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie-T View Post
    No, I was seeing something a bit beyond that, I'm afraid. Something that could be a little disturbing. It was the last sentence of the second paragraph. To be honest with you, the reference to, "...men who have had free reign over the woman I am with.", would ring the ears of almost any clinical psychologist, even if they didn't have the background in abnormal sexual deviancy that I have had.

    I'm not saying this indicates any particular propensity for dangerous or destructive behavior, but it is very definitely a suggestion that the OP might want to seriously evaluate how he sees women, and the value he gives them in a relationship.

    This is the kind of comment you learn not to overlook or dismiss, even though the average person might scoff at it being no more than a simple descriptive phrase.
    Why is that a red flag? He is right. It's something the churches won't tell you because they will lose a significant revenue stream. Do not be moved to the left or to the right Sir Hand_Of_God. Hold fast and may a comely bride be given you. It is indeed not good for man to be alone. If it does not transpire though, fret not, for great is the reward for those that have never known the touch of a woman on the day of the first resurrection.

    1 Corinthians 6:15-16

    15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.

    16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

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