Fisherman Dating: No Bites on This Line? Check the Others or Throw Another One Out!!!

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

A conversation with two good friends inspired this thread today...

We were talking about the fact that in the world of online dating, so many people to seem to be "in such a hurry." For example, they want your number right away. They want to call you that very minute or evening. They then want you to decide if you're willing to be their boyfriend/girlfriend before the conversation ends. And if you haven't decided that you want to marry them by the end of the week... they've already moved on, because there's just no time to spare!

With online dating sites, it's also very common to find the "Multi-Tasking Dater"--the one who sends out multiple (copied) emails to mass numbers of potential dates, hoping to get at least one bite on the line. And hey... if they don't get a response from one line, that's ok--because they have at least 20 more lines baited and set and if none of those result in a response, another copy-and-pasted batch can be sent out to 20 more lucky recipients in only a matter of clicks.

If dating is a race between the tortoise and the hare, you can guess which one I am. I seem to average maybe, MAYBE, 2 dates a year. Three, if I really try to pick up the pace (is anyone here feeling winded by that HUGE blast of speed or is it just me?) And part of it is because I take a long time to get to know one person at a time, let alone moving on to exchanging numbers and then possibly meeting (I insist on several months of just email exchanges first, because I figure if someone is willing to get to know me in a slower, more "old-fashioned way", they're at least sincere. And, it gives me a chance to really get to know them, because if I'm interested, I want to know who they really are.)

But I also realize that this could be unfair to someone who doesn't communicate well in writing, so I do try to be open-minded about keeping different avenues of communicating on the table.

However, I've always been leery of potential dates who seem to be in a big hurry or who make me feel pressured or rushed. I've just learned that time seems to bring out a lot of potential issues that rushing or being in a hurry conveniently glosses over.

And, to be completely honest, I'm always thinking, "If this person could so easily replace me now, wouldn't that make it all the more easy to replace me later on as well?"

I'd always be worried about saying or doing the "right" things because after all, if I dared say anything wrong or make one wrong move, that person could probably replace me within the hour, and I'd rather just avoid the heartache from the beginning.

On the other hand, I know people are often "in a hurry" to find love, and to many of the younger singles out there, I realize that a person like me is their worst possible nightmare ("42 years old... and SINGLE???? EVEN DEATH WOULD BE A BETTER FATE THAN THAT!!!") But personally, I've come to believe that time (and God) really can be on your side.

What are your thoughts on the "Hurry Up" culture of dating? In a world where everything from our clothes to our phones to people themselves are seen as disposable, who needs to waste their time when another possibility is just a click away?

* What do you think of "Fisherman Dating"? Do you prefer the "GO GO GO GOTTA KEEP MOVIN'!!!" approach, or do you take your time? And why?

* Do you believe someone with a "Hurry Up, Time's a Wastin'" attitude toward dating would stay faithful if you started a relationship with them, or would they be apt to hurry up and move on?

* What are your thoughts on how to navigate the world of dating that's both efficient (doesn't waste either person's time), but yet is respectful of the feelings of everyone involved?

I would love to hear your input!!!

(And for my two friends who contributed to this idea--"L" and "X"--you guys are awesome! :))

Oh, and one more shout out to my friend Y, who kept saying, "Post that thread! C'mon! Hurry up!!! Where's it at???!! I'm waiting!!"

So much for writing a thread about no pressure... without any pressure. :rolleyes: Lol. :)

Please feel free to voice your thoughts, and happy sharing! :D
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#2
I heard one person refer to it as strip mining dating. Plow through all available prospects as fast as possible. It probably damages a lot more along the way than other methods, and you probably waste some opportunities that other methods would not have wasted, but it gets the job done rapidly and with less effort.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#3
Obligatory picking at seoulsearch:

So Kim, wanna hit that barbecue place on the south side tonight? I'll pick up the engagement ring on the way. We can get the wedding rings tomorrow.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#4
I believe that fisherman dating requires skill and patience. You have to use the right lure, know the waters that you are fishing in, and you must know when to reel the line in or let more line out once you have a bite. You must know when to tug on the line if you get a nibble and how to land the catch. Sometimes it's best to use a net.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#5
Obligatory picking at seoulsearch:

So Kim, wanna hit that barbecue place on the south side tonight? I'll pick up the engagement ring on the way. We can get the wedding rings tomorrow.
Knowing you, Lynx, your idea of an engagement ring would be something like a thin strip of prosciutto. :rolleyes:

I couldn't even say it might be a ring from a Cracker Jack box because I'm pretty sure Cracker Jacks are below your well-honed foodie preferences. :)
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#6
Nothing wrong with caramel popcorn. But a noodle ring would not be durable enough. I'd have to at least use a twist tie. :D
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#7
Nothing wrong with caramel popcorn. But a noodle ring would not be durable enough. I'd have to at least use a twist tie. :D
Not to be picky but...

I'm being picky.

It's gotta be a red one, at least.

An enduring symbol of all the pain we've put each other through in these threads over the years. :D
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#8
Before I really started following Christ and behaving myself and before I started dating Dave, I had a lot of boyfriends. I'm not saying that in a bragging way. I guess I was the Taylor Swift of the nineties, except I wasn't rich or famous. I wouldn't reccomend the dating a lot of people lifestyle, it really isn't healthy. We didn't have on line dating when I was dating. We had meet someone through a friend or meet someone at a bar, that always turned out well or meet someone at a party.

A friend of mine actually said if neither one of us was married by the time we were 35, we'd marry each other. We made this commitment over beer and Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. I got married first when I was 29. My friend got married and divorced.

So this online dating stuff sounds Intense. I would think if someone was interested in you they'd take time getting to know you. That's how I would say you found a keeper. If someone has 20 other people lined up, that would scare me. The world of dating is hard, isn't it? Marriage isn't always a piece of cake but dating sounds nuts.

I try to forget a lot about that time because it's not the person I am now. So dating, flirting, figuring out all the logistics sounds hard. I will give anyone out in the world this advice. When you meet someone it should be easy. You shouldn't have to beg for their attention or change positive thing's about yourself. It should be comfortable and easy to talk to the person. Your life goals should be similar. You shouldn't have to be the one doing all the work. I felt that way with Dave pretty early on.

Our second date date was on New Years Eve, we didn't do anything fancy, went to a couple of small parties. When he came to pick me up I was having a problem. I had a cat that had been hanging out by my apartment. I needed to find a place for her to go because it was cold. There weren't any animal shelters open. So I was dealing with that. He came to my door I wasn't ready at all, in fact I had a couple rollers in my hair. I apologized and he was really cool about it and helped me find a place for her, no big deal. I really felt so at ease with him. I'm not saying our relationship is or ever has been perfect but that comfort thing and being able to be yourself around someone is very important
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
24,555
13,320
113
#9
I am in the process of looking for someone, and use online dating sites. Yes, plural, because as I signed up for one, and found only a few local gals, none of whom piqued my interest. It's a paid site too... d'oh!

In about three months of having an online profile, I have initiated contact with perhaps ten or fifteen gals, and have received absolutely nothing in response (not even "No thanks"). So why would I wait around? No response in a few days, move on; she's not interested, obviously. The only contacts I have had are with gals who contacted me first. I don't use mass messaging, and though I think it's a bit sleazy, I can understand why a less-picky guy might.

I read recently that for one site, on average, a guy can expect a response (any response!) to between one in ten and one in 25 messages, while a gal receiving several dozen messages each day is common. I'm not trying to throw blame, but I suspect that if guys were more selective, gals might be more likely to respond when they do receive a message. It's not a perfect system by any means.

I am in no hurry as such, but the idea of communicating for months by e-mail before a gal would be willing to meet in person seems a bit extreme. I think a couple of weeks is realistic. After all, in the real world, you would meet in person right away, unless it was a blind date. The only reason I would hold for waiting (other than distance) is to determine whether to meet the person at all. If I were interested, I would prefer to meet the gal and get a better sense of who she is. No need to progress to bf/gf right away, but also no need or demand to be exclusive to what is really only a potential relationship.

I guess I'm more of a fly fisherman than a trawler (and don't read too much into that). Just my $0.015. :)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,581
113
#10
Great points, Dino!

I guess when I say a few months, what I mean is that I guess I'm used to maybe both people being busy and they're only able to write a couple times a week, or maybe even only once a week (because of work, kids, etc.) and that's why it might take a little longer. I do try to be open-minded depending how conversation and chemistry goes.

I don't think there are necessarily any right or wrong answers--I certainly think that different things work for different people--and it's been very cool to read about what other people have been through or think.

Great thoughts from everyone... Hope you'll keep them coming!
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#11
It sounds like getting a dog might be the best option. Just kidding.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#12
I am in the process of looking for someone, and use online dating sites. Yes, plural, because as I signed up for one, and found only a few local gals, none of whom piqued my interest. It's a paid site too... d'oh!

In about three months of having an online profile, I have initiated contact with perhaps ten or fifteen gals, and have received absolutely nothing in response (not even "No thanks"). So why would I wait around? No response in a few days, move on; she's not interested, obviously. The only contacts I have had are with gals who contacted me first. I don't use mass messaging, and though I think it's a bit sleazy, I can understand why a less-picky guy might.

I read recently that for one site, on average, a guy can expect a response (any response!) to between one in ten and one in 25 messages, while a gal receiving several dozen messages each day is common. I'm not trying to throw blame, but I suspect that if guys were more selective, gals might be more likely to respond when they do receive a message. It's not a perfect system by any means.

I am in no hurry as such, but the idea of communicating for months by e-mail before a gal would be willing to meet in person seems a bit extreme. I think a couple of weeks is realistic. After all, in the real world, you would meet in person right away, unless it was a blind date. The only reason I would hold for waiting (other than distance) is to determine whether to meet the person at all. If I were interested, I would prefer to meet the gal and get a better sense of who she is. No need to progress to bf/gf right away, but also no need or demand to be exclusive to what is really only a potential relationship.

I guess I'm more of a fly fisherman than a trawler (and don't read too much into that). Just my $0.015. :)

Has my Canadian dating thread helped at all? :)
 
Jun 14, 2016
193
141
43
#13
Ah, for me, I haven't been too concerned about dating. I felt it was more of a social pressure instilled in me when I was in the 6th or 7th grade. There have been times I've had feelings for different women during the course of my life, but things just never seemed to work out. Of course I would love to be with a lovely woman :D. I know when God places her in my life, things will shift :D. I've had dreams about her, and I believe I may have an idea of what she looks like, if she looks like how she does in my dreams. I hope she does, because then I can truly say she's the girl of my dreams :eek:
 
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#15
I am in the process of looking for someone, and use online dating sites. Yes, plural, because as I signed up for one, and found only a few local gals, none of whom piqued my interest. It's a paid site too... d'oh!
This was my experience with on-line dating too, ha. I was on eHarmony, where it shows the other person that you looked at their profile. This one guy would check my profile but not contact me. A few weeks later I would check his. A month later he'd check mine. I looked at his later on (we weren't stalking one another, just... there were only a handful of profiles in our very small town - I actually knew who he was, even) and he contacted me with a note that said "Yeah... pickings are slim in [our town] huh?" We both had a good laugh and went on about our business. Hahaha.

I read recently that for one site, on average, a guy can expect a response (any response!) to between one in ten and one in 25 messages, while a gal receiving several dozen messages each day is common. I'm not trying to throw blame, but I suspect that if guys were more selective, gals might be more likely to respond when they do receive a message. It's not a perfect system by any means.
Hmmm, good point. I think if initial contact was more thoughtful and deliberate, people would be more likely to get in the habit of responding. Though I also believe that with on-line dating, people have been lulled into this feeling that it's okay to just ignore someone because you don't know them and will never meet them anyway. It's really pretty rude to do that to someone who wrote a personal note to you. The only messages I ever ignored were the very obvious cut-and-paste ones that I knew were sent to multiple women, or obnoxious pick-up lines. Guys, for future reference, always include something personal about the person you're writing. "I noticed you were into tennis", etc... so they know that you really did read their profile and found them genuinely interesting.

I am in no hurry as such, but the idea of communicating for months by e-mail before a gal would be willing to meet in person seems a bit extreme. I think a couple of weeks is realistic. After all, in the real world, you would meet in person right away, unless it was a blind date. The only reason I would hold for waiting (other than distance) is to determine whether to meet the person at all. If I were interested, I would prefer to meet the gal and get a better sense of who she is. No need to progress to bf/gf right away, but also no need or demand to be exclusive to what is really only a potential relationship.
I agree with this. I think that for people looking to date, meeting as soon as possible is best. I would not want to drag it out to the point that we've become emotionally attached one another only to meet and find out that in person, we aren't really compatible at all. If meeting isn't possible, at least set up a skype date.

Having said that, I also feel that it's not a bad thing to take it slow and just hang out casually for a while before entering an exclusive relationship. I'm a freaker-outer if I feel pressured or rushed. That's a good way to make me run for the hills. :p So for me, I'd say meet in person without delay (if it's online) but keep things casual until you are pretty certain that you want to try for a serious relationship.
 

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#16
Kim for the win!

Hey Everyone,

A conversation with two good friends inspired this thread today...

We were talking about the fact that in the world of online dating, so many people to seem to be "in such a hurry." For example, they want your number right away. They want to call you that very minute or evening. They then want you to decide if you're willing to be their boyfriend/girlfriend before the conversation ends. And if you haven't decided that you want to marry them by the end of the week... they've already moved on, because there's just no time to spare!

With online dating sites, it's also very common to find the "Multi-Tasking Dater"--the one who sends out multiple (copied) emails to mass numbers of potential dates, hoping to get at least one bite on the line. And hey... if they don't get a response from one line, that's ok--because they have at least 20 more lines baited and set and if none of those result in a response, another copy-and-pasted batch can be sent out to 20 more lucky recipients in only a matter of clicks.

If dating is a race between the tortoise and the hare, you can guess which one I am. I seem to average maybe, MAYBE, 2 dates a year. Three, if I really try to pick up the pace (is anyone here feeling winded by that HUGE blast of speed or is it just me?) And part of it is because I take a long time to get to know one person at a time, let alone moving on to exchanging numbers and then possibly meeting (I insist on several months of just email exchanges first, because I figure if someone is willing to get to know me in a slower, more "old-fashioned way", they're at least sincere. And, it gives me a chance to really get to know them, because if I'm interested, I want to know who they really are.)

But I also realize that this could be unfair to someone who doesn't communicate well in writing, so I do try to be open-minded about keeping different avenues of communicating on the table.

However, I've always been leery of potential dates who seem to be in a big hurry or who make me feel pressured or rushed. I've just learned that time seems to bring out a lot of potential issues that rushing or being in a hurry conveniently glosses over.

And, to be completely honest, I'm always thinking, "If this person could so easily replace me now, wouldn't that make it all the more easy to replace me later on as well?"

I'd always be worried about saying or doing the "right" things because after all, if I dared say anything wrong or make one wrong move, that person could probably replace me within the hour, and I'd rather just avoid the heartache from the beginning.

On the other hand, I know people are often "in a hurry" to find love, and to many of the younger singles out there, I realize that a person like me is their worst possible nightmare ("42 years old... and SINGLE???? EVEN DEATH WOULD BE A BETTER FATE THAN THAT!!!") But personally, I've come to believe that time (and God) really can be on your side.

What are your thoughts on the "Hurry Up" culture of dating? In a world where everything from our clothes to our phones to people themselves are seen as disposable, who needs to waste their time when another possibility is just a click away?

* What do you think of "Fisherman Dating"? Do you prefer the "GO GO GO GOTTA KEEP MOVIN'!!!" approach, or do you take your time? And why?

* Do you believe someone with a "Hurry Up, Time's a Wastin'" attitude toward dating would stay faithful if you started a relationship with them, or would they be apt to hurry up and move on?

* What are your thoughts on how to navigate the world of dating that's both efficient (doesn't waste either person's time), but yet is respectful of the feelings of everyone involved?

I would love to hear your input!!!

(And for my two friends who contributed to this idea--"L" and "X"--you guys are awesome! :))

Oh, and one more shout out to my friend Y, who kept saying, "Post that thread! C'mon! Hurry up!!! Where's it at???!! I'm waiting!!"

So much for writing a thread about no pressure... without any pressure. :rolleyes: Lol. :)

Please feel free to voice your thoughts, and happy sharing! :D
Yes...yes I see...well...





__________________________

...but actually...

What are your thoughts on the "Hurry Up" culture of dating? In a world where everything from our clothes to our phones to people themselves are seen as disposable, who needs to waste their time when another possibility is just a click away?



I think self/instant gratification plays a large role. It's sad, but seems to be increasingly prevalent (dating or otherwise).

That's not to say that people in a hurry can't have good, lasting relationships by any means, but that has a lot more to do with things like commitment, determination, duty/obligation to certain morals or values, etc...

I remember in some of my past conversations, there were women who found my speed turtle-like compared to theirs, and others who saw me as the hare. I suppose, as with most things, it all depends.

So, I suppose it's not so much the speed as the content. I know people who took it slow that broke up, and I've known people who seemed to jump from partner to partner (like a dance) that obviously broke up. I think the prior would be harder to recover from than the later, but both probably have their own detrimental effects.


* What do you think of "Fisherman Dating"? Do you prefer the "GO GO GO GOTTA KEEP MOVIN'!!!" approach, or do you take your time? And why?

Well, it does seem to have a cheapening aspect to the experience. I was never a fan of 'speed dating' (like at tables) or anything like that. I will say, however, that I've been guilty of the 'fishing' intro. I tended to tweak that first message based on who it was being sent to (their likes, comments, etc from the profile when I was on Eharmony), and just like you said Kim...did so in hopes of a bite from one.

The issue you run into there, though, is if more than one person 'bites' at a time. You move forward in a relationship with all of them (or rather, shouldn't), so you inevitably have to decide on one while simultaneously losing out on the others. You'd have to do that anyway, though, once you pick a partner, so I guess one could look at it like practice in a way.

I'd say I'm probably in the middle. "It just takes some time, little girl..in the middle, out the ride... Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything...Everything will be alright."

I tend to want communication from that person, but am turned off by what you described in your message. (You're talking to me?! What's your address, cell number, skype, and facebook! Let's be a couple!)

Um..I just met you, and this is crazy... Try getting to know me first, and then dating...maybe...

Now, I know there are different approaches. Some just want to date immediately, found out if it works while dating, and then either bail or get married. I'd rather have some idea of whether or not you're someone I want to be around all the time for years and years before I ever even date you...so...*shrugs*





* Do you believe someone with a "Hurry Up, Time's a Wastin'" attitude toward dating would stay faithful if you started a relationship with them, or would they be apt to hurry up and move on?

I honestly don't know. (*see values/life-binding principles statement*) It depends on the person.


* What are your thoughts on how to navigate the world of dating that's both efficient (doesn't waste either person's time), but yet is respectful of the feelings of everyone involved?

I really don't know, Kim. This whole romantic relationship experiment has so many variables in both conditions and material... It really all just depends, again... I know that seems like a cop-out answer, but it really is true.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#17
For some reason I'm reminded of lyrics from a Natalie Cole song

"We've got forever
If we don't use it up too fast"
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
12,821
8,596
113
#18
This thread is a perfect microcosm of the difference between men and women.
MONTHS of online communication before even a phone call? I'm a little surprised that you have had 2 or 3 dates a year. I don't know a single thing about online dating, and praise the Lord I haven't had to date in over 25 yrs, but I know guys, and very few that are interested in dating are going to wait months before meeting, much less phone calls.

I hate to sound harsh, and pray the right guy comes along, but you might want to rethink your tactics regarding timeframes.
 
U

Ultimatum77

Guest
#19
This thread is a perfect microcosm of the difference between men and women.
MONTHS of online communication before even a phone call? I'm a little surprised that you have had 2 or 3 dates a year. I don't know a single thing about online dating, and praise the Lord I haven't had to date in over 25 yrs, but I know guys, and very few that are interested in dating are going to wait months before meeting, much less phone calls.

I hate to sound harsh, and pray the right guy comes along, but you might want to rethink your tactics regarding timeframes.
Yea maybe 2 weeks of email at most, months of emails just won't cut it now a days (we're not in the time of the pony express people lol) people want instant communication to determine if the person is worth their time or not b/c time is precious and we have so little on this Earth as it is!

Again seoulsearch, not being harsh but I agree with PennEd you may want to change your approach with regard to communication....so you can go get 'em! :)
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
12,821
8,596
113
#20
Yea maybe 2 weeks of email at most, months of emails just won't cut it now a days (we're not in the time of the pony express people lol) people want instant communication to determine if the person is worth their time or not b/c time is precious and we have so little on this Earth as it is!

Again seoulsearch, not being harsh but I agree with PennEd you may want to change your approach with regard to communication....so you can go get 'em! :)
I think unfortunately Hollywood has built this fantasy about romance with movies like "You've got mail", "The Notebook", and the flick about ghosts showing up at a lake, amongst others, that just isn't reality.

We are ALL broken people, full of flaws. The trick is to see those flaws as endearing qualities in our mates, not things that we just can't take another second dealing with.

So I don't think there is a perfect soulmate out there for each person. I believe the Lord will put a broken, full of flaws person, that will BECOME our soulmate.