What Do You Do When People Want To Take Advantage of You Because You're Single?

[Dino246]

If you are a single woman in a church/group function/anywhere in life you are automatically the babysitter! Because apparently being single means you're somehow fully capable of looking after children?

But to be honest I do love playing with kids and passing them off to their parents when they crap themselves.

My daughter got stuck with this often enough that it turned her off church. And possibly off kids too.

 

[Lynx]

But to be honest I do love playing with kids and passing them off to their parents when they crap themselves.

Exactly! Kids are most fun when the parents (who have to deal with the downside) are people who are not me.

 

[AsifinPassing]

Hey Singles,

Have you ever had a situation in your life in which people have tried to take advantage of you because you're single?

For example:

1. "You can afford to (loan me money, give X amount to the church, pay for my dinner, etc.). After all, you're single."

2. "You can stay and put in the extra hours at work--I have a spouse and family I need to get home to. What worries do you have? After all, you're single."

3. "We can rely on Janet to do most of the leg work in our (volunteer group, church group, community program, etc.) After all, she's single."

And sometimes, the church can be the absolute worst at this. A long-time CC member once wrote about a Women's Retreat in which the lone single woman of the group was designated by the others to stay behind and babysit the group's children instead of being allowed to attend the retreat like the rest of them.

In my own life, I've had some work experiences in the past in which there is a definite order of priority when it comes to whose life issues are seen as being most important: 1. Married with kids come first. 2. Single with kids seems to come next. 3. Married or in a relationship without kids places behind these two groups. 4. Are you single and don't have kids? Surely you have no life, and you're the one we expect to stay over and meet the deadlines for the entire group.

I have nothing but respect for those with families, and I know it's hard. Many years ago I was in a relationship with an alcoholic whose choices prevented him from being able to care for his kids, so I've had a taste of what life is like as a single parent, and I try my best to be understanding, supportive, and available when possible.

But I also have to be honest in that I become deeply resentful that my time is not respected in the same manner as those who have families, kids, and/or partners. I now have a personal rule that for about every three times I say "yes" to something, I will say "no" at least once, whether it's a work or personal commitment, in order to make people aware of the fact that I am not their Single Servant.

Have people expected more from you, your schedule, and your finances because you are single?

What have you done to stand up for yourself?

In response to question #1: No. Statistically, married people make more money by net, gross, margin, median, and average, so if anyone said that...if I was in a bad mood...I might respond, "You could afford it more than I can." ...but...I'm the self-sacrificing type, so if it was something at least semi-legit, I'd probably give them the money/purchase whatever it was...even to my own detriment...just because that's the way I am and choose to be.

Question #2 Response: "If I don't have X,Y,Z to be at, because while you may have an immediate family, I have 3 jobs, 4 organizations I'm part of, and a do list that seems directly from the alchemist's chest (story about a chest that multiplies things put into it every time the lid closes)... then yes, I'd love to say."

That's more of the thought process though... the reality is probably something like... "Sure, but it doesn't conflict with anything. Otherwise, no."

Question #3 Response: I've honestly never run into this situation. That's just blatantly rude and incorrect, so I tend to immediately address and correct such situations.

"I'm sorry, but what does singleness have to do with aptitude? Giving someone the brunt of the work, first of all, is underhanded, unless you also plan to give them the brunt of the credit. Secondly, someone capacity or effectiveness is not governed by marital status. There are unfathomably busy single people, just like some married, and ridiculously obligated families...just like some singles. Let's not be discriminatory due to stereotypes and trying to pass the buck. Are we a team who is dedicated to mutually getting this done, or is this a solo project?"

That one is more or less both the thought process and reality. I'd word it more diplomatically, but with just as much clarity.

**Have people expected more from you, your schedule, and your finances because you are single?**

Hmm... possibly, but I'd like to think to had more to do with aptitude than it did marital status. When churches find out you're good (or even nearly proficient/coherent) at something, they'll quickly volunteer you to take care of it. It's probably more unfortunate than fortunate, but at least you get the chance to serve and use your gifts... despite the struggles that will come with that (I gar-un-tee!).

**What have you done to stand up for yourself?**

Mostly just say 'no', or unbiblically say 'yes' and then not do it (which is really wrong of me, and I'm aware/trying to work on that). A plate can only fit so much, and life has a lot to do with balance... if you pour everything out...you better be getting filled up somehow, elsewise you'll be left empty (and quite frankly, burnt out). I've seen this happen a ton to all kinds of people. So, a lot is about trying to find that balance with God's help for your own life journey.

Sometimes you just gotta say...

 

[egeiro]

At my old church, I happily arrived at 6:30am in the morning to help set up and did everything in between until we left around 12pm in the afternoon. If the married people said they were leaving early to attend their son's friend's birthday party, then I would literally shoo them out the door and do the rest of the work with the others.

At work, I shoo some of the women I work with out the door early because I know they have several children to take care of and mouths to feed, dinner to cook etc.

I look at married people or parents with awe and respect because I honestly don't know how they juggle family and everything else at the same time. I work with children. I only have them for 8 hours a day and then I'm pooped. I don't know how people juggle this all the time with ministry and family life and work life as well.

I will happily do the extra stuff as a single just to give those heroes a break.

My worship leader and the lead pastors have families and yet they bend over backwards for basically everyone. Some days I just watch my worship leader try to pack up after the service. I watch him walk to the stage, pick up his guitar, and attempt to walk off from it which takes him usually half an hour. Because people begin to flock to him asking questions, organising all these little things with him, discussing worship stuff, and just looking at him I can tell he is really tired trying to organise us little sprouts who have a bit too much enthusiasm. Some days I just want to tell everyone to give the man some space so he can go home to his wife and kid.

I guess there are many cases where people just want to throw the responsibility on to others, but I have a lot of time on my hands as a single woman and I enjoy serving the people I love. I'm sure if I have children one day, I'm going to miss the times when I did this.

 

[egeiro]

But then again, my last church worked well as a family in unison. Myself and the only other young, single adult, who was a dude a couple of years younger than me, we did most of the set up with the sound system cables and also worshipped. Some middle aged guys did the heavy lifting with chairs. The elderly ladies would bake and clean the kitchen. The mums would run children's church, the older men would stir everyone up with banter and corny one liners but balance it out with good grandpa hugs. Everyone seemed to have their place so there wasn't anything out of balance.

At my current church, it is heavily populated with young adults so the culture is different, however, I've never seen a church live in a way that has cultivated such a culture of honour. We often celebrate the people who have diligently served the body. Everyone truly lifts the other person up higher than themselves. We have so many young people doing a little bit here and there that there are heaps of volunteers for everything. We have a ridiculous amount of musicians which is awesome.

However, we have only one fully trained 'sound guy'. He pretty much gets whipped in to everything and has admitted he has burnt himself out before. We should give it up for all those sound guys out there, excreting out their talents as a selfless offering to the church body, hahahahaha.

So I guess it depends on the church's culture. People's attitude and diligence to serve changes when people's talents and gifts are noticed, celebrated, and then encouraged to add to the body and to build it up. But if someone's dishing out orders based on pragmatic decisions and shallow logistics, its really going to set a family unit up for failure. People of all ages have much to give to the family of Christ, and when people do arise to the occasion, I believe that it is loving to notice this and encourage them in this area.

 

[Pipp]

Someone once told me their bratty 10 year old son had a right to speak disrespectful to me because I'm still single which according to him I wasn't counted an adult until I was married . Might I add I was 27 at the time. He did later come apologize for being an idiot.

 

[skylove7]

Eat pasta and move on! lol

 

[NukePooch]

However, we have only one fully trained 'sound guy'. He pretty much gets whipped in to everything and has admitted he has burnt himself out before. We should give it up for all those sound guys out there, excreting out their talents as a selfless offering to the church body, hahahahaha.

Interesting way to put that. (lifelong sound guy here) I was 'excreting my talent' last night at a wedding rehearsal (in which I crossed over into 'nursery' because I had someone's 2 1/2 month old boy on my lap while the parents decorated)...and I get to 'excrete' today at the wedding. And reception. And band practice.

I think the saying is...
10% of the church does 90% of the work.
(and I'd like to add)
100% of church sound guys have to attend 99.99% of the church functions.

 

[Lost_sheep]

In every workplace I've been in, I have been either "the single guy" or "the guy without a family" and as such, I have been the guy tapped to work weekends and holidays so other people can meet their after-work responsibilities.

Eff that noise.

It's not my problem that people were stupid and put a ring on someone's finger or that they couldn't contain their animal urges and had an "oops" baby. I was a salaried employee. 2080 hours a year. Period. Any more and I had better get compensated for it. Just because I was smart and didn't get someone pregnant doesn't mean I am volunteering to be the slave so my co-workers can spend time with their families.

Eff that noise, again.

 

[garet82]

Well, specially when i was at school its not fun.
I should get off day that day but coz one of the teacher cant be standby teacher, school will ask me to be standby teacher in my off day.
Some of them often to loan some money with excuss single dont make many expense like them,
If theres task to go to workshop or training in area that far like city or other province, as single they will put my name in first list with excuss single doesnt needs to take care family n kids and so on

 

[Hellooo]

I was reminded of this thread today

I've been trying to close out my apartment and coordinate things at my new place with Internet, washer/dryer, getting things installed, selling/donating old things, researching different issues I've had no experience with, trying not to get ripped off with things I've no experience with...I'm not complaining, i signed up for this, but I have to do it all by myself on my own time.

My boss got upset with me for asking for the day off to get some of this stuff done today and I feel like if it someone else on our team who took the day off to stay home with their kids it wouldn't even be questioned.

I'm working later today as a compromise, but her reaction really bothered me.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

I was reminded of this thread today

I've been trying to close out my apartment and coordinate things at my new place with Internet, washer/dryer, getting things installed, selling/donating old things, researching different issues I've had no experience with, trying not to get ripped off with things I've no experience with...I'm not complaining, i signed up for this, but I have to do it all by myself on my own time.

My boss got upset with me for asking for the day off to get some of this stuff done today and I feel like if it someone else on our team who took the day off to stay home with their kids it wouldn't even be questioned.

I'm working later today as a compromise, but her reaction really bothered me.

I feel your pain. My boss attempted to transfer me to another city during a reorg in our company and his reason is because I'm single. God intervened so I was not transferred. And I also went dramatic and cried in front of the manager. It was embarrasing but I was not able to hold back.