Dating versus "hanging out"
- Thread starter spunkycat08
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U
I remember a thread with the same, or similar, title a while back. I don't understand the problem. This article, from what i read, is just a long drawn out way of saying something simple. If you say 'we're dating', you're dating. If you don't say 'we're dating', then you aren't dating. It doesn't matter what goes on between the two of you, nothing is official until you say it is. Is it really that confusing that people need to be told something so obvious?
When i was 17 i met a girl i went crazy about. We went to the same youth group and very quickly became good friends. Within a month everyone thought we were dating. The whole time of our friendship people always called us girlfriend and boyfriend. Because we were that close and did everything together. And i wanted to date her, and i'm certain she wanted to as well. But whenever someone referred to us as 'dating' we corrected them. Why? Because no matter how much time we spent together, how close we were or how much we really were interested we never agreed we were dating. Simple.
When i was 17 i met a girl i went crazy about. We went to the same youth group and very quickly became good friends. Within a month everyone thought we were dating. The whole time of our friendship people always called us girlfriend and boyfriend. Because we were that close and did everything together. And i wanted to date her, and i'm certain she wanted to as well. But whenever someone referred to us as 'dating' we corrected them. Why? Because no matter how much time we spent together, how close we were or how much we really were interested we never agreed we were dating. Simple.
B
Thanks for posting this. I am seeing a guy from church right now that refers to what we do as "hanging out". His thoughts are, "you have to crawl before you walk and walk before you run". I am perfectly content to take things slowly, but have known each other for 4 years, there is an established mutual attraction, and we have been "hanging out" outside of church almost every week for about a little over month now. I have been debating whether or not to bring up the notion of moving past "hanging out" to "dating", but if he is not ready, I do not want to lose the great friendship we have. I wish men came with instruction manuals 
Ha! A perfect description of the friend zone!
Quote from the article:
"Here's how it works: you like someone but you're afraid to let him or her know. So instead of asking the person on a date, you go on approximations of dates that allow for plausible deniability of all romantic intentions. You study together. You exercise together. You find lame excuses to call, text and email.Worst of all, you engage in the most banal and abysmal of non-dates-going to coffee. It has the trappings of a date—a cozy ambiance, comforting beverages, atmospheric music—while allowing everyone involved to disavow the actual occurrence of a date. Fear of rejection alone has resulted in the proliferation of Starbucks like a French-roasted virus.
People suffer through this in the hope that the object of their affection will eventually buckle and reveal his or her true feelings. They wait and watch. They keep making up excuses to hang out, hedging all their bets and waiting for God to give them a sign. If you've been down this road before, you know that it's seldom successful. You remain stuck in the "friend zone," which is relationship purgatory if you have a crush on someone."
Quote from the article:
"Here's how it works: you like someone but you're afraid to let him or her know. So instead of asking the person on a date, you go on approximations of dates that allow for plausible deniability of all romantic intentions. You study together. You exercise together. You find lame excuses to call, text and email.Worst of all, you engage in the most banal and abysmal of non-dates-going to coffee. It has the trappings of a date—a cozy ambiance, comforting beverages, atmospheric music—while allowing everyone involved to disavow the actual occurrence of a date. Fear of rejection alone has resulted in the proliferation of Starbucks like a French-roasted virus.
People suffer through this in the hope that the object of their affection will eventually buckle and reveal his or her true feelings. They wait and watch. They keep making up excuses to hang out, hedging all their bets and waiting for God to give them a sign. If you've been down this road before, you know that it's seldom successful. You remain stuck in the "friend zone," which is relationship purgatory if you have a crush on someone."
Regarding the bolded part in green....
Tell that one to a former female friend of my husband.
This article describes her perfectly.
Yet when my husband told her that he was going to propose marriage to me, she went to a male friend of his and told him that she wanted to date my husband. The male friend told her that this was not possible, but she just kept on repeating herself.
Plus there was the time that she invited my husband *who was my boyfriend at the time* to have dinner with her and her parents at her place. That one made me wonder if she thought he was her boyfriend. This was before he proposed to me.
Tell that one to a former female friend of my husband.
This article describes her perfectly.
Yet when my husband told her that he was going to propose marriage to me, she went to a male friend of his and told him that she wanted to date my husband. The male friend told her that this was not possible, but she just kept on repeating herself.
Plus there was the time that she invited my husband *who was my boyfriend at the time* to have dinner with her and her parents at her place. That one made me wonder if she thought he was her boyfriend. This was before he proposed to me.
I have been debating whether or not to bring up the notion of moving past "hanging out" to "dating", but if he is not ready, I do not want to lose the great friendship we have. I wish men came with instruction manuals
B
I have always really liked him. We were talking about a year and a half ago and neither of us were ready to even think about a relationship at that point so we decided to take a step back. We have remained friendly at church, but had not really spoken one on one much since then. About two months ago he told me he would like to take me out to a movie and start hanging out with me, if I was ready for that. The more time I spend with him, the more I like about him and we both enjoy our time together. He has all the major qualities I have prayed for in a future spouse. I think slow is good, but I do not understand why we need to call it "hanging out" because in all reality we are dating. We are not in a relationship, but we both enjoy the companionship we have with each other and I can see things moving forward unless we get stuck in the hanging out stage. He is a good deal older than me and has been single for far longer than I have, so I think a lot of it is that he is unsure of how to go forward. I do not want to come off as trying to push things forward at a speed he is not comfortable with. Truthfully, I am content with the snail's pace because all too often people want to jump into a relationship head first and temptations become great and things end up ending as abruptly as they started. I am praying for guidance and doing my best to be patient for God's timing. I will at some point have to address it if he doesn't because I do not want the opportunity to pass by because I was too afraid of rejection.
B
I will have to look up the book. Do you know the author? And I'm totally with you on being friends before anything else. But at what point do you move past friends and be a couple moving towards marriage if you don't date? Honestly, I am super new to the dating world. I was married at 18 and already had a child with him. We never really dated because neither of us were living for the Lord then. We were friends, ended up having sex, and got pregnant. That led to a serious look at what we were doing. We moved in together and eventually we got married. Since being divorced, I am finding the adult dating world to be quite a mystery. I am a different person than I was 13-14 years ago, so I am trying to figure out what dating as a follower of Christ looks like.
I really do not feel qualified to give advice in this area as I am terridle at "dating." But I can offer my opinion and viewpoint based on experience. If you enter into a new friendship and have the mindset of "I'm going to be friends with this person and see if it leads to more" then the relationship is already tainted or distorted (not sure of exact word I'm looking for). Can it be a real friendship if that was the goal? True friendships don't have a goal ..you just enjoy spending time together and the fellowship that results. So therefore if you remain open to God's leading and direction things evolve naturally without the worry of "what do I need to do to move a friendship to next level." If we lift these questions up and listen, God will provide the answers to those types of questions in his timing. I have learned the hard way that I need to pray more about all my relationships, to include prayers on strength to hear.
I fully realize it is not that simple. I realize even in cases where two people form a natural friendship one can develop feelings for the other and it can get uncomfortable but your friendship should have a solid foundation to withstand an open and honest conversation about it. If you have committed this area of your life to prayer and have given it to God, you will avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and confusion.
I fully realize it is not that simple. I realize even in cases where two people form a natural friendship one can develop feelings for the other and it can get uncomfortable but your friendship should have a solid foundation to withstand an open and honest conversation about it. If you have committed this area of your life to prayer and have given it to God, you will avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and confusion.
^^^^^^^ This is very good advice for anyone, male or female, to follow.
I wish my husband followed this advice regarding his former female friend.
Because the opposite happened regarding their friendship while we were dating, when we got engaged, and after we got married.
It is also very helpful advice to follow when you are dating someone else.
I wish my husband followed this advice regarding his former female friend.
Because the opposite happened regarding their friendship while we were dating, when we got engaged, and after we got married.
It is also very helpful advice to follow when you are dating someone else.
Most threads here evolve this way through discussions but I know exactly what you mean. I also didnt mean to imply you were looking for advice..sorry about that.
But I came back to compliment you on having the courage to look at how your dating life is changing as you grow in your faith! It may sound like an obvious statement but that is not always the case unfortunately. Keep praying over this friendship!!!
M
I notice that you frequently mention your husband's friendship with this other woman who tried to be more than just his friend...I mean, I can understand that being a tough situation for you, so I'm not criticizing. I just wondered if that whole situation has been resolved? Is she still in the picture? I sincerely hope not, but I also hope that this is something you can move on from. It just seems that you're hung up on this...and if she's still hanging around, it makes sense, but if she's long gone...it would be a huge burden off of You, to forgive and get past it.
Spunky, I've read many of your posts and have also noticed that you mention this other woman... multiple times, and in great detail (i.e., the time when she left personal undergarments on the floor of your husband's place, no?)
I was wondering all the same things that Cristen mentioned here, but obviously am a little late to the discussion.
I also think you mentioned once that this woman had... some sort of mental illness that also contributed to her seeming inability to let go?
Has your husband cut all ties with this woman? I would hope he would, out of respect for you. And I hope all the boundaries are firmly set in place.
And if he's tried to cut ties but she still won't let go, is it possibly at a point of considering legal action? It might be something to consider if she is truly harassing either of you and refuse to stop.
I was wondering all the same things that Cristen mentioned here, but obviously am a little late to the discussion.
I also think you mentioned once that this woman had... some sort of mental illness that also contributed to her seeming inability to let go?
Has your husband cut all ties with this woman? I would hope he would, out of respect for you. And I hope all the boundaries are firmly set in place.
And if he's tried to cut ties but she still won't let go, is it possibly at a point of considering legal action? It might be something to consider if she is truly harassing either of you and refuse to stop.
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U
That is an issue regarding a third person who, clearly, has an inability to grasp common social cues. Or has some mental defect that makes her not care. This seems to be the exception, not the rule. So you can't really base the majority around one person that does not represent the general consensus. Nor could you expect an article to make that clear to someone like her.
The topic here, seems much broader, unless your underlying intention was to bring this particular issue up that you faced. If that were the case you should have stated it more plainly. If it's not the case then within the norms my point is valid. A case of confusion between two close people about when things change.
Obviously this other woman had more going on, mentally, as no matter what happened she didn't 'get it'. So with an individual like her, this article doesn't really apply, because there is a deeper, more serious issue that overrides it.
And from what i read of the article it seems to be more geared at figuring out at what point two people go from friends to dating, which is not affected by a 3rd party. That is a decision the two people make together. The suggestion being that the two involved not knowing when that line is crossed, for some odd reason. So i spelled it out quite clearly.
The topic here, seems much broader, unless your underlying intention was to bring this particular issue up that you faced. If that were the case you should have stated it more plainly. If it's not the case then within the norms my point is valid. A case of confusion between two close people about when things change.
Obviously this other woman had more going on, mentally, as no matter what happened she didn't 'get it'. So with an individual like her, this article doesn't really apply, because there is a deeper, more serious issue that overrides it.
And from what i read of the article it seems to be more geared at figuring out at what point two people go from friends to dating, which is not affected by a 3rd party. That is a decision the two people make together. The suggestion being that the two involved not knowing when that line is crossed, for some odd reason. So i spelled it out quite clearly.
I am sorry if I come across as this.
It is just that I am what you call an empath, and I feel sorry for people who are stuck in this situation. Empaths feel things very deeply.
And yes, my husband has cut ties with her. It is just as an empath I wish things were different for both of them back then.
It is just that I am what you call an empath, and I feel sorry for people who are stuck in this situation. Empaths feel things very deeply.
And yes, my husband has cut ties with her. It is just as an empath I wish things were different for both of them back then.
U
I think part of the issue is the term 'dating' seems to have changed from what it once was. Dating originally meant a couple that were seeing each other romantically and exclusively and that this has been discussed and agreed on. Basically it meant being in a relationship. I don't know if it's coincidence or what, but it seems to me as online dating became more popular the definition of 'dating' has become more varied and blurred as people are attempting to redefine the term. But i know if someone says 'i'm dating X person' my thought is 'they are in a committed, romantic relationship'. So using that term may bring about confusion and what some people think it means.