Changing expectations

[cinder]

So the big theme in my head is something along the lines of how do changing expectations (or expecations in general) have the ability to become self fulfilling prophesies and change the bar for what is normal and greatly improve or degrade society. I'm a big picture person and that's the big picture.

But for the sake of those who need a little more direction in the discussion there are two aspects that we can narrow the discussion down to:

1) A marriage that lasts- A book I read a while ago (probably written in the 90's) said something about no one expects to grow up, get married, and then get divorced. I wonder if that still holds true. So singles, if you were to marry or marry again (which is a big if for some of us), would you expect that marriage to last till death do you part? How do you think your expectation of the longevity of your marriage would affect you willingness to sacrifice and work at it? (And if we get a lot of comments along the lines of I'm not going to marry with no further comment on the topic, then I'm going to start another thread about why we feel the need to state such things that don't add to the discussion at all). Anyone who is, will soon be, or has been married is also free to comment on what has made thing work so well for so long (or end badly if you are in that circumstance).

2) Emotional health and general decency- It seems like as a society we have moved from a standard of having an ideal "normal" to live up to, to a culture where there is an excuse for everyone's wrongdoing and a general lack of responsibility. We excuse all kinds of imperfections and issues with a glib, well everyone's messed up (or the immature christian favorite, "everyone sins, my sin's not that bad, don't judge me"). And I have to wonder if we've gotten to a place where we don't expect people to mature or grow in holiness or actually live a Christian life, and if so have we stunted people's growth and well being by doing so?

Ok that's enough food for thought. Time to let the rest of you start thinking and responding.

 

[Lynx]

The problem is everything is supposed to be easier today than it was for our parents. We have all these social media sites to meet people, google to find out whatever we need to know, a smarphone to bring all that wherever we go, a microwave to cook our food fast and without our attention - we have all this technology so life should be easy now.

If anything is not easy it's not worth the trouble because we can always go on to something else. If this church doesn't preach what I want to hear I can go find three others that will tell me exactly what I like. There are plenty of jobs out there so if you don't like me standing around playing on my phone all day at work I don't care if you fire me. There are plenty of fish in the sea as they say, so if I and my wife have an argument we can just split and go find someone else.

And if you expect me to do anything hard, unpleasant or just anything I don't want to do, you are such a demanding slavedriver! Forget you, I'll find what I want somewhere else.

 

[PinkDiamond]

The way I view marriage is that I expect to have some difficult moments or arguments at times. I don't think any friendship or family relationship is perfect. I think if you have a fairytale view of what marriage is, it is incredibly difficult to work through problems. I think it is easy to view struggles as unusual and a sign that you have not married the right person. Once you start entertaining thoughts that you could have married someone better, it is really easy to give up.

If I do meet the right person and get married, I do have the expectation that it will last. It is like a person that trains for and competes in a marathon. They know before the race starts that there are going to be moments of extreme exhaustion and discomfort. When the feelings of fatigue set in, the runner knows how to push through it and not panic. They have been expecting this and are mentally prepared. I also think it helps to give yourself no out or back up plan when you enter a marriage. ( I'm not criticizing anyone who has been through divorce. There are some impossible situations)


Because I have specific expectations about marriage ( That it can be very difficult and that I will be in it for the long haul) I am very careful to take the time to get to know a person thoroughly before starting a relationship. I want to make sure I am truly compatible spiritually and on the major issues. I also want to make sure that a potential spouse has the same expectations for marriage. You can be totally committed and the marriage still fall apart if your spouse isn't.

 

[Lenardzw]

What immediately comes to mind for me is the general decline in the sense of community in our neighbourhoods, apartment complexes, suburbs etc. Generally one can find a decline in simple neighbourly courtesies that were common some 4 - 5 decades ago. In expecting our society to continue to slide down towards a cold uncaring world, we (as citizens, tenants, patrons, shoppers, passengers.....pick your context) take on the mindset that we need to be focused on ourselves and the lives of others are none of our business. "Mind your own business" is usually sage advice, however this has led to instances where criminals are often assured that if they grab a handbag or a laptop from a vulnerable person nobody will interfere. I haven't made my thoughts on this as clear as I'd like to, but I hope you get the gist. Put simply, when I was growing up a neighbour could scold me if I was found to be misbehaving at say, a shopping mall. Today its almost unheard of. So we say "leave me and mine alone!" and then complain that society is cold and uncaring.

Marriage is supposed to be "till death do us part." I still believe that and that will be my mindset if I get married. The many safeguards that people put in place before marriage that are designed to minimize the impact of a divorce tend to contribute to the temporary nature of marriages in society. I have seen young couples rush into marriage without giving enough thought to its seriousness and sanctity. Could this possibly be because divorce has been so commonplace? Could the mindset have shifted from "WE have to make this work. There is no turning back" to "Well people have bounced back after divorce, so if this doesn't work...?"

 

[cinder]

Excellent responses all, and I think much truth in each. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I especially liked Lenardzw's point about how part of community is the right to be all up in each other's business and we've really moved away from that as a society. And Lynx I hope it wasn't too hard or unpleasant for you to respond to this thread

 

[InHisHands]

This is a most interesting thread. As we are transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12) it makes sense that what we think about, especially in terms of relationship and big picture themes, then does really matter. So yes, expectations are important and influential, yet not necessarily determinative. Good food for thought - thank you

 

[Lynx]

I think this scripture ties into this thread. It is important to note this chunk of verses comes directly after the famous beattitudes.

Matthew 5:13-16
[SUP]13 [/SUP]Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
[SUP]14 [/SUP]Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
[SUP]15 [/SUP]Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
[SUP]16 [/SUP]Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.



What you expect influences what you do and what you do influences what happens around you.

Ever wonder how that salt could lose its savor? It all comes down to faith. Those who are of the world do not account for God in their expectations and their actions reflect it. Those who are of God expect God to have a hand in their lives and the world around them and their actions deliberately leave room for and invite God's interaction. This is how our salt seasons the world around us.

When we lose faith in God, or rather when we lose faith in God's intervention in our daily lives, when the problems of the world around us seem too big - then it changes our actions and our salt doesn't have any flavor any more.

Huh. Who'da thunk this thread would really be about faith?