A plea from an introvert, to the introverts :)

[Rush]

So I read a lot of threads, but mostly I only respond when someone needs encouragement, or people are talking about fabulous video games

But today I'd like to ask a question.

If you're like me, then you love being alone. It's like a delicious chocolate cake that I've microwaved and then served with ice cream, like a bike ride on a perfect night, or a massage after a hard month, or like being asleep. The absolute epitome of relaxation.

But if you're like me, there's an internal dichotomy that exists.

While the above is absolutely true, I still get lonely, and seek company; but then at the same time I'm liable to eventually resent the albeit invited personal space invader that I'm spending time with for draining me.

This is not to say there aren't any people I enjoy spending my time with; but as someone who does so enjoy solitude, but also company, do you think there's any real hope of finding a prospective partner that simultaneously fills my need for company, without feeling like a space invader? Someone who I can simultaneously enjoy being around, and who I can recharge with like I'm alone?

Alternatively, do any of you wise introverts have advice on how I might self develop the ability to recharge with people, rather than expect someone to be endowed with such a blessed, magical character?

 

[coby]

Look for another introvert I suppose. There's this couple, James and Denise Jordan. They have a great marriage and he'll just go walk in the mountains alone and I guess she likes it. Funny to see. If both want alone time there's no problem I guess.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

Who says you MUST have a boyfriend/ spouse?

Either do like Coby said and find another introvert, or settle for having friends

 

[crosstweed]

In spite of technically being an extrovert (an ambivert is more like it), I do know where you're coming from on this. At a party or group event, I am extremely likely to disappear, having run off to seek the quiet solace of the bathroom or perhaps an empty alleyway/hallway, away from social expectations and stupid humans. My best friend is the same way... technically extroverted, but with strong tendencies to introversion. We have this conversation every so often: "Hey, you want to come over to my house and not talk?" And so we make some coffee and sit in large comfy chairs, either totally zoned out in Lala Land or reading, maybe saying something every once in a while.

The solution? Find another introvert who gets where you're coming from, or a really chill extrovert. Someone who automatically gets the personal space thing. Go hang out for coffee once or twice a month, or whatever fits your social needs. Another solution, though not nearly as effective, can be to hang out at a library. Quiet, but with humans around. If need be, you can strike up quiet conversation with a stranger or two, and then, your social needs having been met, you can sneak off at will without further social obligation.

 

[crosstweed]

Also, I am not aware of any means that will magically change you from an introvert to an extrovert, although there are things you can do to encourage your sociability, but I do know that change can and does happen. I'm significantly more introverted than I used to be a few years ago.

 

[Dino246]

...While the above is absolutely true, I still get lonely, and seek company; but then at the same time I'm liable to eventually resent the albeit invited personal space invader that I'm spending time with for draining me.

This is not to say there aren't any people I enjoy spending my time with; but as someone who does so enjoy solitude, but also company, do you think there's any real hope of finding a prospective partner that simultaneously fills my need for company, without feeling like a space invader? Someone who I can simultaneously enjoy being around, and who I can recharge with like I'm alone?

I can totally relate. Many of my interests are solitary (woodworking, reading, playing and practicing music), and I can easily spend my 'free' time without interacting face to face. I do enjoy the company of others, and I do seek fellowship, though not as often as some others would.

For me, I've learned that the solitude is somewhat self-perpetuating. I feel awkward in social settings, and I say silly things which I later regret (perhaps "kick myself repeatedly" is a better description), I feel dumb, I avoid social settings, I don't learn how to be comfortable, I still feel awkward.... Somehow the cycle must be broken.

I learned, in the midst of post-marital counseling (after the separation!) that I had lots of deeply-buried hurts, mostly from my childhood, which had shaped the way I interacted with people. The consistent shredding of my self-confidence as a child and teen led to defensive behaviour such as "just preferring my own company". Thirty years later I'm starting to live differently.

I don't think introversion is, by itself, a reaction to hurt. I suspect I'll always be a bit of an introvert, or at least be comfortable on my own more than some folks are. But I do find myself thinking it would be nice to share some of the alone times... or even most of them, with someone special. If and when it's time to look, I 'just' need to find that someone with whom I mesh well, to whom I can adjust without undoing myself completely. Easier said than done!

 

[cinder]

While the above is absolutely true, I still get lonely, and seek company; but then at the same time I'm liable to eventually resent the albeit invited personal space invader that I'm spending time with for draining me.

This is not to say there aren't any people I enjoy spending my time with; but as someone who does so enjoy solitude, but also company, do you think there's any real hope of finding a prospective partner that simultaneously fills my need for company, without feeling like a space invader? Someone who I can simultaneously enjoy being around, and who I can recharge with like I'm alone?

Alternatively, do any of you wise introverts have advice on how I might self develop the ability to recharge with people, rather than expect someone to be endowed with such a blessed, magical character?

While such a blessed magical character may exist in the form of another introvert, it seems like the real question here would be how do you balance company and solitude in a relationship (and ultimately a marriage) so that neither person feels neglected or like they're getting sick of the other person.

Things I've noticed in my own introvert life, which admittedly has been devoid of personal experience of romance and marriage, is that familiarity helps me tolerate people for longer periods of time. For example, sitting in a coffeeshop reading is definitely not ideal for me for personal time, but sitting around the house with my family reading or all on our separate computers isn't an imposition of personal space. It's much more comfortable and pleasant (at least until mom interrupts me to show me something stupid she got on e-mail).

I've also noticed that while most relationships drain me, every once in a while I make a friend that I can talk to for several hours and would still be glad to talk to the next day. With those kinds of people I can recharge one on one, but would still be worn out by a group of several of them together. And I think it would be difficult for me to have a close relationship with someone who wasn't that type of person.

Now most relationships I've seen, one person is much more extroverted than the other ( quite possibly because it's difficult for two quiet keep to themselves people to meet in the first place and additionally because if they did meet and get together they probably don't see much need to get out and be around more people). My parents have set a pretty good example of this (and they've got 36 years and still going strong together) in that my more extroverted mother goes out and does activities she wants, while my dad is pretty much a homebody. There are a few things (church, Bible study, going to see plays) that they go out and do together, but mom does a lot by herself. Dad gives her the freedom to do so, and she doesn't pester him about not wanting to do anything.

So yes it may be a bit unrealistic to expect to meet a person who makes you not want to spend any time alone anymore, but it is plenty realistic to expect that someone who gets to know you and accept you can also accept your need for some time apart and alone. As one introvert to another, it's perfectly ok to be in a relationship with someone and still need some alone time.

Though this train of thought has made me wonder..... how do introverted siamese twins cope? (Or is that now not PC enough and we have to call them conjoined twins ?)

 

[tourist]

So I read a lot of threads, but mostly I only respond when someone needs encouragement, or people are talking about fabulous video games

But today I'd like to ask a question.

If you're like me, then you love being alone. It's like a delicious chocolate cake that I've microwaved and then served with ice cream, like a bike ride on a perfect night, or a massage after a hard month, or like being asleep. The absolute epitome of relaxation.

But if you're like me, there's an internal dichotomy that exists.

While the above is absolutely true, I still get lonely, and seek company; but then at the same time I'm liable to eventually resent the albeit invited personal space invader that I'm spending time with for draining me.

This is not to say there aren't any people I enjoy spending my time with; but as someone who does so enjoy solitude, but also company, do you think there's any real hope of finding a prospective partner that simultaneously fills my need for company, without feeling like a space invader? Someone who I can simultaneously enjoy being around, and who I can recharge with like I'm alone?

Alternatively, do any of you wise introverts have advice on how I might self develop the ability to recharge with people, rather than expect someone to be endowed with such a blessed, magical character?

You sound a lot like me. Yes, loneliness can set in but I thank God that he provided for me a wonderful wife to keep me company. Oh, she's very pretty too.

 

[BekahB5]

I cherish solitude.
I also interact with others inter-personally, one-on-one, with the most ease.

so you see, you are not alone

 

[Lost_sheep]

*raises hand*

Hi, my name is Jon, and I am an introvert. Always was. Very quiet child and liked doing my own thing and playing by myself. Stayed that way all my life. When I was locked up, I had to spend a few months in solitary, and it had absolutley no effect on me because I am such an introvert.

I'm still an introvert. I'd rather stay home and watch Netflix or sketch lightsaber designs in my sketchbook than I would to go out with friends.

Introverts are awesome.

 

[PoetMary]

So I read a lot of threads, but mostly I only respond when someone needs encouragement, or people are talking about fabulous video games

But today I'd like to ask a question.

If you're like me, then you love being alone. It's like a delicious chocolate cake that I've microwaved and then served with ice cream, like a bike ride on a perfect night, or a massage after a hard month, or like being asleep. The absolute epitome of relaxation.

But if you're like me, there's an internal dichotomy that exists.

While the above is absolutely true, I still get lonely, and seek company; but then at the same time I'm liable to eventually resent the albeit invited personal space invader that I'm spending time with for draining me.

This is not to say there aren't any people I enjoy spending my time with; but as someone who does so enjoy solitude, but also company, do you think there's any real hope of finding a prospective partner that simultaneously fills my need for company, without feeling like a space invader? Someone who I can simultaneously enjoy being around, and who I can recharge with like I'm alone?

Alternatively, do any of you wise introverts have advice on how I might self develop the ability to recharge with people, rather than expect someone to be endowed with such a blessed, magical character?

Of the "mixed" couples that I've known (introvert/extravert), one of the things that works is "being alone together." So, it's stuff like being the same room but doing separate things. My parents do this. My dad will be reading while my mom is crocheting...but they're together and feel companionable doing their separate activities.

 

[Dino246]

Of the "mixed" couples that I've known (introvert/extravert), one of the things that works is "being alone together." So, it's stuff like being the same room but doing separate things. My parents do this. My dad will be reading while my mom is crocheting...but they're together and feel companionable doing their separate activities.

My folks do almost the same thing. My Dad is more extroverted but is an insatiable reader, while my Mom is quieter and content to play solitaire, knit, or read. I can sit happily with either or both of them and chat, or not.

 

[Rush]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

The idea of being alone with someone is so attractive. And those of you that have suggested it, you're right, I've met couples that have achieved it to some degree by understanding their spouses boundaries and needs, so there's definitely hope.

But while doing a different thing together is something lovely, I still want to be able to spend quality time without being resentful (like a jerk)... I don't ever want to resent my prospective spouse just for being near me (again, like a jerk).

For a real life example of what I hope for, I've only met one couple who are both total introverts who like the same things, and can enjoy those things together, but still recharge as though they're alone: "hanging out with him is like being alone", my friend affectionately refers to her husband.

They hit the relationship lottery, I know it. They both know how lucky they are to have met another human being that never feels like they're being drained by the others their presence...
I guess what I'm wondering is, am I expecting too much to find that too? Someone who doesn't EVER drain me, someone with whom I can share close personal space and still relax as though I'm alone.

 

[Rush]

Alternatively, I'm not opposed to self development if it can be healthily achieved.
Has anyone experienced successful and happy adaptation of self to exist beyond one's normal way of being to accommodate a greater love?

 

[crosstweed]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

The idea of being alone with someone is so attractive. And those of you that have suggested it, you're right, I've met couples that have achieved it to some degree by understanding their spouses boundaries and needs, so there's definitely hope.

But while doing a different thing together is something lovely, I still want to be able to spend quality time without being resentful (like a jerk)... I don't ever want to resent my prospective spouse just for being near me (again, like a jerk).

For a real life example of what I hope for, I've only met one couple who are both total introverts who like the same things, and can enjoy those things together, but still recharge as though they're alone: "hanging out with him is like being alone", my friend affectionately refers to her husband.

They hit the relationship lottery, I know it. They both know how lucky they are to have met another human being that never feels like they're being drained by the others their presence...
I guess what I'm wondering is, am I expecting too much to find that too? Someone who doesn't EVER drain me, someone with whom I can share close personal space and still relax as though I'm alone.

Part of the trick, if you're with an extrovert and they don't already know this about you, is to explain your need to be alone. Extroverts can become worried if they sense someone pulling away from them because they think something is wrong in the relationship, which can make them clingy and weird. They just need to have it explained that introverts just need more alone time, just like extroverts need more people time. That way they understand nothing is wrong with the friendship/relationship and they won't worry as much (Note: if someone is very extroverted, they might need this explained several times and reminded that nothing is wrong. Eventually they should be able to detect when you need alone time and learn to fight their extroverted instincts in order to respect your alone time.) Intro/intro relationships can be very fulfilling, but there is the risk of the relationship being neglected due to excessive individual alone time. Intro/extro runs the risk of one party being run ragged, and the other being neglected. Extro/extro can wear each other out and/or get on one another's nerves. I think that an introvert with either an introvert or an extrovert who isn't too high-octane (or is very sensitive and understanding) can have a relationship that doesn't drain them. If there's a harmony and a companionableness and an understanding and respect of each other's needs, it won't be draining.

P.S.... xD "Hanging out with him is like being alone." Best compliment ever(?). #introvertcompliments

 

[ajtx]

I like to be alone much more than anyone I know. I just don't like the term introvert however. I do go to birthday parties and outings with friends and family. I often feel awkward when around lots of people I don't know. I believe there is a need to have fellowship among others and being in a social situation is good for everyone. Its gets us out of our comfort zone where we can learn and observe. I imagine Jesus would want us to be out and about going good. Then at home in our safe place we seek him and his counsel.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Alternatively, do any of you wise introverts have advice on how I might self develop the ability to recharge with people, rather than expect someone to be endowed with such a blessed, magical character?

.............

 

[sassylady]

You are who you are, period. I could (and would love to) be totally alone for days before I would care to see or talk to anybody. I can enjoy being with somebody for short periods of time, but I only recharge by being alone.

My ex was an extrovert, and we went out with other couples, etc. But he also knew I needed times just for me and respected it. Of course not days without talking to him, you have to compromise regardless of the type of person you are. I treasured the times I dd get to myself.

Now I'm a single mom living in less than 1000 sq feet with three others and don't even get the corner of the couch to myself most of the time. I feel drained so much, plus I have a job where interruptions are ongoing all day. I have learned to deal with it in a Christlike manner but absolutely bask in the rare times I am totally alone even if it is only 30 min.

 

[sandtigeress]

It can be difficult, some time we used different work schedules. So that I had some time in my own.
Then we had a weekend relationship, that worked fine.
Then there was a phase, when we worked from home, and it became intolerant.
Now we again start with weekends.

It is good to now have the label "introvert", there was a time, people looked sideways, when one
told them, that sometimes ( = not always !) I need to be alone.

 

[AsifinPassing]

So I read a lot of threads, but mostly I only respond when someone needs encouragement, or people are talking about fabulous video games

But today I'd like to ask a question.

If you're like me, then you love being alone. It's like a delicious chocolate cake that I've microwaved and then served with ice cream, like a bike ride on a perfect night, or a massage after a hard month, or like being asleep. The absolute epitome of relaxation.

But if you're like me, there's an internal dichotomy that exists.

While the above is absolutely true, I still get lonely, and seek company; but then at the same time I'm liable to eventually resent the albeit invited personal space invader that I'm spending time with for draining me.

This is not to say there aren't any people I enjoy spending my time with; but as someone who does so enjoy solitude, but also company, do you think there's any real hope of finding a prospective partner that simultaneously fills my need for company, without feeling like a space invader? Someone who I can simultaneously enjoy being around, and who I can recharge with like I'm alone?

Alternatively, do any of you wise introverts have advice on how I might self develop the ability to recharge with people, rather than expect someone to be endowed with such a blessed, magical character?

I saw this several years ago, and I still like it:

Your Guide to Dealing With Introverts | Sidwell Studios