What should I do?

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ManiaStar

Senior Member
Nov 14, 2015
381
29
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#1
The day before Memorial day something happened with someone I had called a friend. After that I no longer wanted anything to do with him.

This guy has a gf and I figured it best since I was no longer going to speak to him, I shouldn't speak to her either but, she has no idea what he did to me and I don't want to tell her.

However, she's been messaging me on n off on fb since before memorial day and I've just been ignoring her.

Just about 15 min ago, she msg me again asking me how I was doing and she asked me if she did anything to make me angry since I no longer speak to her.

I feel so bad wanting to respond however, I almost feel it's best to not converse with her but Idk if that's the right thing to do bc she and I did get along fairly well and I have no issues with her.

But since I'm no longer friends with her bf and want nothing to do with him, I feel I shouldn't be talking to her either.

What should I do as my conscious has been hitting me most times when she msgs me yet I still ignore her. :(
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,860
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#2
Be honest. Tell her why you don't want to talk to her. Then block her from whatever media you are on. If you don't tell her what that guy did to you, then he may do it to her, and you do NOT want THAT on your conscience..
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
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#3
I agree with Blue you really need to tell her.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,327
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#4
Agreed. Tell her what he did (she needs to know what kind of guy she's dating). And don't feel like you have to avoid her just because you're avoiding him, just make it clear that you absolutely don't want to be around him anymore, and she can choose whether she's willing to continue her friendship with you under those conditions or not.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#5
Yep. Tell her. Be prepared for her not to believe you and cause a rift. But you need to do the right thing by her. But how she responds you can't control.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
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Tennessee
#6
Tell her the truth and that you don't need that drama in your life, and then move forward with your life.
 
W

Woeful_Wretch_am_I

Guest
#7
Pray about it and then copy everything you posted here into a private FB message to her and tell her that you'd like her advice on the matter.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,860
9,579
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#8
Pray about it and then copy everything you posted here into a private FB message to her and tell her that you'd like her advice on the matter.

BAD idea. Very bad idea. I don't think her friend would appreciate that MS went onto a public forum first and told all of us, instead of talking directly about the situation to her beforehand. MS needs to be upfront and honest with her friend, but telling her friend that half the internet knows what's going on won't help the situation at all.
 

ManiaStar

Senior Member
Nov 14, 2015
381
29
28
#9
i agree w/ praying about it but, i guess my hope was to NOT tell her about any of this but, only tell her that I am not mad at her about anything and that it's something else but it's better that I stay quiet. I really am afraid to open up a can of worms being that she has been together w/ him for 10 years now and, my mind feels so disrupted by all this.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#10
Personally, I think you are being pretty small and petty about this. Even here, you have tried to garner a defensive force behind you, when the only thing any of these people who are now rallying behind you were ever told is "something happened". Are you afraid that if you tell her what it was, that she will see you may have blown something all out of proportion?

And, if you are now going to come back on here and claim he hit on you or something like that, why is it that you couldn't have simply said that right up front to complete strangers on a forum whom you will never even meet?
 
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ManiaStar

Senior Member
Nov 14, 2015
381
29
28
#11
Personally, I think you are being pretty small and petty about this. Even here, you have tried to garner a defensive force behind you, when the only thing any of these people who are now rallying behind you were ever told is "something happened". Are you afraid that if you tell her what it was, that she will see you may have blown something all out of proportion?

And, if you are now going to come back on here and claim he hit on you or something like that, why is it that you couldn't have simply said that right up front to complete strangers on a forum whom you will never even meet?

I think my fear of for NOT telling her, is I don't want to mess anything up btwn her and her bf since they've been together for 10 years. Could he have just made a mistake, could he have seen something that wasn't there? Possibly. I believe in second chances and I do not want to ruin her relationship w/ him over what he did to me.

He did much more then just hit on me but, I do not like talking about it. I've only told 3 people what he did to me, I'm no longer friends w/ him on FB, no longer speak to him at all. But, yes, she's the innocent party in all this and it's just difficult for me to figure out what the right thing is to really do. I guess part of me is paranoid that someone I know will be on here, see this and then it's all over. So, I cover myself and will not share what exactly happened to protect myself, and protect others.
 
Feb 7, 2015
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#12
Then I guess you should just accept what you have decided needs to be, and not mention it again to anyone, anywhere.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
337
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#14
This guy has a gf and I figured it best since I was no longer going to speak to him, I shouldn't speak to her either but, she has no idea what he did to me and I don't want to tell her.

However, she's been messaging me on n off on fb since before memorial day and I've just been ignoring her.

What should I do as my conscious has been hitting me most times when she msgs me yet I still ignore her. :(
Sounds pretty cold to me... Your ignoring one person because you don't like what another person did to you. That's why your conscious bothers you, its not fair. Don't you think this girl deserves an explanation of why you cut her off? You don't need to be specific or interfere with their relationship, but I'd tell her what you've told us. Don't be a fair-weather friend by hiding from her because of your previous interaction with her boy friend. Its best to be forthright instead of leaving her hanging in the wind and wondering why you suddenly hate her. Your angry and leaving an innocent friend clueless of why you won't communicate.. jmo
 

Born_Again

Senior Member
Nov 15, 2014
1,581
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#15
Ignoring people is a fine art. Just block them or whatever virtual ignore you want to use and then forget they exist.
 
Mar 11, 2016
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Singapore
abigail.pro
#16
Well, coming from another perspective, if you value her and wanna 'protect' her, maybe she deserves to know what kind of a jerkasaurus her bf is? If he did more than hit on you, and you're leaving her out of all this, she has the right to be angry. Well, she probably won't believe you and even stop talking to you, but hey, that's the desired outcome, right?

If you're looking for an easy way out, just block and ignore her until she gives up trying to know why. But the guilt might make it hard for you.

Either way, it wouldn't be pleasant.
 
R

renewed_hope

Guest
#17
Ignoring people is NEVER the answer for anything. Reason I say this is because when you ignore someone for one it shows how immature you are to allow man to come between your friendship. Do you still like talking to her and enjoy her friendship? Well, it's kind of selfish to turn your back on a friend because of who she is dating. Be her friend and tell her to be careful with him because you don't want her to get hurt and move forward. It's not fair to have her pay the consequence of what this man did to you and if he does the same thing to her don't you think she needs a friend to help her out of it? If you say goodbye now, who will she turn to? Plus the bible does say to turn the other cheek. I don't mean to sound judgmental but it does look like you need to forgive this man for hurting you because you are stunting what God may have next for you. Holding on to unforgiveness is exhausting and a heavy load. Another thing is to pray for both of them that God quickly becomes in control
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,860
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#18
I think my fear of for NOT telling her, is I don't want to mess anything up btwn her and her bf since they've been together for 10 years. Could he have just made a mistake, could he have seen something that wasn't there? Possibly. I believe in second chances and I do not want to ruin her relationship w/ him over what he did to me.

He did much more then just hit on me but, I do not like talking about it. I've only told 3 people what he did to me, I'm no longer friends w/ him on FB, no longer speak to him at all. But, yes, she's the innocent party in all this and it's just difficult for me to figure out what the right thing is to really do. I guess part of me is paranoid that someone I know will be on here, see this and then it's all over. So, I cover myself and will not share what exactly happened to protect myself, and protect others.

OK, here's a dose of reality. By keeping quiet to her about what her boyfriend did to you, you are protecting his sorry butt. Big fat deal whether she's been with him 10 years, or 10 days. If he's attacked you, or hit on you, I guarantee he's done it to others. You are putting your friend in danger by not telling her what a jerk he is. What if he does the same thing to her, even though she says "no"? Smarten up, get some chutzpah and TELL HER.

You won't come out and say it precisely, but it's pretty obvious that he violated you in a sexual way. This guy is a rapist, and you're protecting him. You're enabling him to keep getting away with it. Grow up!! It's NOT the end of the world if he and this girl end up breaking up. She'd be much better off. Guess what, if you wanna stay friends with her, you are going to have to deal with seeing him occasionally as well. IMO, you're not much of a good friend if you DONT tell her what he did to you.

Stop enabling this rapist!! :mad: If she gets mad at you, then she wasn't much of a true friend to begin with. She may just thank you for telling her. Who knows, maybe he did the same thing to her, and SHE was just too afraid to say something. Don't be the cause of him attacking and violating another woman.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#19
I 100 percent agree with Blue. If I was the girl with the bad boyfriend who hurt someone, I'd want to know. She might be angry at first but in time she might thank you. Good luck, I'm sure it's not easy.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,860
9,579
113
#20
I know one thing for sure, I certainly wish that in all 4 of my relationships, that their previous exes had told me what the guy was like. Would have saved me alot of heartache AND would have saved me from getting raped also. Had I known beforehand what jerks they all turned out to be, I would have been on my knees thanking the exes for telling me.