So this GUY wants THE GIRL already in a RELATIONSHIP!

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nineperot

Guest
#1
#1
Right,

So there is this guy (NOT ME thankyou very much) who is extremely infatuated with this girl. Shes in the last year of her collage. She is currently in a relationship that has lasted 2 years. He knows shes in a two year relationship. But deep inside he hopes her relationship would somehow end with her boyfriend so that he would have the opportunity. Hes apparently been inspired by the success of other men in grabbing the opportunity when the girl they were interested in broke up with their ex.

He has approached her as a friend. Should and Can he be her friend with such intentions?

2nd question -- if this girl asks him "do you like anyone?" Should he just spill the beans and tell her "yes i like you" or not spill the umm....truth?

I know what the right answer may be and its probably a no brainer but just wanted your thoughts.

Your time and thoughts would be most appreciated.
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#2
#2
I think it depends on how strong his integrity and will is. If he can be her genuine friend despite his feelings for her then I see no problem necessarily.

It's up to him, and ultimately, I'd say she's fair game until she gets married. If he manages to win her over, fair play to him. However, if not, then he's setting himself up for hurt. If he has the emotional strength to put himself through this and maintain the love of friendship in the face of emotional defeat then I see no reason why he shouldn't go for it. After all, who dares, wins.

The only other concern I can think of is the potential for ill feelings and bitterness towards her, her boyfriend and their relationship.

If he is really head over heels (you said 'infatuated') then generally speaking I'd say the risk for this to go bad is high enough for it to be wise to give this lass a miss, graciously cede defeat to the other bloke and move on. But as I said, it all depends on his personal character.
 
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Matthew

Guest
#3
#3
Well no he can't be a real friend to her if he is secretly rooting for her relationship to fail which after 2 years will obviously bring her emotional pain.....no friend would ever want to see that happen....regardless of their own feelings.

It sucks to be in that situation but she is spoken for and with those feelings he can't be a friend to her, he should do the decent thing and stay away...if the relationship ends he can make his feelings clear, otherwise he should just move on.
 
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Maddog

Guest
#4
#4
Matthew said:
Well no he can't be a real friend to her if he is secretly rooting for her relationship to fail which after 2 years will obviously bring her emotional pain.....no friend would ever want to see that happen....regardless of their own feelings.
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This is true, but I still say it's possible to genuinely want to see her prosper in her relationship despite his feelings.
 
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Matthew

Guest
#5
#5
Maddog said:
This is true, but I still say it's possible to genuinely want to see her prosper in her relationship despite his feelings.
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Well say that happens and he is a good friend to her while she is with the other guy, inside he is still going to feel lousy and why put yourself through that?

Also, he should think about the girls current boyfriend, it may be a fantasy land of moral decency but how would he feel if he was the boyfriend and another guy was hanging on in friendship hoping for a break-up, that's pretty despicable.
 
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Maddog

Guest
#6
#6
Matthew said:
Well say that happens and he is a good friend to her while she is with the other guy, inside he is still going to feel lousy and why put yourself through that?
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Because he might consider that the potential pay-off if worth the investment. Only he can make that judgement.

Matthew said:
Also, he should think about the girls current boyfriend, it may be a fantasy land of moral decency but how would he feel if he was the boyfriend and another guy was hanging on in friendship hoping for a break-up, that's pretty despicable.
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I just call that male rivalry.
 
L

lil-rush

Guest
#7
#7
If I found out a guy was hoping my relationship with some other dude would fall apart just so he could have a chance with me, I would not be happy with him. I would seriously wonder if he had ever been my friend in the first place or if he had just been hanging out with me in order to get in a relationship with me. I would not trust him, I would feel used, I would lose respect for him.

If the guy wants to be her friend, he better get his thoughts straightened out first, and stop hoping her current relationship ends.
 
K

Kuroko

Guest
#8
#8
I've been at both ends of this one, there IS a girl who I like and who I consider to be special in many ways which matter to me, she's smart and beautiful and mature. But there are two realities which get in my way, the first is that while she would be the light of the world to me she already is that to another person and he's a decent enough person to see all that she is as well and because of the relationship she was in before which is how I met her she is a friend to me first and so because my hand of friendship comes with no intention of self gain I cannot act against what it means to be friends.

I want her to be happy and to my knowledge she is, when their relationship was rocky I actually went about mending it for both of them to be happy again. I guess the question is, if your friend wants to offer a hand of friendship what does his impression of friendship mean?

There is another reality to this, that while I might always be her friend in life I find I can still appreciate all those good things about her, even if it is a shame I never get to show it.

^_^
Rob.
 
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sportygirl

Guest
#9
#9
Honestly, even if they do break up she is probably not going to jump into a relationship right away and if she does and it is with him, he is at a very high risk of getting hurt. Cause that would be a pretty big rebound. I have known of it happening, but that was in a relationship where hte couple were apart all the time, and it wasnt going great. If the girl and guys relationship is going good, he should move on in my opinon. Or at least cautiously stand on the sidelines and have patience.
 
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Matthew

Guest
#10
#10
Maddog said:
I just call that male rivalry.
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It's male rivalry only when the girl is still single, at that point as many guys as want too can try and date her, they can each present themselves and let her make her choice...or none at all.

But once a girl is in a relationship and has chosen who she wants to be with any real man walks away and accepts she is off limits.....I know I am going a bit off topic here but this kind of thinking is really bad....plenty of men go a step further and apply that to married women as well, saying they do nothing wrong in pursuing her and it is all her choice....you don't entice someone into breaking a relationship, and you don't make friends with a woman hoping her relationship will fail...it's pathetic and what I'd expect from a group of 14 year olds...not grown adults.
 
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Maddog

Guest
#11
#11
All's fair in love and war and may the best man win. If he wins her over then he was clearly the better man.

Just being in a relationship is not binding. No vows have been exchanged and most people have several relationships anyway before they finally marry.
 
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sportygirl

Guest
#12
#12
Matthew said:
It's male rivalry only when the girl is still single, at that point as many guys as want too can try and date her, they can each present themselves and let her make her choice...or none at all.

But once a girl is in a relationship and has chosen who she wants to be with any real man walks away and accepts she is off limits.....I know I am going a bit off topic here but this kind of thinking is really bad....plenty of men go a step further and apply that to married women as well, saying they do nothing wrong in pursuing her and it is all her choice....you don't entice someone into breaking a relationship, and you don't make friends with a woman hoping her relationship will fail...it's pathetic and what I'd expect from a group of 14 year olds...not grown adults.
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I completly agree, going after someone who is dating is just a bad idea, in fact depending on the girl, it could ruin any friendship you ahve with her and ruin your chances if they do break up.
 
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Matthew

Guest
#13
#13
Maddog said:
All's fair in love and war and may the best man win. If he wins her over then he was clearly the better man.

Just being in a relationship is not binding. No vows have been exchanged and most people have several relationships anyway before they finally marry.
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I've long been aware my view on this is the minority....in fact I am the only one I've ever known who thinks this way....any theories on what's not connected in my brain?

A relationship isn't binding that's true, but that doesn't automatically mean that it is open to assault from anyone on the outside if they happen to like what they see.

Say a guy successfully pursues a woman and she ends a relationship to be with him, he's left the 'lesser man' in pain and been completely selfish, yeah that's a model christian, oh wait, a model human right there. :(
 
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nineperot

Guest
#14
#14
sportygal

"Honestly, even if they do break up she is probably not going to jump into a relationship right away and if she does and it is with him, he is at a very high risk of getting hurt."

Sporty why is he at a very high risk of getting hurt?

"Cause that would be a pretty big rebound."

Okay i dont understand this.

"If the girl and guys relationship is going good, he should move on in my opinon. Or at least cautiously stand on the sidelines and have patience."

Yes I agree. He can stand cautiously on the side and move on at the same time.

Kuroko

Kudos to you brother. Thats a real good friend.

MADDOG

I disagree. Although it may sound super appealing in the animal kingdom...i still disagree.

Matthew

Its okay like sporty said to wait on the sidelines and try to move on. If she does by any chance happens to break up then he can move in. But i really like kurokos stance on making an attempt to fix it.

I think it is possible to be her friend, even if you like her, as long as the man moves into the friendship with the right principles and God guided intentions. An important condition also in all this is HE MUST MOVE ON AND MAKE AN ATTEMPT TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. I mean if he just sticks to being her friend without making an attempt to find other women who did make a match, I think hes still putting all his eggs in one basket and thats just plain wrong.
 
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Maddog

Guest
#15
#15
Matthew said:
Say a guy successfully pursues a woman and she ends a relationship to be with him, he's left the 'lesser man' in pain and been completely selfish, yeah that's a model christian, oh wait, a model human right there. :(
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The point is, if he is successful then her original boyfriend was clearly not what she was really looking for. Better it ended sooner rather than later.

No one's 'stealing' anyone's girlfriend here; she must still make the choice, and when it comes down to it, we all know that getting involved with the opposite sex carries the reasonable risk of being rejected.
 
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Matthew

Guest
#16
#16
Maddog said:
The point is, if he is successful then her original boyfriend was clearly not what she was really looking for. Better it ended sooner rather than later.

No one's 'stealing' anyone's girlfriend here; she must still make the choice, and when it comes down to it, we all know that getting involved with the opposite sex carries the reasonable risk of being rejected.
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My point is if the existing relationship isn't right then it should be allowed to end naturally on it's own, not because a 'friend' who has secret feelings is pushing his own agenda, surely we can all agree that isn't good behaviour?

That's all I'm trying to make clear, this guy the OP is talking about wants to be with this girl and would pursue friendship with her to make it happen, I hope nobody thinks that's a fine way to do things.
 
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nineperot

Guest
#17
#17
The point is, if he is successful then her original boyfriend was clearly not what she was really looking for.

No one's 'stealing' anyone's girlfriend here; she must still make the choice, and when it comes down to it, we all know that getting involved with the opposite sex carries the reasonable risk of being rejected.

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Its alot more than simply making that statement. There's so much going on there that one is not able to comprehend what exactly makes a woman decide to go for the other man when shes already in a relationship.

An example

Not sure if you have heard of the story of the heiress of BMW motor. She was married with kids, super rich, could have anything and everything she wanted to.

To cut this long story short, She was pursued by a professional male charmer. She resisted his first attempts. Then somehow he tracked her to a different country. He purposefully met her again. He tried to charm her again. This time she fell for his charm and had sexual relationship with him quite a few times. Ofcourse it didnt end well for the male charmer as he tried to blackmail her into giving him money.

What would you say in this case? That she was simply just having sex because she could? shes knows she has a husband, and she knows shes in a marriage. yet why did she end up having sex? is she dumb? Its not always black and white. A man CAN break a perfectly good relationship just like a hot saucy woman can seduce a man into breaking up with his wife.

what you state can happen. Maybe the girl does not know why shes into this relationship and is not fully satisfied with this relationship. Maybe she seeks someone better. But if shes not satisfied, why the heck is she in this relationship in the first place? well? maybe the guy has good enticing skills. maybe the girl just wants to be around a guy. There may just be too many reasons. sometimes even WRONG reasons. I think Matthews point was if she was already in a GOOD relationship.
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#18
#18
Maddog said:
All's fair in love and war and may the best man win. If he wins her over then he was clearly the better man.

Just being in a relationship is not binding. No vows have been exchanged and most people have several relationships anyway before they finally marry.
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i agree with this.........
 
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nineperot

Guest
#19
#19
"and most people have several relationships anyway before they finally marry."

Thats one heck of an unfounded claim. what are your sources? your observations? thats not good enough. You cant know and you cant be sure.
 
K

Kay_Kay

Guest
#20
#20
If a guy tried to be friends with me under false pretenses that just shows his manipulative character. If a guy likes a girl he will pursue her; regardless of the "friend" status. This guy proves that by conveniently placing himself into the friendship zone while he awaits the opportunity for her relationship to falter- I really wouldn't be surprised if he tried to step in as soon as the girls boyfriend disappoints her somehow.

Then again, if this girl can't figure out his intentions she's only got herself to blame if she invites problems into her life.
 
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