Lack of fellowship 40+

A_Friend_In_Christ · Jun 22, 2016

At your church do they have fellowship for Christian singles over 40? At my church they activities for youth and young adult groups up to age 35.

If you are over 40 you are out of luck. I know people will say why don't you start a group, but it is not easy. For some reason the churches in my area are against it. It's like if you are a Christian single and over 40 you don't matter.

How are things at your church? If you are over 40 can you find any fellowship? A new person who just moved into the area may go to the local church and not find anything for Christian singles their age.

This can be very discouraging and there are many articles and comments online saying the same thing. Some of todays churches are just geared towards the young and the newly married couples who will bring in the next generation of young adults.

No wonder a lot of Christian singles are leaving the church and staying home. They feel like they don't matter and there is no where to go and nothing for them to be a part of.

What are your thoughts?

A_Friend_In_Christ · Jun 22, 2016

I don't expect many answers, but I thought I would ask anyway.

God bless.

kedge · Jun 22, 2016

A_Friend_In_Christ said:

My logical thoughts, If the God of the Bible really does exist He should be able to help you through any hard times, there is no gaurantee that you will get all you think you need but maybe just enough to get you through another day. You take up a life of Christianity you take up a life of long suffering which is part of the fruitage of the spirit according to the Holy Scriptures, but that does not necessarily mean you will suffer like Job suffered.

Messy · Jun 22, 2016

A_Friend_In_Christ said:

At your church do they have fellowship for Christian singles over 40? At my church they activities for youth and young adult groups up to age 35.

If you are over 40 you are out of luck. I know people will say why don't you start a group, but it is not easy. For some reason the churches in my area are against it. It's like if you are a Christian single and over 40 you don't matter.

How are things at your church? If you are over 40 can you find any fellowship? A new person who just moved into the area may go to the local church and not find anything for Christian singles their age.

This can be very discouraging and there are many articles and comments online saying the same thing. Some of todays churches are just geared towards the young and the newly married couples who will bring in the next generation of young adults.

No wonder a lot of Christian singles are leaving the church and staying home. They feel like they don't matter and there is no where to go and nothing for them to be a part of.

What are your thoughts?

I'm in a tiny church with one married couple and for the rest singles and a widow. There are no special things for groups. I like this more than a church with married people.

melita916 · Jun 22, 2016

at my church, they don't really have anything for singles. after a certain age, you just join the next group (single men to the men's ministry and single women to the women's ministry). being 32 and not married, i'm just... there lol. i'm involved with youth ministry, music team, and sunday school, but i don't have a group to which i belong.

hoss2576 · Jun 22, 2016

I would say once you hit 30 at my church you are out of the youth/young adult stuff. However, there really isn't anything geared toward married couples at my church either. We have men's ministry and women's ministry and outreach. Admittedly, a lot of the men's ministry stuff seems geared around fatherhood and being a husband, not that it is bad, but it is offered in a present tense manner.

I have led singles ministry in the past, and churches don't seem to want to do them anymore. I am in a town of around 12000, and I don't know of a single church here that has one.

Messy · Jun 22, 2016

A_Friend_In_Christ said:

Maybe that is in America. I don't see that it's all for couples in churches here. It's just for anyone. Most churches have home groups that are mixed. The younger ones have a youth group and some have a partner, others not, it's not specifically for singles and after a certain age you have cell groups or home groups with singles and marrieds mixed. In our former church some singles just hung out together, but they did that themselves. I would find a church with home groups. If a church was so focused on marrieds and getting married etc. I wouldn't go there.

seoulsearch · Jun 22, 2016

Hi Friend

,

I think one of the harsh realities that people don't realize is that in essence, churches are businesses, and it's a fact of life that in order to survive (especially with a different church on every corner), they are going to put their limited resources into things that bring in people (and offerings), such as ministries for children and parents.

As much as we all want to believe it's all about the love of Jesus, many churches won't commit to the needs of singles because 1. promoting singles' groups might give the church a bad reputation in some people's eyes (the self-righteous who don't want to "taint" themselves by being around those who are divorced or, in their eyes, "unmarryable"), and 2. singles aren't seen as significant financial contributions to the church.

I probably sound a bit jaded but I'm speaking as the daughter of parents who have been heavily involved in the inner circles of dozens of churches for over 50 years.

I do have to wonder if the dynamics will change at all in the future. My guess is that they will have to, because it seems that the population of older singles is continuously growing, whether due to death or divorce.

When I was 25, a bevy of well-meaning (but mostly married) people gave me long speeches about how I was "blessed with this time to be single and spend it with the Lord".

The thing is, that was a long time ago. (Yeah, I know I probably "seem" young... I had some guy in his late 60's imply that I'm just a kid in a post here recently, and I understand that, but age is relative. To a certain member of my family who's heading toward a century of life, a person in their late 60's is pretty much still a toddler.)

Some of the people who gave me all their most spiritual sounding "advice"... are now single themselves. Many of them are remarrying pretty much immediately (within a year.)

I certainly understand that pain. I was in shambles when my husband left for his girlfriend.

But as I see older people becoming single again in flocks and droves, I wonder why all their "advice" seemed so perfect to give to me (especially when they told me I was being stubborn and rebellious for not embracing it with enough gratitude for their taste), but yet for them, a different set of rules seems to apply.

(I am certainly not condemning anyone who remarries in accordance to God's will. However, I AM questioning why married are so quick to give advice to singles that they are not willing to follow themselves when they become single.)

Part of me wants to ask them, "What about this glorious opportunity you have to spend more time with the Lord? After all, isn't that what you told me? Why do you get to choose a different set of rules?"

Dino246 · Jun 22, 2016

In my local congregation, there are "special" groups for teenagers and for seniors. Otherwise, we have small groups which are open to everyone, and I believe most of the seniors are in at least one of those groups as well. There are small groups which are primarily made up of married couples, or of seniors, but they are not exclusively so by any means. Personally, I think this is a better arrangement. Singles' groups either degenerate into meet-your-future-spouse groups or into complaining sessions. It's healthier by far to have groups which are formed around the centrality of Christ and His Word rather than around some particular life situation.

JMHO.

cinder · Jun 22, 2016

It's a problem, but now I just try to tell myself that if I can hold out 15-20 more years I'll be eligible for all the seniors activities and socials (sometimes if they're doing something cool that I could do, I think about crashing them even now). As a little more serious of a comment, I think a big part of the problem is that so much of people's lives revolve around their marriage, family, and children that not much time is spent on the other parts of life that we can relate to.

Jeshuvan · Jun 22, 2016

you do matter very much,to God.u r also very valuable, important, treasureful,plus he has a great and mighty plan for your life.See yourself the way God sees u,amen.Also dont rely on people,rely on God he can do anything.U r just dry and in the desert,grab a few good men and start doing Gods business with them=Kingdom business like go feed people or visit the elderly in nursing homes,tjhe list goes on.When u do this u will have the greatest fellowship u can ever imagine,stop buying the garbage of satan.To God your age doesnt matter,Love Jeshu.I wish i was there and im 63 we would have a blast and see lives changed for Gods glory.Be encouraged and be Joyful and get going amen gbu

LiJo · Jun 22, 2016

A_Friend_In_Christ said:

You are right, most churches have omit singles group for folks 40'a and up. A good friend of mine travels around the US and other countries to help start, grow and maintain singles adult ministries. She even has her own website The Singles Network Ministries - The Singles Network Ministries/Kris Swiatocho to offer resources for singles. Several of the big churches in my city decided to close down their singles group; Kris started a singles ministry and we have singles from different churches meet every Saturday evening for fellowship. We have anywhere from 30-40 people every week, when we have special events we have 50-100 show up. It's been successful and rewarding for me when I see people connecting.

Ugly · Jun 22, 2016

Messy said:

Yes, this has been a common topic here in the forums. Most American churches focus on marriage and married couples and tend to ignore singles. Here Christianity equates to marriage, for some reason. A good Christian family should have 2.5 kids, a white picket fence in the yard, dad at work, mom at home and everybody always happy.

Lynx · Jun 23, 2016

In my experience, if I feel I am not being served at church... it is time to ask God where I should be serving.

Mind you, this is not for everyone - it involves a lot of work. But it sure keeps the dust off a person. I am not part of any group that is made to minister to single people my age but I never have felt left out. I'm too busy doing stuff.

Gotta go drive the church bus, back in a bit!

Lynx · Jun 23, 2016

seoulsearch said:

*Lynx pats seoulsearch on the head in a grandfatherly way and hobbles off on his walker.

Ugly said:

2.5? I always thought it was 2.6 kids... No wonder I'm still single, I've had my expectations too low.

seoulsearch · Jun 23, 2016

Lynx said:

Too bad I pulled all the tennis balls off the legs of your walker, Gramps.

Lynx · Jun 23, 2016

No problem. I never knew what they were there for anyway.

seoulsearch · Jun 23, 2016

seoulsearch said:

Lynx said:

Well, I don't know what you use yours for, but I always use mine...

For pelting young un's.

chickwithsticks · Jun 23, 2016

This can be such a sensitive topic for many and have had a version of this conversation over the years with many friends and church leaders in the past. Most recently a gap in youth groups has been on my heart. After someone turns 18 at my church they no longer fit in a group. During college years our kids are so vulnerable with temptations to stray from a Christian life I really believe it is a critical gap. Don't worry this ties in to the OP topic!

I have found most churches know their gaps yet need people to stand up and support their churches through volunteer work to be part of the solution. There are so many children's ministries because parents are more likely to volunteer in their kids rooms etc.. this is not the only reason but it is part of it.

I approached our "community" leader weeks ago and discussed the youth gap and offered to serve on a team to try and fill it. We are now working on it together. I feel the same goes for a gap in singles ministry. Approach your church and offer to serve to be part of the solution to fill the gap. You would be amazed at the response.

Although to Lynx's point, if your already actively involved in your church through service of some kind it makes it so much easier. First, because i am serving through two separate ministries already i feel very connected as a single in my 40's even though we don't currently have an older singles ministry. Second, I have an established relationship with the leadership of the church and therefore feel as an "active member" I might have a stronger foothold when collaborating with various ministries on change.

I know church based singles ministries bring many challenges which is why so many steer clear but if programs are suggested that go beyond the "dating game/meet your spouse event" and focus on the fellowship aspect and serving life together most churches are more open to it.

Just my thoughts ...

sassylady · Jun 23, 2016

Not where I go and nothing for divorced people either. And not at any other churches I have been too. Makes one feel undesirable and unimportant.

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