Why Do We Fall For (and Cling On To) People We Know are Bad For Us?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Peeps,

While watching a long-time friend go through the all-too-familiar cycle of falling for the wrong person--and refusing to let them go--I was thinking about all the times I fell for "the wrong person" myself.

One guy in particular stands out in my memory: alcoholic, on drugs, could barely hold a job, not a Christian, bragged about his escapades with several other women (and he only chose those who looked like models), etc., etc.

You couldn't have gotten any more opposite of what I really wanted than that. But for some reason, I was smitten. One of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that he had a kind of "Who cares what people think, I'm gonna say it anyway!"-type attitude that I was drawn to. I'd always felt that I had to be very "edited" around good church folks--and I was in the process of trying to break free from that.

I read a devotional once that used the example of a young boy who had an abusive mother.

In a fit of rage, the mother lashed out and burned her young son.

The boy was taken to the hospital and even though he was cared for by a dedicated, compassionate staff--the entire time, he was screaming at them that he wanted his mother.

This, to me, illustrates the relationship that many of us have, or have had, with so many other people in our lives--including relatives and friends we know we should distance ourselves from or let go, but yet, we cling on to them.

Why?

* Is it because we figure negative attention is better than none at all?

* Are we afraid of the "loss" in our lives we'll have if we let that person go?

* Do we keep hoping we can be a good influence on them, and that they'll change? (Eventually...)

Personally, I can say "yes" to all 3 of these questions.

What are some reasons you've held on to someone who was bad for you?

 

[Lynx]

Beats me. I haven't fallen for anybody yet, much less fallen for and clung to the wrong kind of person, but I've seen it happen and I still can't figure out why.

 

[JonahLynx]

That person becomes a part of our identity, so splitting with them feels like losing a part of who you are. "It may be a bad relationship, but it's mine and no one can take that from me."

 

[melita916]

* Is it because we figure negative attention is better than none at all?

* Are we afraid of the "loss" in our lives we'll have if we let that person go?

* Do we keep hoping we can be a good influence on them, and that they'll change? (Eventually...)

1) yes. when it came to the opposite sex, i was quite invisible. i remember being jealous of girls who could get any guy's attention. some of them (if not all) would complain how they would get tired of a guy who kept pursuing even though she flat out rejected him. i remember saying to myself, "wow. i wish i would get SOME kind of attention."

2) yes. some don't know who they are without that individual. their identity is wrapped in that person or even that situation.

3) yup. we hold on to that small ray of hope.

 

[seoulsearch]

That person becomes a part of our identity, so splitting with them feels like losing a part of who you are. "It may be a bad relationship, but it's mine and no one can take that from me."

1) yes. when it came to the opposite sex, i was quite invisible. i remember being jealous of girls who could get any guy's attention. some of them (if not all) would complain how they would get tired of a guy who kept pursuing even though she flat out rejected him. i remember saying to myself, "wow. i wish i would get SOME kind of attention."

2) yes. some don't know who they are without that individual. their identity is wrapped in that person or even that situation.

3) yup. we hold on to that small ray of hope.

I always wonder... What's the key to detangling our own identities from that of another...

And finally breaking free of the vicious, and often harmful, cycle?

 

[chickwithsticks]

I was talking with a close friends years ago after a break up with a man that in my terms had "clinical baggage." He had challenges that exceeded our normal baggage in my opinion. I was bemoaning how this was the second time I went through something like this and why did I attract these men. Her response, "all women attract these men, the only difference is most cut them loose quickly and you hold onto them out of loyalty and the desire to fix them. Your so focused on what you see as potential and dismiss who they really are."


She was right. I stayed too long and only focused on a persons potential while ignoring the reality of who they were. I feel part of why I stayed was I do have a strong desire to help people. This has been true for friendships also.

I have come to underatand this tendancy I have and have learned to establish healthier boundaries and expectations for relationships but it took a long time. I often wonder if this is true for others that appear to be in one sided relationships.

 

[JonahLynx]

I always wonder... What's the key to detangling our own identities from that of another... And finally breaking free of the vicious, and often harmful, cycle?

Maybe we are designed to be that way and the problem is just that we get involved with someone way too quickly? Stop it before it starts if there's something definitely wrong. Now if only I would listen to my own advice.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I can sum it all up in two words.... Stockholm syndrome

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychologicalphenomenon first described in 1973 in which hostages express empathyand sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors

source: wikipedia

 

[zeroturbulence]

Sometimes love don't feel like it should
You make it
Hurt so good...

[video=youtube;4dOsbsuhYGQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=4dOsbsuhYGQ[/video]

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Sometimes love don't feel like it should
You make it
Hurt so good...

[video=youtube;4dOsbsuhYGQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=4dOsbsuhYGQ[/video]

Dude! This song is playing on the radio RIGHT NOW, as I am reading this.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Whoa WHAT?!!?

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

She was right. I stayed too long and only focused on a persons potential while ignoring the reality of who they were. I feel part of why I stayed was I do have a strong desire to help people. This has been true for friendships also.

I have come to underatand this tendancy I have and have learned to establish healthier boundaries and expectations for relationships but it took a long time. I often wonder if this is true for others that appear to be in one sided relationships.

This is worth really pondering. I'm in a situation right now where a friend of mine and I are just at odds. She is prone to get an attitude or be angry or defensive about little things, she never reacts the way I expect her to, and I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. But it's a close friend, and I feel like I'd be giving up if I just kind of let her go. Her philosophy is "friends work through the hard things", but I don't really think she can or will change, so where does that leave me?

 

[chickwithsticks]

This is worth really pondering. I'm in a situation right now where a friend of mine and I are just at odds. She is prone to get an attitude or be angry or defensive about little things, she never reacts the way I expect her to, and I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. But it's a close friend, and I feel like I'd be giving up if I just kind of let her go. Her philosophy is "friends work through the hard things", but I don't really think she can or will change, so where does that leave me?

GLR...I know exactly what you are describing and it is such a difficult position. On one hand you value long standing friendships and realize every relationship will experience episodes of difficulty that need to be worked through. However where is the line drawn when historical patterns indicate times of strife outweigh the mutual benefits of a healthy balanced friendship.

Obviously that line is different for everyone. I had a 15 year friendship that ended 2 years ago. It had gotten to a point where I was exhausted and so emotionally drained.

Recently a wonderful sweet friend of mine reminded me that some relationships are gifts for a season and not meant to last. I have been thinking a lot on this lately.


I hope you and your friend can work through this difficult season.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Because I was not emotionally healthy. I was passive and got attracted to an aggressive person. We tend to find what we lack so its easy to fall for someone that will fill that lack. But I learned that both passive and aggressive are not emotionally healthy. Being assertive is healthy in all relationships and that is what I'm trying to learn.

 

[Oncefallen]

Why?

* Is it because we figure negative attention is better than none at all?

* Are we afraid of the "loss" in our lives we'll have if we let that person go?

* Do we keep hoping we can be a good influence on them, and that they'll change? (Eventually...)

Personally, I can say "yes" to all 3 of these questions.

What are some reasons you've held on to someone who was bad for you?

I think you missed what I would consider the biggest (and often most commonly unrealized) reason that people hang onto relationships that are destructive to them.

People with poor self esteem tend to believe that they don't deserve (or can't get) any better than what they have.

 

[seoulsearch]

I think you missed what I would consider the biggest (and often most commonly unrealized) reason that people hang onto relationships that are destructive to them.

People with poor self esteem tend to believe that they don't deserve (or can't get) any better than what they have.

Thanks for pointing this out, Once. This made me realize that God must have done some major changes in my own thinking over the years, because I actually got to a point where I believe I'm better off alone than with the wrong person.


Grace -- is there a way that you can distance yourself from and possibly end things with this person? It doesn't sound like that person is your friend at all, but rather, an emotional vampire.

Maybe I'm just becoming cold-hearted and stubborn in my old age, but the past several years, I've been cutting ties and/or much time with people who are co-dependent on others to maintain their drama, attention-seeking behaviors, and bad habits.

Even I have to admit that this means I am alone most times, but I've found I'd rather be at peace by myself than have someone else use me as their 24/7 emotional IV.

 

[laura_charlotte]

It's quite simple, low self esteem and attachment issues.

 

[seoulsearch]

It's quite simple, low self esteem and attachment issues.

Yes, but how do we break away from them?

I know most Christians will say, "By making Jesus first in your life!" which is, of course, the "right" answer.

However, I see very few people actually being able to put that into practice in real life.

 

[chickwithsticks]

Yes, but how do we break away from them?

I know most Christians will say, "By making Jesus first in your life!" which is, of course, the "right" answer.

However, I see very few people actually being able to put that into practice in real life.

Seoul while I realize the answer will vary among individuals I do think there is one key common action that will have an impact in being able to break free of this pattern or addiction to a toxic person.

Time alone to explore yourself, your own patterns and tendencies and accept your weaknesses and strengths. Then you can decide if you want to change destructive patterns.

So many people dont accept or recognize they have some areas they need to work on so they can have a healthy relationship. They jump from one bad toxic relationship to another. They dont have the courage to stand alone for a time.

 

[Adstar]

Hey Peeps,

While watching a long-time friend go through the all-too-familiar cycle of falling for the wrong person--and refusing to let them go--I was thinking about all the times I fell for "the wrong person" myself.

One guy in particular stands out in my memory: alcoholic, on drugs, could barely hold a job, not a Christian, bragged about his escapades with several other women (and he only chose those who looked like models), etc., etc.

You couldn't have gotten any more opposite of what I really wanted than that. But for some reason, I was smitten. One of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that he had a kind of "Who cares what people think, I'm gonna say it anyway!"-type attitude that I was drawn to. I'd always felt that I had to be very "edited" around good church folks--and I was in the process of trying to break free from that.

I read a devotional once that used the example of a young boy who had an abusive mother.

In a fit of rage, the mother lashed out and burned her young son.

The boy was taken to the hospital and even though he was cared for by a dedicated, compassionate staff--the entire time, he was screaming at them that he wanted his mother.

This, to me, illustrates the relationship that many of us have, or have had, with so many other people in our lives--including relatives and friends we know we should distance ourselves from or let go, but yet, we cling on to them.

Why?

* Is it because we figure negative attention is better than none at all?

* Are we afraid of the "loss" in our lives we'll have if we let that person go?

* Do we keep hoping we can be a good influence on them, and that they'll change? (Eventually...)

Personally, I can say "yes" to all 3 of these questions.

What are some reasons you've held on to someone who was bad for you?

Not an expert here but some woman seem to be the type of woman who want to take the bad boy and work on them to Fix them... They are like the little girl who on the way home from school finds a mangy half starved abandoned pup and wants to take it home and wash it and feed it up and adopt it as their pet..

There is also the woman who like the bad boys because they seem to be more fun..

There is also the rebellious teen girl who is attracted to the rebellious bad boy because by hanging around with him she thinks she is making some kind of statement to the world..

There is also the girl who thinks she is not worthy of being loved and cared for by a good guy.. So they end up with an abusive bad boy because thats what they think they deserve..

I guess you could add more examples of the types of woman and how they end up with guys who are very bad for them.. Unfortunately many younger woman really do lack the wisdom to know whats best for them.. They often find out by the time they reach their 30's whats best for them.. But unfortunately by that time they have their bad husband and or a few kids running around their ankles...