Would you date someone with debt?

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jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#41
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#41
MollyConnor said:
Hey ya'll! So I was wondering about debt and how crazy it's gotten in this country, especially. People will get credit cards and max them out just to buy extravagant Christmas gifts!

I personally don't have any debt: no credit cards, no student loans (or any loans for that matter) and I don't owe my car. I got is used when I was 24. I didn't own a car until last year.

It's just that my mom taught me to save and to never go in debt for anything if it can be avoided. I once owed my school $200 and I paid them off quickly because having debt like that freaks me out! I don't want to drown in it like some of my friends are.

I have one friend who went to a private university for nursing and she now owes $103,000 in student loans!!! She didn't even finish her degree. :eek:

Anyways, how important is a debt free loved one or a debt free marriage? Or how much is too much debt?

I know a lot of my generation has student loans. So I guess I should expect that my future partner would have some? I don't know...But I have heard that money problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. So I would definitely be hesitant with larger amounts.

So yeah...I wanted to know what everyone's opinion on these things is. For those of you who are married, is debt a huge issue for you?

If you were to find a perfect (or near perfect) girlfriend/boyfriend but they has a lot of debt...would you still give them a chance?

This is just a discussion thread...I'm not worried about it but curious about everyone's views on it! I haven't met anyone that I'm considering right now so yeah...haha just a discussion thread. Seoul is mentoring me!

Also, I can't finish without recommending the wonderful Dave Ramsey! (he's a Christian financial radio host/author)
Real Debt Help - Get out of debt with Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover Plan - daveramsey.com

TLDR: Just look at the bold parts.
Click to expand...

"Debt-free" love shouldn't matter at all. For some people, loans are the only way to pay for something (i.e., school). If you're going to make a judgement on somebody for a choice they made 5 or 10 or 20 years ago, then how much did you really care about the person to begin with?
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#42
#42
jsr1221 said:
"Debt-free" love shouldn't matter at all. For some people, loans are the only way to pay for something (i.e., school). If you're going to make a judgement on somebody for a choice they made 5 or 10 or 20 years ago, then how much did you really care about the person to begin with?
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I'm not judging, sorry if you took it that way. I was merely asking what others thought. I did say that I would give someone with loans a chance, depending on how large the loans are.

Also, would you marry a woman with a 5 year old child? What about 2 children? How about 3 children between the ages of 5-15? Wouldn't you think twice about it? I'm sure you would because children are huge responsibilities. I'm sure you wouldn't judge her, but you would think about it. It's normal. I think loans (especially the larger ones) are a huge responsibility as well and they affect both the man and the woman in a marriage.

AGAIN, not judging people with loans or people with children...just saying that they are both larger responsibilities that should be talked about before marriage and carefully considered as well.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#43
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#43
MollyConnor said:
I'm not judging, sorry if you took it that way. I was merely asking what others thought. I did say that I would give someone with loans a chance, depending on how large the loans are.

Also, would you marry a woman with a 5 year old child? What about 2 children? How about 3 children between the ages of 5-15? Wouldn't you think twice about it? I'm sure you would because children are huge responsibilities. I'm sure you wouldn't judge her, but you would think about it. It's normal. I think loans (especially the larger ones) are a huge responsibility as well and they affect both the man and the woman in a marriage.

AGAIN, not judging people with loans or people with children...just saying that they are both larger responsibilities that should be talked about before marriage and carefully considered as well.
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If a person is responsible and is paying the monthly payments on the loan, it shouldn't be a problem. If the person has payments but instead is spending their money wastefully, then that is a problem. If the mom is puts her children first and does the best she can as a single mother, then it's not a problem. If she's always out doing her thing and being wasteful, then that it is a problem, no matter how many kids. Basically, if you're being a responsible adult doing the best you can financially, then dating and potentially marriage is not a problem. Because while one person may not have children or not have any debt, that doesn't mean they're exempted from having "baggage". We all do in some way.
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#44
#44
jsr1221 said:
If a person is responsible and is paying the monthly payments on the loan, it shouldn't be a problem. If the person has payments but instead is spending their money wastefully, then that is a problem. If the mom is puts her children first and does the best she can as a single mother, then it's not a problem. If she's always out doing her thing and being wasteful, then that it is a problem, no matter how many kids. Basically, if you're being a responsible adult doing the best you can financially, then dating and potentially marriage is not a problem. Because while one person may not have children or not have any debt, that doesn't mean they're exempted from having "baggage". We all do in some way.
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Of course everyone has baggage...but some are heavier than others. I would say that having 6 kids or over $100,000 in debt is very large baggage, even if they are doing the monthly payments and/or raising their kids right. It's best to think about these things first before entering marriage.

Like me, I have a hard time being friendly (I'm very shy), I don't have a job currently, and diabetes runs in my family (I don't have it but my dad does and so did grandpa). These things are baggage. I don't mind if a future boyfriend would carefully consider these things before he marries me. It's only normal and actually healthy for the marriage to last. Don't you think?

That's all I was saying, no need to feel judged...I'm sorry if you thought that, Jsr1221.
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#45
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#45
MollyConnor said:
Of course everyone has baggage...but some are heavier than others. I would say that having 6 kids or over $100,000 in debt is very large baggage, even if they are doing the monthly payments and/or raising their kids right. It's best to think about these things first before entering marriage.

Like me, I have a hard time being friendly (I'm very shy), I don't have a job currently, and diabetes runs in my family (I don't have it but my dad does and so did grandpa). These things are baggage. I don't mind if a future boyfriend would carefully consider these things before he marries me. It's only normal and actually healthy for the marriage to last. Don't you think?

That's all I was saying, no need to feel judged...I'm sorry if you thought that, Jsr1221.
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If I met a girl and there was a connection between us and over time developed feelings for each other, while it turns out she didn't have a job and diabetes ran in the family... I wouldn't care at all. If you love each other and both have Christ first and use Him for all things, then why is it a problem? Isn't love supposed to cast out all?
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#46
#46
jsr1221 said:
If I met a girl and there was a connection between us and over time developed feelings for each other, while it turns out she didn't have a job and diabetes ran in the family... I wouldn't care at all. If you love each other and both have Christ first and use Him for all things, then why is it a problem? Isn't love supposed to cast out all?
Click to expand...
I don't know, I've never been in love.
 
Addison

Addison

Senior Member
#47
Jun 28, 2014
1,028
46
0
54
#47
I thought the American way was to go bankrupt. :confused:
 
B

blondieindahouse

Banned
#48
Jun 23, 2015
1,990
37
0
#48
MollyConnor said:
Hey ya'll! So I was wondering about debt and how crazy it's gotten in this country, especially. People will get credit cards and max them out just to buy extravagant Christmas gifts!

I personally don't have any debt: no credit cards, no student loans (or any loans for that matter) and I don't owe my car. I got is used when I was 24. I didn't own a car until last year.

It's just that my mom taught me to save and to never go in debt for anything if it can be avoided. I once owed my school $200 and I paid them off quickly because having debt like that freaks me out! I don't want to drown in it like some of my friends are.

I have one friend who went to a private university for nursing and she now owes $103,000 in student loans!!! She didn't even finish her degree. :eek:

Anyways, how important is a debt free loved one or a debt free marriage? Or how much is too much debt?

I know a lot of my generation has student loans. So I guess I should expect that my future partner would have some? I don't know...But I have heard that money problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. So I would definitely be hesitant with larger amounts.

So yeah...I wanted to know what everyone's opinion on these things is. For those of you who are married, is debt a huge issue for you?

If you were to find a perfect (or near perfect) girlfriend/boyfriend but they has a lot of debt...would you still give them a chance?

This is just a discussion thread...I'm not worried about it but curious about everyone's views on it! I haven't met anyone that I'm considering right now so yeah...haha just a discussion thread. Seoul is mentoring me!

Also, I can't finish without recommending the wonderful Dave Ramsey! (he's a Christian financial radio host/author)
Real Debt Help - Get out of debt with Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover Plan - daveramsey.com

TLDR: Just look at the bold parts.
Click to expand...
The only way to establish credit worthiness (which is what this country is run on btw) is to have a credit card and use it wisely. You cannot put faith in someone who has not demonstrated that they are worthy of that faith ie credit right? Credit is an invaluable tool. How does one buy a house with a low interest rate without good credit?
I am debt free as well. But, having no credit cards is not a wise idea. We live in a country based on credit.
 
wisebeardman

wisebeardman

Banned
#49
Mar 22, 2013
4,718
124
63
Indiana
#49
blondieindahouse said:
The only way to establish credit worthiness (which is what this country is run on btw) is to have a credit card and use it wisely. You cannot put faith in someone who has not demonstrated that they are worthy of that faith ie credit right? Credit is an invaluable tool. How does one buy a house with a low interest rate without good credit?
I am debt free as well. But, having no credit cards is not a wise idea. We live in a country based on credit.
Click to expand...
again credit is bunk, its a scam, this is a nation current based on a scam financial base. the USD is really worthless has been for over a century the minute private bankers (the private federal reserve) got control of the currency. Jefferson warned of this, people forgot, and the last president to go against the private bankers was shot in the head in Texas
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#50
Aug 13, 2014
24,907
8,162
113
#50
jsr I feel you are somewhat lambasting Molly. She has mentioned a valid point that many should consider when forming a relationship and you... well, I hesitate to use the word "attack" but you have three times strongly questioned her right to even ask such a question.

Is there something in the past that triggered this? Just curious, and you don't have any obligation to answer.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#51
Aug 13, 2014
24,907
8,162
113
#51
About a woman with children, I would consider it a great opportunity. Observing children is a marvelous way to gain insight on how the parents think. Even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes commented on it.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#52
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,585
113
#52
jsr1221 said:
If I met a girl and there was a connection between us and over time developed feelings for each other, while it turns out she didn't have a job and diabetes ran in the family... I wouldn't care at all. If you love each other and both have Christ first and use Him for all things, then why is it a problem? Isn't love supposed to cast out all?
Click to expand...
jsr,

The heart of Molly's questions isn't the fact of HAVING debt, but rather how it was accumulated and how responsible the person is when it comes to paying it off.

As many here have pointed out, having debts for valid reasons (school, medical issues, etc.) is understandable. However, spending excessive amounts of money or handing it irresponsibly is more of the question at hand.

Be sure to check out the posts here from people who have been in relationships and marriages with those who did not handle debts or money well. As I wrote in my own post, my husband wasn't truthful at all about his finances and I found out through receipts in his car the day after we got married.

When I married at 23, I thought love would conquer all as well. But when creditors are calling your house, sending you a never-ending flood of bills in the mail, and threatening legal action (including taking away your house, car, etc.), you can't look at a person and say, "I love you" and expect it all to magically go away, as much as we all wish that were possible. My parents have a ministry counseling people to get out of debt and they say these kinds of situations all the time. Unfortunately, most don't choose to change and wind up bankrupt, divorced, or both.

I think many people today don't think things through and they jump the gun thinking "love will find a way" when they don't realize that love, in cases like this, will take on a different form.

For instance, love may result in one person carrying the burden of being responsible while the other person is resentful, claims they are being treated like a child, and runs into the arms of someone else, as was the case in my own marriage.
 
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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#53
May 23, 2009
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#53
P.S. to Cmarieh,

Just wanted to make a little side note here :). I thoroughly enjoyed your post and want you to know I was not trying to sound critical in any way (and I'm very sorry if I did.)

It's just that I know many people who are deeply in debt and some of them took on loans beyond their means partially because they thought they were building good credit.

I just wanted to present a different point of view was all :). I hope I didn't offend you. You are a sweetheart as always. :)
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#54
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,585
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#54
I was thinking about this thread at work, and something else I wanted to mention is that it's important to find out if the person you're dating has children and owes/actually pays their child support.

The reason I mention this is because I've seen several friends go through this nightmare, and it's certainly not gender-specific.

For example, I had a friend who dated a man who had... I forget how many kids. By more than one mother. And it was originally in a state that will give a person jail time for unpaid child support. This man was constantly moving from place to place in order to avoid both paying child support and going to jail. He would specifically choose states that couldn't put him in jail, and usually racked up more girlfriends and babies along the way.

Now, I'm certainly not pinning this on men. There are plenty of people out there who have been abandoned by their mothers as well.

But what I'm trying to say is, if a person isn't responsible enough to support their own children, they won't help with yours or the children you might want to have with this person.

Being with someone who is constantly trying to avoid prison time is no way to live, and you could get into trouble yourself for helping them.

I'm not trying to say that anyone in this situation can't find a relationship. I'm just saying... We all wonder why we're single and we usually all give the answer, "It's just not God's timing yet." Maybe, what's actually happening is that God is waiting for us to work on some important issues by ourselves before He can add another person.
 
melita916

melita916

Senior Member
#55
Aug 12, 2011
10,418
2,660
113
#55
seoulsearch said:
I'm just saying... We all wonder why we're single and we usually all give the answer, "It's just not God's timing yet." Maybe, what's actually happening is that God is waiting for us to work on some important issues by ourselves before He can add another person.
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this!!!!!!!!
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#56
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#56

I didn't know there were women out there without debt :)

Yes, I'd date them, but their debt would remain their own. Nearly everyone has debt, but if its under control and they're paying it off, its not a problem. Otherwise, I'd suggest bankruptcy and an extreme adjustment of their spending habits prior to getting involved.. I'm just getting too old to be anyone's sugar daddy :)
 
J

JeniBean

Guest
#57
#57
Dan58 said:

I didn't know there were women out there without debt :)

Yes, I'd date them, but their debt would remain their own. Nearly everyone has debt, but if its under control and they're paying it off, its not a problem. Otherwise, I'd suggest bankruptcy and an extreme adjustment of their spending habits prior to getting involved.. I'm just getting too old to be anyone's sugar daddy :)
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That's not nice!!! I am totally debt free!!!
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#58
May 23, 2009
14,943
4,585
113
#58
Dan58 said:

I didn't know there were women out there without debt :)

Yes, I'd date them, but their debt would remain their own. Nearly everyone has debt, but if its under control and they're paying it off, its not a problem. Otherwise, I'd suggest bankruptcy and an extreme adjustment of their spending habits prior to getting involved.. I'm just getting too old to be anyone's sugar daddy :)
Click to expand...
JeniBean said:
That's not nice!!! I am totally debt free!!!
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It's not a myth!!!

Women without debts (and who are careful about saving and spending) really do exist.

Several of them... right here in this forum.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#59
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
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#59
seoulsearch said:
It's not a myth!!!

Women without debts (and who are careful about saving and spending) really do exist.

Several of them... right here in this forum.
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No debt here! Unless you count a small home mortgage, but most consider that an investment. I'm very pleased to be able to make very little annually but still live quite comfortably. This is my financial goal for my life. (Not to MAKE very little... but to NEED very little to live well.)
 
C

christianguitarist

Senior Member
#60
Mar 4, 2011
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4
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#60
I would add that if he/she is responsible in paying for her debts on time that is great but a problem does arise when the burden is placed on his/her companion or partner to pay for them . Would stress arise ? And Would there be a rift between both of them are some things to carefully tread and consider . Just my food for thought .
 
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