Relationships - POV vs POR

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AsifinPassing

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#1
Hey Everyone!

So, a few different interactions I've had recently got me to thinking about what I'm presenting to you in this thread...

In relationships, being whatever they may (friendships, romantic partners, family, working, etc), each person tends to bring certain things to the table (symbolically) every time they interact. We all have varying personality types, moods, ways of seeing things (Point Of View), and experiences or understandings about what something is (Point Of Reference).

An example, for instance:

Let's say someone walks into the room (whatever setting), and says, "You look nice today."

Well, that can actually be taken several ways depending on your POV &/or POR. One person might see that as a compliment: "Oh, thank you!" while another sees it as an insult: "Do I not normally look nice otherwise?!"

Alternately, one might take it as being hit on while another may just hear it as a social courtesy without any particular significance. The list can literally go on and on...



So, with such a diverse field of interaction, how can we, in our relationships:

a) understand where someone else is coming from/what they're trying to say?
b) make our own POV & POR known to another in a non-abrasive way?
c) overcome different POV/POR or miscommunication in a Christ-like way?

I'd like to hear your thoughts, so...Dozo (please go ahead).
 
C

coby2

Guest
#2
It's just being nice. If someone is so stupid to blame the other for saying something nice make a sarcastic joke.
LOL if people don't just understand that they'd have a hard time here in Holland.
My collegue has found a new job, so my other collegue wants to let him know he doesn't like it that he leaves. It's a real nice guy. Yet as guys that is stupid to say, so he called him an NSB-er all the time. An NSB-er was a traitor in WWII who would hand Jews and Dutch people that helped them over to the Nazi's.
Now insulting jokes to let someone know you appreciate them are fun, but this time he went a bit too far.
Lol he said: Jurry Jan didn't like it that I called him an NSB-er all the time. Quiet, noone said anything and everyone thought yeah but you really can't say that.
So I said: Ah Jurry Jan has no sense of humor.
hahahahahahaha
Some expats that come here think the Dutch are rude. It's just a joke.

Just be direct and blunt and don't take everything too serious.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#3
It pays to never assume and always ask questions because different people have different upbringings and not everyone gets your sense of humor or other people have zero sense of humor and get offended easily. There are also some people who think highly of themselves and can not seem to go down to the level of the people they relate to. It seems like they always judge you and find something wrong in anything you say that you feel its better to not say anything at all. I think humility is important in relating to others so you will not always try to judge the intentions of the people you relate with. You can focus on your own intentions rather than always thinking about the reasons why people act the way they do while relating to you.
 
J

JeniBean

Guest
#4
Interesting topic. Years ago this would not even be a thought, as most everyone would say they are being polite and simply acknowledging I look good today. Then the world exploded with we must dissect every little thing someone is saying. Are they being genuine, disrespectful, hitting on me or courteous? Sadly as society has turned to very selfish people and everyone needs to say the right thing or they may be sued or explode at you as your inappropriate. So considering all those things. When someone makes any comment I simply Thank you. The person can think what they want...as in is she being genuine, respectful or courteous.
 
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#5
Hey Everyone!

So, a few different interactions I've had recently got me to thinking about what I'm presenting to you in this thread...

In relationships, being whatever they may (friendships, romantic partners, family, working, etc), each person tends to bring certain things to the table (symbolically) every time they interact. We all have varying personality types, moods, ways of seeing things (Point Of View), and experiences or understandings about what something is (Point Of Reference).

An example, for instance:

Let's say someone walks into the room (whatever setting), and says, "You look nice today."

Well, that can actually be taken several ways depending on your POV &/or POR. One person might see that as a compliment: "Oh, thank you!" while another sees it as an insult: "Do I not normally look nice otherwise?!"

Alternately, one might take it as being hit on while another may just hear it as a social courtesy without any particular significance. The list can literally go on and on...



So, with such a diverse field of interaction, how can we, in our relationships:

a) understand where someone else is coming from/what they're trying to say?
b) make our own POV & POR known to another in a non-abrasive way?
c) overcome different POV/POR or miscommunication in a Christ-like way?

I'd like to hear your thoughts, so...Dozo (please go ahead).

Seek more info by asking questions. Use I language instead of you language. When someone is vulnerable with me I ask them what they want from me in that moment. If they want advice, or just for me to listen. I think it is important to be non judgmental with people. I usually find that when I go this route that they end up inviting me to share my pov or por.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
2,359
113
#6
Let's see, the things I try to implement in my online interactions.

1) Questions - I often state my assumptions as questions that another person can then either confirm or correct

2) Objectivity- I stick to commenting on actions and statements and objective things and try to avoid subjective judgements about character and motivation

3) Clarify possible misunderstandings before taking offense

4) Respect people's right to reject my advice and make their own decision (even if it's dumb) rather than getting upset that they don't want to listen to me.

5) Ignore and let be those who I might not particularly like or get along with but who aren't doing the community any harm
 

Born_Again

Senior Member
Nov 15, 2014
1,581
127
63
#7
Interesting topic. Years ago this would not even be a thought, as most everyone would say they are being polite and simply acknowledging I look good today. Then the world exploded with we must dissect every little thing someone is saying. Are they being genuine, disrespectful, hitting on me or courteous? Sadly as society has turned to very selfish people and everyone needs to say the right thing or they may be sued or explode at you as your inappropriate. So considering all those things. When someone makes any comment I simply Thank you. The person can think what they want...as in is she being genuine, respectful or courteous.
Which is why I even hesitate to compliment anyone. Everyone reads into things. If I tell a girl she looks good today, will she think "Oh i didnt yesterday? or "he must be hitting on me" and that can lead to a whole slew of problems.. i.e.. "He thinks i look nice! We're getting married!!!" See, thats an issue...
 
H

HisHolly

Guest
#8
.. i.e.. "He thinks i look nice! We're getting married!!!" See, thats an issue...
Hilarious and true!!!

These days it's best to keep conversation about about events and such. People are hypersensitive.
 

spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#9
This can be applied to opposite sex friendships.

With my husband and his former female friend, I feel that both of them had different POV and POR.

He wanted to be her friend, but she wanted more, and the more time she spent with him alone at her place, she may have interpreted that as the 2 of them dating. She read their time spent together as the 2 of them dating while he thought of the time they spent together as 2 friends just getting together. This is a good example of why if you are not romantically interested in your opposite sex friend, then limit the time spent alone with them to what is absolutely necessary. Spend time with them in group settings instead.
 

spunkycat08

Senior Member
Dec 7, 2013
403
2
18
#10
Hilarious and true!!!

These days it's best to keep conversation about about events and such. People are hypersensitive.
Less confusion would happen if people just took things at face value.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
13,320
113
#11
I just read the thread title and wondered, "What about POF?"

Oh, never mind... ;)
 

Desdichado

Senior Member
Feb 9, 2014
8,768
837
113
#12
I just read the thread title and wondered, "What about POF?"

Oh, never mind... ;)
How much do you want to bet that POV, POR, and POF are all actual organs of the bureaucratic state...or the military I suppose.
 
Mar 11, 2016
3,055
241
63
Singapore
abigail.pro
#13
...

So, with such a diverse field of interaction, how can we, in our relationships:

a) understand where someone else is coming from/what they're trying to say?
b) make our own POV & POR known to another in a non-abrasive way?
c) overcome different POV/POR or miscommunication in a Christ-like way?

I'd like to hear your thoughts, so...Dozo (please go ahead).
Very interesting. See, this, after all experience and learning, I'm almost absolutely convinced, that everything is subjective (except, of course, the existence of Jesus - that remains a fact that alters everything).

To me, this is a burden so great to bear xD My thoughts have a hard time processing deep inter-relational subjects. But I'll give this a try.

I'll first explain where I'm coming from. See, point of view is birthed from our point of references. Our views are directly affected by what we let in our hearts, (which are our references: what we see, hear and experience) which then travel to our minds and thought lives and become our point of view.

With that said, it is not easy to:

a) understand where someone else is coming from/what they're trying to say?
if we come from completely different background (different points of reference that built up our POV). It takes time and lots of relating to (which can be from direct relating, conversation, or studying similar experiences). But, in relation to mentioned theory (that POVs are birthed from PORs), we have an easier way out.

If we got our POV from our points of references, then taking in others' point of reference, will give us another point of view (and, as a result, give us a hybrid point of view, which is not directly related to this thread). This also answers question b:

b) make our own POV & POR known to another in a non-abrasive way?
Only, there's a shift in roles. In this case, instead of us making the first effort of relating to someone, we take on the secondary role of helping the other party relate to us. They get the responsibility of knowing our points of reference so they have learn our point of view.

It is vital for our own growth to do point A. Point B, not as much. See, and this is an entirely different subject, we can never truly make someone understand us without their consent. And I won't dig deep on that.

Point C... makes all the difference. "In a Christ-like way" is making our point of Reference, Jesus. That's pretty self-explanatory (and I've reached my daily quota of words per post xD).