Compromising Your Identity For Love

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GirlandTheWord

Guest
#1
The season of singleness is notorious for being taken for granted. Whether we treat our singleness recklessly or simply despise this season of life altogether, we rarely find ourselves making peace with our single statuses. Too often, we rely on the thought of a significant other to motivate us to become our best selves. This could manifest in the most ordinary ways, like wanting to get in shape to attract a mate to, more dangerously, changing the sweet eccentricities of our character to fit into someone else’s mold of what is desirable. When we are not careful about guarding our hearts, we can actually lose our grasp on who we are at our core, which is God’s Beloved.



I hope this post will bless my readers.. :)
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Yeraza_Bats

Senior Member
Dec 11, 2014
3,632
175
63
35
#2
I do actually often think about the idea of acting in a way that doesnt feel natural to you just to be more pleasing to a mate, its something that I want to avoid : p Though I cant say its entirely biblical? Id like to see how the bible fits into this.
 
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GirlandTheWord

Guest
#3
I do actually often think about the idea of acting in a way that doesnt feel natural to you just to be more pleasing to a mate, its something that I want to avoid : p Though I cant say its entirely biblical? Id like to see how the bible fits into this.
Sorry for the confusion! Since I'm new, I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to include a link to my post so that's why it doesn't really make sense :). Here's the rest of the article:

The season of singleness is notorious for being taken for granted. Whether we treat our singleness recklessly or simply despise this season of life altogether, we rarely find ourselves making peace with our single statuses. Too often, we rely on the thought of a significant other to motivate us to become our best selves. This could manifest in the most ordinary ways, like wanting to get in shape to attract a mate to, more dangerously, changing the sweet eccentricities of our character to fit into someone else’s mold of what is desirable. When we are not careful about guarding our hearts, we can actually lose our grasp on who we are at our core, which is God’s Beloved.

When I experienced my first love as a budding adolescence, I thought I had a pretty firm grasp on my own character. Just because I had a vague idea of the person I wanted to be at that time, I didn’t think twice about giving such a significant portion of myself to another person. To please my young love, I would listen to music that I knew he liked. We all had a MySpace back then, so I would check his song list often and made sure that I downloaded every new song he had onto my iPod. I began wearing makeup for the first time because he hinted that he wanted to see me with makeup on. I wore clothes that portrayed a certain image because I knew that he was attracted to girls who looked a certain way. This desire to please him escalated to the point where I gave up more than just my body, my image, and my interests; I ended up surrendering my values as well—all in the heavily misconceived name of Love.

Late one afternoon, he offered me half of what looked like a Tylenol. I immediately felt the numbness of adrenaline because I knew what was coming. He was going to penetrate any trace of innocence that was left of my little-girl self. I refused to take the pill again and again, but I could tell that the more I refused, the angrier he became. In the end, I ingested the broken ecstasy.

Weeks flew by, and I slowly found myself growing more comfortable in the cocoon that I’d spun. I enjoyed applying makeup, wearing spaghetti straps and sweat pants, listening to his music, and reveling in our lustful relationship. I didn’t stop for even a second to think who I would be without him because I was so overwhelmingly and painfully in love and interested in us. Just as I grew snug in this new character that I created, my young love decided that he got bored with me and left. It was as simple and matter-of-fact as a slap in the face.

Overnight, I went from loving my direction in life to not having a clue as to who I am. I became self-destructive from feeling so incredibly lost and abandoned. Little did I know, however, God was actually planning to work through all of my sins and mistakes to bring me back into his loving embrace. I failed to guard my heart and this terrible foolishness led me astray, but God reached out to me at my darkest moment and reminded me that I am fearlessly and ferociously LOVED. With God as the one who determines our identity, there is no longer any need for us to find our identity in other people.

In the book of 2 Corinthians, chapter 6, Paul records that the wisdom of the Lord advises us to be different from the world. The word of God doesn’t ask us to judge the world or point fingers at the world, but rather stay away from its filthy temptations and guard our spirits and bodies out of our respect for God, who created us in love (2 Cor 7:1). What does it mean to guard your heart, spirit, or body, you might ask? In the framework of romantic relationships, guarding yourself means that you choose to surrender your desires and temptations to God’s will. It means that you will seek His wisdom and guidance first before you pursue a man or woman, and you will obey the good things that He has to say even if it’s against what you want in the moment. Giving up your identity, your calling, or the gifts that make you so unique in order to win over a significant other is dangerous and simply does not work. As demonstrated by my testimony and the testimonies of countless others, wanting to please people by exchanging our identities for their love will always end in turmoil. It is foolish to look for love and worth in places other than God because everything/everyone else will always falter. We will keep collapsing and breaking if we continue to build our foundation on the inconsistent and sinful heart of man.

The old saying is right: God is good, and He wants us to experience life to the abundance. He’s already proven that He is trustworthy by sending His Son to die in place of us so that we could be won into a relationship with Him. If God loved us so much that he would trade the life of His own Son for us, what makes us think that He would suddenly hold out on us when it comes to our romantic lives? Indeed, it is against His character to hold back good things from us. So, rather than throwing away our identities in exchange for the love and acceptance of mere people, let us remind ourselves that we are already loved and accepted by God. Because He loves us so relentlessly and unwaveringly, we don’t need to be bitter towards the people who have hurt us in the past. They’ve served their purpose in bringing us closer to God. Once we truly decide to let go of our desires, cravings, bitterness, and regret, we will be able to grab onto His hope, peace, love, acceptance, fellowship, and healing. In the end, we will finally get to hear the truth that has been nudging at us this whole time. This is the truth that will set us free and keep us fulfilled for the rest of our lives. This is what the scriptures reveal about the divine fatherhood of God and who we are intrinsically—He proudly proclaims, “I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty" (2 Corinthians 6:18). Amen.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
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#4
The season of singleness is notorious for being taken for granted. Whether we treat our singleness recklessly or simply despise this season of life altogether, we rarely find ourselves making peace with our single statuses. Too often, we rely on the thought of a significant other to motivate us to become our best selves. This could manifest in the most ordinary ways, like wanting to get in shape to attract a mate to, more dangerously, changing the sweet eccentricities of our character to fit into someone else’s mold of what is desirable. When we are not careful about guarding our hearts, we can actually lose our grasp on who we are at our core, which is God’s Beloved.



I hope this post will bless my readers.. :)
I love the way you write. :rolleyes:

As for the topic at hand... I'm guilty. :rolleyes: When I was younger I was desperate for women to like me so I started working out and for awhile I was obsessed with trying to look good and be 'cool' and all that and it did work but the one thing I couldn't change was my shyness and so even though it seemed like I was getting quite a bit of attention from women, I was too shy to do anything about it. :/
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#5
When I was younger I did dress a certain way to attract attention. The sad thing is I thought that's what all men wanted and that the only thing they cared about was appearance and other physical thing's. I love my Mom very much but she's very self conscious about her appearance and always has been. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. She was always told how beautiful she is, appearance wise. Unfortunately she didn't believe in herself as far as being able to do things and even the way she looks. Ever since I can remember my Mom has had an unhealthy issue with her appearance. She never told me or my Sisters that we had to look a certain way, but I was constantly put on diets. In high school I was what you call chunky I guess, I was never obese, I've always had a rounder face like my oldest Sister. She and I are not built like my Mom and my second oldest Sister. My oldest Sister and I look a lot like my Fathers Mother. More curvy and we both have softer facial features. Like a rounded face.

About a year out of high school I starved myself and lots 40 pounds. My Mom would tell me how much better I looked and how I looked so much better in clothing then I had before. I know my Mom didn't mean for that to hurt me but it did. I never felt fully approved by her unless I looked beautiful. We actually had an argument about her expectations about my appearance and how I didn't feel worthy of her love unless I looked a certain way. She honestly didn't realize how the diets and the comments effected me. I believe she didn't either.

I still have a hard time excepting features about my appearance that I cannot change, I'm not going to get into what but I try to just accept who I am and feel good about that. My Mother is 78 and still beats herself up. I need to lose weight, oh I want a facelift, etc, etc. It can drive me crazy. She's always taken care of herself physically and looks great. If you looked at her and my step Dad you'd be surprised at their age. They both look younger then their ages and a lot of that is because they've both always had a healthy lifestyle. I have learned from that. I've also learned that I don't want to be obsessed with my appearance so much that I don't enjoy life.

I know I have complained about my appearance in front of my Children and I catch myself and stop because I don't want them to feel less valuable to the world for not looking like an airbrushed model. I also have a Husband who tells me I'm beautiful, even when I look like poop. One time I was so sick with the flu and he said, you're beautiful, I said I look like death, you're still beautiful. I still struggle inside everyday. I pass by a mirror and I start thinking bad thoughts, wrinkles, old, my waist is to big. It's a hard battle.

So to finally answer the question, yes I have changed who I am for someone. Not my Husband but previously. Sorry I went off on a thought and wrote a book. I hope I didn't derail your thread. It's really a great topic.
 
G

GirlandTheWord

Guest
#6
I love the way you write. :rolleyes:

As for the topic at hand... I'm guilty. :rolleyes: When I was younger I was desperate for women to like me so I started working out and for awhile I was obsessed with trying to look good and be 'cool' and all that and it did work but the one thing I couldn't change was my shyness and so even though it seemed like I was getting quite a bit of attention from women, I was too shy to do anything about it. :/
Thanks for being vulnerable! I totally understand. We all have insecurities, but what's important is that we learn to overcome them with God's help and guidance.. :)
 
G

GirlandTheWord

Guest
#7
When I was younger I did dress a certain way to attract attention. The sad thing is I thought that's what all men wanted and that the only thing they cared about was appearance and other physical thing's. I love my Mom very much but she's very self conscious about her appearance and always has been. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. She was always told how beautiful she is, appearance wise. Unfortunately she didn't believe in herself as far as being able to do things and even the way she looks. Ever since I can remember my Mom has had an unhealthy issue with her appearance. She never told me or my Sisters that we had to look a certain way, but I was constantly put on diets. In high school I was what you call chunky I guess, I was never obese, I've always had a rounder face like my oldest Sister. She and I are not built like my Mom and my second oldest Sister. My oldest Sister and I look a lot like my Fathers Mother. More curvy and we both have softer facial features. Like a rounded face.

About a year out of high school I starved myself and lots 40 pounds. My Mom would tell me how much better I looked and how I looked so much better in clothing then I had before. I know my Mom didn't mean for that to hurt me but it did. I never felt fully approved by her unless I looked beautiful. We actually had an argument about her expectations about my appearance and how I didn't feel worthy of her love unless I looked a certain way. She honestly didn't realize how the diets and the comments effected me. I believe she didn't either.

I still have a hard time excepting features about my appearance that I cannot change, I'm not going to get into what but I try to just accept who I am and feel good about that. My Mother is 78 and still beats herself up. I need to lose weight, oh I want a facelift, etc, etc. It can drive me crazy. She's always taken care of herself physically and looks great. If you looked at her and my step Dad you'd be surprised at their age. They both look younger then their ages and a lot of that is because they've both always had a healthy lifestyle. I have learned from that. I've also learned that I don't want to be obsessed with my appearance so much that I don't enjoy life.

I know I have complained about my appearance in front of my Children and I catch myself and stop because I don't want them to feel less valuable to the world for not looking like an airbrushed model. I also have a Husband who tells me I'm beautiful, even when I look like poop. One time I was so sick with the flu and he said, you're beautiful, I said I look like death, you're still beautiful. I still struggle inside everyday. I pass by a mirror and I start thinking bad thoughts, wrinkles, old, my waist is to big. It's a hard battle.

So to finally answer the question, yes I have changed who I am for someone. Not my Husband but previously. Sorry I went off on a thought and wrote a book. I hope I didn't derail your thread. It's really a great topic.

I'm honored that you would share such vulnerable details with me! It makes me feel as though I truly am not alone :). Please know, though, that your appearance does not dictate your beauty. It's really a soul thing :). Beauty fades really quickly, but the soul is eternal and is the most valuable thing to God. You are BEAUTIFUL because your SOUL is beautiful and everlasting :).
 
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
112
0
#8
People idolize love. Especially in America. We are in love with the idea of being in love. The reason is because we are an insecure materialistic creature. We seek comfort from the external.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#9
I'm honored that you would share such vulnerable details with me! It makes me feel as though I truly am not alone :). Please know, though, that your appearance does not dictate your beauty. It's really a soul thing :). Beauty fades really quickly, but the soul is eternal and is the most valuable thing to God. You are BEAUTIFUL because your SOUL is beautiful and everlasting :).

Thank you, you are definitely not alone. We live in a very outward beauty world. We tend to think , if only I looked like this or weighed this, I'd be happy. Doesn't work like that.
 
M

Marek

Guest
#10
The season of singleness is notorious for being taken for granted. Whether we treat our singleness recklessly or simply despise this season of life altogether, we rarely find ourselves making peace with our single statuses. Too often, we rely on the thought of a significant other to motivate us to become our best selves. This could manifest in the most ordinary ways, like wanting to get in shape to attract a mate to, more dangerously, changing the sweet eccentricities of our character to fit into someone else’s mold of what is desirable. When we are not careful about guarding our hearts, we can actually lose our grasp on who we are at our core, which is God’s Beloved.





I hope this post will bless my readers.. :)
Well put, I am quite fine with being alone. If you really get to know yourself, you can be happy with yourself and not change for other people and become a person you hate to be around. Thats called living for your friends. Sometimes you have to live for yourself.