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U
Well if you're done making up lies let me give you the Real reason I made this post. So your ignorant foolishness can be silenced.
I made this post because my last girlfriend had done a Lot of things in her past than I have in mine. It didn't make me love her any less or make me question how I felt or what I wanted in regards to our relationship. And seeing what pain it causes her now makes me want to be there for her and comfort her.
Yes, I said ex. Since she ended things she has done some things that are not so good. She feels horrible about herself all the time now. For the past three months I've had to hear things I did Not want to ever know about, from her. But I love her. And she's in pain. So I make the Conscious choice to act in love towards her and Allow myself to be there for her. To help her through all of the negative feelings, even though it hurts me to be told what choices she's making. Some of it makes me feel insecure as well.
Because That is love. Putting the Other person ahead of yourself.
Even if I choose to not listen and help her I end up suffering still, because I Hate the thought that she's hurting and feels alone more than I hate hearing the things she tells me.
And while I want my ex back with every fiber of my being I am doubtful I will get her back. Yet because of love (not gender) I will continue to be there for her and be her friend. Because she is worth it, regardless of what I get in return.
So as you can see my answer has nothing to do with gender roles and Everything to do with unconditional love and selfLessness. Which is the very foundation of marriage. If you can't set your ego and insecurities aside then that's not love. And that's truth whether you're a male or female.
And if this were a female OP talking about a male I'd have given the Same answer. So I ask that you quit taking your bitterness and applying it to other people. Some people in this world still know what it means to love someone and people like you only seek to demean it and cause division.
Love isn't about you and what you get, it's about them and how much you can give for their sake, through your own pain, through disappointment, a lack of gratitude and anything else. If you are unable or unwilling to give that, male or female, then you aren't Truly loving.
I made this post because my last girlfriend had done a Lot of things in her past than I have in mine. It didn't make me love her any less or make me question how I felt or what I wanted in regards to our relationship. And seeing what pain it causes her now makes me want to be there for her and comfort her.
Yes, I said ex. Since she ended things she has done some things that are not so good. She feels horrible about herself all the time now. For the past three months I've had to hear things I did Not want to ever know about, from her. But I love her. And she's in pain. So I make the Conscious choice to act in love towards her and Allow myself to be there for her. To help her through all of the negative feelings, even though it hurts me to be told what choices she's making. Some of it makes me feel insecure as well.
Because That is love. Putting the Other person ahead of yourself.
Even if I choose to not listen and help her I end up suffering still, because I Hate the thought that she's hurting and feels alone more than I hate hearing the things she tells me.
And while I want my ex back with every fiber of my being I am doubtful I will get her back. Yet because of love (not gender) I will continue to be there for her and be her friend. Because she is worth it, regardless of what I get in return.
So as you can see my answer has nothing to do with gender roles and Everything to do with unconditional love and selfLessness. Which is the very foundation of marriage. If you can't set your ego and insecurities aside then that's not love. And that's truth whether you're a male or female.
And if this were a female OP talking about a male I'd have given the Same answer. So I ask that you quit taking your bitterness and applying it to other people. Some people in this world still know what it means to love someone and people like you only seek to demean it and cause division.
Love isn't about you and what you get, it's about them and how much you can give for their sake, through your own pain, through disappointment, a lack of gratitude and anything else. If you are unable or unwilling to give that, male or female, then you aren't Truly loving.
If you girlfriend has shared with you about her past, it means that she is being honest with you and is also serious about the relationship with you. From her point of view, she expects you to be supportive and understanding, and give her the space to mend things.
There are two things that I want to point out here -
1) If she said, and I quote you -
- then, she has not had a closure on the previous relationship. Rather than "instigate" or get confrontational, give her the space and the time to open up with you. You can offer to do whatever you can, to help her find the closure.
2) As Ugly said, no matter what, if you are in love with her, you will be willing to accept her as she is. Her past does not put her on a lower pedestal as compared to you. On the other hand, your jealousy and resentment towards her for her past, makes you appear smaller than her.
I think you need to introspect and decide for yourself whether this girl is worth fighting for, and by that I am referring to the negative feelings you harbour towards her, or not.
Edit to add: Considering your age, I think you are stretching your imagination too far by thinking about post-marriage scenarios.
There are two things that I want to point out here -
1) If she said, and I quote you -
- then, she has not had a closure on the previous relationship. Rather than "instigate" or get confrontational, give her the space and the time to open up with you. You can offer to do whatever you can, to help her find the closure.
2) As Ugly said, no matter what, if you are in love with her, you will be willing to accept her as she is. Her past does not put her on a lower pedestal as compared to you. On the other hand, your jealousy and resentment towards her for her past, makes you appear smaller than her.
I think you need to introspect and decide for yourself whether this girl is worth fighting for, and by that I am referring to the negative feelings you harbour towards her, or not.
Edit to add: Considering your age, I think you are stretching your imagination too far by thinking about post-marriage scenarios.
Speaking from experience where a woman did things that undermined trust and put me in a similar situation at the start of a relationship -- it probably is jealousy, distrust, a sense of dishonoring the relationship. These things happen. In Christianity we romanticize the idea of being meant for someone and saving yourself for someone, so if you get to that point and the other person hasn't saved themselves it can hurt the foundation you were trying to build. It's not unnatural to feel these things, but they have to be surrendered to the cross for the relationship to work.
In my situation I would have been glad to move past it if the woman was repentant and willing to do the spiritual work with me, of coming before God and surrendering that and receiving God's purity to start fresh. She wasn't. Your significant other may be different, and if her heart is ready to be made clean you should treasure that because many women aren't willing. And it is the heart that matters.
Remember we all need grace and mercy and you're going to have to learn how to destroy jealousy and insecurities with the cross -- but it takes a partnership to do this, to set a relationship completely free from both of your pasts. And if the woman is not with you, if she keeps an attachment to this stuff in her past, it can't work, just like if you kept it in your heart it wouldn't work.
I don't agree with the people telling you to just overlook it, it seems you are considerate and are trying to work with her and she is trying to work with you. Perhaps you two can get prayer with a pastor, about breaking off soul ties, being renewed and set free of memories, being fully prepared by God for the relationship.
As someone else said the enemy likes to torment and break relationships so you will have to learn to guard your relationship, your hearts, your minds. "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor 10:4-5) You cannot let the enemy build up spiritual strongholds of negativity if you want your relationship to be free. You have to discipline certain thoughts with the cross and the holy spirit, and so does she.
I think you did the right thing asking and being open about this; it would be wrong to make it about you, but it would be wrong to make it all about her too, because the relationship is about both of you. And if you're going to build a life together and maybe have kids, the relationship needs to be solid. It wouldn't be good to either of you to just sweep it under the rug. If either of you are too insecure to go through this process then it would suggest the relationship isn't feasible at this time. But in any case I wish you both the best, be blessed with the wisdom and grace of God to find the right way and to grow in the steps God has for you next.
In my situation I would have been glad to move past it if the woman was repentant and willing to do the spiritual work with me, of coming before God and surrendering that and receiving God's purity to start fresh. She wasn't. Your significant other may be different, and if her heart is ready to be made clean you should treasure that because many women aren't willing. And it is the heart that matters.
Remember we all need grace and mercy and you're going to have to learn how to destroy jealousy and insecurities with the cross -- but it takes a partnership to do this, to set a relationship completely free from both of your pasts. And if the woman is not with you, if she keeps an attachment to this stuff in her past, it can't work, just like if you kept it in your heart it wouldn't work.
I don't agree with the people telling you to just overlook it, it seems you are considerate and are trying to work with her and she is trying to work with you. Perhaps you two can get prayer with a pastor, about breaking off soul ties, being renewed and set free of memories, being fully prepared by God for the relationship.
As someone else said the enemy likes to torment and break relationships so you will have to learn to guard your relationship, your hearts, your minds. "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor 10:4-5) You cannot let the enemy build up spiritual strongholds of negativity if you want your relationship to be free. You have to discipline certain thoughts with the cross and the holy spirit, and so does she.
I think you did the right thing asking and being open about this; it would be wrong to make it about you, but it would be wrong to make it all about her too, because the relationship is about both of you. And if you're going to build a life together and maybe have kids, the relationship needs to be solid. It wouldn't be good to either of you to just sweep it under the rug. If either of you are too insecure to go through this process then it would suggest the relationship isn't feasible at this time. But in any case I wish you both the best, be blessed with the wisdom and grace of God to find the right way and to grow in the steps God has for you next.
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God, I pray that you save Utah from his vile mouth. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Solid advice. You know most advice only ever caters to the women. Its why men kill themselves 4x the rate. I have a co-worker going through some stuff and he came to me privately about killing himself because the system treats him like a piece of dirt. But you know what? No one cares because he is just suppose to "man up" and deal with it.
I think God made men stronger simply because we need it more than anyone else in this world. God knew already before hand we would have to take the majority of the crap the world would serve up.
Solid advice. You know most advice only ever caters to the women. Its why men kill themselves 4x the rate. I have a co-worker going through some stuff and he came to me privately about killing himself because the system treats him like a piece of dirt. But you know what? No one cares because he is just suppose to "man up" and deal with it.
I think God made men stronger simply because we need it more than anyone else in this world. God knew already before hand we would have to take the majority of the crap the world would serve up.
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I think men have the role of being stronger, but underneath we are the same as everyone else, which is why we fail on our own and need others to help us be strong. I think that is why God made men and women different, so that we would know we needed something besides ourselves. A world that has forgotten how to encourage men is like a desert and we are looking for a woman who is an oasis.
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J
As a woman who often counsels woman in which this has happened too, let me get a few points in that are not exactly like the others.
1.) She has been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. MEANING - She needs to seek a counselor to get over the trauma in all areas she suffered. Until doing so she cannot fully have a good relationship with a man.
2.) Are the two of you engaging in sexual acts? Hence the reason you have these mental images and selfishly wonder how you compare (because you know this is what this is all about, but you don't want to ask). Because SERIOUSLY if you loved her, you would listen, PRAY and help her through it all. You wouldn't be like oh my gosh she did this and this and this and seeing her with another man. YOU are with a woman who has been abused and you are having mental images??? Where do you live I will let you come talk to some woman who have been raped and abused and see how you can handle those images. Mental images...I want to hit my head against a wall.
3.) You need to mature A LOT before you even think of marrying her, because what I read...you should set her free, because if you cannot get over your selfishness you will soon or later become emotionally abusive to her because of your hang ups about her past.
FINALLY - We all have pasts and our pasts mold us into the people that we are. If you are going to LOVE someone one, you will accept them fully for them selves all the good, bad, beautiful and ugly. BECAUSE this is who they are!!!!
1.) She has been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. MEANING - She needs to seek a counselor to get over the trauma in all areas she suffered. Until doing so she cannot fully have a good relationship with a man.
2.) Are the two of you engaging in sexual acts? Hence the reason you have these mental images and selfishly wonder how you compare (because you know this is what this is all about, but you don't want to ask). Because SERIOUSLY if you loved her, you would listen, PRAY and help her through it all. You wouldn't be like oh my gosh she did this and this and this and seeing her with another man. YOU are with a woman who has been abused and you are having mental images??? Where do you live I will let you come talk to some woman who have been raped and abused and see how you can handle those images. Mental images...I want to hit my head against a wall.
3.) You need to mature A LOT before you even think of marrying her, because what I read...you should set her free, because if you cannot get over your selfishness you will soon or later become emotionally abusive to her because of your hang ups about her past.
FINALLY - We all have pasts and our pasts mold us into the people that we are. If you are going to LOVE someone one, you will accept them fully for them selves all the good, bad, beautiful and ugly. BECAUSE this is who they are!!!!