Hello everyone, glad to be make it here. Hope all is well on your end!
I'm 25, lost my virginity a year ago. A lot has happened in 2016 that dramatically changed my life. I feel God has a plan for me and part of this plan is me being sexually pure.
Sexually pure as in no masturbation, thoughts, no sex before marriage, the whole enchilada.
My question to you guys out there- how do / did you do it? And let me be clear- I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking about having an honestly pure mind, the kind of mind that isn't running on guilt if I mess up. I'm looking for a totally different mindset- I'm not looking to practice abstinence just because the Lord says so. He says it for a reason and I want to own that reason with my whole heart because that is the only healthy way I see myself getting through this.
I would love to hear your opinions guys- please! And have a fantastic Monday!
Hi,
Welcome! I'm new, too. I think it's different for every person, but I don't think you can ever always do it. I've struggled on and off with this and am currently struggling with it now. I have a partly different way of dealing with it because my motivation is mostly because God says so.
What God has been leading me to do in the past week:
- I deleted all links to fanfiction (a lot of the ones I read contained sexually explicit scenes) from my favorites so that it would be harder for be to backslide into reading things that make staying focused on God harder. I don't know if you read or watch anything that tends to start sexual fantasies in your mind, but if you do, I'd say drop it. Either wean off or cut cold-turkey. It's hard, but God will help you. You might not be able to do it all at once, but He will always be there for you and pick you up, no matter how many times you fall.
- I've been praying.
A lot. I always pray a lot. Even if it's just thinking a sentence to God in the middle of doing something, but lately God's been leading me to pray almost every few minutes. This is kind of the stock answer and it's frustrating because it feels like everyone knows that. But just throw yourself on God's mercy and grace every time you struggle. Pray for forgiveness and strength and remind yourself that you have no capacity to remain pure by yourself. Only God can help. Sometimes it takes time for God to change one's life, but it
will happen. Have faith in that.
- I've been journaling and being honest. Even thoughts I know are wrong, because God knows all our thoughts and if we don't admit we have them, how can we work through them? It's helped to have someone/thing to talk to. I don't have a physical person I can be truly honest with in my life. I'm hoping that, over time, it'll uncover a pattern in my thoughts and fantasies and then I'll understand why I think/feel a certain way. Maybe if I can do that I'll be able to find a way that's pleasing to God that will satisfy the longings behind different fantasies/desires. I don't know if you keep a journal. I've just started, but so far it has helped me sort my thoughts out.
- God just revealed this to me and it sounds like a no brainer that I should have realized years ago, but I didn't think of it in these exact words and I guess I was trying to justify my actions to myself, but when we take pleasure in lust, we're taking pleasure in one of the things that Jesus had to die for. This isn't entirely helpful because it makes me feel incredibly guilty, which it should, but too much guilt sometimes paralyzes a person and makes it difficult for him/her to move on, but there it is.
-As far as guilt goes, it's difficult because some guilt is necessary, but I think we let it remain even when we need to let it go and accept forgiveness (as in letting memories of past sin haunt you instead of focusing on how God has forgiven you and wants you to move forward). Lately, God has been reminding me of His great love and mercy. He's been doing this through Bible verses, Christian literature (I just finished reading the Fantasy Fallacy, by Shannon Ethridge), Christian music, quotes by Christians. I listen to K-Love. Reach Radio. If you don't have those, I recommend you download the K-Love App. It's a radio that only plays Christian music. Some of the songs have helped me with a lot. Sometimes a song will come on that seems tailor-made to my situation and it's undeniable that God allowed that to come on just in time.
Some quotes that I heard from them (and some are paraphrased because I don't remember word for word):
"Would it surprise you to hear that God is pleased with you? Not in everything you do, but in your relationship with Him." The man went on to say how Jesus was called God's beloved son with whom God is well pleased. "When we are saved, we are in the same beloved as Jesus." This helped me because, I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel like all I do some days is mess up. It's good to know that, even when I fail, God is at least pleased that I am His child.
Also "I think that if God forgives us, we must forgive ourselves." Sometimes we're our harshest critics, but if God says we are forgiven, who are we to keep punishing ourselves? If we've repented and God has forgiven us, forgiving ourselves can help us move on.
This is from the song Greater by MercyMe, "There'll be days I lose the battle. Grace says it doesn't matter, because the cross already won the war." I'd say it definitely matters if we lose battles with temptation, but remember that, even when we fail on some days, the overall battle is won. We are more than conquerors through Christ.
And what that song is about is how God is greater than Satan and the World. That reminds me of the verse that His grace is made perfect in our weakness. When you fail, remind yourself that He is still magnified because His grace triumphs in our failures. I don't mean that failure is good, but if we never failed we wouldn't need Him. Remind yourself when you fail that this is why you need Christ and why you can never earn salvation. And that ultimately, the fact that He has redeemed you despite your sins shows how merciful and good God is.
As far as reasons besides God, you can maybe remind yourself that by choosing to remain pure, you're not letting a practice own you. I find sexual fantasies to be highly addictive. Whenever I struggle, I never start by thinking "I'm going to sin against God today and then let it overrun my life." I try to rationalize it, and then one fantasy turns into more. The thing that's convinced me the most that some things I've been doing are sinful is how hard it's been to give them up. I don't think anyone wants to be overcome with such an intense need for something (other than God, food, and love) that going a day without it feels terrible. We want to be able to control our hobbies, not have them control us. Remind yourself that by fighting lust, you're refusing to allow something to control you.
Also, this is more about the physical act than thoughts, but there is no such thing as safe sex. There is always some risk of pregnancy or STDs, no matter how many pills or condoms are used. And, even if there was a way to be clear of those things, the emotional ties of giving yourself to someone then tearing apart would hurt. An old teacher of mine once said that when someone has sex with someone, they become one flesh. When breakups occur, that one flesh is torn apart again. That is always painful, even when people try to convince themselves it's not. By refusing to have sex with anyone you're not married to, you'll be protecting yourself from that emotional pain.
I hope this helps.