Was Someone Patronizing Us... Or Was It Just Our Own Pride?

[seoulsearch]

Hey there, fellow single peeps!

In a recent post, a member stated that they would decline an invitation to socialize if they felt the person inviting them was only inviting (or "patronizing") them so that they wouldn't be alone, but was not sincere in genuinely wanting this person's company.

The Google definition of "patronize" came up as:

"To treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority."
Synonyms: to treat condescendingly, to look down upon, to treat like a child, to treat with disdain.

I'm sure we've all had situations where someone has invited us to something and we weren't sure how sincere they really were. Even in my own family, I can pretty much hear the, "Oh, we should probably invite lonely old 'Gonna Turn Into a Crazy Cat Lady Any Day Now' Aunt Seoul..." before I'm even asked.

Have people patronized you as a single? (Or even just in general--everyone, single or not, is welcome to answer.)

How can you tell if someone genuinely wants you to come along, or if they're just asking because they feel sorry for you?
Would it make a difference in whether or not you accept?

And what if the person IS actually being sincere? I'm thinking about all the fun times many of us might have missed because we thought someone else wasn't working hard enough to REALLY make us feel included, or were just too prideful to ADMIT we were alone by accepting an invitation. Although we singles don't want to admit it, sometimes I think we get a little bitter about our singleness--and feel as if people should have to work a bit more to REALLY make us feel wanted.

Do people always patronize us? Or, are we sometimes just being prideful in order to try to hang on to our (single) dignity?

 

[jennymae]

Hey there, fellow single peeps!

In a recent post, a member stated that they would decline an invitation to socialize if they felt the person inviting them was only inviting (or "patronizing") them so that they wouldn't be alone, but was not sincere in genuinely wanting this person's company.

The Google definition of "patronize" came up as:

"To treat with an apparent kindness that betrays a feeling of superiority."
Synonyms: to treat condescendingly, to look down upon, to treat like a child, to treat with disdain.

I'm sure we've all had situations where someone has invited us to something and we weren't sure how sincere they really were. Even in my own family, I can pretty much hear the, "Oh, we should probably invite lonely old 'Gonna Turn Into a Crazy Cat Lady Any Day Now' Aunt Seoul..." before I'm even asked.

Have people patronized you as a single? (Or even just in general--everyone, single or not, is welcome to answer.)

How can you tell if someone genuinely wants you to come along, or if they're just asking because they feel sorry for you?
Would it make a difference in whether or not you accept?

And what if the person IS actually being sincere? I'm thinking about all the fun times many of us might have missed because we thought someone else wasn't working hard enough to REALLY make us feel included, or were just too prideful to ADMIT we were alone by accepting an invitation. Although we singles don't want to admit it, sometimes I think we get a little bitter about our singleness--and feel as if people should have to work a bit more to REALLY make us feel wanted.

Do people always patronize us? Or, are we sometimes just being prideful in order to try to hang on to our (single) dignity?

I reckon some people will always feel patronized despite what intentions of the person inviting them. Yet will others never be feeling patronized even though they ought to.

What a great signature by the way.

 

[seoulsearch]

I reckon some people will always feel patronized despite what intentions of the person inviting them. Yet will others never be feeling patronized even though they ought to.

What a great signature by the way.

Jenny!!

So glad to see you back!

After all, I'm going to need new ideas for my next signature.

 

[Lynx]

I don't give a flying flitter if they're patronizing me or not. If I want to go I'll go. I also don't give a fart in a whirlwind (which if you think about it, doesn't really amount to much) if they talk about me if I don't go. If I don't want to go I won't go.

When you stop caring about what people think life gets a lot more simple. And the more you think about it the more you realize how little most people's opinions matter. And some of the people who make their opinions known the most (and the noisiest) are the ones who matter least.

 

[cinder]

I think some of this may have to do with how much we invite (consciously or unconsciously) pity. I rarely feel patronized, but a lot of that might be because if someone tries to show me kindness because I'm alone or "not in a relationship" (last time I checked friendships were still a type of relationship), I give them a blank look like I can't understand their reasoning or why they think that's a bad thing. So I don't personally struggle too much with feeling patronized, but I can see how someone who finds being single really lonely and painful and maybe has internalized some rejection as a result of not having a significant other might project that on to other people and think they're only being included out of pity.

Personally I struggle much more with the people who tell you how much they want you to be part of the group event, then don't follow through by trying to connect with you at all when you do show up. Puts me in the attitude of, you didn't care about me being here at all, you just wanted a sufficient warm body count to boost your mood / ego. So no I'm not going to believe how glad you are to see me if after stating that one sentence you promptly ignore me for the rest of the event.

 

[Lynx]

By the same token, if I'm there you know I really do want to be there. I'm not just showing up to please you.

 

[jennymae]

Jenny!!

So glad to see you back!

After all, I'm going to need new ideas for my next signature.

Don't be counting on that. It was a one hit wonderlololol

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I have a lot of people ask me "Okay, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Do you have family to spend it with?" especially in the first few years after my husband left. It made me feel very loved and cared for. I have a habit of asking others things like this too. I've never thought of it as patronizing. We gotta look out for each other.

I do have a local single friend who is very sensitive. If anyone breathes a word to her about being alone, praying for her, or suggesting ways to meet someone, etc, she takes offense and is hurt that "she isn't enough" by herself. But at the same time, she makes it obvious that she IS alone and lonely and wants more for herself. How does she expect people to react to that? She has lived a different life than I have, so I cannot say that I wouldn't be the same way in her shoes, but as it is I tend to just laugh off silly advice or comments, and know that whoever gave it did it because they love me and want me to be happy. I think how we perceive things makes ALL the difference. We have to have grace with one another.

 

[Ugly]

If a person isn't a regular part of my life, someone I'm in contact with regularly, then I automatically assume their motives for inviting me aren't sincere. Since it's mostly family I presume social obligation as the primary reason.

 

[Lenardzw]

I don't usually care whether or not somebody is asking me to (say) an event out of pity. Naturally I don't want to be invited somewhere just to fill the quota, but because its often hard to tell whether or not a person genuinely wants me there or not I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. Then I participate if I want to. I think that most of the time people are trying to be kind or helpful - I've known many people like this. They just do an awful job at communicating this.

I also think about my own actions in interacting with others. I don't want to appear patronizing so I try to think through all I say too. I can't say I always get it right.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Getting invited is a privilege. Having low expectations is advantageous in dealing with people's motives. Overthinking is exhausting and you will not be frustrated if they indeed have bad motives. If they have good intentions, you have honored them by accepting the invitation, you meet other people and you enjoyed the food. I look forward to the food more than meeting people.

 

[Lynx]

Weeeeeell... it depends on the group. In my family the food is always good - we have some good cooks in my family - but the family interaction is even better. At family dinners I like to just sit on the sidelines and listen to them talk.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Your family sounds awesome that you choose them over food. Some people cannot stand their own families that no matter how good the food is, they feel like throwing up.

A good family can sometimes be a reason why one remains single because he is very secured in his family that there is no need to find security elsewhere.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hey there, fellow single peeps!

In a recent post, a member stated that they would decline an invitation to socialize if they felt the person inviting them was only inviting (or "patronizing") them so that they wouldn't be alone, but was not sincere in genuinely wanting this person's company.

Who would say such a thing?!!! I'm crossing that person off my Christmas list!



Oh and ummm...this is more likely what he actually meant by "patronizing".....

pa·tron·ize

(pā′trə-nīz′, păt′rə-)tr.v. pa·tron·ized, pa·tron·iz·ing, pa·tron·iz·es

1. To act as a patron to; support or sponsor:

Patronizing - definition of patronizing by The Free Dictionary

 

[zeroturbulence]

Just to be clear.... what that person actually said in context was....

"If you told me you were only inviting me because you didn't want me to spend Christmas alone, and not because you wanted me to be your date, I would feel like you were patronizing me...."

(I'm paraphrasing here.. but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant )

 

[seoulsearch]

No worries, Zero.

I was paraphrasing, too.

Your post made me think about the times in my life when I may assumed someone was just feeling sorry for me, but it might have just been my own erroneous assumption.

 

[PinkDiamond]

I would feel uncomfortable if someone was insincere and invited me to something but really didn't want me to come. Sometimes, people invite others to things out of a sense of obligation. I'd definitely politely decline if I sensed that was the case. I also don't feel comfortable eating something that is offered if it is obvious that the host/ hostess really doesn't want you to accept the offer.

That being said, if someone had compassion on me for being alone for the holiday and invited me over, I'd gladly accept. If I went I'd bring a gift and dessert. I'd try to contribute and make the occasion festive and more of an equal friendship. You never know when in life you may find yourself alone. There isn't any shame in graciously accepting someone's kindness ( assuming they don't despise your situation and are genuine ). I think that if a person makes a conscious effort to be content and not feel they are a victim of circumstances, they are less likely to be patronized by others and actually receive genuine invitations.

 

[AbigailZeke]

I think there's a verse about always thinking good of others. I might be wrong. Bad assumption is never good. I'm a black and white person (at least I try to be). Unless it becomes obvious (need discernment here, cause there are people who cannot tell what is obvious) that I'm being taken advantage of, then I will decline. Like, say, if a person inviting me has a history of patronizing me, I would have no reason to accept her invitation.

 

[cinder]

Unless it becomes obvious (need discernment here, cause there are people who cannot tell what is obvious)

Say what? Isn't the definition of obvious that it is something everyone can pick up on? Obviously I must be wrong about that, but it isn't that obvious to me that I'm wrong. So is it obvious? And I know the answer to that is probably obvious too. I guess it's obvious that sometimes it's not obvious and sometimes it is obvious but we ignore the obvious warning signs because we want things to be different. Obviously that would end in disaster.

 

[Lynx]

No worries, Zero.

I was paraphrasing, too.

Your post made me think about the times in my life when I may assumed someone was just feeling sorry for me, but it might have just been my own erroneous assumption.

*Lynx pats seoulsearch on the head in a condescending manner, but it's not at all patronizing... you're just assuming it is.