Married People's Opinions on Singleness: No Thank You.
- Thread starter Crimson_Lark
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There is definitely something to be said for the idea that walking through an experience gives you authority to speak into the lives of others going through that experience. And I think that is one of the huge frustrations this article and Christendom in general sparks for singles, that it's almost always married people telling singles how they should live their single lives (Are there really no single Christians who are qualified to give advice? If so shouldn't someone be seeing that as a huge gap in the church's ministry). And the big problem with that is that they aren't the ones who have to live with the challenges of following their advice. So it's hard to believe a guy who says find your contentment in the promise of eternity, when he's surrounded by his wife and three kids and they're all smiling and happy. He doesn't have to live with the loneliness of coming home to an empty house every night (or the stress of raising kids alone for a single parent). He's probably not facing the emotional toll lack of physical contact or not hearing anyone say I love you for a week or more can have on a person. In short no matter how true the ideas presented might be, it sounds glib and insensitive when people say it without having to deal with the consequences of living it out.
The other thing that can make the article (assuming it is the one sharkwales linked) frustrating for singles is that it's really not about singleness: it's about putting our hope and contentment in God's promise of eternity. Maybe secondarily you can say it's about turning a spouse and children into idols that we derive our happiness and contentment (though that seems like it would be a more pressing concern for married people than singles anyway). To make this an article about singleness then, subtly reinforces a dominant attitude among married Christians that singleness is a problem or at least a condition that would make you less spiritual and more prone to sin. It also implied that we should feel more connection with married Christians because of our faith, than with people who live in the same life circumstances as we do but aren't saved. Which really glosses over the feeling common among single christian adults that church activities are generally for couples and families, not for singles.
Personally I have noticed and appreciated when pastors include singles in their preaching on Christian living rather than preach about singleness. The interim pastor at the church I'm currently attending is really good at this, just throwing in phrases like or your closest friend if your single when giving an example in a sermon.
The other thing that can make the article (assuming it is the one sharkwales linked) frustrating for singles is that it's really not about singleness: it's about putting our hope and contentment in God's promise of eternity. Maybe secondarily you can say it's about turning a spouse and children into idols that we derive our happiness and contentment (though that seems like it would be a more pressing concern for married people than singles anyway). To make this an article about singleness then, subtly reinforces a dominant attitude among married Christians that singleness is a problem or at least a condition that would make you less spiritual and more prone to sin. It also implied that we should feel more connection with married Christians because of our faith, than with people who live in the same life circumstances as we do but aren't saved. Which really glosses over the feeling common among single christian adults that church activities are generally for couples and families, not for singles.
Personally I have noticed and appreciated when pastors include singles in their preaching on Christian living rather than preach about singleness. The interim pastor at the church I'm currently attending is really good at this, just throwing in phrases like or your closest friend if your single when giving an example in a sermon.
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Yes that is most annoying. Once a married guy said we shouldn't be so much on internet. Now he's right, I do need to spend more time with the Lord. He's right but doesn't have the right to tell me. Then he should stop communicating to his wife too. All those useless hours they could spend in prayer. Those kind of married people I like to avoid or the slimy couples with their Facebook pics. Glad I'm in a church with almost only singles.
I agree with you Crimson_Lark!
I believe as human beings we can better relate or empathize with others if we've shared or been through similar experiences...one quick example I can think of is the outrage people had when Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner wrote a speech or described what it was like to be a woman the struggles etc...and to put it as bluntly as I can...no dude you don't know what it's like to be a woman...get over yourself! Or a less extreme example...like depression or cancer in the family...I recall when my mom was diagnosed with Breast cancer I had people try to give me advice and start by saying I understand what you're going through or I can relate...and my first question was ...ok have you had a family member or loved one have cancer? Some replied yes and to the ones that replied no...while I politely listened to what they had to say...in the back of my head I thought...how could you possibly understand what I'm going through if you haven't experienced yourself? Sure, it's true you can learn from other's experiences but emotions, pain, "being there" etc. those kinds of experiences, you can't just learn them through another individual, it needs to be experienced first hand...and personally I believe someone who has experienced such things in that manner or living that situation first hand has much more to offer than someone who relies on wisdom alone...
Think about it would you want marriage advice from someone who has been divorced several times? Or celibacy advice from someone who isn't celibate? Sounds almost hypocritical wouldn't y'all agree?
I believe as human beings we can better relate or empathize with others if we've shared or been through similar experiences...one quick example I can think of is the outrage people had when Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner wrote a speech or described what it was like to be a woman the struggles etc...and to put it as bluntly as I can...no dude you don't know what it's like to be a woman...get over yourself! Or a less extreme example...like depression or cancer in the family...I recall when my mom was diagnosed with Breast cancer I had people try to give me advice and start by saying I understand what you're going through or I can relate...and my first question was ...ok have you had a family member or loved one have cancer? Some replied yes and to the ones that replied no...while I politely listened to what they had to say...in the back of my head I thought...how could you possibly understand what I'm going through if you haven't experienced yourself? Sure, it's true you can learn from other's experiences but emotions, pain, "being there" etc. those kinds of experiences, you can't just learn them through another individual, it needs to be experienced first hand...and personally I believe someone who has experienced such things in that manner or living that situation first hand has much more to offer than someone who relies on wisdom alone...
Think about it would you want marriage advice from someone who has been divorced several times? Or celibacy advice from someone who isn't celibate? Sounds almost hypocritical wouldn't y'all agree?
OP, I can definitely understand how you feel.
OFten times, I wonder how those who are married for x number of decades, and far removed from the dating process and difficulties us single people face these days, can provide any true insight into waiting and dealing with singleness. It always leaves me scratching my head.
But on the flip side of this, there are some famous Christians (eg Michelle McKinney Hammond) who are happily single and write about how and why Christians who are single should be happy that this is their state. When I hear people like these talk, I still scratch my head, wondering how any of them can provide advice when they themselves are in a perpetual state of singleness (whether this be voluntary vs. involuntary is always unclear).
At the end of the day, I realize that I can and have become easily dependent upon what people are saying about my life as a single woman. It's dangerous territory. I'm working on just avoiding these types of discussions altogether, and rather turn my focus, my eyes, on the Cross. Each state that we exist in, whether it be single or married, married w/o kids vs. married w/kids, young vs. old, unemployed vs. employed, etc, requires a different form of sacrifice and refocusing on the Lord and His plan for our lives.
There is no one more qualified to tell me what to do with my time, my focus, my ministry, and my singleness, than Christ, Himself.
OFten times, I wonder how those who are married for x number of decades, and far removed from the dating process and difficulties us single people face these days, can provide any true insight into waiting and dealing with singleness. It always leaves me scratching my head.
But on the flip side of this, there are some famous Christians (eg Michelle McKinney Hammond) who are happily single and write about how and why Christians who are single should be happy that this is their state. When I hear people like these talk, I still scratch my head, wondering how any of them can provide advice when they themselves are in a perpetual state of singleness (whether this be voluntary vs. involuntary is always unclear).
At the end of the day, I realize that I can and have become easily dependent upon what people are saying about my life as a single woman. It's dangerous territory. I'm working on just avoiding these types of discussions altogether, and rather turn my focus, my eyes, on the Cross. Each state that we exist in, whether it be single or married, married w/o kids vs. married w/kids, young vs. old, unemployed vs. employed, etc, requires a different form of sacrifice and refocusing on the Lord and His plan for our lives.
There is no one more qualified to tell me what to do with my time, my focus, my ministry, and my singleness, than Christ, Himself.
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Personally it never crossed my mind about person's experience or status in regards to receiving any kind of advice from. If I find it helpful, then I will take it - if not, then I will just let it go. In fact, the most practical advice I've ever received about being single and what to do with it was from Andy Stanley, who is happily married. If the advice or opinion comes down as a form of 'I am telling you this because I'm experienced, therefore, you should listen' attitude, then it will not work for me no matter how good it is. I guess it really comes down to two things - helpfulness and sincerity of the one giving advice.
Oh I agree! I think she's phenomenal! She's got several older interviews on YouTube and she's amazing to listen to. She lives in Ghana now and has been there for about the past 5-6 years, ever since her father died and left her his home and business. I wish she'd come to the States more often to give lectures. I definitely hear Christ talking though her when she speaks.