Dating someone with children

[NazariteNation]

I realize that with most christian singles who have never been married and don't have children, we tend to look for the same in those we date. It makes sense actually, that you would prefer to date someone who feels the same way you that you do about relationships. After all, you have made numerous sacrifices to make yourself as uncomplicated as possible heading into marriage so it makes sense that one would like the same in return.

As for me, I've always wanted children. About ten years ago, before my walk with the Lord, I dated a girl who had a one year old daughter out of wedlock. When the relationship was finally over, I had a very hard time moving on because I had unknowingly become emotionally attached to little girl, possibly more so than I was to my ex. It was a really hard break up that took a couple of years to resolve. That's when I decided that I would never date another woman with children, at least little ones that are so easy to become attached.

However, and this could be age talking (*lol*), as I look at the world and how it has basically gone to hell in a hand basket over the last couple of decades, I'm really starting to doubt whether or not I really want to bring children of my own into this world. I mean... I love children and can't imagine starting a family without having children around but it is out of that same love for children that I'm beginning to realize that maybe this world is not the best place for them.

Anyways, keeping that in mind, I'm starting to reconsidering dating someone who may have children from a previous relationship (just as long as their previous relationship is in deed over and ended in a biblical manner and also the father isn't some sort of psychopath! *lol*). Also, I find myself warming up to the idea of adoption and would like to keep this option open for discussion with my future wife if / when I finally marry and settle down.

I'm interested in hearing other peoples opinion, especially those of you who are single and in your late 20's and into your 30's.

 

[iraasuup]

Naz, I respond only with interest from your perspective of bringing children into this world. I mean sure, I get where you're coming from and interesting point you make, but all of that aside, is that REALLY a reason to not have children?? The reason I ask is right now I'm going through this whole battle with my husband. The issue however, is somewhat different. He has just decided that he doesn't want children, because, well he just doesn't. He finds them annoying, and well basically he doesn't like kids, and doesn't want to be responsible for one or any of his own and therefore has decided we aren't having any and really doesn't care how I feel at all! His reasons are purely selfish and he won't change his mind on the issue. I feel now I'm caught in a really tough spot...

So, I guess there are loads of situations that are different for everyone, and we may never understand them all.. probably a really tough call to make. (Sorry... I know that was a little off the topic)...

 

[DaveScotland]

I was in the same situation as you nazirite before i was a christian i dated a women with child for three years. leaving the woman was easy as we had grown apart. but leaving Nathan was the hardest thing ever

 

[bamberoons]

I totally can see where you are coming from in your thoughts Naz. I think for any logical, educated, caring person... how could that thought not enter the thought process?

I was married for 2 years and 19ish when I had my first baby... but for about a year before her I was deeply unsettled in my life and coming into a disturbing realization of how dark this world really is while I was seeking God's truth. I always wanted to be a mother. This was the desire of my heart... and still is. But back then I very VERY firmly did not want children. What does this life have to offer them? From a childless persons point of view... it looks bleak. My life was over the top stressful and not for a lack of effort to prevent babies I ended up preggo with my daughter. I was in the process of leaving my husband at the time, but for some reason the news of a baby makes people feel like they have to work out a bad situation. The thought of 'why would I want to bring MORE children into this world' never left me through all that time. It was the strangest thing tho... I felt SUCH an intense need to have a second child and I planned it... it was terribly methodical and logical, but I can see this family absolutely needed him, his sister SO needed him. The marriage dissolved some time later... and I am now that single mother of two that indimidates the poop outta potentials and sends them running for the hills... heh. I realized at some point after I had my daughter that I did not want her to grow up in this nightmare world an only child like I was. I wanted her to form strong bonds with other people in her life who were brought up the same as her. I wanted them to have that bond, those people in life that you can count on. I know that is not always the case with sibling groups, but with Gods grace I hope to create that incredible family unit. My children are still very young, but I have realized early in their lives that they are incredible people and are already being used for something much greater, I can feel they have such purpose and dare i say it... a calling.

The world has always been bad. Our fate has been sealed already. We know the outcome and logic frequently rules my life more than it should. It makes me think... whats the point?

Its not about what this world will be to them or do to them... now I can so see I have been given the task and the tools to raise God fearing children that this world really needs...

 

[TJ1780]

"maybe this world is not the best place for children" one of the leader from my church said the same thing. I mean, I do want to have my own children around me. But sometimes I just can't stop thinking that Jesus Christ is coming and this world is so cruel for them to grow up in.

 

[Kyra]

This is an interesting topic. I've thought about this and I think it comes down to a case by case basis. Who you are, what you're willing to work through and what God has planned.


People talk about the ex-wife/husband drama, but I think you also have to deal with the kid drama too. Especially if they are older. They may resent you dating their parent, they may have major grieving issues, they may be spoiled or they may still want their parents to get back together and try to cause problems.


A friend of mine married a guy with a daughter who was nasty times 12. But my friend said she truly believed God led her to marry this man and over MANY years things got better. When I told her she was a saint and said I would never marry a guy with kids or an ex, she said, "Everybody has baggage." So she was glad she made the choice even though it included "the bad seed". ha!

As far as the evil world factor, I hear you. But let's be honest, the great things in life are never risk free.

 

[sweetnshy]

I'm not opposed to dating someone who has kids. However, at the moment I don't think I could do it, because I think you have to be in a place where you're ready to step in as a potential stepmother/stepfather, and I know I wouldn't be able to handle that just yet. But in a few years, I could probably take on that role. I think as you get older, it's harder to make conditions like "I won't marry someone who has kids" or "I won't marry someone who's not a virgin," because as you get into your late 20's, 30's, 40's, and so on, it's more likely that the people your age will have kids or be divorced. I would like to have kids of my own someday, but when I'm 40-something and still single, I'm probably better off marrying someone who already has kids rather than hoping for kids of my own!

 

[ChristianVegan]

Ive been married before and I have 2 children, but honestly Im not sure if I want a guy with children because of what Ive been through in my own relationships and trying to date (men trip as well, with who do you have around my kids etc, I dont want to go through that with a guy's ex wife)
BUT at the same time, I do want a guy who has a strong sense of what it is like to be a Dad, but how can you have that if you havent been one yet?
Maybe a responsible Uncle type guy LOL, idk, i just dont want to end up with a guy who just wants to play with the kids and not want to discipline.

 

[Sevndust]

I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS...IF I WISH TO BE WITH A WOMAN AND I FIND OUT SHE'S A MOTHER, I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY. WITHOUT QUESTION, IT'S SOMETHING I THINK WE ALL HEAR TOO OFTEN THESE DAYS ESPECIALLY MEN SEEING CHILDREN AS THE DEAL BREAKER RIGHT OFF THE BAT. I HAVE AN OPEN MIND AND MY SITUATION IS NOT VERY COMPLEX SO IT'S NO ISSUE FOR ME. HOWEVER I DO AGREE WITH OTHERS AND CAN DEFINITELY LOOK AT IT FROM SEVERAL ANGLES AND SEE HOW OTHERS WOULD HAVE AN ARGUMENT. ULTIMATELY IT JUST DEPENDS ON THE SITUATION ON BOTH HALVES AND WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR.

 

[Maya86]

I'm completely alright with my man having kids. Heck, I didn't get into pediatrics for nothing, lol. I wanna adopt some and through God's grace, build a home for abandoned children/orphans... they'll have God and moi. I guess if the guy is single (ie. not separated, not in a relationship but is really single) with kids, I'm completely cool with that.

 

[NMsmile]

I am full of Christ's love. I also want to be obedient to the plans he has for me. As a single mother (my son is 21) I would love to be a mom to more children. The wonderful thing is that I have complete confidence that God has a wonderful plan for my life! It doesn't matter to me as long as I am in God's will!

 

[Bridget_Left_China]

I know a lot of single women and men do not want to date a person with children from a previous relationship. That is a personal preference for sure. I, personally, have no problem whatsoever with dating a man with children. It's whatever feels comfortable to you I guess!

 

[violakat]

For me, it depends on the situation. I'm a little of the jealous type, and would not want to have to share my family with another woman, so it would be harder for me to date a divorced man with children, and his ex is still alive. Would it stop me, no. But it would be harder for me to do.