So I met a guy...

[Quirkygirl]

I met a guy online. He is CLEARLY a Christian. I met him via a secular dating app. We skyped and then he told me he was going to be busy until Tuesday and that I could message him whenever I wanted just that he probably wouldn't be able to text back. So I took full advantage of this. I sent him like a bazillion messages because I really have a hard time with being lonely and it was nice having someone to message even if they don't respond back.

Well I assumed he was going to get annoyed and block me. He didn't. So I checked out his facebook to see if he was really a Christian or if he just wanted something else. I went through his entire timeline and he was most definitely christian.

Well my fear got the better of me so I eventually deleted him off skype and deleted his number. Then my anxiety and fear passed and rational thought kicked in. So I added him back on Skype and messaged him via the dating app explaining everything. He hasn't responded to the dating app messages but it looks like he accepted my skype request unless it was some sort of glitch.

I want to move forward with this and really push to have a healthy relationship with this guy (if he is willing to put up with me). I am tired of living like I am living in a war zone. What are your thoughts? I told him we needed healthy boundaries and that I would need a lot of patience. I basically sent him a manual about how to be my friend in a safe and healthy manner plus all the backstory about why it has to be this way. So far he's been like, "ok." and I'm like O.O

Part of me is so scared because this is new and I don't know how to defend myself emotionally if I get hurt because I don't know what to expect but like I said I want to stop living like I am in a war zone.

 

[Ultimatum77]

I met a guy online. He is CLEARLY a Christian. I met him via a secular dating app. We skyped and then he told me he was going to be busy until Tuesday and that I could message him whenever I wanted just that he probably wouldn't be able to text back. So I took full advantage of this. I sent him like a bazillion messages because I really have a hard time with being lonely and it was nice having someone to message even if they don't respond back.

Well I assumed he was going to get annoyed and block me. He didn't. So I checked out his facebook to see if he was really a Christian or if he just wanted something else. I went through his entire timeline and he was most definitely christian.

Well my fear got the better of me so I eventually deleted him off skype and deleted his number. Then my anxiety and fear passed and rational thought kicked in. So I added him back on Skype and messaged him via the dating app explaining everything. He hasn't responded to the dating app messages but it looks like he accepted my skype request unless it was some sort of glitch.

I want to move forward with this and really push to have a healthy relationship with this guy (if he is willing to put up with me). I am tired of living like I am living in a war zone. What are your thoughts? I told him we needed healthy boundaries and that I would need a lot of patience. I basically sent him a manual about how to be my friend in a safe and healthy manner plus all the backstory about why it has to be this way. So far he's been like, "ok." and I'm like O.O

Part of me is so scared because this is new and I don't know how to defend myself emotionally if I get hurt because I don't know what to expect but like I said I want to stop living like I am in a war zone.

You sound kind of in a rush. You may need to slow down a bit and think through things especially what your goals are for this relationship and/or your life. Not trying to stomp on your joy but you seem really eager to get a relationship and usually when your overly eager you have the potential to get burned badly especially if it's your first serious relationship to a guy. You may then develop a negative stereotype of other guys if it turns out badly. I know a cliche people say is to "follow your heart" but I would say don't but rather follow your mind/ think before doing anything. Don't reveal yourself to him about your personal matters that he could potentially weaponize on you if it doesn't work out. Go slow, haste makes waste! He may be a good Christian guy but let him earn your trust don't just give it away like candy.

 

[Quirkygirl]

You sound kind of in a rush. You may need to slow down a bit and think through things especially what your goals are for this relationship and/or your life. Not trying to stomp on your joy but you seem really eager to get a relationship and usually when your overly eager you have the potential to get burned badly especially if it's your first serious relationship to a guy. You may then develop a negative stereotype of other guys if it turns out badly. I know a cliche people say is to "follow your heart" but I would say don't but rather follow your mind/ think before doing anything. Don't reveal yourself to him about your personal matters that he could potentially weaponize on you if it doesn't work out. Go slow, haste makes waste! He may be a good Christian guy but let him earn your trust don't just give it away like candy.

Yeah I am going to take it REEEEEALLLY slow with this one. I am making it very clear with him that we are just friends.

 

[WarriorForChrist]

I met a guy online. He is CLEARLY a Christian. I met him via a secular dating app. We skyped and then he told me he was going to be busy until Tuesday and that I could message him whenever I wanted just that he probably wouldn't be able to text back. So I took full advantage of this. I sent him like a bazillion messages because I really have a hard time with being lonely and it was nice having someone to message even if they don't respond back.

Well I assumed he was going to get annoyed and block me. He didn't. So I checked out his facebook to see if he was really a Christian or if he just wanted something else. I went through his entire timeline and he was most definitely christian.

Well my fear got the better of me so I eventually deleted him off skype and deleted his number. Then my anxiety and fear passed and rational thought kicked in. So I added him back on Skype and messaged him via the dating app explaining everything. He hasn't responded to the dating app messages but it looks like he accepted my skype request unless it was some sort of glitch.

I want to move forward with this and really push to have a healthy relationship with this guy (if he is willing to put up with me). I am tired of living like I am living in a war zone. What are your thoughts? I told him we needed healthy boundaries and that I would need a lot of patience. I basically sent him a manual about how to be my friend in a safe and healthy manner plus all the backstory about why it has to be this way. So far he's been like, "ok." and I'm like O.O

Part of me is so scared because this is new and I don't know how to defend myself emotionally if I get hurt because I don't know what to expect but like I said I want to stop living like I am in a war zone.

So do you live in an area where you don't have an option to meet people in person? I remember commenting on another post of yours. You had said you were using the dating sites to witness to people. So I guess I'm confused as to what your true intentions are on these sites? From my own experiences, meeting someone online almost never works. Do you have a Church where you can meet single guys?

Another thing I see with your post is you aren't ready for a relationship. I feel you should work on your relationship with God and when you are ready God will provide you with the strength not only to handle a relationship, but also send you the right person.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I met a guy online. He is CLEARLY a Christian. I met him via a secular dating app. We skyped and then he told me he was going to be busy until Tuesday and that I could message him whenever I wanted just that he probably wouldn't be able to text back. So I took full advantage of this. I sent him like a bazillion messages because I really have a hard time with being lonely and it was nice having someone to message even if they don't respond back.

Well I assumed he was going to get annoyed and block me. He didn't. So I checked out his facebook to see if he was really a Christian or if he just wanted something else. I went through his entire timeline and he was most definitely christian.

Well my fear got the better of me so I eventually deleted him off skype and deleted his number. Then my anxiety and fear passed and rational thought kicked in. So I added him back on Skype and messaged him via the dating app explaining everything. He hasn't responded to the dating app messages but it looks like he accepted my skype request unless it was some sort of glitch.

I want to move forward with this and really push to have a healthy relationship with this guy (if he is willing to put up with me). I am tired of living like I am living in a war zone. What are your thoughts? I told him we needed healthy boundaries and that I would need a lot of patience. I basically sent him a manual about how to be my friend in a safe and healthy manner plus all the backstory about why it has to be this way. So far he's been like, "ok." and I'm like O.O

Part of me is so scared because this is new and I don't know how to defend myself emotionally if I get hurt because I don't know what to expect but like I said I want to stop living like I am in a war zone.

First of all, pushing a relationship on him makes you look really desperate and needy. If he wants to only be friends, then trying to herd him into a relationship would be not good for either of you. Face it, you met him on a dating app and are already skyping with him, basically trolling for a guy. You know zippy doo da about him. What is his personality? How does he treat people? Does he get along with his family? Do you even know his actual full name? What is his favorite color, flavor, movie?

Sorry but if you keep running hot then cold, he'll lose interest in you fast and move on to someone else with no major issues. You can't be all gung-ho one minute, then block him entirely the next. Guys don't like that. I completely agree with Ultimatum77, you need to slow down.

 

[Quirkygirl]

I honestly want a friend and people to talk to on the dating sites. And I do not do good with in person relationships. I am very awkward and many Christian guys can't get past my awkwardness to see the real me.

So my relationship with God is going to take a lot of work and I am going to work on it but I need some serious help with that. Like professional help. I am getting it but it is going to take years. God will not fix this overnight. It's a lot. I can't sit around in isolation and wait for God to just snap his fingers and fix everything. I need to actively move towards trying to have healthy relationships. I think this guy may be a good way for me to start....

 

[Quirkygirl]

First of all, pushing a relationship on him makes you look really desperate and needy. If he wants to only be friends, then trying to herd him into a relationship would be not good for either of you. Face it, you met him on a dating app and are already skyping with him, basically trolling for a guy. You know zippy doo da about him. What is his personality? How does he treat people? Does he get along with his family? Do you even know his actual full name? What is his favorite color, flavor, movie?

Sorry but if you keep running hot then cold, he'll lose interest in you fast and move on to someone else with no major issues. You can't be all gung-ho one minute, then block him entirely the next. Guys don't like that. I completely agree with Ultimatum77, you need to slow down.

I think you misunderstood me on every level lol

 

[jsr1221]

I met a guy online. He is CLEARLY a Christian. I met him via a secular dating app. We skyped and then he told me he was going to be busy until Tuesday and that I could message him whenever I wanted just that he probably wouldn't be able to text back. So I took full advantage of this. I sent him like a bazillion messages because I really have a hard time with being lonely and it was nice having someone to message even if they don't respond back.

Well I assumed he was going to get annoyed and block me. He didn't. So I checked out his facebook to see if he was really a Christian or if he just wanted something else. I went through his entire timeline and he was most definitely christian.

Well my fear got the better of me so I eventually deleted him off skype and deleted his number. Then my anxiety and fear passed and rational thought kicked in. So I added him back on Skype and messaged him via the dating app explaining everything. He hasn't responded to the dating app messages but it looks like he accepted my skype request unless it was some sort of glitch.

I want to move forward with this and really push to have a healthy relationship with this guy (if he is willing to put up with me). I am tired of living like I am living in a war zone. What are your thoughts? I told him we needed healthy boundaries and that I would need a lot of patience. I basically sent him a manual about how to be my friend in a safe and healthy manner plus all the backstory about why it has to be this way. So far he's been like, "ok." and I'm like O.O

Part of me is so scared because this is new and I don't know how to defend myself emotionally if I get hurt because I don't know what to expect but like I said I want to stop living like I am in a war zone.

You're not ready for a relationship. You can't work on you while at the same giving yourself the best to someone. It's clear you have many things you need to give to God before you even begin thinking about giving yourself to someone. If it takes years? Then it takes years. Why is that such a problem? Why put yourself through all the heart break again? You're 21, and have a lot to offer. Don't ruin it by still trying to fill a void only God can give you. And I know exactly what you are dealing with because I have the same problems as you do. So I'm speaking from experience, and I'm only four years older than you.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I think you misunderstood me on every level lol

I think I understand pretty well. So if you don't do well with actual in-person relationships, how can an online relationship possibly be healthy for either of you? Eventually he's gonna want to meet you in real life, and possibly pursue more of a relationship. Just how do you plan on doing that in person if you're too scared to? And how can your relationship with God ever grow, when you're too busy looking for guys on a dating app? You want to have a healthy relationship? Get right with God first THEN he will send you a relationship. But this looking for friends on a dating site has got to stop. This will NOT end well. What happens the next time you get scared again and block him out? He will get tired of that real fast. And he'll go find someone with less issues than you. Jsr hit it on the head: you are NOT ready for ANY type of relationship.

 

[Fenner]

Quirky Girl, why does this particular guy make you so anxious? Do you find him attractive and you're afraid of ruining the relationship? I'm asking because I don't know, and I just want to help. You remind me of myself at your age, you really do. I'm glad you're going to get professional help. Just talking about insecurities and working those out will help you.

I think you just need to chill and wait for this guy to respond. If he's just a friend then no pressure right? Even if you wanted more we have no control over someone else's feelings, so also look at that as no pressure.

If I was your Mom , I would say, pick up a good book and start reading. Just keep your mind occupied with something else.

God bless you honey.

 

[cinder]

I honestly want a friend and people to talk to on the dating sites. And I do not do good with in person relationships. I am very awkward and many Christian guys can't get past my awkwardness to see the real me.

So my relationship with God is going to take a lot of work and I am going to work on it but I need some serious help with that. Like professional help. I am getting it but it is going to take years. God will not fix this overnight. It's a lot. I can't sit around in isolation and wait for God to just snap his fingers and fix everything. I need to actively move towards trying to have healthy relationships. I think this guy may be a good way for me to start....

Most people don't go to dating sites to form platonic "just friends" relationships. And seeking out a "special guy friend" that you're not officially dating no matter how emotionally attached you get, there's just no way through that without a whole lot of emotional chaos . I would say there's an element of deception present in lurking around the dating sites with no intent to date, and it's a crappy place to meet guys who want to be just friends without any of the sexual type of benefits, like looking for someone who's really good at hog roasting at the annual vegetarians convention. Don't kid yourself and don't treat them like objects to be used for your own validation.

On the practical side of loneliness and learning to form healthy relationships, CC is a great place to start especially if doing the whole in person thing is a bit daunting right now. Getting plugged in to a church and involved in a small group is also a good idea. Finding some women who can mentor you and model healthy relationships is also a good idea. Start by just trying to form healthy friendships with other women, leave the whole romance thing until you are further along the path of healing. And don't put all your relational eggs in one basket, yes it's a lot of work to build multiple friendships, but no one single person is going to be able to be your sole support and the friend you always turn to and dump on.

As for this current friendship (and any other guys who come along in life), just keep reminding yourself that there is time to let things develop naturally. I have a personality that wants to have everything defined and settled now (and usually can see the patterns and trends and know where things are going to end up), so this is a hard one for me too, but sometimes you just have to give things time to develop and grow. But "actively moving towards healthy relationships" should look more like joining a club or small group or bible study and beginning to practice relating to people in person, and a whole lot less like confiding deep personal stuff in some random person you just met over the internet, that's not a healthy pattern to develop.

 

[BruceWayne]

More or less agree with the above posts. If you can't do it in person, then what's the endgame? Is seems like a waste of time to me. And also, if you made it clear to him that you're just friends, his eyes will absolutely look elsewhere. Don't be surprised or hurt when he finds someone ready for a relationship. He's not attached to you and guys don't like complicated. Few will wait for that.

 

[BurlyCarl]

You basicly Ghosted him. He has moved on. I dont understand why you would ghost the guy if everything checked out ok. Take notes ladies a guy does not like being ghoasted. Then you have some kind of ephany, the go searching for him. Its like blowing holes in your own ship.

You cant expect him to wait around. His number probrobly moved on. New number. New Skype id. The old saying is dont let opportunities pass yoh buy.

His feelings are hurt. Yes guys have feelings too. I would be upset if I had a really good connection and poof they were gone. Wait... yes i have experienced that. Its no fun for us guys. When a guy says he will be back take his word for it. And wait. Just not forever.

You said you wanted health boundary. However yoj blew up his message box with a lot of messages. That says to a guy you are needy and clingy. Just as much as guy you are not attracted to do to you.

You sent him manual!? What? He probably looked at it and read over alot of unrealistic expectations that he Couldn't fullfil. Advice... You have to love in such a way. That the other person feels free. Take it from a guy point of view. All these rules and expectations. He feels he cant breath.

Just being honest. If someone sent me alot of messages and a Harry Potter of expectations and rules. I would loose my interest. I would feel the pressure. I would feel comfortable. And i would say uh "ok". Too much pressure. It doesn't feel free or smooth. Feels constricting. Its a turn off. Not interest in being instantly locked down.

 

[Willie-T]

It's hard enough not to present someone you actually are not when dating in person. Online, I would imagine it would be far too easy to sell who you are not at all.

Then, when you finally meet.......... basically, you find you are suddenly discovering an almost total stranger.

 

[T_Laurich]

My sister ended up meeting someone at the fair last year... He shows cattle, she shows sheep... And since i used to show cattle she kinda knew what to talk about and they hit it off...
Both are still in school but they went to different schools... So after the fair they started texting eachother 24/7 and my sister would say this guy is perfect and what not...
I told her stop texting him and call him, because the next time they met it would be awkward... She didnt take my advice and continued to text him for 2 more weeks non stop...
He then asked he on a date, and it was extremely awkward for them... They thought they knew everything about eachother, but texting breaks down fake walls... And when u meet in person all those walls you broke down belonged to poeple who dont exist...

I know you probably feel really lonely but, and i know it feels like that feeling will only get worse and never stop... But just hang in there...