How do you comfort someone/Would like to be comforted?

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crosstweed

Guest
#1
I've noticed that when someone has something on their mind or is hurting, different people respond to them differently largely based upon how they would prefer to be consoled if they were going through something.

For example:
- Some people's first response is to hug them and tell them it will be okay. (For some people, this is irritating because they want their space to process their feelings and thoughts - not a personal space invasion! How smothering! D= )



- Some people walk away - the other person probably just needs some space to think and maybe privacy if they're grieving. (For some hurting people, this is abandonment - they just wanted a hug! How could you just walk off like that!)



- Some people try to get them to talk to them and explain what's going on and work through it.



- Some people just sit there with them and say little or nothing. If they need to talk, fine. If they just need someone there, fine.



How do you process things and the feelings that accompany them? It can be as small as simply thinking about a decision, to dealing with some frustration, to after you've had a hurtful argument with someone, to something as big as the loss of a family member.

And how does your personal processing/grieving/thinking style effect how you approach others who are grieving, trying to process, or might need comforting?

If someone handles things differently than you, are you able to detect that and go against your natural grain in how you try to help them/show them your support? Or do you often accidentally end up "abandoning" or "smothering" them?
 
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coby2

Guest
#2
Hugging I do with my kids. I don't know how to comfort people. Most of the time I make a stupid joke to cheer up m8, that's how I cheer myself up too. The only one who comforted me was my cat and Louis de Funes movies. Lol and my brother by saying uh huh uh huh and then making a joke. Most of the time I simply back off and let someone else do that.
I did hug people in church years ago who were hurt with ministry, after first someone in a church hugged me with ministry time.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
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#3
I don't have an answer right now (maybe later) but I do want to say, great question!
 
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coby2

Guest
#4
As a kid we had to move and my playmate from 4 was sad. His mother said: he's sad. Go comfort him.
I didn't even know what the word meant and had no idea what she was talking about. I'd sleep over 2 nights but the first night I had to pee and didn't want to wake anyone up, I had to climb over his bed, so I held my pee in as a 5 year old for hours and didn't want to sleep another night there. Poor boy. Go comfort him.

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crosstweed

Guest
#5
I don't have an answer right now (maybe later) but I do want to say, great question!
Thanks! It's very interesting to me how different people process things and interact with one another... I still haven't figured out my own answer, because I seem to process things differently in some ways than I used to.
 
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Faithful_Fay

Guest
#6
My preferred method includes time and distance to process. So ideally, I'd like to be left alone. My family simply doesn't work that way. I think they translate comfort to mean hovering. Over the years, I've learned to compromise and adjust so my version doesn't hurt their feelings or read like a rebuff. But, over the years, they've learned to give me some space.

This taught me me to learn to read people so that you can help comfort them in a way they'd like because even if it's outside of your comfort zone, it's worth it to love and help.
 
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wwjd_kilden

Guest
#7
Hmmmmmmm.

Sometimes I want a hug. Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I want to be left alone.
Most often it's the last option. (I pity the ones trying to figure it all out :p )

I am the huggy type, so I tend to want to hug people. As I am bad at reading people, this can lead to awkward situations.
If I do understand they don't want it, I will back off, and tell them to let me know if they want to talk.
Sometimes inviting the person to go for a walk helps.... it makes it sort of easier as you don't think so much about "should I be saying something?"
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#8
I wing it because of exactly what the OP illustrates - that people have different needs, different personalities, and there are different situations. The one common denominator I avoid like the plague is saying "I'm sorry."
 

hoss2576

Senior Member
May 10, 2014
552
23
18
#9
This may sound simplistic, but I ask. If it is a close friend, yeah I probably know how they feel comforted. If not, I have found I am better off asking if they need space, a hug, just to talk, etc. instead of me doing what I am use to doing. This way I know I am meeting them where they are and giving them what they need.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
13,320
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#10
In terms of receiving comfort, I prefer people to simply offer their presence, rather than jumping into my emotional space. I can take it or leave it. I think I would only accept hugs from a few people (those who I know are 'safe').

When my ex got sick many years ago, several well-meaning people tried to offer support, framed with, "I know how you feel...". I honestly wanted to say to some of them, "You don't have a **** clue how I feel! Go away!" There were a few who did understand, because they had been through something similar. They were the helpful ones, unless they tried to tell me what to do.

That experience taught me to offer a reference point for understanding, such as, "I've been through a divorce too." If I don't have one, I'll say so; that way there is no pretense. I do tend to be a problem solver, so I need to consciously bite my tongue and hold my advice sometimes (unless it is requested), and listen rather than fix. Validating someone's feelings goes a long way, and often that is all that's needed.

Of course, as I'm reviewing what I've written, I'm curious as to whether that's what I actually do (and whether it comes across as intended), or if it's just what I aspire to do.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
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Philippines Age 40
#11
Compassion is a language that is often times misunderstood because everyone shows it in the only way that he knows and most people wear masks. But those who pay attention are those who find joy because they see beyond the surface.
 
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crosstweed

Guest
#14
LOL Was waiting for someone to post the sushi roll!
 
Mar 11, 2016
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Singapore
abigail.pro
#15
It really depends on the situation and on the person I'm trying to comfort. It really helps to ask for wisdom in dealing with the more complicated types of people xD. I usually just ask what it is they need, but if they're the type that don't open up... My patience hasn't fully developed (God's working on it!) xD and sometimes I get annoyed and leave them until they ask for help or they get over it.

As for me getting comforted, I really appreciate those people who are just 'there'. No words, no hugging, I like dealing with my problems alone but knowing that someone is just 'there' gives me security and makes me wanna face a new day. And Jesus meets that. xD
 
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Miri

Guest
#17
I think the key is to try and pick up on what the person is saying themselves.
Can be tricky on line though.

If they ask for prayer, then pray (don't start lecturing them. Lol).

If they ask for specific things then prayer for those unless you think
they might be wrong or mis guided to ask for them - like a million pound etc. Lol

Note what age and what gender they are, a young person who worries about finding
a job and living with their parents, will have a different perspective and different
circumstances than someone who is older and looking for a job.

If they seem depressed try to sympathise and encourage, but don't go over the top.
There is nothing worse than being depressed and a jolly person saying never mind it
could be worse, or cheer up.

Oh and never ever ever say to anyone, it might never happened. Because frequently
it does or it already has. :) I can't believe the number of times I heard that said to
people in hospital of all places.
 
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coby2

Guest
#18
In terms of receiving comfort, I prefer people to simply offer their presence, rather than jumping into my emotional space. I can take it or leave it. I think I would only accept hugs from a few people (those who I know are 'safe').

When my ex got sick many years ago, several well-meaning people tried to offer support, framed with, "I know how you feel...". I honestly wanted to say to some of them, "You don't have a **** clue how I feel! Go away!" There were a few who did understand, because they had been through something similar. They were the helpful ones, unless they tried to tell me what to do.

That experience taught me to offer a reference point for understanding, such as, "I've been through a divorce too." If I don't have one, I'll say so; that way there is no pretense. I do tend to be a problem solver, so I need to consciously bite my tongue and hold my advice sometimes (unless it is requested), and listen rather than fix. Validating someone's feelings goes a long way, and often that is all that's needed.

Of course, as I'm reviewing what I've written, I'm curious as to whether that's what I actually do (and whether it comes across as intended), or if it's just what I aspire to do.
Oh my ex almost died after the divorce and my son was 4 or so. I had to comfort him. I like practical comfort. Don't worry, he'll stay alive, let's go pray. We prayed very hard. So glad that at least he stayed alive.
There was a woman on a Dutch forum who was remarried to a widower. She was divorced but had to shut up about it and no contact and he just kept the clothes and wedding pictures and his parents had their marriage pic on the wall. She felt like a second Betty. They were all mad at her that she was so insensitive, noone comforted her. I was the only one who understood her and could comfort her being another iceblock. She didn't need a: oh sweety, poor thing, my insensitive comments made her feel better. I'd hang a pic from my dead cat on the wall I said. The others got mad. It's how I am. I replaced my twin brother with a cat. My dad said: I sure thought she was gonna marry that cat.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#19
This is how I prefer to be comforted, and also how I would like to comfort others.

"In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets."
(Matthew 7:12 NASB)


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coby2

Guest
#20
This is how I prefer to be comforted, and also how I would like to comfort others.

"In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets."
(Matthew 7:12 NASB)


View attachment 147876
Yes but Dutch never hug. They keep their arm straight with a handshake. James Jordan came to Holland. He said: you can't give what you don't have. It was a church torn apart, fights and I just had a major thing with my ex who was also an ice block. I stayed with my parents and went to that service. Then he hugged all those people. Everybody healed up. It was so weird. Later we did that in church too. Really healed me up and all those people got healed up.