Guys, What Are Your Thoughts On Feeling Protected Within a Relationship?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I know it's unrealistic to ask guys to publicly spill their thoughts about what makes them feel protected, so if you give me a few minutes, I'm going to create an anonymous, multiple choice poll.

The poll won't be perfect, but I'm trying to work with what the system allows. Please be aware that there will be some "choices" that are actually new questions, and options for the answers will be listed below the questions.

I have often thought about the fact that for many guys, the last time they may have ever felt someone was looking out for them was when they were living at home with their families. And in some cases, the most unsafe place in the world just might have been the home situation they were brought up in. But guys are human beings all the same, and, whether they feel they can admit it or not, I'm sure they all have times when they wish someone had their back, too.

A long time ago, when I was dating the guy I eventually married, he got a phone call one night while he was visiting me at my school. I knew something was wrong as soon as he answered, and when he got off the phone, he crumbled into one of those silent expressions of agony that speaks louder than words. I didn't know what else to do but fold my arms around him and wait until he could tell me what was going on.

I admit that I'm very much "like a guy" in times of crisis. My first reaction is to address the emotion; my second instinct is to kick into, "Let's Fix This" mode, and so I told him this was what we were going to do: we were going to pool our money together and find a way for him to go visit his family and get a few things straightened out.

I have more than my fair share of weaknesses but there are days when I dream of being strong. If I could create a movie poster for my idea of a relationship, one of the versions of the poster would be of me looking like Linda Hamilton from Terminator 2 (hey, it's just a daydream! ) with one arm around my guy, and the other holding a big gun. This would be my way of telling someone, "You don't have to be so strong all the time. Every now and then, it's my turn to be on watch, too."

I often think of how intimidating--and lonely--it must be for young guys to leave the protection of their families' households... and then suddenly be expected to be strong enough to provide for and support not only themselves, but a spouse and children as well.

Gentlemen, the questions I'd like to ask you are in the poll. Remember, this poll is ANONYMOUS (no one will know that you answered) and multiple choice, so you can choose as many answers as you'd like. Again, some of the "choices" in the poll are actually the questions, so please look for the choices of answers below each question.

Everyone is also most welcome to post thoughts here if they would like to. For instance (and please just write general answers if it's more comfortable--I'm never asking anyone to bear their soul in a thread):

* How can we, as Christians, raise young men to feel protected enough to feel confident about protecting their own families someday?

* What can we ladies do to help make the guys feel as if they're not alone, and that it's ok to lean on others when they need to?

* Ladies, what things do you do, or would you do, to make your boyfriend/husband feel protected?

As I said, I know it's probably uncomfortable to talk about this subject regarding your own feelings or life. It might be easier to think of this in terms of a younger relative, such as, how would you want your younger sister, brother, niece, nephew, etc., to be raised in order to feel protected? And, to later grow up to be a protector themselves?

I'm looking forward to your answers! Please give me a few minutes to create the poll.

 

[seoulsearch]

I just realized I wrote "bear their soul" instead of "bare their soul."

I think I'm going to need some protection...

From the grammar and spelling police.

 

[AsifinPassing]

Answer: Always and Never. I know God is and have seen him literally protect my life so many times I've lost count. I know I have parents, friends, and even coworkers/church family/acquaintances that look out for me pretty often. I've had to look at for myself at times. I have moments of attack and moments of shielding. It's hard for me to say, really:

The authoritative answer is that I feel safe in God's keeping (really and truly), but there are times I feel like this too:

[video=youtube;zzh-buZbYNg]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzh-buZbYNg[/video]


What makes me feel protected? Hm... That's a good question. Maybe the knowledge (via experience) that someone is going to be patient, long-suffering, and intending good for me in every situation. That this person will stick with me through whatever comes (devotion), and sometimes he/she will take the literal or proverbial hit for the team in my place.

Answer #3: Depends on the day. Sometimes I'm Die Hard, Terminator, and Sinbad...taking on the world against the odds...

Other days I'm more like Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon or Shrek from the same title. Some days I can be Columbus from Zombie Land... It really does just depend on my mood, frame of mind, and some other complex set of variables. My personality type is 'the protector' though, so I do have natural inclinations toward that direction.

Answer 4: I really don't know. I assume everyone wants to feel protected or safe in a relationship (because the person we're closest and most open with is given the greatest potential for harm), but don't necessarily put that into words.

In the case of my family and best friend, for instance, I know they've got my back and I've got theirs...so yeah, I guess it's an important part of what I'd consider a healthy relationship.

 

[BruceWayne]

I don't feel the need to be protected. Maybe that's weird idk lol. I tend to keep things to myself and deal with things on my own. For me, it's always been more important that the person I'm in a relationship with feels protected.

 

[Lynx]

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
[SUP]9 [/SUP]Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.

[SUP]10 [/SUP]For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.

[SUP]11 [/SUP]Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?

[SUP]12 [/SUP]And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.


I was a bit nervous about the recent trip I took to east TN. It was just across the state, but I was nervous anyway. A vehicle could break down at any time y'know. I'm accustomed to having my family here to call on if I need a ride. Not that it happens often, but if I get off work and go out to my car and it doesn't start, I know I can call up uncle Fred or Grandma or someone to give me a ride home. And they know they can ask me to help them out if they need it.

I, having been ever single, am probably not the best one to speak about this matter. But it seems to me that is the best protection in a relationship - there are two standing instead of one. If one needs help it is a matter of fact one can count on the other, and the other knows the same is true in reverse.

Genesis 2:23-24

[SUP]23 [/SUP]And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
[SUP]24 [/SUP]Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This means more than just company. It means there are two facing the world instead of one. Most importantly it means one does not have to be strong all the time. When one grows weary THERE IS STILL SOMEONE TO BE STRONG.

 

[Demi777]

I feel protected when I get a hug when I am not well

 

[cinder]

Hey Everyone,

* How can we, as Christians, raise young men to feel protected enough to feel confident about protecting their own families someday?

* What can we ladies do to help make the guys feel as if they're not alone, and that it's ok to lean on others when they need to?

* Ladies, what things do you do, or would you do, to make your boyfriend/husband feel protected?

Well I have a younger brother who left the church because he felt he couldn't be a good enough Christian, and both my own experiences and just the general vibe of churches is that we expect people (especially those who've been doing the God thing for a while) to not fail. One of the best things we could do as Christians is to create and environment where we aren't shocked by failures or sin and are more concerned with restoring people who've fallen. Even churches I've been in that offer good support for those in difficulty tend to just have an atmosphere that makes me feel like church people are the last people I want to admit and confide my struggles to.

Ladies can listen and can be accepting and collaborative (and maybe a bit of the partner in fixing) when a guy is struggling. The stereotype at least is that too many women are busy telling their men how they should be better, rather than helping them become better. A guy doesn't want to have to deal with feeling like he's a disappointment to his gal when he's dealing with a bunch of other crap as well.

I seem to have a personality that makes me a "safe space" for a lot of guys. Maybe it's because I'm kind of impassive so even if I'm shocked, I just ask questions to try to clarify where they are at, rather than looking shocked and expressing it. And I naturally default to problem solving. I would like to think that in a relationship I would be the constant cheerleader who is always seeing and calling out the good stuff in my guy and steadfast in my belief that he has the ability to become an even better and more godly man. I'd also try to respect his freedom of choice, not keep going over where I think he's made the wrong decision. But that theory is untested. Someone should make a book of all the "how to have a good relationship" advice I give to give back to me if and when I'm ever in a relationship of my own.

 

[JosephsDreams]

Guys want to feel their wives, fiance's, or even serious GF's have their backs. That is a universal. Conversely, I don't know one man worth their salt who won't do the same.

 

[seoulsearch]

I wanted to take a minute to give the guys here major chops.

Here I thought people would answer the poll and not really post (which is what usually happens with polls), but this is the first time I've seen more posting than poll-answering!!! Y'all are awesome.

I'm really in awe of the guys who have taken the time to share their thoughts here. I always hope these kinds of discussions can help people understand each others' needs and how to serve them better, especially between the genders.

Please, everyone, both guys and girls, keep on sharing/adding more thoughts. And, many thanks to those who already have.

 

[Lynx]

Guys want to feel their wives, fiance's, or even serious GF's have their backs. That is a universal. Conversely, I don't know one man worth their salt who won't do the same.

*sigh*

Here I put so much thought and effort into my post, and then JosephsDreams says the same thing in three sentences. Had to give it a "like."

 

[seoulsearch]

*sigh*

Here I put so much thought and effort into my post, and then JosephsDreams says the same thing in three sentences. Had to give it a "like."

Don't feel bad, Lynx.

I know a lot of people here who can sum up what I want to say in 3 sentences, too, while everyone knows it takes ME 3 pages.

And, I never hear the end of it, either!

 

[Yeraza_Bats]

I admit that I'm very much "like a guy" in times of crisis. My first reaction is to address the emotion; my second instinct is to kick into, "Let's Fix This" mode, and so I told him this was what we were going to do: we were going to pool our money together and find a way for him to go visit his family and get a few things straightened out.

I have more than my fair share of weaknesses but there are days when I dream of being strong. If I could create a movie poster for my idea of a relationship, one of the versions of the poster would be of me looking like Linda Hamilton from Terminator 2 (hey, it's just a daydream! ) with one arm around my guy, and the other holding a big gun. This would be my way of telling someone, "You don't have to be so strong all the time. Every now and then, it's my turn to be on watch, too."

I thought this was all really awesome : p

And haha, well I mean I never really consider the actual idea of like being physically protected : p But like, if I were with a girl, I would 100% want her to have my back. I would want her to stick up for me (to an extent) if someone were insulting me or doing me wrong in some way, Id want her to warn me if she thought someone wanted to harm me, Id want her to be there to take care of me if I were to get injured, that kinda junk, definitely : p If a girl I were with were willing to do those things for me, Id feel way happy to be with her Im sure : p

But yeah, the idea of the girl you were with having that desire to protect you as well is way awesome. Yeah obviously Im not gonna tell her to beat up my bullies, thats not what I mean in any way : p Just the idea that a girl would love you that much that shed feel that way about you would be awesome.

 

[peacenik]

Don't expect too many honest answers from men in this thread because it addresses a subject I discussed last week and which went unanswered:


http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/135424-singleness-blessing-curse-2.html#post2618883



Contrary to what so many people believe in this society, it is young men, not young women, who are the most vulnerable people. Ever since I moved into Minnesota many years ago, we have had a long spate of missing young men who are never found. When this happens to women it gets big headlines. When it happens to men, it is largely ignored. This fact, along with what I wrote in the above post, proves that it is men who need more protection than do women. This may not square with one's "politically correct" views. But it is a sad and true reality.

 

[Yeraza_Bats]

I remember an episode of Hey Arnold, it was made twice, once before the show had came on air, and another within the first season of the show. But in the episode Harold, a bully, goes to beat up Arnold. And when he does Helga steps out in front of Arnold and tells him not to touch him. Haha I really liked that part : p

(its the same episode where Helga stands out in front of Arnolds home and counts down the time until he dies : p )

 

[peacenik]

My PC is kinda goofy today and the link I posted above in my reply does not appear on my screen. If that is the same on your screen go to post #35 in "Singleness ..."

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Don't expect too many honest answers from men in this thread because it addresses a subject I discussed last week and which went unanswered:


http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/135424-singleness-blessing-curse-2.html#post2618883



Contrary to what so many people believe in this society, it is young men, not young women, who are the most vulnerable people. Ever since I moved into Minnesota many years ago, we have had a long spate of missing young men who are never found. When this happens to women it gets big headlines. When it happens to men, it is largely ignored. This fact, along with what I wrote in the above post, proves that it is men who need more protection than do women. This may not square with one's "politically correct" views. But it is a sad and true reality.

Your OP you linked to was very interesting and insightful. Although I do disagree with your premise that it is men who need more protection. I agree that single young men are ripe for the acceptance of basically any group/ideology that provides them things that society at large does not give them. It can be good things like fraterneties or groups formed based on healthy shared interests......or it can manifest in a bad way like gangs or some form of radical extremism.

When men do not get what they need from society they either create it for themselves or unfortunately get led astray into dangerous ideologies that prey upon the unmet needs. If the young men in question aren't Christians, there really is no way to prevent those inevitabilites when society isn't functioning properly. They already feel disenfranchised so that damage has already been done. I can't see how someone can be protected from something that already happened.

 

[crosstweed]

* What can we ladies do to help make the guys feel as if they're not alone, and that it's ok to lean on others when they need to?

* Ladies, what things do you do, or would you do, to make your boyfriend/husband feel protected?

I don't know if I've ever considered objectively what to do to make someone feel protected in the active sense; it's always been very important to me that people feel safe around me, though, and specially applies to the area of a significant other. I want very much to be a worthy safe place for people.

Thinking about it, I think I tend to see vulnerable areas in a person's character and try to provide support and a sense of security in those areas. When someone observes vulnerable/weak areas/insecurities in my life and they go out of their way to support and encourage me in those areas, they have quietly let me know without embarrassing me that they see the weak spots and they love me anyway and don't judge me for having them and that they're there for me if I need them. That's definitely a trust builder, and makes me feel safe, and because that's what makes me feel safe I think I tend to try and replicate that with others.

 

[Born_Again]

This has to be the loosest use of the word "protected" i have ever seen. LOL

 

[melita916]

Ladies, what things do you do, or would you do, to make your boyfriend/husband feel protected?

i always want my boyfriend to feel safe to share with me whatever is on his mind/heart. if he's having a bad day, i don't pressure him to tell me what's wrong. i remind him i'm ready to listen when he's ready to share. i remind him he's a good man and that Holy Spirit is in him and with him. i encourage him always. i guess the way i protect him is by him feeling safe to be who he is. we constantly tell each other we are a team i never talk down to him or insult him.

this reminds me of one time i was out to lunch with friends from church. there is a newish dating couple. i've known him for a while, but i don't know her very well. as we were all talking, i overheard her say to him, "ugh i hate you!" i could tell in her voice she wasn't being serious at all, but hearing her say this to her boyfriend made me cringe. i can't find myself to say that to my sweetie. i try to convince myself that is how they roll. i guess? idk.

 

[peacenik]

Your OP you linked to was very interesting and insightful. Although I do disagree with your premise that it is men who need more protection. I agree that single young men are ripe for the acceptance of basically any group/ideology that provides them things that society at large does not give them. It can be good things like fraterneties or groups formed based on healthy shared interests......or it can manifest in a bad way like gangs or some form of radical extremism.

When men do not get what they need from society they either create it for themselves or unfortunately get led astray into dangerous ideologies that prey upon the unmet needs. If the young men in question aren't Christians, there really is no way to prevent those inevitabilites when society isn't functioning properly. They already feel disenfranchised so that damage has already been done. I can't see how someone can be protected from something that already happened.

Thanks for your reply and your open mindedness in considering what I wrote.

Bear in mind that many of these youths are "Christian", that is in name only. Christian because their parents may be of that origin. But not so in practice which is far more significant than merely calling oneself so.

As Imam Sam (the Minneapolis Muslim teacher who stopped the radical Muslims from their indoctrination of local disenfranchised youth) said - his religion, like that of all others, MUST embrace single men who, whether anyone believes it or not, definitely are the most vulnerable demographic in this society. It is single men who are the highest rate of drug users, alcoholics, suicides, crime victims, gang members, spend more time in prison for the same crimes that others spend far less time, and have the shortest life spans of any group. All this proves that it is they who are most vulnerable, contrary to popular beliefs or myths. Thus, it is they who are most in need of protection and strengthening.


On another thread (sorry, I forget which it was), a poster said her church has plenty of support groups for women. This is true of many churches. But how many do you know of that have support groups for single men? I don't know of any. As I wrote previously, if you want to end the evil presence of radical terrorists, of drug gangs, of hate groups, of suicide cults, or whatever, then you must protect those who are most vulnerable to these evil influences

Again, which social demographic is most vulnerable? Single men. Protect them more than any other group and we shall have a far more stable, ordered, and safer society.