For the men: So you want a gf/wife huh?

[kiwi_OT]

I come here and listen to all the stories men (sorry, no I'll call them boys) have to say about themselves and how I always (not me specifically but generally) get asked 'how can I get a girlfriend' and 'why cant I get a girlfriend'. Or just the typical statement of 'I WANT A GIRLFRIEND NOW AND GOD IS BEING A BIG FAT MEANIE FOR NOT GIVING ME WHAT I WANT!!'

The thing is, Ive talked and Ive listened. And since Ive become a member here Ive started to notice an unhelpful pattern going on. These boys are ranting to everyone about it but not doing much about it. Or maybe their heart is in the right place which is up there for wanting Gods will in there life but their method is like badly cooked scrambled eggs - NOT GOOD...

So many good Christian women are waiting.. And waiting.. And waiting.. And theyre upset at the quality of men - Christian men. The decent ones are out there but but they are rare and they themselves are struggling against the tide of idiots out there and are tired of cleaning up the mess they leave behind.

But I feel theres more to be done. Ive realised those idiots are Gods son's too. I feel like theyre idiots because theyve got all the good equipment to get going, theyve even got a manual from the Creator himself about how to use it. The flipside to this is that an Enemy of yours wants you to figure it out by yourself and in the dark.

So heres what Im going to do, Ive had a revelation about relationships and I want to share it. Heres hoping you can handle this long thread...

You want a gf/wife? then grow in character
The bible says that women and men are equal bearers of God image. However, men were assigned by God to be leaders and women advisors. If you want a young woman to respect you, be friends with you, fall in love with you and marry you here are the characteristics of good leadership:

• Humility
• Kindness
• Backbone
• Self control
• Discernment
• Passion
• Honesty
• Trustworthy

If you dont like to admit your mistakes and would rather hide them. If you habitually use locker room talk with your friends when an overweight girl walks by. If you prefer running than standing up for those weaker than yourself. If your single and confused yet have a growing harem of misused girls on your computor or in a box at the back of your wardrobe and you visit them every other night. If you enjoy watching movies which inadvertantly question your faith. If you still dont know what you want in life. If you tell white lies to your mother just to shut her up and leave you alone. If youve ever made a vow and didnt bother or even try to keep it.

Stop right now. You are not worthy of a relationship with a woman til youve fixed those things up. In a consistent manner and over a long period of time. You will not become that man over night. No intelligent godly woman will accept you if you have not proven those simple qualities.

You want a gf/wife? And you want to work on the above? Get involved
In this order:

1. Go to church every week. Dont give me those pathetic excuses like my job doesnt allow it, I dont like the church in my area, the church offended me so I can be a Christian without it, I dont like going alone. NOTHING justifies not going to church unless your on your deathbed. And on your deathbed you better hope you prioritised your commitment to Jesus because your about to either spend an eternity with or without him. In hell, those excuses wont stack up and Satan will be giggling in your ear for your stupidity. Man up and just go!
2. With church, your options open up and you need to seek and knock. Seek biblical knowledge. Listen to sermons, make notes and apply them! A girl loves seeing a guy dedicated to self improvement (not to mention listening skills). Seek a bible study group. This is for furthering your relationship with Jesus not a silver platter for hookups!! Seek a respected man or elder in the church as a mentor. Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. They will help you grow to be a man. Be a mentor to a younger boy (esp one without a father). And lastly seek a ministry to serve in and be passionate about.

If you are not doing these things, you may deserve a girlfriend/wife but you certainly arent ready for one. Women pick the men they like from what they see and observe and hear are like from other men. Be that guy. Feel good in knowing that other men when questioned by her will say "Yeah hes a hardworking guy" or "He had good insight during that bible study last week" or "Yeah he randomly helped my Mom by fixing the computor" or even better "Oh he loves Jesus alright - hes a cool dude"
Are you getting those kinds of comments?

Rant over. If youve got more questions then privately message me.

Lovingly, Your sister in Christ

 

[HeartOfGod]

I think there are men who may have been abused by either their fathers or their mothers. It's not good by either parent and it is worse if it was the mother because a son needs love from his mother as well as guidance from his father. It is what I have witnessed with various men I have met in the church and there is a need for healing and deliverance. I think the last thing a woman wants is an abusive man because they are out there and I have seen people in leadership positions who are abusive. They shouldn't be there especially if they treat their wives like garbage. I have met a few men on line even who claim to be christian and I can see things in them that just put me off about their character and they think they are being nice but it's a whole lot more that I have seen that God has shown me which has for the most part protected me too.

 

[zeroturbulence]

If thats what it takes, then it could take years (and years) before many guys grow to be manly enough and/or righteous enough to attract a good christian woman.

 

[seoulsearch]

Melody, you cracked me up with the part about "God is a big meanie for not giving me a girlfriend..."

You make some great points and have some good advice, and you know I love your threads and posts!!

It's just that I have to be honest... I've often stomped and yelled and hollered at God and called Him much worse things than a big meanie for supposedly denying me a husband as well.

I have to work on all the things you wrote about just like the guys!

Thanks for the road map and "battle plan".

 

[MahogonySnail]

I like the idea that if we want something we go for it, instead of complaining about it. There is a lot of complaining about these things on this website. But I also want to say it appears incredibly easy to find a girlfriend. You just have to be a bit funny, a bit charming, a bit forward, really, girls will fall for total jerks, which sort of makes the remarks about going to church every week and cleaning up your character a bit unnecessary. A danger in working on perfect character - there are christian girls who will be turned off by someone who appears to have it all together, due to them feeling inadequate or not good enough for the guy. And yes intelligent godly women are falling for jerks all the time. They can tend to prefer "average", and all the shortcomings that an "average" guy has. At the end of the day I think it's important to just be yourself. If God accepts you as you are, why shouldn't a potential wife?

 

[Matthew]

Well I can certainly understand the frustration of seeing the same old threads about how guys are all alone etc... some people complain instead of taking action and listening to the advice given.

That said anyone can write a recipe for success but that doesn't fix people's problems, these guys that often complain could go to church etc..and do everything that in theory should make them highly attractive to christian females but they still have to deal with their own personality and the specific things that hold them back, no checklist of things to do wil necessarily solve the problems these guys have.

It would be nice if it were that easy but plenty of guys don't have the bad attitiude, laziness and porn problems etc and still struggle to connect with women simply because of differences in the kind of person they are versus the kind of women they are meeting, they surely should stop complaining about it as no-one on the forum can help much, but growing in character is not always a solution, in some situations it can be damaging because you have to balance growing into emotional maturity with being true to who you are, cross that line and you may be more attractive to christian women but you will be compromising yourself for the sake of another, and that's always bad.

 

[Chivalri79]

I come here and listen to all the stories men (sorry, no I'll call them boys) have to say about themselves and how I always (not me specifically but generally) get asked 'how can I get a girlfriend' and 'why cant I get a girlfriend'. Or just the typical statement of 'I WANT A GIRLFRIEND NOW AND GOD IS BEING A BIG FAT MEANIE FOR NOT GIVING ME WHAT I WANT!!'

The thing is, Ive talked and Ive listened. And since Ive become a member here Ive started to notice an unhelpful pattern going on. These boys are ranting to everyone about it but not doing much about it. Or maybe their heart is in the right place which is up there for wanting Gods will in there life but their method is like badly cooked scrambled eggs - NOT GOOD...

So many good Christian women are waiting.. And waiting.. And waiting.. And theyre upset at the quality of men - Christian men. The decent ones are out there but but they are rare and they themselves are struggling against the tide of idiots out there and are tired of cleaning up the mess they leave behind.

But I feel theres more to be done. Ive realised those idiots are Gods son's too. I feel like theyre idiots because theyve got all the good equipment to get going, theyve even got a manual from the Creator himself about how to use it. The flipside to this is that an Enemy of yours wants you to figure it out by yourself and in the dark.

So heres what Im going to do, Ive had a revelation about relationships and I want to share it. Heres hoping you can handle this long thread...

You want a gf/wife? then grow in character
The bible says that women and men are equal bearers of God image. However, men were assigned by God to be leaders and women advisors. If you want a young woman to respect you, be friends with you, fall in love with you and marry you here are the characteristics of good leadership:

• Humility
• Kindness
• Backbone
• Self control
• Discernment
• Passion
• Honesty
• Trustworthy

If you dont like to admit your mistakes and would rather hide them. If you habitually use locker room talk with your friends when an overweight girl walks by. If you prefer running than standing up for those weaker than yourself. If your single and confused yet have a growing harem of misused girls on your computor or in a box at the back of your wardrobe and you visit them every other night. If you enjoy watching movies which inadvertantly question your faith. If you still dont know what you want in life. If you tell white lies to your mother just to shut her up and leave you alone. If youve ever made a vow and didnt bother or even try to keep it.

Stop right now. You are not worthy of a relationship with a woman til youve fixed those things up. In a consistent manner and over a long period of time. You will not become that man over night. No intelligent godly woman will accept you if you have not proven those simple qualities.

You want a gf/wife? And you want to work on the above? Get involved
In this order:

1. Go to church every week. Dont give me those pathetic excuses like my job doesnt allow it, I dont like the church in my area, the church offended me so I can be a Christian without it, I dont like going alone. NOTHING justifies not going to church unless your on your deathbed. And on your deathbed you better hope you prioritised your commitment to Jesus because your about to either spend an eternity with or without him. In hell, those excuses wont stack up and Satan will be giggling in your ear for your stupidity. Man up and just go!
2. With church, your options open up and you need to seek and knock. Seek biblical knowledge. Listen to sermons, make notes and apply them! A girl loves seeing a guy dedicated to self improvement (not to mention listening skills). Seek a bible study group. This is for furthering your relationship with Jesus not a silver platter for hookups!! Seek a respected man or elder in the church as a mentor. Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. They will help you grow to be a man. Be a mentor to a younger boy (esp one without a father). And lastly seek a ministry to serve in and be passionate about.

If you are not doing these things, you may deserve a girlfriend/wife but you certainly arent ready for one. Women pick the men they like from what they see and observe and hear are like from other men. Be that guy. Feel good in knowing that other men when questioned by her will say "Yeah hes a hardworking guy" or "He had good insight during that bible study last week" or "Yeah he randomly helped my Mom by fixing the computor" or even better "Oh he loves Jesus alright - hes a cool dude"
Are you getting those kinds of comments?

Rant over. If youve got more questions then privately message me.

Lovingly, Your sister in Christ

You have some valid points, some of which are addressed in books like Stu Webers Tender Warrior, All the Kings Men and Four Pillars of a Mans Heart...all of which address a mans role as Husband, Father, etc. and the different hats you wear as a teacher, leader, etc. in those roles. Also good for a swift kick is Pastor Kong Hee's Becoming a Real Man. I received it as gift after my divorce, became thoroughly insulted and indignant about it and refused to listen to it. When I finally did, and finished the aforementioned books, I had a very clear picture of what my role as a man was in God's plan. I also had a very clear, and disturbing list of my shortcomings in that role.
Anyhow, those are some of the things that got me running on the right path...I still haven't found that woman yet, but at least when I do, I should be able to measure up

 

[MahogonySnail]

To be honest I'd prefer a girl who had a porn problem to a girl who had a financial management problem.

 

[DABEARS85]

To be honest I'd prefer a girl who had a porn problem to a girl who had a financial management problem.

Women don't have financial management problems... they just spend our money til WE have the financial problems lol.

Jokes aside... just be confident and go talk to women. It's that easy. Being perfect will not attract a girl. To be honest, any guy that was that perfect would never find a girl worthy of him, not the other way around.

You women need to stop assuming the man has to be perfect when you are so fallible yourselves. The problem is that feminism in society has gone too far and placed women on a pedestal, and so some men just fall in line with that theory. Learn to be equal instead. Women go for the jerks because they don't place the girl on that pedestal, and all of a sudden the girl is shocked and wants him for it.

I agree that the original poster had good intentions, but I disagree with the methods. It sounded like a rant against men more so than actual advice. No one is perfect, and so expecting the men to be is wrong. I think that is the problem with society nowadays. Women want to be treated like queens while they want to treat their men like servants in a way. We are supposed to give everything we have while you sit back and decide if it is enough for you. When the normal jerk comes along, he makes you chase him instead and doesn't offer everything he has for you... he makes you earn it. That is exactly why the nice guy will never win. He gives everything upfront instead of making the woman give back too.

 

[Johnoble]

"Go to church every week. Dont give me those pathetic excuses like my job doesnt allow it, I dont like the church in my area, the church offended me so I can be a Christian without it, I dont like going alone. NOTHING justifies not going to church unless your on your deathbed. And on your deathbed you better hope you prioritised your commitment to Jesus because your about to either spend an eternity with or without him. In hell, those excuses wont stack up and Satan will be giggling in your ear for your stupidity. Man up and just go!"

Fist step, go to church, this was the best and most truthful part of you post. Before making any important decisions or asking God something as important as a wife, you gotta be right with him, draw near to him, go to church!!!!

 

[DABEARS85]

Women don't have financial management problems... they just spend our money til WE have the financial problems lol.

Jokes aside... just be confident and go talk to women. It's that easy. Being perfect will not attract a girl. To be honest, any guy that was that perfect would never find a girl worthy of him, not the other way around.

You women need to stop assuming the man has to be perfect when you are so fallible yourselves. The problem is that feminism in society has gone too far and placed women on a pedestal, and so some men just fall in line with that theory. Learn to be equal instead. Women go for the jerks because they don't place the girl on that pedestal, and all of a sudden the girl is shocked and wants him for it.

I agree that the original poster had good intentions, but I disagree with the methods. It sounded like a rant against men more so than actual advice. No one is perfect, and so expecting the men to be is wrong. I think that is the problem with society nowadays. Women want to be treated like queens while they want to treat their men like servants in a way. We are supposed to give everything we have while you sit back and decide if it is enough for you. When the normal jerk comes along, he makes you chase him instead and doesn't offer everything he has for you... he makes you earn it. That is exactly why the nice guy will never win. He gives everything upfront instead of making the woman give back too.

I was going to edit this, but I past the 5 minute mark... so here is an extension to it lol.

What I honestly believe is wrong with your beliefs that christian men are so bad... is because most christian men are the "nice" guys. You women tear them to pieces because of it. They are not the jerks, and therefore you don't see them in the same light in a lot of ways. Every single poster that I've seen that was male on here... every single one that says they want a g/f and can't find one... they are NICE guys. They are good people with Christlike hearts... and that just isn't attractive in today's society.

If you want a blame for anything, blame the fact that feminism went too far. In ancient times, women were treated like women. The men acted like men. I'm not saying the feminism that made women equal was bad... I'm saying the radical feminism that made women BETTER than men was bad. That is what society views it as now. Men are pigs and jerks and small minded idiots, while women are these perfect little angels who should be treated like queens. It's the wrong ideology to have, and that's why men are not "men" anymore. You took the gender roles and reversed them completely because you were selfish. If certain women would get off their high horse, they would realize that there are a lot of quality men out there willing to give their lives and everything they have to you. The problem is, you enjoy your high horse far too much. You are not better than men, nor should you judge so harshly with us men in a society that you created.

Take it or leave it, but just look at society post radical feminism compared to society before it. I'm talking about the 60's type feminism, not the 1920's "let me vote, I'm a person too" feminism. Today's society is FULL of divorce, which almost 90% of the time is the woman's choosing. Most of the time, every relationship ends based on the woman's choosing, not the mans. There are plenty of exceptions sure, but overall this is the case. The only real exceptions come from the men that become jerks because they realize that is what women go for. The nice guy does not finish first, and so men become jerks! Wake up!

Women look for the wrong things based on what society tells you to value at this point, and so you are never content with who you already have. This has only been a radically different society for about the last 50 years. Before that, divorce was NOT prevalent nor was it commonplace. Today's society literally has about an 80% divorce rate. There are a lot of factors that go along with it, but the biggest is that women forget to act like women... they want to take the man's place in society in subconscious levels... and so men forgot how to be men because of it. Chivalry died along with it.

I guess this was a rant just as much as the original posters, but hey... I'm up for an equal society where women are not on the pedestal. That is true humanity in my eyes. Let men and women be equal, and let the gender roles be where they should be according to scripture... and society would be vastly different.

 

[Matthew]

I agree with the idea that gender roles have been completely messed up and a lot of times people don't know how they should be behaving, but christians have it easier than most groups because it is clearly laid out for them who does what.

That said I think part of the problem today, and it's a big part, is this habit people develop of thinking they have all the answers.....cannot give a piece of advice to 'men' and expect to see some improvement because every individual needs individual help because despite how easy it is to believe we are not all the same and cannot be cured of our problems as a one unit.

The same goes for men talking about women and referring to the feminist movement being the cause of so much trouble, and while that definetly played it's part the root of the movement was a great thing and has sadly been completely corrupted to represent attitudes that do not line up to the original intent.

I think things will improve for everyone when each side stops telling the other how they should be and what they should do, we come together to make something new so this idea of 'do these things to be appealing to us' etc.....doesnt make much sense to me.

 

[kiwi_OT]

Whoa, ok so Ive gotta answer a few people:

zeroturbulence I agree with that statement. We as women know men arent perfect. And we know it takes years and years. What we want is men to just make that first step and go to church for a start. The men out there who are at church and already working on this, hurrah! You are awesome and may God bless you with your faithfulness in his timing.

seoulsearch hehehe Im actually planning on writing a sequel thread for women - no one is innocent here and it would be hypocritical of me to just lump this topic on the boys.

Matthew Thankyou for your honesty, you are an excellent critic and I thank God for you However let me say something. When I say building characteristics like the one I listed I didnt mean replacing your awesome personality with a spock like religious persona. What I listed is pretty much the fruit of the spirit, and let me tell you, fruit grows on all kinds of trees. I know theres no quick fix to anything, and Im not offerring that. I clearly stated it will take a while. With issues like building realtionships with women or even talking to women, thats why I stated getting a mentor is so important. You got issues you want to improve? Find a godly man you respect with an awesome wife and hang out with both of them. Lay your pride on the shelf and let him know you struggle with this and for help and ideas. The wife will probably tell you wee secrets about how the minds of us females work

MahoganySnail Dude, why would you even bother preferring one over the other? If a girl has both or one of those issues, dont go anywhere near her until shes sorted it out.

DABEARS85 The fact is, Eve conspired with the Devil and sinned. But Adam was with her the whole time and sinned also by ommision. Both sinned and both recieved their own curses. But which one did God hold responsible? Adam was chosen as leader and he failed. Oh trust me, history has told us both men and women have stuffed up greatly, and I will talk to the ladies as well. I think judging by the tone of your message, you think Im a femininst? I love men, I really do. I thoroughly thank God for the creation of men. I stated clearly that the bible says men are to be loving leaders and that women are to lovingly submit to that leadership. Lets not focus on what women need to work on. I think Men need to help other men on being men and Women will do the same with theselves. Nothing healthy ever comes out of man and woman blaming each other. And I will be terribly upset if people decide to go off track from my thread and go on a furore with each other.

 

[DABEARS85]

DABEARS85 The fact is, Eve conspired with the Devil and sinned. But Adam was with her the whole time and sinned also by ommision. Both sinned and both recieved their own curses. But which one did God hold responsible? Adam was chosen as leader and he failed. Oh trust me, history has told us both men and women have stuffed up greatly, and I will talk to the ladies as well. I think judging by the tone of your message, you think Im a femininst? I love men, I really do. I thoroughly thank God for the creation of men. I stated clearly that the bible says men are to be loving leaders and that women are to lovingly submit to that leadership. Lets not focus on what women need to work on. I think Men need to help other men on being men and Women will do the same with theselves. Nothing healthy ever comes out of man and woman blaming each other. And I will be terribly upset if people decide to go off track from my thread and go on a furore with each other.

No, I'm not saying you are a feminist... I was just pointing a finger at one of many causes for the way society is nowadays. I just find it wrong on a lot of levels. I will say however, if men have to help men be men, then my point was your original post isn't helping them. You are not a man, therefore you can't really teach them how to be men.

I think I was just pointing out a flaw in your arguments more than anything. You based it as an attack on men instead of looking at it from both sides. You want men to be perfect basically, but you forget that women are far from it themselves. A man should not have to be perfect to find a mate. Even if it were possible, the woman surely could not live up to the standards the man set for himself... which would leave him lacking an equal companion, and her lacking empathy for being less than so. You are telling men to grow spiritually as much as possible, which is great, but you are ignoring women in the aspect like they are already perfect. This just is not true, so the basis of your attack could probably be offending to some of the guys who have written on these forums.

You basically said these men aren't worthy of being in a relationship with a woman because they aren't perfect. That is what I find wrong with your post. The rest is fine, but that statement alone is wrong on all levels of the word. Women are amazing creatures, but you aren't "above" men in the aspect where you have a right to tell these guys they don't deserve a woman or a relationship. I think it is a slight double standard, although maybe that wasn't your intention.

Also, I disagree when you say they aren't ready for a woman. Frankly, women for the most part aren't ready either. A lot of women have in their heads what a man should be, but they also forget what a woman should be as well.

The whole list of things you mentioned:

• Humility
• Kindness
• Backbone
• Self control
• Discernment
• Passion
• Honesty
• Trustworthy

they apply to both sexes, not just men. For as many men out there that don't possess all those qualities, there is a woman out there that doesn't as well. Thus is human nature as fallen creatures. We are not perfect.

Also, you stated women "pick" what they like. In ancient times, it was a reverse situation. Men picked out the women. It is still this way in various countries, and I'm not saying it is right or wrong, but I'm just stating how it was biblically. Modern times have a reversal in the situation which is fine, but I believe a lot of women truly do NOT know what they want. That is why breakups and divorce are so common in modern times. Women change their mind on what is a perfect man all the time. Society changes it's mind in the same way. You gave your version, which is great, but it doesn't define every woman. Everyone is attracted to different things naturally.

I'm not trying to berate you or anything like that. I appreciate the original post, but I just disagree with a few of your methods in trying to help these guys. It just all came off in a judgemental light instead of genuinely caring.

These guys do deserve relationships. They may or may not be ready, but that isn't up to any of us to decide. Women need as much help as men in all of those areas, and I believe that striving to be perfect instead of just being proactive and meeting people is just leading into complete and udder failure. Perfection is impossible, and even if they showed all of those qualities, it doesn't guarentee them anything but a pat on the back for being a good person.

Things I believe you should have added:

Confidence most of all. Sense of humor. Communication skills. Perception. Good Judgement. etc etc

Those things matter far more than the above list. Your above list helps to make a good person, but it doesn't help them meet anyone.

 

[Matthew]

Matthew Thankyou for your honesty, you are an excellent critic and I thank God for you However let me say something. When I say building characteristics like the one I listed I didnt mean replacing your awesome personality with a spock like religious persona. What I listed is pretty much the fruit of the spirit, and let me tell you, fruit grows on all kinds of trees. I know theres no quick fix to anything, and Im not offerring that. I clearly stated it will take a while. With issues like building realtionships with women or even talking to women, thats why I stated getting a mentor is so important. You got issues you want to improve? Find a godly man you respect with an awesome wife and hang out with both of them. Lay your pride on the shelf and let him know you struggle with this and for help and ideas. The wife will probably tell you wee secrets about how the minds of us females work

I agree with your views on having a mentor, maybe less than that just a guiding hand because like you say it can give knowledge that would take a lot of living to learn, I can vouch for that as role models in that area were notable by their absence in my transitional years and it surely would help younger guys who seem to be holding onto immature behaviours.

That said, Spock rules

Moving on......I made my comments not to be critical of your post because I do agree with you, it's just I think it is vitally important to speak to both sides of the issue and too often on some topics it's like one man fighting an army of opposition and as a man who doesn't whine too much about being single I felt the need to wave my hands....so to speak......I didn't mean to be harsh at all.

Finally a word of caution to the young guys who may have a mentor, careful when the wife talks to you as you don't want to dig too deep into the dungeon of terrors.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I agree, christian men need to get a backbone

 

[kiwi_OT]

No, I'm not saying you are a feminist... I was just pointing a finger at one of many causes for the way society is nowadays. I just find it wrong on a lot of levels. I will say however, if men have to help men be men, then my point was your original post isn't helping them. You are not a man, therefore you can't really teach them how to be men.

I think I was just pointing out a flaw in your arguments more than anything. You based it as an attack on men instead of looking at it from both sides. You want men to be perfect basically, but you forget that women are far from it themselves. A man should not have to be perfect to find a mate. Even if it were possible, the woman surely could not live up to the standards the man set for himself... which would leave him lacking an equal companion, and her lacking empathy for being less than so. You are telling men to grow spiritually as much as possible, which is great, but you are ignoring women in the aspect like they are already perfect. This just is not true, so the basis of your attack could probably be offending to some of the guys who have written on these forums.

You basically said these men aren't worthy of being in a relationship with a woman because they aren't perfect. That is what I find wrong with your post. The rest is fine, but that statement alone is wrong on all levels of the word. Women are amazing creatures, but you aren't "above" men in the aspect where you have a right to tell these guys they don't deserve a woman or a relationship. I think it is a slight double standard, although maybe that wasn't your intention.

Also, I disagree when you say they aren't ready for a woman. Frankly, women for the most part aren't ready either. A lot of women have in their heads what a man should be, but they also forget what a woman should be as well.

The whole list of things you mentioned:

• Humility
• Kindness
• Backbone
• Self control
• Discernment
• Passion
• Honesty
• Trustworthy

they apply to both sexes, not just men. For as many men out there that don't possess all those qualities, there is a woman out there that doesn't as well. Thus is human nature as fallen creatures. We are not perfect.

Also, you stated women "pick" what they like. In ancient times, it was a reverse situation. Men picked out the women. It is still this way in various countries, and I'm not saying it is right or wrong, but I'm just stating how it was biblically. Modern times have a reversal in the situation which is fine, but I believe a lot of women truly do NOT know what they want. That is why breakups and divorce are so common in modern times. Women change their mind on what is a perfect man all the time. Society changes it's mind in the same way. You gave your version, which is great, but it doesn't define every woman. Everyone is attracted to different things naturally.

I'm not trying to berate you or anything like that. I appreciate the original post, but I just disagree with a few of your methods in trying to help these guys. It just all came off in a judgemental light instead of genuinely caring.

These guys do deserve relationships. They may or may not be ready, but that isn't up to any of us to decide. Women need as much help as men in all of those areas, and I believe that striving to be perfect instead of just being proactive and meeting people is just leading into complete and udder failure. Perfection is impossible, and even if they showed all of those qualities, it doesn't guarentee them anything but a pat on the back for being a good person.

Things I believe you should have added:

Confidence most of all. Sense of humor. Communication skills. Perception. Good Judgement. etc etc

Those things matter far more than the above list. Your above list helps to make a good person, but it doesn't help them meet anyone.

Of course women cant advise men about what women want, because women know nothing about what women want nudge nudge

Im not teaching you guys how to be men. Im just saying what women seek in a man which is good leadership. I know there are tons of other things that everyone women included need, but I decided to focus on leadership because it seems in the day and age men take out of context what this is. Trust me, women have their faults and I said earlier I will be writing a thread FOR THEM AS WELL.

No where in my thread did I say that men required to be perfect in those characteristics. I meant that if men arent even willing to work on being kind, or humble or emotionally strong etc then Im giving a heads up and saying what woman would bother with with a guy like that? Why should guys be surprised at their being single when theyre constantly getting defensive and not accepting responsibility for getting involved.

How is my thread attacking? I sincerely apologise to you and anyone else if you felt that way. I want men to grow and be wonderful friends and husbands as I also want women to grow. How is telling men plainly to go to church attacking? Im speaking the truth. If you dont bother with church, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your chances of finding a good christian woman drop hugely. And so many guys I know here on CC havent even taken that first step! I love them as brothers!! And I want them to be happy. But if it means whacking a few of them with a verbal fish then so be it.

Communication skills are a part of that (honesty and trustworthiness in what you say) and I said judgement and perception I just bought it all under a different word - discernment.

Ahh yes, it was the men who did the 'picking' - but who did the deciding? The woman and her family (namely her fathers and brothers) would judge the man's character to see if the guy was worthy. If a man didnt have a decent level of those qualities, a good father would tell said potential boyfriend/fiance to sod off and not come back til he grew up and proved himself more. This is exactly what I did. I grew up without a father, and my brother is not a Christian. When I took my boyfriend to my church and then afterwards hung out with my spiritual parents who have been my mentors since I was 15, I said to them "Well what do you think of him? Tell me your worries or any good points you noticed etc etc" This is why I think mentoring for men and by men is so important for us ladies. Those people are the ones we will go to for unbiased answers about whether or not to accept your proposal to get engaged.

You think those skills wont help? If there were 5 men in a line and a woman had to pick one and only one of the men was doing their best to build on those skills, who do you think the woman would pick? Im saying women want men like that. And where do you go to hone those skills according to Jesus' practices? Church!

 

[kiwi_OT]

Finally a word of caution to the young guys who may have a mentor, careful when the wife talks to you as you don't want to dig too deep into the dungeon of terrors.

Lol What terrors? Period cramps? Hormonal mood swings? Did she say the dirty T word? (Tampon) lololololol.
Better to be prepared about the world of females before you get married or you'll get a lot of surprises you wont know how to handle

 

[jimmydiggs]

I come here and listen to all the stories men (sorry, no I'll call them boys) have to say about themselves and how I always (not me specifically but generally) get asked 'how can I get a girlfriend' and 'why cant I get a girlfriend'. Or just the typical statement of 'I WANT A GIRLFRIEND NOW AND GOD IS BEING A BIG FAT MEANIE FOR NOT GIVING ME WHAT I WANT!!'

The thing is, Ive talked and Ive listened. And since Ive become a member here Ive started to notice an unhelpful pattern going on. These boys are ranting to everyone about it but not doing much about it. Or maybe their heart is in the right place which is up there for wanting Gods will in there life but their method is like badly cooked scrambled eggs - NOT GOOD...

So many good Christian women are waiting.. And waiting.. And waiting.. And theyre upset at the quality of men - Christian men. The decent ones are out there but but they are rare and they themselves are struggling against the tide of idiots out there and are tired of cleaning up the mess they leave behind.

But I feel theres more to be done. Ive realised those idiots are Gods son's too. I feel like theyre idiots because theyve got all the good equipment to get going, theyve even got a manual from the Creator himself about how to use it. The flipside to this is that an Enemy of yours wants you to figure it out by yourself and in the dark.

So heres what Im going to do, Ive had a revelation about relationships and I want to share it. Heres hoping you can handle this long thread...

You want a gf/wife? then grow in character
The bible says that women and men are equal bearers of God image. However, men were assigned by God to be leaders and women advisors. If you want a young woman to respect you, be friends with you, fall in love with you and marry you here are the characteristics of good leadership:

• Humility
• Kindness
• Backbone
• Self control
• Discernment
• Passion
• Honesty
• Trustworthy

If you dont like to admit your mistakes and would rather hide them. If you habitually use locker room talk with your friends when an overweight girl walks by. If you prefer running than standing up for those weaker than yourself. If your single and confused yet have a growing harem of misused girls on your computor or in a box at the back of your wardrobe and you visit them every other night. If you enjoy watching movies which inadvertantly question your faith. If you still dont know what you want in life. If you tell white lies to your mother just to shut her up and leave you alone. If youve ever made a vow and didnt bother or even try to keep it.

Stop right now. You are not worthy of a relationship with a woman til youve fixed those things up. In a consistent manner and over a long period of time. You will not become that man over night. No intelligent godly woman will accept you if you have not proven those simple qualities.

You want a gf/wife? And you want to work on the above? Get involved
In this order:

1. Go to church every week. Dont give me those pathetic excuses like my job doesnt allow it, I dont like the church in my area, the church offended me so I can be a Christian without it, I dont like going alone. NOTHING justifies not going to church unless your on your deathbed. And on your deathbed you better hope you prioritised your commitment to Jesus because your about to either spend an eternity with or without him. In hell, those excuses wont stack up and Satan will be giggling in your ear for your stupidity. Man up and just go!
2. With church, your options open up and you need to seek and knock. Seek biblical knowledge. Listen to sermons, make notes and apply them! A girl loves seeing a guy dedicated to self improvement (not to mention listening skills). Seek a bible study group. This is for furthering your relationship with Jesus not a silver platter for hookups!! Seek a respected man or elder in the church as a mentor. Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. They will help you grow to be a man. Be a mentor to a younger boy (esp one without a father). And lastly seek a ministry to serve in and be passionate about.

If you are not doing these things, you may deserve a girlfriend/wife but you certainly arent ready for one. Women pick the men they like from what they see and observe and hear are like from other men. Be that guy. Feel good in knowing that other men when questioned by her will say "Yeah hes a hardworking guy" or "He had good insight during that bible study last week" or "Yeah he randomly helped my Mom by fixing the computor" or even better "Oh he loves Jesus alright - hes a cool dude"
Are you getting those kinds of comments?

Rant over. If youve got more questions then privately message me.

Lovingly, Your sister in Christ

I will tuck this away in the corner of my mind.

 

[ChristianGuru]

If you dont like to admit your mistakes and would rather hide them. If you habitually use locker room talk with your friends when an overweight girl walks by. If you prefer running than standing up for those weaker than yourself. If your single and confused yet have a growing harem of misused girls on your computor or in a box at the back of your wardrobe and you visit them every other night. If you enjoy watching movies which inadvertantly question your faith. If you still dont know what you want in life. If you tell white lies to your mother just to shut her up and leave you alone. If youve ever made a vow and didnt bother or even try to keep it.


Stop right now. You are not worthy of a relationship with a woman til youve fixed those things up. In a consistent manner and over a long period of time. You will not become that man over night. No intelligent godly woman will accept you if you have not proven those simple qualities.

You want a gf/wife? And you want to work on the above? Get involved
In this order:

1. Go to church every week. Dont give me those pathetic excuses like my job doesnt allow it, I dont like the church in my area, the church offended me so I can be a Christian without it, I dont like going alone. NOTHING justifies not going to church unless your on your deathbed. And on your deathbed you better hope you prioritised your commitment to Jesus because your about to either spend an eternity with or without him. In hell, those excuses wont stack up and Satan will be giggling in your ear for your stupidity. Man up and just go!
2. With church, your options open up and you need to seek and knock. Seek biblical knowledge. Listen to sermons, make notes and apply them! A girl loves seeing a guy dedicated to self improvement (not to mention listening skills). Seek a bible study group. This is for furthering your relationship with Jesus not a silver platter for hookups!! Seek a respected man or elder in the church as a mentor. Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity. They will help you grow to be a man. Be a mentor to a younger boy (esp one without a father). And lastly seek a ministry to serve in and be passionate about.

If you are not doing these things, you may deserve a girlfriend/wife but you certainly arent ready for one. Women pick the men they like from what they see and observe and hear are like from other men. Be that guy. Feel good in knowing that other men when questioned by her will say "Yeah hes a hardworking guy" or "He had good insight during that bible study last week" or "Yeah he randomly helped my Mom by fixing the computor" or even better "Oh he loves Jesus alright - hes a cool dude"
Are you getting those kinds of comments?

Rant over. If youve got more questions then privately message me.

Lovingly, Your sister in Christ

Wow, I was really impressed with what you had to say. I've been the guy on here who's been calling out guys much like you have. I was strongly agreeing with you all the way up until the parts that I've put in bold. This is wear you got really personal about how you feel. Most of what I've put in bold is blatant condemnation. If God felt this way about any of us, regardless of whatever our weaknesses are, we'd all be on our way to hell right now. Thank God, he died on the cross for our sins, so we could repent them. Men are far too condemned about the things you've said, that I've made bold.

We should apologize? I'm not apologizing for nothing and if you or any other woman don't like it... I'll find a woman who does. I or we don't need to qualify ourselves to anyone. I have laughed at fat girls growing up. It's like when women rank guys, what's the difference. I do check out pictures of women. I stop to look at that woman on the cover of magazines at newstands. That's why marketers put them there, because they know men are going to want to look and that means $$ in their pocket. If I still do what I want in life? What? Every man should. If I still question what I want in life? Doesn't everyone? It's common to ponder where one should go next. People often break vows when they realize they made it for the wrong reason. I don't need to fix anything to be worthy of a relationship with a woman, because I answer to a higher father, our father. You tell guys that and they'll always feel unworthy of a woman. I think this is exactly why the guys on here are always crying and complaining in the first place. Condemnation.