Dating versus Hanging Out-- Ethics and Emotional Pain

[presidente]

I'm married, but I may be doing some writing, and I wanted the perspective of some singles who are a bit younger than I am.

I recall watching a movie based on a Charles Dickens novel. Back then, men interested in marrying a woman would go to her house on Sunday afternoon. The main character went to a woman's home. Another male suitor was there. She eventually accepted a proposal from the other man.

At another point in the movie, men were discussing the possibility that a girl had formed an 'attachment' to him that he did not intend. He expressed regret over it, and wondered if he had treated her wrongly. I thought this was interesting, that in English culture 150 years ago, it was considered unethical to lead a woman on, even with the much more innocent courtship rituals they had. There were a lot of 'group date' type situations in the period-piece novels from around 1800 up through this time. (I don't actually read the books, but I've seen a few Charles Dickens and Jane Austen films).

I was thinking about some of the dating customs these days in this regard. I hear a lot of young men will just as a girl to 'hang out.' It is really unclear if they are dating or just hanging out as friends. I had a friend a year or two older than I am who did that back in the 1990's, so it is not a new thing. It took him a long time to get engaged. We had dinner and his wife said it took a long time to figure it out for her.

So I am wondering, does just 'hanging out' and nothing coming of it have a greater negative impact than a man asking a woman out on a 'date', and then he doesn't pursue the relationship? I'm thinking of a man who says, "I'd like to take you out." Maybe he shows up with flowers, opens the door, pays for the meal, and things like that. If he does that and doesn't ask for a second date, is that more emotionally painful than just 'hanging out', where it is unclear if he likes her, and not moving forward with a romantic relationship?

 

[BruceWayne]

That depends on how the date went. If it went well, then I think that would have more of a negative impact than just hanging out, because the hopes and uncertainty of just hanging out can turn into expectations and attachments.

I can't speak for girls, but not getting called back seems like it would be more crushing than something that never was.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I'm married, but I may be doing some writing, and I wanted the perspective of some singles who are a bit younger than I am.

I'm thinking of a man who says, "I'd like to take you out." Maybe he shows up with flowers, opens the door, pays for the meal, and things like that. If he does that and doesn't ask for a second date, is that more emotionally painful than just 'hanging out', where it is unclear if he likes her, and not moving forward with a romantic relationship?

It's more of a noncommital way of getting to know someone. Just hang out, see if you like each other. No guy I have ever known would dress up or bring flowers just to hang out. I don't even know of anyone who would bring flowers on a first date, even if he asked her to go on a date the more traditional way infront of all her friends to milk that extra oomph out of the request.

 

[MollyConnor]

As a girl, I think it would hurt me more to go out on a date and not have him call back, than it would to just hang out with him. I would wonder why he didn't call or if I did/said something wrong. I would most likely blame myself.

I want to add though that I did hang out with a guy I really liked once from church. I thought that maybe it was going to be something more, but apparently he just saw me as a friend. I was head over heels already when he told me that he and his girlfriend were about to celebrate their 1 year anniversary...

So guys, I think the OP is on to something here. Be careful not to lead girls on. And girls don't lead them on either if you're not into him.

 

[cinder]

I was thinking about some of the dating customs these days in this regard. I hear a lot of young men will just as a girl to 'hang out.' It is really unclear if they are dating or just hanging out as friends. I had a friend a year or two older than I am who did that back in the 1990's, so it is not a new thing. It took him a long time to get engaged. We had dinner and his wife said it took a long time to figure it out for her.

So I am wondering, does just 'hanging out' and nothing coming of it have a greater negative impact than a man asking a woman out on a 'date', and then he doesn't pursue the relationship? I'm thinking of a man who says, "I'd like to take you out." Maybe he shows up with flowers, opens the door, pays for the meal, and things like that. If he does that and doesn't ask for a second date, is that more emotionally painful than just 'hanging out', where it is unclear if he likes her, and not moving forward with a romantic relationship?

Well they talk about an extended adolescence and a blurring of gender and gender roles and I think both of those things make relating to the opposite sex a whole lot more confusing. It's like we threw out the script of the 1800's (or even the 1950's) and now we're all winging it without a script.

Which is more painful? Well I bookmarked an article that (I think it was) spunky cat shared about "Not your Buddy" which basically says that if a lot of time ( more than 2 hours per week is the suggested guideline) is being spent 1 on 1 someone is going to be wondering exactly where on the good friend to want to date you spectrum the relationships stands. From personal experience I can affirm that getting along with and spending repeated 1 to 1 time with a guy does raise those questions, it doesn't mean a relationship should or has to develop, but it does mean that your lives and emotions are becoming part of each others worlds. But it's so much easier to keep things in limbo than actually talk about being a couple and committing to each other (even if it's just a commitment to date each other). There comes a time when we should all ask ourselves, if I want to keep this person in my life so much, why am I not dating them?

But these days, most of us meet potential dates in places where we have to interact with each other even if a relationship goes bad. So there's a bigger risk, and again what a date means varies widely. If we both understood up front that this was kind of a try out some 1 on 1 time to see how well we complement each other, then I think it would be no big deal. But if it was a, "I'm really interested in you" and then nothing after the first date, that's getting hopes up only to crush them. And without a clean break the situation can end up really confused anyway. In an if you like me so much why don't you like me kind of way.

And of course all this assumes you're trying to live life fairly biblically and not even entertaining ideas like friends with benefits, which I imagine only muddies the waters more. Bottom line I guess is if you are repeatedly spending one on one time with someone and think they might be getting the wrong idea, talk about what 1 on 1 time means to each of you and be willing to limit your time together if necessary for your emotional health.

 

[shineyourlight]

So I am wondering, does just 'hanging out' and nothing coming of it have a greater negative impact than a man asking a woman out on a 'date', and then he doesn't pursue the relationship?

I don't think so. I've hung out with guys just us two and I wasn't impacted by it and neither was he. I have a few guy friends that I do movie nights with on occasion and nothing is there.

I am probably one of the few people that believe that women and men can actually JUST be friends. I understand that people might disagree and that's completely okay.

However, I do agree with Molly and I do think that if someone is actually hung up on a guy while hanging out or vice versa....it can hurt when there's not a call back because one party is expecting one thing while the other party isn't. When we have a "crush" or interested in someone, and we hang out....we put these weird expectations on the other person to treat us in a certain way. I think it's pretty unfair for the other party.

I'm thinking of a man who says, "I'd like to take you out." Maybe he shows up with flowers, opens the door, pays for the meal, and things like that. If he does that and doesn't ask for a second date, is that more emotionally painful than just 'hanging out', where it is unclear if he likes her, and not moving forward with a romantic relationship?

Now THIS, I think WOULD be absolutely painful if I didn't get a call back after that. However, I know that dates may not always have the chemistry and if there wasn't chemistry, my feelings wouldn't be hurt. But if I did like him and he just didn't like me afterwards, I would feel hurt. No one likes the feel or rejection. So yes, I do believe that it can be more emotionally painful. However, it really all depends. Because if I'm hanging out with a guy that I like and also go on a date with a guy I like, and neither one wants anything to do with me afterwards, I would think that would be as equally painful. But if I'm hanging out with a guy with no feelings, and then date a guy who doesn't call me afterwards when I liked them, the latter would be more painful.

I guess it really all depends.

 

[spunkycat08]

This is what my husband and his former female friend experienced when he and I dated as well as after we got engaged.

The replies in this particular thread remind me of her behavior.

She ended up moving out of the apartment complex we live at a couple of years after first becoming his friend.

My husband received a Facebook message roughly a year ago from her stating that 1) she was sorry for all of the problems she caused with their friendship, 2) she was seeing a Christian counselor regarding her many issues, and 3) she cannot be friends with him.

 

[presidente]

Here are some random responses to comments on the thread and some other thoughts:

Showing up on a woman's door step with flowers for a first date is a little over the top, IMO, unless it's a prom. If she already really likes him, she'd probably appreciate it, though.

But if she really likes him, I wonder if him just asking her to 'hang out' and keep it as friends or keep it as unclear is just about as painful as the other scenario.

The reason I ask is because I think our whole courtship culture is messed up. Economically, it is not practical to marry for at least a few years into one's 20's for most people. A farmer who's dad gave him some land or who homesteaded could have been fairly independent between the ages of 16 to 18, and men marrying that young probably wasn't ever really the norm in the US.

But what does the western world do? I'm writing from a US perspective. Schools have dances for middle school children. Children as young as 10 have boyfriends and girlfriends and the parents just think it's cute. Some parents let their daughters go off in a car alone with a boy in the dark at night when she is 15 or 16. Dating is seen as recreation. The parents don't think these kids have a snow ball's chance in the Sahara of marrying, yet they'll let them date. It sets the kids up for fornication and heartbreak. And of course, fornication is a cultural norm, and virgins are seen as strange. Our dating culture is a real mess, and we have plenty of single moms and children raised in broken homes as evidence of this.

There are plenty of people in their 20's who think it's okay just to date for fun, aimlessly. For fornicators who are willing to shack up and change partners after a while, this seems normal. But some Christians will engage in recreational dating that isn't geared toward marriage, and we are supposed to know that we are not supposed to fornicate. Why would a Christian man waste a woman's child-bearing years dating her if he isn't seriously considering marrying her? And why would a Christian woman waste a Christian man's money on food and entertainment if she isn't seriously considering marrying him?

Since our culture is so messed up, I am considering what are fairly recent ancestors did. Courtship used to be marriage focused. Chaperones were required (at least in English culture according to Jane Austen-- a fictional window into the past). In Gone with the Wind Rhett Butler had gotten a bad reputation for taking a girl out on a buggy ride without a chaperone and not marrying her.

As far as leading women on goes, I wonder if the 'hang out' thing is a more ethical approach than dating. If she really likes him, though, the ambiguity of his intentions may cause her frustration. I'm wondering if the heartbreak is less if he shows interest in another woman than if he were formally dating her. In those 1800's films, a group of singles, including chaperones, would go out on excursions together. I wonder if 'group dating' is the best way for a single man to get to know a potential love interest without leading her on. He can get to know what she is like beyond looks by interacting with her socially. Nowadays, the could be parties, get togethers, and going out for lunch after church. If he likes her, he could see if there is an opportunity to get to know her family without dating her, and get her to know his. That gives them a chance to do due diligence.

Come to think of it, I didn't call it 'hanging out', but I did tell my wife when we first started talking to each other on the phone that I wanted us to be just friends. Someone had given me a word, presented as a kind of prophetic word, that I wasn't to date until I met my wife. My wife had told the Lord that she didn't want to date until she met her husband. So we were 'just friends' until I felt dishonest introducing her as a friend, and she meant a lot more than that to me. Of course, they do that in her country until they are engaged, but I didn't know that. We ate dinner together just about every night, went to church together, and spent great amounts of time together as 'just friends.' But we never broke up or anything like that, so it did not lead to heartbreak. We both sensed that we might have met our spouses after our first conversation. I went home to pray about it. She wrote her prayer in her prayer journal that night and showed it to me after I asked her to marry me.

 

[maxima]

I think you made a point here but in a show of sense i would rather not have someone making a cajole of theirselves if one was asked to hang out.From the start when you accepted to hang there should be a zero expectation in the sense that you are just ask to hang out and what ever that could have made one to feel emotionally painful should ensue from what resulted from the convos they had ,I mean conversation ,and if they started liking each other or showing some signs of chemistry of compatibility from the first day and may be had a great time and agreed to meet or fix another day for something close to what great moment they had at the first meeting and suddenly no one called back to check on the other person ,then that is when it will hurt so much because one is in the high spirit of expectancy and that is where it all begins to hurt.Its always good to just take it casual no matter who asks to hang out so if at at the end it goes down well for another then one takes it from there.

 

[maxima]

I think you made a point here but in a show of sense i would rather not have someone making a cajole of theirselves if one was asked to hang out.From the start when you accepted to hang there should be a zero expectation in the sense that you are just ask to hang out and what ever that could have made one to feel emotionally painful should ensue from what resulted from the convos they had ,I mean conversation ,and if they started liking each other or showing some signs of chemistry of compatibility from the first day and may be had a great time and agreed to meet or fix another day for something close to what great moment they had at the first meeting and suddenly no one called back to check on the other person ,then that is when it will hurt so much because one is in the high spirit of expectancy and that is where it all begins to hurt.Its always good to just take it casual no matter who asks to hang out so if at at the end it goes down well for another then one takes it from there. Besides I don't buy the idea of one showing up with a flower in the first time ,that could be abysmal.Well for Africans ,we have a way of leading a life in either getting to know someone new or trying to know them.There is always this fear which can't have you walk up to someone with a flower in hand ,I think it's mostly not a pattern that we buttressed . I wish that we be predominant here in Africa

 

[presidente]

The idea that Englishmen had in the 1800s, based on watching TV versions of 19th century fictional literature (which makes me some kind of expert ), is that the man had an ethical duty to try to avoid a girl from forming an emotional 'attachment' to him if he weren't going to marry her.

 

[cinder]

The idea that Englishmen had in the 1800s, based on watching TV versions of 19th century fictional literature (which makes me some kind of expert ), is that the man had an ethical duty to try to avoid a girl from forming an emotional 'attachment' to him if he weren't going to marry her.

Well I would agree that a guy has a moral duty to not intentionally lead a girl on. Some girls be crazy or just super lonely and saying hello to them more than once might cause them to start forming an attachment; no guy should feel guilty because desperate lonely girl didn't know how to appropriately respond to common courtesy and kindness. But there's nothing decent and honorable about knowing the girl is longing for any little crumb of affection you'll give her and stringing her along without any intention of being more than friends. Good test: if she got a boyfriend (or you got a girlfriend) tomorrow, would the way you interact with her need to change?

 

[spunkycat08]

What is needed in this situation is upfront communication on both sides.

If something about the situation does not feel right, then you need to turn to God about it.

I wished that my husband did that regarding his former female friend.

 

[JustWhoIAm]

Things are not always as they seem.

The rose was a symbol - I would have given in good time to the girl but... God kept that from happening in his way (There are many things involved and still happening that the public has not been made aware of).

For the miscommunication I apologize. For my unwillingness to disobey my Father I cannot (indeed, the second is the core of the issue in these times).

Just a memo to Autumn (Lucy/Aki).

 

[Messy]

The idea that Englishmen had in the 1800s, based on watching TV versions of 19th century fictional literature (which makes me some kind of expert ), is that the man had an ethical duty to try to avoid a girl from forming an emotional 'attachment' to him if he weren't going to marry her.

I would never just hang out with a guy alone. I protect myself. If I'm sure he won't marry me anyway, what's the use?

 

[melita916]

years ago, i had a crush on a guy. he and i were good friends. texted from time to time. we always joked around saying one owed coffee to the other. one day, as he and i were texting, i mentioned he owed me coffee (we took turns with the joke). he said, "well, let's meet up tomorrow." this was a first for our friendship. we were always in group settings, so this was stepping out of the norm.

we went for the coffee. i think we were there for like 1.5 hrs.

that was the one and only time it happened. i understood he wasn't interested lol. it was just 2 friends who went out for coffee. was i disappointed? a little bit. but meh. lol

 

[Rosesrock]

I'm married, but I may be doing some writing, and I wanted the perspective of some singles who are a bit younger than I am.

I recall watching a movie based on a Charles Dickens novel. Back then, men interested in marrying a woman would go to her house on Sunday afternoon. The main character went to a woman's home. Another male suitor was there. She eventually accepted a proposal from the other man.

At another point in the movie, men were discussing the possibility that a girl had formed an 'attachment' to him that he did not intend. He expressed regret over it, and wondered if he had treated her wrongly. I thought this was interesting, that in English culture 150 years ago, it was considered unethical to lead a woman on, even with the much more innocent courtship rituals they had. There were a lot of 'group date' type situations in the period-piece novels from around 1800 up through this time. (I don't actually read the books, but I've seen a few Charles Dickens and Jane Austen films).

I was thinking about some of the dating customs these days in this regard. I hear a lot of young men will just as a girl to 'hang out.' It is really unclear if they are dating or just hanging out as friends. I had a friend a year or two older than I am who did that back in the 1990's, so it is not a new thing. It took him a long time to get engaged. We had dinner and his wife said it took a long time to figure it out for her.

So I am wondering, does just 'hanging out' and nothing coming of it have a greater negative impact than a man asking a woman out on a 'date', and then he doesn't pursue the relationship? I'm thinking of a man who says, "I'd like to take you out." Maybe he shows up with flowers, opens the door, pays for the meal, and things like that. If he does that and doesn't ask for a second date, is that more emotionally painful than just 'hanging out', where it is unclear if he likes her, and not moving forward with a romantic relationship?

I wrote something about a year ago I'd like to share with you......

I ran across a word the other day and cracked me up because it was being used in a joking manner. But the more I thought on the word, the more I pondered.

Amorous means have a showing strong feelings for love or attraction.
Poly-amorous is the practice of intimate relationships that are not exclusive to other intimate relationships. Many, several
So what does Semi-Amorous mean…..the in between of having strong feelings of love or attraction and not?? what about poly semi amorous.
As I rolled the words SEMI-AMOROUS around in my head for a few days, I started thinking about the dating world we live in. Christian or not, kids today seem to be faced with a swarm of feelings and words that are confusing and unidentifiable.

I'm not THAT old, but terminology today has changed some. Not to mention I looked up some words in an “urban dictionary”, which is a contemporary American slag dictionary, but I digress.
The terms for dating have evolved from trading cattle, to arranged marriages, to “Sir, may I court your daughter”, to “Hey, may I date your daughter”, to wanna go steady, Wanna go together, let's make this official…..wanna hang out......talking talking…...talking….texting…..just friends….snapchat buddies. WHAT??? Make your head spin?? Mine too.

But all you younger folks are smiling. And yes, it's humorous in some respects, but stay with me.
Are terms such as Semi-amorous the reason for confusion and broken relationships? (hearts) Terms and facts are easy. But what about feelings.
Is it ok to be in between, where things are complicated, and guessing that creates a world of easy assuming.
What does the bible say?? The word dating isn't in the bible, but betrothal and marriage are.

God gave the Bible for instruction.
2 Timothy 3:16
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

My main point here is looking at the big picture when it comes to those around you. Feelings are hard to deal with sometimes, and emotions will lie to you. Pray the Lord will guard your heart and put the people in your life that will push you closer to Him and take out the ones that distract from His will. Be diligent in keeping your heart. Ask a wise someone you trust for accountability, hopefully a parent. Make a plan, claim standards for that special someone and pray scripture over them. This will reduce confusion with the “middle” so many fall into.

 

[Miri]

All this talk of hanging out and dating is just not heard of in Yorkshire.

Over here the conversation goes.

"Will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend" or "do you want to go out with me". Both mean
the same thing. Plain simple and everyone knows where they stand. Lol

Ps my first boy friend was at age 8 and he was 7 and it lasted all of 3 seconds!
He said do you want to go out with me? I said Yes
He said give me a kiss. I said no way get lost. Lol

I think he only wanted me for my toys.