Well guys, I did something which I believe God pushed me to do two days ago.
After a week of feeling uncertain about the living conditions of me and my other half (it was originally me and him along with two others in a four bedroom house until one of our housemates moved out suddenly, leaving us alone there until my other housemate will return today) I suddenly began feeling like I had to finish things with him. I walked along the streets in town praying for a sign to either stay or to finish things. I havent been so consistent with my faith for a long time but i know prayer is a weapon, and as much as i couldnt bear to think I didnt love him anymore, the thought of us living together made me physically unwell, so i said "God, I know I never thought id say this, but, please......give me a huge sign whether we should remain. Or not." We said wed get married and have kids and we felt settled for the past 3 months..then I had doubts when one of the housemates shifted his stuff last week. My ex told me continuously "its the atmosphere hon, its gonna be weird for a while without them but its good! I love you honey.." And everytime I said the words back, I had the 'stab' in my tummy, the stab of what I'll always refer to as Uncertainty. I tend to have ALOT of anxiety concerning my health and stomach but this was different. This wasn't my usual gag-reflex playing up. The thought of us made me go off my usual chocolate/pizza/Pepsi appetite which believe me, never happens! Haha.
The aftermath I'm feeling is, disorientated...I never went through such a codependent relationship and we were literally in each others pockets for 15 months, living together from the first day we dated(sounds crazy but the student accommodation allowed people to stay over...I know this sounds rather informal and not Christian like but we recovered that last year when we stopped sleeping in the same bed due to morals)....all the way to our McDonald's date 52 hours ago. My ex has been amazing in this, he cried and cried and cried then told me "if you feel this pit feeling in your stomach....please finish this" so I did. Yesterday we continued as normal friends, weirdly being OK about it until the atmosphere in our house went from worse to very-worse. I know I did the right thing but it dawned on me that I wouldn't have my confidante with me anymore..we did EVERYTHING together. So, he told me all day "Look, I know you hate change, and we live together still SO....I'm just gonna be the mate you need"... This was sweet but I really can't stand to talk with him after having 465 days of affection. It's.....strange.
Thennnnnnn last night for the first time in a while(we have both become rather introverted except for the odd coffee with our two/three friends)...he told me " I'm going out with Kyle"(his mate) ...They invited me, telling me itd taken our minds off everything but I couldn't. I still couldn't eat and I needed sleep ...it was a gig at the local open mic bar, which was a safe night....early finish, our fellow classmates were playing with their bands. And as I drifted off to sleep alone in our house, I was woken by deep sobbing. My ex was properly drunk for the first time ever....I felt a mix of sadness, anger, frustration but moreover confusion as he begged me to get back with him, in his drunk state....our friend thankfully accompanied him home and told me "this is a phase. That boy loves you. This is forever Chloe..." But...I knew this was all drunken talk. I tried to sober them both up, wanting to just get by on my own and the more my ex felt better, the more he seemed OK with us being apart.
I've left him in his room to hopefully recover, and I believe this is the right thing to do, despite the 10000 memories hitting me with every step I walk. I never thought I'd be a sufferer of a break-up but now I know to take things so slowly as my friends told me last night , "it was way too sudden. Who moves in on the day they start dating??". I see him nextdoor and I get ready eyed. But, the main problem lies in my contract. I must stay here until June..and so must he. I have friends who have offered but I was never there for them when I was with my ex so I feel like a bad friend and many of them have their own problems. We are doing well for such a raw finish but, its not right that I live with him. I feel conflicted between the memories and jokes and stuff we shared as a couple and my headstrong instinct which only comes out once in a while.
I believe this is from God, maybe that's why I feel so strong. This morning I prayed for strength. Maybe I need to pray it for him too.
Any advice is welcomed, what have you guys done after you finished something? I must say, it feels like HE broke up with ME when I know that's not what he wanted...its just guilt of finishing something so consistent
After a week of feeling uncertain about the living conditions of me and my other half (it was originally me and him along with two others in a four bedroom house until one of our housemates moved out suddenly, leaving us alone there until my other housemate will return today) I suddenly began feeling like I had to finish things with him. I walked along the streets in town praying for a sign to either stay or to finish things. I havent been so consistent with my faith for a long time but i know prayer is a weapon, and as much as i couldnt bear to think I didnt love him anymore, the thought of us living together made me physically unwell, so i said "God, I know I never thought id say this, but, please......give me a huge sign whether we should remain. Or not." We said wed get married and have kids and we felt settled for the past 3 months..then I had doubts when one of the housemates shifted his stuff last week. My ex told me continuously "its the atmosphere hon, its gonna be weird for a while without them but its good! I love you honey.." And everytime I said the words back, I had the 'stab' in my tummy, the stab of what I'll always refer to as Uncertainty. I tend to have ALOT of anxiety concerning my health and stomach but this was different. This wasn't my usual gag-reflex playing up. The thought of us made me go off my usual chocolate/pizza/Pepsi appetite which believe me, never happens! Haha.
The aftermath I'm feeling is, disorientated...I never went through such a codependent relationship and we were literally in each others pockets for 15 months, living together from the first day we dated(sounds crazy but the student accommodation allowed people to stay over...I know this sounds rather informal and not Christian like but we recovered that last year when we stopped sleeping in the same bed due to morals)....all the way to our McDonald's date 52 hours ago. My ex has been amazing in this, he cried and cried and cried then told me "if you feel this pit feeling in your stomach....please finish this" so I did. Yesterday we continued as normal friends, weirdly being OK about it until the atmosphere in our house went from worse to very-worse. I know I did the right thing but it dawned on me that I wouldn't have my confidante with me anymore..we did EVERYTHING together. So, he told me all day "Look, I know you hate change, and we live together still SO....I'm just gonna be the mate you need"... This was sweet but I really can't stand to talk with him after having 465 days of affection. It's.....strange.
Thennnnnnn last night for the first time in a while(we have both become rather introverted except for the odd coffee with our two/three friends)...he told me " I'm going out with Kyle"(his mate) ...They invited me, telling me itd taken our minds off everything but I couldn't. I still couldn't eat and I needed sleep ...it was a gig at the local open mic bar, which was a safe night....early finish, our fellow classmates were playing with their bands. And as I drifted off to sleep alone in our house, I was woken by deep sobbing. My ex was properly drunk for the first time ever....I felt a mix of sadness, anger, frustration but moreover confusion as he begged me to get back with him, in his drunk state....our friend thankfully accompanied him home and told me "this is a phase. That boy loves you. This is forever Chloe..." But...I knew this was all drunken talk. I tried to sober them both up, wanting to just get by on my own and the more my ex felt better, the more he seemed OK with us being apart.
I've left him in his room to hopefully recover, and I believe this is the right thing to do, despite the 10000 memories hitting me with every step I walk. I never thought I'd be a sufferer of a break-up but now I know to take things so slowly as my friends told me last night , "it was way too sudden. Who moves in on the day they start dating??". I see him nextdoor and I get ready eyed. But, the main problem lies in my contract. I must stay here until June..and so must he. I have friends who have offered but I was never there for them when I was with my ex so I feel like a bad friend and many of them have their own problems. We are doing well for such a raw finish but, its not right that I live with him. I feel conflicted between the memories and jokes and stuff we shared as a couple and my headstrong instinct which only comes out once in a while.
I believe this is from God, maybe that's why I feel so strong. This morning I prayed for strength. Maybe I need to pray it for him too.
Any advice is welcomed, what have you guys done after you finished something? I must say, it feels like HE broke up with ME when I know that's not what he wanted...its just guilt of finishing something so consistent
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