CLOSURE

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Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#1
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#1
Many of us have been through failed relationships but did not have proper closure. The confusion and frustration from no closure makes it harder to move on. For some, no closure is for the best. For those who have moved on despite the lack of closure, how did you feel about it and how did you deal with it? Women tend to invest more emotions and therefore are more affected by this situation. For guys did you feel responsible to reach out just to have closure?
 
AsifinPassing

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
#2
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#2
BruceWayne

BruceWayne

Senior Member
#3
Aug 7, 2013
3,694
357
83
Gotham City
#3
I learned to not deal with it.
Sometimes you just have to let go. Even if it isn't fair. You can't live in the goodbyes :p

 
M

Messy

Banned
#4
May 26, 2016
545
3
0
#4
I always get a good closure because I just force them to close it correct. One guy just wanted to block me and not respond after first 3 weeks of talking day in day out and a date. Hey hello, you don't do that. You go talk this out nicely with me.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#5
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#5
Messy said:
I always get a good closure because I just force them to close it correct. One guy just wanted to block me and not respond after first 3 weeks of talking day in day out and a date. Hey hello, you don't do that. You go talk this out nicely with me.
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I think I tried to do that but he insisted to act like there was nothing wrong. The silent treatment gave me anxiety so I gave him a taste of his own medicine which made me feel better at first but made me more anxious later. When the other chooses not to communicate its useless.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
Messy said:
I always get a good closure because I just force them to close it correct. One guy just wanted to block me and not respond after first 3 weeks of talking day in day out and a date. Hey hello, you don't do that. You go talk this out nicely with me.
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Hmm. You force men into doing what you want. And someone hasn't snatched you up already??
 
M

Messy

Banned
#7
May 26, 2016
545
3
0
#7
Ugly said:
Hmm. You force men into doing what you want. And someone hasn't snatched you up already??
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Hahaha unbelievable isn't it? I thought men liked a bossy woman.
Come on, there was nothing the matter, we had a great time and then there was one thing we didn't agree on, that he went out with other women and I said I didn't want to date anymore if he didn't stop that and he just shut up. Total silence. As if I was some sort of a weirdo who would force and stalk him. I just wanted to talk it out. If he likes to go out with other women just as friends and lets them sleep over, no problem. I simply have other ideas about it. Doesn't mean we have to get unfriendly. I was just mistaken. I thought he was Mr. Right. Said sorry, then he was friendly and said he hoped I'd find someone else, but I was not his type.
Another guy was so shy. He wasn't interested anymore but didn't dare to say it. Lol I sent him a message. Hey if you're not interested anymore, no problem. I won't get mad. Lol then he called me, yeah he wasn't interested anymore. Okay then.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#8
Aug 13, 2014
24,896
8,156
113
#8
*Lynx sneakes in, looks around furtively and quickly takes wisebeardman's response before he can.

wots a relationship?
 
M

MollyConnor

Guest
#9
#9
I've only had two relationships in the past. One of them was completely online (I've never met him) and the other we just dated a couple of times. I don't even count them as real boyfriends but whatever. The first one I ended it because I knew we would never see each other. He's from Rhode Island and I'm from Texas... We are still good friends though.

The second one just stopped talking to me. He had stopped talking to me a month prior and I took if very hard, crying all night hard lol. But the second time he stopped talking I realized that he wasn't what I wanted. I want someone who's going to love me and sacrifice for me. I'm willing to sacrifice for him so why shouldn't he? Isn't that what marriage is all about? So if he's not willing to just give me a little bit of time while we're courting, what makes me think he'll do it in our marriage?

I surprisingly took it very well the second time. This was in 2009. I haven't talked to him since. He blamed me for him giving him the flu and having to miss work because he visited me while I had the flu the day prior. I was sick too! I had a fever and a huge headache and then he blames me? Forget it! I don't need that! I've been content so far. I mean I do want to get married someday but for right now I'm happy the way I am.

Anyways, he didn't give me closure. I was surprised with myself because I had a nice friendship with this guy for two years before we started going out. I was shocked it didn't hurt me more the way he just stopped talking to me. But I know the Lord was there with me and he helped me realize that this fellow wasn't what I needed.

Sometimes it's nice to have closure for sure, but it isn't always going to happen. You have to be prepared for that emotionally. Keep praying throughout the relationship and don't get too involved (for example, looking at rings) too quickly. Take things slowly and keep your emotions in check.

Also, I want to share a bit of advice that Kaycie (a fellow CCer) gave Marie a while ago. I loved it so much that I saved it as a favorite. Go to post #15.

http://christianchat.com/christian-ladies-forum/108775-relationship-advice.html

Kaycie, sister, I don't know why you left us but this bit of advice has helped me out so much. If you ever read this, thank you!
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#10
#10
To borrow from a song: "You don't have to give up to let go"

That's how I deal with it.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#11
#11
I was engaged at 21. She just stopped talking to me without warning. I never found out her reasons. Only in the past year have I been able to let go of it. Even being in other relationships or a long term relationship didn't stop the need for closure. Wasn't until I met someone on here a year ago that I was able to get past it.
 
Willie-T

Willie-T

Banned
#12
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#12
Ugly said:
Hmm. You force men into doing what you want. And someone hasn't snatched you up already??
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That was exactly the same reaction I had........ I thought, "Smart guy."
 
M

Messy

Banned
#13
May 26, 2016
545
3
0
#13
Ugly said:
I was engaged at 21. She just stopped talking to me without warning. I never found out her reasons. Only in the past year have I been able to let go of it. Even being in other relationships or a long term relationship didn't stop the need for closure. Wasn't until I met someone on here a year ago that I was able to get past it.
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That's just awful if they say nothing and want to be friendly and not hurt your feelings. It's so hard to get over it then. With my first ex I had been married to for 12 years it took me years because I always kept hope. Then he just told me in my face he didn't find me attractive anymore. Clear. Rude and blunt, but thanks very much, better than slimy not saying what it is. Still lol after we were both split from the next, I asked him if he wanted to try again. He came to me for some comfort when he split up. Not smart. He got mad. Are you out of your mind??? Then I could finally really get over him. Just be plain rude and unsympathetic please. Now we get along great as just friends.
 
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Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#14
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#14
MollyConnor said:
I've only had two relationships in the past. One of them was completely online (I've never met him) and the other we just dated a couple of times. I don't even count them as real boyfriends but whatever. The first one I ended it because I knew we would never see each other. He's from Rhode Island and I'm from Texas... We are still good friends though.

The second one just stopped talking to me. He had stopped talking to me a month prior and I took if very hard, crying all night hard lol. But the second time he stopped talking I realized that he wasn't what I wanted. I want someone who's going to love me and sacrifice for me. I'm willing to sacrifice for him so why shouldn't he? Isn't that what marriage is all about? So if he's not willing to just give me a little bit of time while we're courting, what makes me think he'll do it in our marriage?

I surprisingly took it very well the second time. This was in 2009. I haven't talked to him since. He blamed me for him giving him the flu and having to miss work because he visited me while I had the flu the day prior. I was sick too! I had a fever and a huge headache and then he blames me? Forget it! I don't need that! I've been content so far. I mean I do want to get married someday but for right now I'm happy the way I am.

Anyways, he didn't give me closure. I was surprised with myself because I had a nice friendship with this guy for two years before we started going out. I was shocked it didn't hurt me more the way he just stopped talking to me. But I know the Lord was there with me and he helped me realize that this fellow wasn't what I needed.

Sometimes it's nice to have closure for sure, but it isn't always going to happen. You have to be prepared for that emotionally. Keep praying throughout the relationship and don't get too involved (for example, looking at rings) too quickly. Take things slowly and keep your emotions in check.

Also, I want to share a bit of advice that Kaycie (a fellow CCer) gave Marie a while ago. I loved it so much that I saved it as a favorite. Go to post #15.

http://christianchat.com/christian-ladies-forum/108775-relationship-advice.html

Kaycie, sister, I don't know why you left us but this bit of advice has helped me out so much. If you ever read this, thank you!
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Thanks for sharing Molly. Its all about acceptance and not to question why things happen. And also gratitude to God for letting us be happy for a while even if it makes us sad after because not everyone we meet are meant to stay. When they need to go we cant stop them. Love that is not given freely is not worth having.

Yeah Kaycie is a wise woman. I also learned from her posts. I hope she comes back.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#15
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#15
Siberian_Khatru said:
To borrow from a song: "You don't have to give up to let go"

That's how I deal with it.
Click to expand...
I don't even know what that means but it sounds like a good strategy. Does it mean letting go is also an act of love? Or is it just loving from a distance? You are right about not giving up. Persistence is the key to success. Its a biblical truth.
 
Tinkerbell725

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
#16
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#16
Ugly said:
I was engaged at 21. She just stopped talking to me without warning. I never found out her reasons. Only in the past year have I been able to let go of it. Even being in other relationships or a long term relationship didn't stop the need for closure. Wasn't until I met someone on here a year ago that I was able to get past it.
Click to expand...
No closure is really evil. It took you a million years to let go. I don't know how many years will it take me to get out of this no closure misery.
 
Faith-n-Christ

Faith-n-Christ

Senior Member
#17
May 12, 2016
443
365
63
#17
Sometimes you find people are not emotionally mature enough to give you the closure you seek. That is where equally yoked comes into play. But sometimes you do not find out till later, or did not pay attention to the warning signs. I did not pay attention to the warning signs. I did not get the closure I was hoping for or thought I needed. God was faithful, he walked me through the grief at a place I could handle. It also taught me a lot of lessons about myself. It takes time, and a faithful trust in the Lord. It is hard, black and ugly at times, but in the end, you will be a much better, stronger person. I thought I had to handle it with grace. I was wrong. The book of Job showed me that. I just have to be willing to go through the grieving process. No one can tell you how that should look for YOU, nor how long. I pray you find the peace you seek.
 
M

Messy

Banned
#18
May 26, 2016
545
3
0
#18
Willie-T said:
That was exactly the same reaction I had........ I thought, "Smart guy."
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You think you can just dump your wife and she'll just ask nothing and take it like that? You have no idea what you're talking about, since you don't do that.
Lol I even forced the mods on cf to talk. You don't simply ban me. They said: why on earth do you keep talking to us? Why would we let you post again? I don't want to post again. I just want to say what I think about it lol.
I found a guy who's just like that. 3 years ago they treated him like crap there. He gets no normal explanation why they did that, so now we talk about it together. He was a lurker there and a stalker, well just for fun. I creeped him back.
 
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S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#19
#19
Tinkerbell725 said:
I don't even know what that means but it sounds like a good strategy. Does it mean letting go is also an act of love? Or is it just loving from a distance? You are right about not giving up. Persistence is the key to success. Its a biblical truth.
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I take it to mean that surrendering a person and/or a situation to... fate, God, whatever you want to call it... doesn't have to be synonymous with extinguishing that person from your life. A friend of mine once told me that she believed that, in the end of it all, all we really have are relationships, and I think there's something to that.
 
G

GAOH

Guest
#20
#20
I had a 10 year marriage that was a huge learning experience for me, God rest her soul.

I met this woman several years ago and we dated for a few months before I decided that it was time for me to move forward and engage her. It's been a year now since. We each had a daughter of our own so that was important to consider since I don't want a wicked step-mother for my little girl and I wasn't sure how her daughter would do with me being around but it all worked out well.

Everything went smoothly for a good while that is until her mother was intruding and control tripping, calling me up hollering at me about what her daughter does or does not do and laying blame. and I would be firm yet calm but she would become worse and worse and it really affected me and I found myself considering on this woman's madness more than my fiance' and yet my fiance would have doubts on me and start looking for advice on "why your man isn't interested in you" topics on the internet and I would reassure her that I was getting a bit stressed out but I didn't realize how much of a problem I was causing by just being a man that is a solid rock of a man. I finally had enough of it and I broke off the engagement, repossessed my ring after another huge misunderstanding I was unfortunate enough to get caught up in. You think you get to know someone. I tried to elope with her but she wanted nothing to do with me she just wanted her mom.

Later tater!
 
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