When You'd Like To Reach Out, But Know You Probably Shouldn't... (?)

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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

I have a situation that's been bothering me, and I'd like to ask what you would choose to do if it were you.

One of my co-workers is a much older, wiser gentleman who is alone for the holidays. He's lived a wide and varied life and has many interesting stories to tell. We talk about life, travel, careers, and even the Bible, though we hold some very different beliefs, but are always respectful of each others' views.

I had a chance to talk with this man a few minutes on the night before Thanksgiving, seeing as we were both working for part of the holiday. He mentioned, as a matter of fact (and not self-pity), that he would be by himself for all the holidays, and it made me very sad.

I'm usually alone for the holidays as well, and sure, sometimes it's a real bummer, but I usually manage to stay busy, and most times, I'm usually working anyway.

But in this case, I was going to have the last half of Turkey Day off, and for a brief moment, I thought of asking this co-worker to meet me at a restaurant for a late lunch or early dinner.

It's funny how a simple act of wanting to reach out to someone can put you in such a tailspin. I weighed the pros and cons... and finally decided not to say anything.

Being single can be such a complicated thing, huh? It's like you can't win either way. I decided not to ask because I didn't want to give this man a reason to think I was romantically interested in him. In many ways, it's dangerous to even say that, because I'm not trying at all to sound conceited enough to think this man might become interested in me. But I think most people here know what I'm saying. He often praises me for some of the tasks I've completed and I don't want him to think of me as anything more than (hopefully) a good co-worker.

I've actually run into this situation a few times... There was someone I would have loved to ask to coffee or lunch, but I didn't, because I was afraid of giving off the wrong impression. Besides, how many times have we all complained about always having someone put us in the Friend Zone? So, I try very hard not to make someone else feel that way, either.

And so, I spent my Turkey Day mostly watching TV, but I was thinking about how sad it is that we can't even do something as simple as enjoy another person's company because of social/gender complications.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I will be by myself. I know my co-worker will be too. But again, I'm thinking it's best for me not to say anything.

What would you do?

Have you been in a similar situation before, and what did you decide to do?
 
Last edited:

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,579
113
#2
If he's so much older than you, it's doubtful he would have thought anything about you being interested in him. Who knows, since he was alone, he probably would have welcomed your company on Thanksgiving.. :) And thought of it as a completely innocent dinner.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#3
If he's so much older than you, it's doubtful he would have thought anything about you being interested in him. Who knows, since he was alone, he probably would have welcomed your company on Thanksgiving.. :) And thought of it as a completely innocent dinner.
Thank you for the vote of confidence, Blue. :)

Maybe I should add a little background information: I'm in my 40's and this man is in his mid-70's.

My entire life, even starting when I was in my early teens, much, much older men have tried to talk to me and ask me out. (I was 16 and they were in their 40's, 50's, and 60's.)

And it hasn't stopped, even as I've gotten older myself. I've always just chalked it up to racial stereotypes.

Now, I certainly don't want to stereotype others myself if I can help it, but I do try to be careful. It's a very fine line.

I don't ever want to lead someone's feelings on, because I'd hope someone wouldn't do that to me. But, that also means I often just don't say anything at all.
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
113
#4
Never give a man turkey.

Giving a man turkey is the secret signal you're hot for him.

Of course, a REAL MAN assumes everything is a secret signal you're hot for him...
but that's beside the point.

: )
 
Aug 16, 2016
2,184
62
0
#5
Dont see anything wrong with dinner among friends. If he's in his 70's I doubt he try to "hit on you". He probably would just enjoy the company most people around that age do. Plus you two could've discussed more about the lord and world events.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,579
113
#6
Well, he's an old man, and you can't judge this one by what the others have done. :) Holidays for alot of people, are hard, especially if they are spent alone. You might just have brightened his holiday a bit if you had invited him out for Thanksgiving day dinner. :)
 
G

Galatea

Guest
#7
If you might feel uncomfortable, could there be a third party invited? Maybe there is someone else at your work who might be alone?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,579
113
#8
This right here.. :)


Dont see anything wrong with dinner among friends. If he's in his 70's I doubt he try to "hit on you". He probably would just enjoy the company most people around that age do. Plus you two could've discussed more about the lord and world events.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#9
If you might feel uncomfortable, could there be a third party invited? Maybe there is someone else at your work who might be alone?
With the age differences... Some people might be surprised. When I was on Christian dating sites on and off for about 5 years, it was almost all men in their 60's and older who tried to talk to me, which is one reason why I haven't been on those sites for quite a while.

Thanks to everyone for their suggestions, and I hope you'll keep your thoughts and own stories coming.

I don't know of anyone else at this time to invite, but that's definitely an excellent suggestion. :)
 
M

Miri

Guest
#10
Do you have a neighbour you could invite as well, maybe someone else you know
who is a bit isolated. That way there would be three of you.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#11
Thank you all for the suggestion of inviting another person. :)

I currently don't know anyone else well enough to invite, but I know this co-worker is single, and now you're all making me wish I had a nice neighbor lady about his age to fix him up with! ;)
 

violakat

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2014
1,236
21
38
#12
Next year, and maybe even this year for Christmas, invite everyone at work, to come to your home for a pot luck meal.
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
113
#13
Seoulsearch,

Seriously, sometimes there are no perfect solutions.

Do the best you can, and that will have to be enough.
You can't fix everyone's situation, or everyone's thinking, or everyone's ability to misunderstand your intentions.

Just do the best you can, and let it go.
There isn't a perfect answer to everything.
Don't beat yourself up.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
14,940
4,580
113
#14
Next year, and maybe even this year for Christmas, invite everyone at work, to come to your home for a pot luck meal.
For privacy's sake, I prefer to meet at a public place, but maybe arranging some kind of get-together next year might be an idea. :)

I'm really liking everyone's suggestions, though! :)

And Max, thanks! Nice to see you back. :)
 
H

Hellooo

Guest
#15
There are organizations that let you "adopt" a vet and such for thanksgiving...could be something you can do together, and plan/host dinner for a couple of other people
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
4,216
1,179
113
Philippines Age 40
#16
I have been in that kind of situation. But it's someone much younger than me. I don't know why I attract younger guys but I realized there must be something wrong with my mindset. Maybe I am immature myself. Although they are cute I did not entertain them because I know it will not work.

I remember before that you resent old guys who hit on you. It's not that he is obviously hitting on you but he is kind to you. This guy must be different because you like him. I say do what you think and feel is right and be happy with your decision :)
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
24,799
8,103
113
#17
Multiple people already said what I was thinking, i.e. invite someone else to come along too.

I think every town should have a club of people who don't have anywhere else to go for the holidays, to get together with each other. But that would take organization.

Now if you had a family, or even if you had a husband, you and YOUR HUSBAND could invite your friend over. But as a single lady... yeah, probably better not to potentially open a can of worms.

Props to maxwel, I liked his reply.
 

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
4,262
113
#18
I think you did the right thing Kim. If that older man was me and u invited me to Thxgiving dinner I would take that as a hint that you might be interested. These days there are plenty of examples of young women in relationships with much older men. I actually have an aunt who is younger than me and my sisters and we just love calling her aunt lol.
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#19
Hey Everyone,

I have a situation that's been bothering me, and I'd like to ask what you would choose to do if it were you.

One of my co-workers is a much older, wiser gentleman who is alone for the holidays. He's lived a wide and varied life and has many interesting stories to tell. We talk about life, travel, careers, and even the Bible, though we hold some very different beliefs, but are always respectful of each others' views.

I had a chance to talk with this man a few minutes on the night before Thanksgiving, seeing as we were both working for part of the holiday. He mentioned, as a matter of fact (and not self-pity), that he would be by himself for all the holidays, and it made me very sad.

I'm usually alone for the holidays as well, and sure, sometimes it's a real bummer, but I usually manage to stay busy, and most times, I'm usually working anyway.

But in this case, I was going to have the last half of Turkey Day off, and for a brief moment, I thought of asking this co-worker to meet me at a restaurant for a late lunch or early dinner.

It's funny how a simple act of wanting to reach out to someone can put you in such a tailspin. I weighed the pros and cons... and finally decided not to say anything.

Being single can be such a complicated thing, huh? It's like you can't win either way. I decided not to ask because I didn't want to give this man a reason to think I was romantically interested in him. In many ways, it's dangerous to even say that, because I'm not trying at all to sound conceited enough to think this man might become interested in me. But I think most people here know what I'm saying. He often praises me for some of the tasks I've completed and I don't want him to think of me as anything more than (hopefully) a good co-worker.

I've actually run into this situation a few times... There was someone I would have loved to ask to coffee or lunch, but I didn't, because I was afraid of giving off the wrong impression. Besides, how many times have we all complained about always having someone put us in the Friend Zone? So, I try very hard not to make someone else feel that way, either.

And so, I spent my Turkey Day mostly watching TV, but I was thinking about how sad it is that we can't even do something as simple as enjoy another person's company because of social/gender complications.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I will be by myself. I know my co-worker will be too. But again, I'm thinking it's best for me not to say anything.

What would you do?

Have you been in a similar situation before, and what did you decide to do?
Listen to the words.
[video=youtube;VRLxkHGbN_8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRLxkHGbN_8[/video]
 
Feb 7, 2015
22,418
413
0
#20
For privacy's sake, I prefer to meet at a public place, but maybe arranging some kind of get-together next year might be an idea. :)

I'm really liking everyone's suggestions, though! :)

And Max, thanks! Nice to see you back. :)
He might be dead by this time next year.